CHAPTER SIX
Kristina
Opening my eyes, I feel Ian’s chest beneath my cheek and feel safe. That being with him could bring out a feeling of security after all we’d been through with his drug addiction seems odd, but it’s as if our relationship has weathered a trial by fire of sorts and we’ve come out even stronger on the other side.
I look up and see him still sleeping peacefully, his long, dark lashes resting against his skin, hiding those dark eyes so full of passion all the time. When I arrived here yesterday to surprise him when he returned, I hadn’t been sure what he’d be like after all those weeks in rehab. The last I’d seen of him had devastated me—those beautiful eyes of his filled with tears as he accepted his defeat to that awful drug and that he’d have to leave me to try to be the man he wanted to be again.
But it only took a moment for me to see that the man who’d returned to me was the Ian I’d fallen madly and passionately in love with, and if there had been any doubt, our lovemaking a short time later erased any fears I’d had about us.
Ian stirs and his hand lands gently on the back of my head as I think all of this, and now all I feel is remorse at the doubt I’d harbored. If only I could have been as sure as he was all those weeks he was away…
I never meant for anything to happen. All Vancouver was supposed to be was work, but when he went to rehab and I returned to the set, I couldn’t get the sight of him hitting rock bottom out of my mind. It haunted me day and night, and before long, everyone around me could tell something had happened while I was back in New York and not the flu my agent had claimed.
The sadness I felt inside showed in everything I did, and in that weakness I let someone in to make it go away for even a little while. All I’d wanted was someone to talk to, a friend to listen as I talked about how devastated seeing Ian like that had been for me. But when I tried to talk about how I felt, I couldn’t because of the promise I’d made him to keep our relationship a secret.
So the sadness remained without my being able to express why I felt so unhappy all the time. I could act like I was happy on set, but as soon as the cameras stopped rolling, it was too much to bear and someone recognized that.
I never meant for anything to happen. One day Gavin was making jokes between scenes, and I smiled for the first time in days. One smile but it felt so good to be happy again. Then the next day he brought me coffee with a smiley face drawn on the cup and the words “Let’s make it a great day!” written down the side. I didn’t think anything of it.
And then he asked me if I’d like to grab a bite to eat and one drink led to another and before I knew it, I was naked in his arms back at his hotel room having sex with my co-star. It wasn’t meaningful or even very good sex. It was just one sad and vulnerable person looking for comfort where she shouldn’t have.
Ian moves his arm to tighten his hold on me and mumbles, “You up?”
Forcing a smile, I look up and see him gazing down at me with that look of love that used to make me feel like the luckiest woman in the world. Now it just makes me feel guilty as hell.
“Yeah. Want me to make some coffee?” I ask as I roll off him, eager to get away and hopefully lessen how bad I feel at this moment.
He grabs my hand before I can get far and tugs me back onto the bed next to him. “What’s the hurry? We have all day, don’t we?”
I have nowhere I really need to be. He knows that. Shooting is over, so I don’t have to return to Vancouver, thankfully, and I’ve cleared the next few days to be with him. The problem is that every minute I’m with him I feel guiltier than the last.
“We do, but I thought you’d like to get back to writing. If I remember correctly, you said you wanted to write a sequel to Silk, didn’t you?”
Just saying that makes me feel so fucking shitty. Now I’m using something that means so much to both of us as a reason to leave him because I’m wracked with guilt.
Ian gives me a sexy grin and runs his hands down my back to playfully squeeze my ass. “I do want to write that, but I think I need more research.”
When he’s sweet like this, all I want to do is stay here in his arms and forget the rest of the world exists outside of his bedroom. I want all the bad things we’ve done to each other to disappear so we can be happy forever right here in this bed.
As we make love, he’s tender but powerful, exactly what I fell in love with all those months ago. His mouth excites me like no other man’s can, and still only his cock makes me come. Each time he thrusts his body into mine, I love the feelings only he can bring out in me.
Yet still I can’t forget what I’ve done. I live in terror that he’s going to find out, and I’ll lose the man I love over a couple nights of mediocre sex in a few moments of weakness.
As I stand at his kitchen counter drinking morning coffee and watching him search through his laptop for what he began writing before he left, all I can think of is getting out of this apartment. I don’t want to leave him now, but I worry the guilt is written all over my face. I need to contact Gavin and make sure he doesn’t say anything to anyone about what happened between us. Maybe if he doesn’t, I’ll be able to find a way to live with what I did.
“My agent messaged me that she wants to meet with me ASAP,” I lie.
Looking up from his computer, Ian smiles. “I guess I’ll have no reason now not to get back to work, huh? Will you be back for dinner? I’m thinking I should make that risotto that you loved again.”
Oh, God. How could I have cheated on someone so incredible? What the hell is wrong with me? The man was in rehab after going back to drugs because I broke his heart and my way of dealing with my sadness and loneliness while he was trying to straighten out his life was to sleep with another man?
“Okay. I’ll be back for around five. Sound good? You should be able to get a lot written in that time.”
