ALLEX

“Are you telling us we’ve mated with human women who aren’t part of the program? And many are already pregnant?” Arnon had called a meeting of the brothers, and we were sitting around a conference table as the ship careened through space at something close to light speed. A view screen in the room showed the black of outer space, but it didn’t do anything to quell my feeling of betrayal.

I stared at Arnon blankly. I imagined my brothers were frowning at him as well.

Arnon gave us a fake smile. “It’s a good thing, right? And there are more couples in the bonding stage right now. Soon more children will be born, and we’ll have the first generation of females who will save the Auxem from extinction.”

We weren’t impressed. “How is it possible?” Ayrie looked bewildered.

Arnon dropped his attempt at a smile. “Our father and Earth’s President agreed to the trial to please the public. In a secret meeting, they arranged to send additional women covertly soon after we left Earth.”

“How’s Jayne taking the news?” Anders shook his head sadly.

Arnon closed his eyes. “You don’t want to know. She was supposed to be in charge of the entire operation.”

“I can’t believe Father did this behind our backs!” Ayrie slammed his fist into the table. The black look on his face didn’t make him appear any less handsome. We didn’t get along with our father, but one thing I appreciated was that he provided the genetic code that made us all incredibly good-looking. It was almost unfair that there were so many attractive males in a single family, but we couldn’t help it.

Arnon was tall with dark hair and eyes. Ayrie was his exact opposite, blond and devilishly gorgeous. Anders had a wiry build, with messy brown hair and a who-gives-a-shit attitude. Avren had long brown hair which was always falling in his eyes. He managed to look like an intellectual, even without glasses. I was blond, like Ayrie, and tall, like Arnon. I had brown eyes, and I liked what I saw when I looked in the mirror.

“Well, he is the king. He can do whatever he wants.” Avren was always the voice of reason. “Did he tell you, at least, Arnon?”

We all turned to look at our oldest brother. He dropped his eyes and shook his head.

“That’s sneaky, even for Father.” Anders looked shocked.

“He was even more determined than he let on.” The more I thought about our father and his decisions, the angrier I became.

“He should have consulted with us.” Arnon was carefully keeping his face expressionless. I knew he must have been furious when he discovered important decisions had been made without his input. Arnon was the firstborn, and our father typically consulted with him or kept him informed about critical issues. “I only learned about this because I accidentally overheard Father talking with Earth’s President.”

“What are we going to do about it?” Anders trailed off. He didn’t want to suggest anything before hearing Arnon’s position.

“Nothing. I just wanted you all to know, so you aren’t surprised when we make an official announcement about the babies. I know everyone here can do the math. You would have figured it out without me, and I didn’t want you thinking I kept anything from you.”

The more I thought about our father’s deception, the angrier I became. “What a bastard.”

Arnon turned to me. “Allex, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.”

“I’m right here. Don’t be shy.” I felt wary seeing the look on my brother’s face.

“You need to make up with him. The resentment you’re carrying around is consuming you.”

“Hey, I’m not the only one mad at him.” I hadn’t expected those words to come out of Arnon’s mouth. I looked around for support, but I didn’t find any. “You are all angry, too.”

“I think you know what I mean. You’re the only one of us who never talks to him. If anyone mentions him, you get so angry that you nearly burst into flames.”

“I don’t like my father.” I tried to avoid looking petulant. “Lots of people are in the same situation as me.”

Anders stood up. “He’s right, Allex. But the thing is, we don’t care about lots of people. We care about you. We don’t want to see you destroy yourself.”

“Are you sure I’m the one who has the problem? He abandoned us. He checked out and stopped being our father.”

Arnon nodded, his eyes sad. “You felt it more than any of us because you were young. Allex, holding a grudge against him is hurting you, not him. Let it go. We’re all concerned about you.”

I glanced around the table and saw the other three nodding. It was annoying that they were all on the same page. I felt a familiar frustration rising in me as I stared at Arnon.

The stupid thing was that I agreed with him. The problem, though, was him telling me what to do again, like always. I loved all my brothers more than anything. We were close and always had each other’s backs. In a sense, all we had was one another.

When the virus devastated our population and all the women on Auxem died, including our mother, our family nearly fell apart. I was two years old when she died. I never knew her. I grew up around boys and men. By the time I was old enough to understand the tragedy afflicting our people, all the women in our family were already gone. The remaining females weren’t anywhere I could interact with them. They were already patients in hospitals.

My oldest brother, Arnon, was old enough to have memories of our mother before she died. Sometimes I was jealous of my siblings because they knew her. Even Avren had a few memories. Not me.

My family was always sad. From the time I understood sorrow, I had seen it in my brothers. My first memory was when I gave Arnon one of my stuffed animals. I had found him crying because he missed our mother. He had smiled and hugged me. Soon I had turned into the model child, trying to please my father too, although he was impossible to satisfy. I was always thinking about my brothers and trying anything I could to make them happy.

