CHAPTER EIGHT
Kristina
I stay in bed late after three nights of celebrating Silk’s success with Ian. What had begun as a torrid love affair has morphed into something so consuming, so part of me that even being away from him makes me uncomfortable. But I’ve done exactly what my therapist said to and let things happen naturally. It’s just that natural for Ian and me isn’t really natural.
In less than twenty-four hours, we’re scheduled to fly to Rome, and I still haven’t told him I can’t go with him. I’ve tried. I really have. But every time I think it’s the right moment to dash all his plans for us, he says something cute or funny about how much he’s looking forward to our trip. How can I break his heart like that?
Closing my eyes, I curse my bad luck. For the first time ever, I have everything I want in life. It’s just my luck that fate says I can’t have it all at the same time. I can’t turn down the role I’ve wanted so badly. That would be career suicide, and I’d be crazy to let that opportunity slip through my hands.
But the mere thought of losing Ian makes me feel hollow inside. If only I’d told him when I found out. Now when I have to ruin the Rome trip, he’ll know I’ve been holding out on him and essentially lying for days and days. He gave me the chance to tell the truth that night, but like a fool I didn’t take it.
Now I’ve made things ten times worse.
Desperate for some sound advice, I call Sienna. Unlike Priscilla, she always has clever ideas. She’ll know what I should do.
“Kristina, I was just thinking about you,” she says as she answers the phone.
“Really? Why?”
“A bunch of reasons. First is that guy I met that night when we went out just left my place. Oh my, that man knows how to fuck. Honey, you must get yourself someone like him.”
I smile at the knowledge that I already have a man who knows just how to take care of me in that respect. Ian and I may be crazy together, but when it comes to sex, he’s exactly what every man should be.
“I’m happy you’re having a good time, Sienna.”
“A good time doesn’t even begin to describe it. All we do is fuck. I love it! He hasn’t said anything about dating or a relationship and I couldn’t be happier. Tell me things got better for you since that night. What happened with that banker you were talking to that night? Is he pinching your pennies these days?”
I can’t help but giggle at the cute way she says things. Cute and blunt. “No, nothing happened. He just gave me a ride home. He wasn’t really my type, you know?”
“Yeah, he did have a sort of boring thing going on. You’re too sweet and fun for that kind of life. I’m not getting a three-piece suit and tie vibe for the kind of man you need. You need a little freakier, I think.”
“I’ll be sure to work on that, Sienna.”
“So why are you calling me at eight a.m.? Did you just send some hot guy home?”
“No, nothing like that. I just needed some advice.”
I hear the rustling of her sheets and comforter as she sits up to listen to what I have to say. “Advice? Is something wrong?”
“Yes and no. I need to figure out how to break bad news to someone.”
“Do it like you tear off a Band-Aid—fast. Just say what you have to say and then deal with their reaction. How bad is the news we’re talking about here?”
“Bad. It’s going to disappoint this person a lot. I feel terrible about it too.”
“Life is full of disappointment, Kristina. Adults deal. It isn’t Cilla, is it?”
“No.” That would be easy. Cilla can be difficult at times, but nothing ever seems to bother her for long. She’s got a thoughtless streak in her that comes in handy at times like this.
“Because if it is her, I say do it slow and torture her. She left me hanging last weekend when I went out to LA to see her, so I’m still pissed at her.”
“Sorry. I can’t help you there. This isn’t about her. It’s about someone I really care for and don’t want to hurt.”
“That mystery man you were trying to get over that night we went out?” she asks, her voice full of curiosity.
I know I shouldn’t mention anything even vaguely about Ian, but I say, “Yes, but I can’t tell you any more than that about him.”
“Nothing? You’re not good at keeping secrets, Kristina. I’ll get it out of you.”
“Please don’t try. It’s bad enough I might be hurting him by giving him this bad news. I don’t want to betray him too.”
“Why would telling me about some guy betray him?” she asks now very curious.
“Because he asked me to keep our relationship a secret,” I confess, knowing she’ll think the worst, which she does.
“He’s married. That’s it. Married. He’s a married son of a bitch who’s cheating on his wife with you,” she pronounces.
“He’s not married,” I say with a chuckle. If Ian is married, his wife sure doesn’t seem to be much a part of his life.
“Are you sure? He doesn’t want anyone to know about you two. Sounds like a married man to me.”
“No, he’s not married and I can’t tell you any more about him. I just need to know how to break bad news without hurting him.”
“Are you breaking it off with him?”
“No. I just need to cancel a trip we planned on taking because of work.”
“Oh, that’s not a big deal. You can take a trip anytime. Just tell him you need to reschedule.”
If only it was that easy. I could have done that if I told him when I found out about Vancouver. Now it was too late.
“It’s not that easy. I’ve lied for a while about it, saying I’d go. He has no idea.”
“Why’d you do that?”
The explanation of why I’d made such a dumb choice would take too long, so I just mumble, “I don’t know. I didn’t want to disappoint him.”
“So now you get to disappoint and hurt him. Well, I still say do it fast. Get it over with so you can move on to bigger and better things.”
Sienna’s words make my heart pound in my chest. I don’t want to move on to anything. I just want to find a way to tell Ian that even though I love him I can’t go to Rome like he wants. It sounds so simple when I say it in my head, but I know when I’m standing in front of him and I see the disappointment in those dark eyes of his that I’ll feel terrible.