Again, I use our book as manipulation. I’m such an awful person. When he leaves me, I won’t even have the right to want him back after being such a rotten fucking woman.
Ian turns from his laptop and wraps his arms around my waist. Kissing me sweetly, he cradles my face and says, “I’m calling it Silk and Steel, and I have great news. While I was gone, Silk has continued selling well after hitting the bestseller lists and I’ve had a few agents contact T. Anderson about the rights.”
“You’d leave Sheila after all she’s done for you?”
“She doesn’t represent this genre. I guess it seems pretty rotten of me not to go with her, but really, she doesn’t do romance and erotica.”
I look at his gorgeous face and can’t help but get lost in those dark eyes of his. “Rotten? I don’t think you’re rotten. Ever.”
He pulls me to him, whispering, “Thank you for forgiving me, Kristina. I know it wasn’t easy to be around me while I was fucked up. Thank you for not leaving me.”
Oh, Jesus! I’m going to die from the guilt if he keeps talking like this. I have to leave before he sees something’s wrong, so I kiss him and force another smile. “Five o’clock, right? I’m looking forward to that risotto.”
As he walks me to the front door, he says in a sexy voice, “And that will only be the beginning of our night. Drink lots of coffee today because I plan on keeping you up into the early morning hours.”
I roll my eyes and smile even though I feel like a completely horrible person. “You’re going to spoil me.”
“Good. You deserve it. Now go so I can get to writing our story. I love you.”
Even as I tell him I love him, I know it’s just a matter of time before he finds out what I’ve done. God, what am I going to do?
* * *
I call Sienna as soon as I hit the sidewalk outside Ian’s building and pray she can help me figure out how to fix what I’ve done before he finds out and I lose the best thing in my life. She’ll have some idea what I can do.
“Kristina! Tell me you’re in New York!” she says excitedly into the phone.
“I am. Are you?”
“Yes! We have to get together. What are you doing now?”
“I’m calling you to save my life. I need your help, Sienna. I’ve made a horrible mistake, and I need you to help me fix it.”
“You made a horrible mistake? I think you’ve made like a handful in your life, so I doubt this is that bad. I think that café you and I like is open, so meet me there in twenty and we’ll solve your life crisis over some lunch and I can tell you about my new man.”
“A new one or the one you were spending all your time in bed with the last time I talked to you?” I ask as I hail a cab.
“A new one! You have to keep up, girl. I’ll tell you all about it when I see you. Twenty minutes.”
I hang up and climb into the cab to take me to our favorite café and hopefully the solution to the mess I’ve created. If I can just figure out how to fix this, I know Ian and I can be happy.
Sienna waves to me as I stand at the hostess desk just inside Surge, a café more known for its decadent milkshakes than anything else. A hangout for us from years ago, its name has changed a few times since then but we still love it.
I walk through the maze of teakwood tables to join her at a back table and find she’s all ready for our chat with coffee and my favorite blueberry muffins. Taking a seat, I notice the chair next to hers is pushed out.
“Did you bring that new guy with you?” I ask, hoping her answer is no.
“No. He’s back at my place. Cilla is sitting here, but she had to run to the ladies’ room.”
“Sienna! I wanted to talk to you. Alone.”
“I’m sorry. She grabbed me as I was heading out the door. I guess she’s got some tragedy of her own she’s dealing with. But it’s okay, Kristina. We’re all friends, and she knows what’s said here stays here.”
As Sienna finishes speaking, Cilla sits down in front of me and gives my arm a gentle squeeze. “I hear you’re as unhappy as I am, honey. You know what they say. Misery loves company, right?”
“I guess. What’s wrong?” I ask, hoping to keep her focused on her own misery.
“My accountant. The fucker has embezzled almost all my money!” she answers with tears in her eyes.
“Oh, I’m sorry, Cilla. What are you going to do?”
“She’s back to sleeping with that awful ex-husband of hers is what she’s doing,” Sienna says with a tone of disgust that matches her expression. Never a fan of Priscilla’s second husband, Rafe, she’s always referred to him as “The Creeper” for how close an eye he kept on Cilla when they were together.
“I don’t have a choice,” Cilla whines. “It’s not like I can just meet a man and get him to pay all my bills. Maybe ten years ago, but now as I slog toward thirty? No way.”
“Enough about Cilla and The Creeper. Tell us about your tale of woe, Kristina. We might even be able to do something about that. Accountants with sticky fingers will have to be handled by the cops.”
Suddenly, this doesn’t seem like a good idea anymore. Sienna I can trust, but I’m not sure about Cilla. She has a nasty habit of gossiping too much. But I need Sienna’s advice, so if that means Cilla has to hear some things, so be it. As long as I keep Ian’s name out of everything, I should be fine.
I take a deep breath and say, “I need advice about a romance problem.”
Sienna elbows Cilla nearly off the chair. “See? Now this is something I can help with. Go on, Kristina. What is it?”
“I’ve been seeing someone and he had to go away for a little bit, and well, I was lonely and I…” I couldn’t say the words.
“You cheated on him. Got it. Were you two broken up at the time?” Sienna asks.