Arnon was the one who had pulled our family together.

I would always be grateful, but I didn’t like that they ordered me around. I knew I was the youngest one in the family. Sometimes my youth worked out for me. My brothers have always helped me and protected me from harm. Their advice prevented me from failing many times.

The virus was going to render all the Auxem males infertile. None of us would be able to reproduce in a couple of years. If we didn’t intervene, our race was going to die out.

Our plight had shaped my life in more ways than I cared to count. It’s why I decided to become a healer so I could help people recover from viruses instead of dying from them. It’s why I’ve lived on a starship for most of my life, trying to find an elusive group of women to help save us from extinction.

My entire life felt like a trap, and the desire for everyone around me to have peace felt like a noose around my neck. I’ve heard that you can’t please everyone, but I’ve tried.

I longed for a mother, but I couldn’t empathize with my brothers because I didn’t miss her. I had stared at her picture for hours, wishing I could talk to her. Finally, I understood I never would and eventually stopped hoping for something that would never happen. Trying to make people happy had remained part of my character and made my life difficult.

For years I thought pleasing my father would make him pay attention to me, but it never worked. He never noticed me no matter what I did. I ended up furious with him. He refused to give me what I needed when I was a boy, and it left a gaping hole in my heart.

I knew I should stop saying yes to everyone and stand up for myself. I needed to start making my own decisions.

It was easier said than done, especially at moments like these.

“Of course, I will, Arnon.” The feeling of being trapped and forced to do something I didn’t want to do nearly suffocated me. I managed to suppress it. I shouldn’t feel like this, but I couldn’t help it.

He breathed a sigh of relief, and his shoulders dropped. “Thanks, Allex. You won’t regret it.”

I nodded. Arnon changed the subject. “Are you guys all coming for dinner on Sunday?” Ever since he married Jayne, we had gathered at their place every Sunday to eat. An affirmative chorus rang out around the table.

I had to go. “Yes, of course.” I made myself smile. My family would be upset if I missed a single meal. It was frustrating to feel like I was being forced to do something I actually wanted to do. I liked spending time with my brothers and their wives. I never knew I would like children before we had some in the family, but I really enjoyed my niece and nephew.

“Great. We love having you over.” Arnon was about to move on when he turned his head back and looked at me again. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

I tried to make my enthusiasm sound genuine. “I’m fine. I can’t wait for Sunday!”

“Okay.” He clapped me on the shoulder. “I wanted to make sure everyone understood.”

We left after some handshaking and small talk. I headed down the beige corridors to my apartment, thinking about Sundays. I wondered when I would get used to being around women on Sundays.

I envied Anders and his job as a starship pilot. Every day he got to work with Gwen, his pilot partner. I couldn’t imagine spending as much time with a woman as he did. There had been a female lab attendant and a few nurses and doctors over the years, but they never stayed for long. In my world, there were only men. We needed the project with Earth to succeed so we could have women back in our lives. People weren’t supposed to live without women.

I loved everything about women — their looks, different ways of thinking, and intelligence. I had a couple of girlfriends, but things were never serious. Once we started roaming the galaxy looking for women to help repopulate our world, there hadn’t been room for anyone in my life.

Ayrie and Anders went looking for women they could fool around with on every planet. A lot of women passed through their quarters. They didn’t fuck them, but Ayrie always said you could have a lot of fun without going all the way.

People from Auxem mated for life. The first time we fuck, we bond with the woman. Everything worked out if the man was in love with the woman. But if they weren’t in love, they risked getting Bond Rejection Syndrome, an illness that could lead to madness. One night stands weren’t part of our vocabulary.

Still, Ayrie and Anders would do almost anything except fuck a woman.

Not me. The idea of fooling around with a stranger for a single night didn’t appeal to me. I hadn’t been with a woman for a long time. I would have liked to, of course. I had been attracted to some of the women I had met since my last girlfriend, but I had never let things progress. It didn’t make sense. I knew I wasn’t in love with them.

There was no point in dating someone I couldn’t love. I was waiting for my soul mate. It was a little hokey, but I tried not to tell anyone. A woman was waiting for me, someone with whom I could do everything. There was no point in messing around with someone who wasn’t her.

Dating infrequently wasn’t a big deal; the Auxem were masters of self-control. I knew my right hand pretty well, or sometimes my left for variety. But what was I supposed to do? I wasn’t a monk who could transmute sexual energy into enlightenment. I had to release the pressure somehow.

It was hard watching Arnon and Ayrie with their wives. Seeing them around each other was bringing out my desire for a woman.

My thoughts returned to what Arnon had asked me. I could never forgive my father.