“Okay. Thanks Sienna. I guess I’ll try it that way.”
She squeals loudly into the phone, so I pull it away from my ear as she begins to talk about some show she’s watching. Not exactly the way I wanted to begin my morning.
“Oh my God! Kristina! You’re on Good Morning America!” I hear her scream.
Quickly, I pull the phone back to my ear as I search for the remote buried in the blankets. “What do you mean?”
“They’re talking about your new film you begin shooting in Vancouver right now in their Hollywood news segment. Did you put it on?”
My television turns on and there as big as life is my face in a box to the right of the pretty blond woman who reports on all things pop news and Hollywood gossip, including it seems me this morning. She’s got all the details about the film and how I’ll be there in just a few days.
“Is this what you were talking about, Kristina? This is the reason you can’t go on that trip with the mystery guy?”
“Yeah, it is,” I say as the blond woman moves on to some other news story.
“Well, if he watches Good Morning America, he already knows. They might have done the dirty work for you.”
Terror races through my mind at the thought that Ian has just found out the truth I’ve been hiding for over a week from of all places a morning news show. “I have to go,” I say frantically as I leap out of bed to get dressed. “I’ll talk to you later, Sienna.”
I don’t give her a chance to answer before I click END and throw my phone on the bed. I run into the bathroom and see my messy hair in the mirror, but I don’t have time to make myself even close to presentable. I need to get to Ian before this news ruins everything.
Dashing out the door, I remember I left my phone on the bed so I race back and grab it only to see a text waiting for me. I take a deep breath and open my messages to see it’s from Ian.
When were you going to tell me about Vancouver?
My heart sinks as I read the words. He saw the same thing Sienna and I saw. The sense of betrayal hangs off every word. Quickly, I text back a tepid excuse, but I know whatever I say can’t change the fact that I lied.
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lie.
My answer is pathetic. Whatever I meant to do, I kept my new film from him and now I’ve hurt the man I love for no reason other than my cowardice.
I want to explain to him, but I don’t know what to say. I wait for him to text back, to tell me how disappointed he is in me, but he doesn’t. His silence crushes me, so I finally try my best to explain why I did what I did. I have to try.
I wanted to tell you but then you were so excited about the Rome trip and I didn’t want to disappoint you. I never meant to lie. I love you, Ian. Please call me.
I click SEND and wait for him to call, but after five minutes I know he won’t. His anger comes through loud and clear in the silence. Then he texts me and my worst fears are realized.
Without trust, we have nothing, Kristina.
He won’t let me convince him to forgive me through texts, so I run out of my apartment and down the stairs to the sidewalk, half expecting him to be there waiting for me. But that can’t happen today because I’ve hurt him.
As I run the blocks toward his apartment, I think about all the love he’s shown me and I feel like the guilt is going to crush me. I have to see him to tell him I’m sorry and I’ll do anything to make this up to him. We can go to Rome together as soon as I finish working on Original Sin. It won’t be forever. I’ll only be gone for a few months.
His building’s doorman is a friendly face waiting to open the door to the lobby. Rushing past him, I hurry to catch the elevator, frantically pressing the button to get to his floor and wishing for once the elevator wasn’t so slow. It’s the longest minute of my life, and when the elevator doors open, I lurch out into his hallway on unsteady legs, weak from the feeling of sickness in my stomach.
Even before I knock on his door, I know he’s not there. I feel a sense of missing him already. But I knock anyway, a futile effort that makes me feel like I have some control over getting him back.
I don’t, though.
No one answers my knocking and somewhere deep inside I worry he’s gone. Gone from here, gone from New York, gone from my life. I begin to unravel, desperate to tell him my side of the story. If only I could explain myself, if only he could see how devastated I am that what I’ve done has ruined what we had.
I don’t know where to go to find him, so I walk the streets back to my place as I text him over and over, but he never replies. Hour after hour passes, but if he’s getting my messages he’s not responding. Finally, I cry myself to sleep after I send him one last text and pray he’ll finally answer me.
I love you, Ian. Please tell me you still love me too. Tell me it’s not too late for me to fix this.
After tossing and turning for hours, I wake up determined to repair the damage I’ve done. I know I can if he’ll just give me a chance. I pack my bags for our trip to Rome, knowing that if I don’t show up on the set for the beginning of shooting, my career might suffer but I don’t care about that. All I care about is getting Ian back.
I have the cab take me to his apartment, sure that he’ll be there because our flight doesn’t leave for four hours. Standing in front of his door with my suitcase, I knock and listen to hear him inside as he comes to let me in. I rehearsed what I plan to say on my way here. Now all I need is the chance to show him how much I love him.
As I wait for him to answer the door, I see an envelope sticking out from underneath it. Bending down, I pick it up and see it’s addressed to me. My heart slams against my chest as my hands begin to shake. I don’t want to read it, but I open it anyway and see the words that break my heart.
Kristina,
Every time I asked you if you had something to tell me, you lied. Was everything we were a lie? I’ve gone to Rome. Don’t try to contact me.
Ian
The tears roll down my cheeks as I read his words so filled with the pain I caused. I can’t let him leave without me. I have to do this, even if it means ruining everything I’ve worked for in my career. I send him one more text to let him know I’m not giving up on us as I race downstairs to catch a cab to the airport.
I won’t let you go without a fight. I’m coming to you.