Shaking my head, I say quietly, “No. He had to go to rehab.”
“You cheated on your boyfriend while he was in rehab, Kristina? That’s not like you. You’re usually the incredibly supportive girlfriend,” Cilla says with a tone of judgment I don’t appreciate.
“It’s not like you think. Whatever. But I don’t want him to find out and have that send him back to using.”
Sienna wrinkles her nose. “I don’t think you should hold yourself responsible for him falling off the wagon, if he does. I’m just surprised you’re with someone who’s into drugs at all, though. That’s definitely not like you.”
“He isn’t. Well, he wasn’t when we got together. It’s just that when I didn’t go to Rome with him, he got back into it. So you see, I don’t want that to happen again. I don’t know what to do.”
“This is the Rome guy? I guess he didn’t take the bad news well. Wow.”
Cilla’s gaze bounces back and forth between Sienna and me as she tries to keep up with the story. “Who? What are we talking about? How about some names so I know what’s going on here?”
Turning toward her, Sienna explains, “Kristina’s been seeing this guy who wanted her to go to Rome with him. She lied to him and said she would, but she couldn’t when it came right down to it because she had to go shoot in Vancouver. When she didn’t show, he unraveled and got back into drugs.”
Cilla nods like she understands, and then Sienna turns back to face me. “What kinds of drugs are we talking about here? Prescription stuff? Oxy? Cause that stuff is a bitch to kick.”
“No, not Oxy. Heroin,” I say quietly, already hating that the conversation has become fixated on Ian’s drug problem.
“You’re dating a heroin addict, Kristina? What is going on with you?” Cilla asks, still confused but willing to give her unsolicited opinion on my love life.
“Sienna, I need to know what to do about the other problem. Could we get back to that?”
Unlike Cilla, Sienna can take a hint, so she smiles and says, “Okay, I’m sorry. The whole drug thing isn’t really the issue we should be talking about. You had a moment of weakness while he was in rehab and you don’t want him to find out, right?”
“Yes. What do I do?”
“I think you have to go to the guy you were with and tell him it’s important to keep this whole thing on the down-low. Who is it? Maybe we have some dirt on him that we can use to keep his mouth shut.”
See, this is why I knew Sienna could help. I’d never think of anything like that.
I look around to see if anyone is close enough to our table to hear what I have to say and then lean in toward Sienna. “Gavin Somers. He was the lead in that movie I was filming in Vancouver. It only happened twice, but I don’t want this to get out.”
“Our lips are sealed, Kristina,” Sienna says to assure me. “Right, Cilla?”
Cilla quickly nods. “Of course. Sealed shut.”
“So I should tell him I need him to keep this to himself? What if he won’t?”
“Then we get something on him and ruin his fucking life. Scorched earth, baby,” Sienna says nonchalantly before she takes a sip of coffee.
“I’m not really a fan of the scorched earth policy. I mean, the whole thing with him was a mistake I’d just rather put behind me and never think of again.”
Cilla walks up to the counter to get a refill on her coffee, so Sienna leans forward and whispers, “Don’t worry. We’ll take care of it. But I have to know. Who is this boyfriend of yours?”
I can’t tell her Ian’s real name, so instead I give her his pen name. “T. Anderson.”
Her eyes grow wide with surprise, and the look of shock on her face tells me she’s heard of him and our book. “Do you mean to tell me you’re sleeping with the author of Silk? I picked it up after you mentioned it in that interview. Oh my God, Kristina! It’s so fucking hot!”
Blushing, I smile, knowing exactly how hot our story is. “I know. I’m his muse, and it’s about us, basically.”
“I have to know! Is he as hot in person as the male character is in the book? The things Sean does to Kate—oh my everloving God! I want a man who does that to me.”
I hear Cilla behind us, so I say, “Shhh. I don’t want anyone to know.”
She sits down and I know instantly she heard something. “Don’t want anyone to know what? Tell me.”
Sienna quickly changes the subject and asks her, “So what exactly do you have to do with The Creeper to get out of financial ruin?”
“Don’t try to get me talking about him. I want to know who Kristina’s new boyfriend is.”
It’s only a fake name, so I say, “His name is T. Anderson. But don’t tell anyone because we want to keep our privacy, okay?”
“Okay, but who is this guy? You say his name like I should know.”
“He’s nobody, Cilla,” I say as Sienna shoots me a look across the table to tell me we’re in the clear. “Just a guy who’s dating an actress.”
She takes a sip of her fresh coffee and shrugs. “Then he better get used to the idea that privacy is a thing of the past. I told you a while back. It’s the age of TMZ, Kristina. Privacy is so last century.”
Sienna thankfully distracts her from my problems with her opinion on The Creeper, and for the first time today I’m not terrified what I have with Ian is going to be ruined by two little nights with Gavin. All I have to do is convince him that neither of our careers will benefit from anyone finding out. He’s got a good thing going with the women he parades around town, a different one to each party and premier, so he’ll probably agree that our little tryst should stay our little secret.
At least I hope he does.