“Explain it to me again, Ethan. Why on earth do you want to go to Arizona?”

“The Payson convention—I told you.”

“Yes, you told me, and it’s complete bullshit. The New York Cyber Fair is this weekend. That’s a huge promo opportunity, and you want to go to some village hall in Arizona? Tell me what’s going on.”

I set my laptop into its case and pull the zipper around. Ever since I told her to book the jet, Jennifer has been on my back about this weekend. She’s sharp—that’s why she’s my right-hand woman.

“Mitchell can handle the Cyber Fair on his own. I trust him.”

“The press wants you, Ethan.”

“I’m sure they’ll find some other poor businessman to stalk for a few days.”

“Payson’s your hometown, right?”

I raise my eyebrow and give her a stern look over my shoulder.

“What? Forgive me for paying attention. Come on, Ethan—this isn’t a business trip. Be straight with me. What’s really going on in Payson? Is there something with your family?”

Slinging the laptop case over my shoulder, I turn toward her. “You know I don’t have family.”

“You had some kind of life before New York, though.” Jennifer stands before me with concern in her eyes. “I hope you’d tell me if something was wrong. You know I care.”

“I know.” I offer her a reassuring smile. “It’s a Vincent thing.”

“Oh, for Pete’s sake, Ethan!” Jennifer’s concern disappears with a roll of her eyes. “Can’t you forget about him for five minutes? The Cyber Fair is more important than settling whatever beef you have.”

“It’s complicated, Jennifer. Trust me, okay?”

“Fine. Just keep the big picture in mind. Don’t let the defense contract slip away because you’re too busy throwing stones at Vincent.”

I’ve survived another of Jennifer’s scoldings. No other employee would dare talk to me like that, but Jennifer has always said her piece without hesitating. I like that about her. “You have my word.”

Her face softens. “Have a safe journey, then. Your luggage should already be in the limo, but make sure you double check with James before you head off. I’ve arranged a private apartment rental for you in Payson. The details are in the file I gave you earlier. Let me know if you’re going to be away longer than planned. I’ll sort it out.”

“Thanks, Jennifer.”

It’s strange to leave New York. The city has hidden me for a long time.

I board my jet, and we take off. As the skyscrapers and bright lights fade away, I recall a little town I’ve tried hard to forget. Payson, Arizona—I’m coming home.

* * *

I’m frozen at the graveside in my black suit. It’s raining sideways, and my damp collar is rubbing against my neck. I stare at the soil. My jacket is growing colder and heavier with each passing minute.

Lily folds down her black umbrella—it’s doing her no good anyway. She shivers. Her hair, smooth this morning, is now frizzy, minuscule droplets of rain clinging to each strand. The black dress she’s wearing is new. Lily never wears black.

Long after the other mourners have moved on, we’re still here. I can’t leave. Not yet.

My hands are in my pockets. Instead, Lily takes hold of my forearm and looks up at me. She opens her mouth to say something, but there are no words, and she closes it again. Her eyes are red—she’s been crying too.

“They’ve found somewhere for me to stay,” I tell her. “It’s a foster family. It’s only until I graduate. Then, who knows?”

Lily doesn’t know what to say. She rests her head against my chest, and her tears seep into my lapel. I know she begged her mom to let me stay with them, but Lily’s an innocent fifteen-year-old girl, and I’m a scary seventeen-year-old boy. I guess Lily’s mom thought it was too much.

“Will you be far away?”

I shake my head. “No.”

“Good.”

My feet are sinking into the mud. My new shoes are slick and stuck with clumps of grass. They are my neighbor’s son’s. I feel bitterness so strong, I can taste it.

“My mom worked hard her whole damn life, for what? She gets sick, and each chemo session becomes a business transaction. If she’d have been some rich woman from the other side of town, she’d still be here.”

Lily blinks quickly, holding back tears. “You can’t think like that, Ethan. They did all they could.”

“On a budget.” I scowl, then shake my head. “She should have told me sooner. I’d never have quit that job. What must she have thought of me? She’s dying, and I’m acting like a brat because I don’t want to deal with real life. It’s fucking real now.”

“You couldn’t have saved her, Ethan. It was out of your hands.”

“I didn’t even try. She worked three jobs to keep a roof over our heads, and I acted like I was entitled to it because I didn’t like the feel of hard work. I did nothing to help her.”

“You’re being too hard on yourself. It wasn’t like that.”

“Yes, it was, Lily. I didn’t want to work in that store because I wanted to paint instead. That’s the hard truth of it.”

“She didn’t die because you quit your job, Ethan. She had cancer.”

“I guess it doesn’t matter now anyway. It’s too late to do anything. I let her down, and I’m going to have to find a way to live with that.”

Lily turns on her heel and stands on her tiptoes so she can grab my shoulders firmly. Her eyes are hard.

“No,” she says. “You did not let her down. You were a teenager who acted like a teenager. You didn’t kill her. You didn’t turn your back on her. You couldn’t have bought her life back with a part-time job. This is a horrible tragedy, Ethan, but it’s nobody’s fault.”

“I can’t help feeling like I should have done more.”

Lily’s hands slip from my shoulders and wrap around me. She holds me tightly in a supportive hug, and I close my arms around her. We stand entwined in the rain with nothing left to say.

She’s here for me, but she doesn’t understand. Lily has a whole family—her mom, dad, sister. There will always be someone else to share the load.

It was only my mom and me, and I didn’t pull my head out of the clouds until it was far too late. This is a wake-up call. I can’t keep pretending life doesn’t happen because you don’t want it to. It’s time to step up. To change.