I waited until Mason left and then hesitated as I peeked my head out the door, to make sure he’d left. I took a deep breath knowing he’d gone and went to lock the door. Then I turned around and dramatically fell back against it.

What exactly was I going to do about Mason Thompson? I’d had such conviction when I told myself that, no matter how disappointed or how tempted I was, I wouldn’t waver. And yet, I’d gone way beyond that. We were dating now! I’d given him permission to be my boyfriend, so why was I so scared? Why did I have butterflies in my stomach at the thought of it?

For one reason only, Mason had never dated. He was still young but this was Mason Thompson, the guy who, whenever pictured at official events and various parties, always had a woman on his arm. And of all people, he decided to ask me.

“I can't believe it,” I murmured to myself, but I was grinning and no longer scared but happy about being that girl. The one he wanted to date, compared to all the rest who were most likely prettier, sexier or richer than me. None of them made him change his mind, only me.

The fact he’d never actually dated and wanted me to be his girlfriend… I had to admit, it was pretty sweet. So even though I was berating myself for giving into him once again, I didn’t regret it. If anything, I just wanted to see him more!

“But first, a proper shower.”

Before, I’d only jumped under the shower spray for a minute to clean up from last night. I’d been too impatient to see him and I could hear him cooking in my kitchen, so I’d toweled down, then dressed in some old clothes I found lying around and tried to act calm when I went out to see him. He must have bought the act, which was good because I didn’t need him to see just how much he affected me, or he’d use it against me in the future, I just knew it.

As I went to the bathroom, I turned on the stereo and played some music from the radio. I left the music loud so I could hear it over my shower, though my neighbors would probably complain of noise again if it went on for too long. I hummed along as I listened to the music, my secret weakness: punk from the early 2000s.

The song switched to one of my favorite bands to date, Green Day. I’d listened to the song enough times to have it all memorized, and I sang along loud and horribly off key.

Back in college, my study had been in music. I’d figured back then that if I loved it enough to want to listen to it all the time, I should try my hand at making my own. My reasons for picking the major may have been simple, but I’d thrown myself into it. I’d wanted to sing, but even back then, I knew I probably didn’t have a chance at it. I might have gotten a voice coach, gone through several practices and caught a glimmer of hope. But no matter how much I liked it, it was the easiest thing in the world to give up when the time came.

The playlist moved on, and another song I’d heard over and over but couldn’t get tired of went on. I hummed quietly to listen properly to the lyrics, because it always hit me right in the feels, and especially so at that moment. The song told a tale of first love and how it was lost. Saying ‘fuck it all’ to love, because it could be painful whether you had it or you didn’t.

Considering my current situation with Mason, I thought the song was very apt. It made me wonder what would become of us, if I would end up like the subject of the song, alone and singing in my shower to old music like one of those women who refused to stop using two cans of hairspray a day to keep their 1980s hairstyle from falling.

In the fantasy, my hair was long and straight, I didn’t have a specific hairstyle, nor would I ever, but the dream was so vivid I shuddered just thinking about it.

Before Mason, I’d only ever had the one real boyfriend. He was the guy who stuck it out with me for nearly a year. In college, I’d mostly just done a few one-night stands, and my first attempt at dating failed miserably in a couple of weeks, so I couldn’t even count it. I didn’t even mind, because I was serious about college, no matter how slim my chances were of getting the ending I wanted. I hadn’t known then that I had to cherish the time I had while I was healthy. I’d wasted it.

Then I got sick.

After the cancer treatments, the first two guys I tried to date couldn’t stick around for long after they’d seen me naked because it bothered them. It was around that time I decided to have a nipple tattoo to replace the one cut out after the surgery, covering up the scars that remained behind.

I may have been judging Mason too harshly, because considering my previous experience, he was by far the best. Besides him being younger, and annoying me in the beginning, there was nothing wrong with him. It was a little strange thinking of him that way, but the thought certainly rang true, and it made me feel a little better about my decision like it wasn’t entirely the wrong choice.

The water cooled down, and I yelped and turned it off, coming back to myself. I didn’t know how long I’d drifted off, but I needed to get out before my skin started to shrivel up.

Even once I had the shower off, I still didn’t move. Instead, I stared at the shower walls as thoughts ran through my mind.

“I’m dating Mason Thompson,” I said out loud and shivered.

Darn, it didn’t even feel real. The Thompson name was such a big name to everyone that worked at the hotel. Heck, it was even a part of the hotel’s name! Even when a guest wasn’t necessarily related to the Thompson family, if they had the same name, the staff made sure to look out for them specifically. It was made into a rule.

Everyone would flip if they ever found out the news, not that I was going to tell them. I wasn’t even sure when I would tell Jessi. I had to tell her with her being my best friend and all. I’d have to muster up some courage to manage it, but I could get through it later.

A draft went through my bathroom, and I shivered because I was just standing there, all wet, and I got out and picked up a towel to wipe myself down. Then I picked an outfit, one of my best, and slowly pulled it on.

Was this… going to be okay? Even if we were just trying, I was already in too deep with this kid, falling even deeper would probably just bring worse results later on. At the moment, I could at least put up with my disappointment. Eventually, I’d move on. But if we got closer, it would be harder.

Sure, for the moment, Mason rocked my world. I couldn’t keep lying to myself and claim he meant nothing at all when that was not the case. But that didn’t mean any of the problems I’d thought of before were suddenly gone. If anything, now that we were trying and it wasn’t just a one-night thing, I’d probably get to see it all clearly when I wasn’t sure I wanted to.

Could I take this chance? Or, the more appropriate question, should I take this chance? Because after that time I’d been sick, I’d decided to make sure I lived without regrets, and this didn’t feel like one of those times where regrets wouldn’t crop up. I was happy, sure, but I also couldn’t help but be uneasy about everything, and didn’t that speak volumes? If I couldn’t just be wholly happy with this…

“What are you talking about, you stubborn girl?” I scolded myself, interrupting the negative thoughts.

After everything, what was my motto now? In spite of all my regrets, I would always look forward to the bright side. So why was I sabotaging myself by thinking about all the things that could go bad?

If regret happened down the line, then I could deal with it then. I had to admit, if only to myself, that if I let this chance pass me by and ignored it instead of trying to work toward it, I would regret not trying at all when it was something I was already losing sleep over.

“He said he trusted me,” I muttered, picking up my mirror and looking at my frowny face. “He said he trusts me, so…”

As fake as his pretty words had sounded, I completely believed everything he said because it was probably the sincerest I’d ever seen him. He didn’t look like the kind of man who divulged his secrets to people easily, so it would only be fair if I responded in kind, right?

I was going to try and trust in him. The moment he broke it, I’d probably run, but for the moment I had no reason to.

“Please Mason,” I said with a sigh. “Don’t give me a reason not to trust you, okay?”

I finished getting myself dressed, and realized I still had some time. So I finally sat down to continue the knitting from last night with the little time I had to wait before lunch. I kept checking the time as I worked, not sure exactly when he wanted me to arrive anyway, growing ever so impatient as the time ticked away slowly.