CHAPTER SIX - RACHEL
My bath water was warm, the bubbles were high, and my wine was chilled to perfection. It would have been the perfect relaxing moment had I not been thinking of the day’s blind side. I loved Shauna, but I couldn’t believe she’d done it. We’d made a pact, and I understood that he was her brother, but that shouldn’t give her the pass to interfere. If I’d known he was living so close, that he hadn’t gone back into the military like I’d assumed after their mother’s death, then I would have maybe asked her more about him, maybe even asked for his number. And if I hadn’t, it would have been my choice.
Duncan and I had known each other for years, but he’d always mostly hung around the other older boys in the neighborhood and didn’t have much time for Shauna, his baby sister, and me. We were three years younger so to me he was just another smelly boy until I noticed the other girls noticing him.
We were about eleven and Duncan was fourteen when he had his first girlfriend, and it was only after that when I started noticing him in a different way. I’d wanted to be like those older girls, not only because their bodies were more developed, but because he was interested in them. I remember seeing Duncan around his house wearing nothing but sweats, and how he’d come in one day from seeing his girlfriend down the block. He was sweaty, his face flushed, and he had a raging hard on that was pitching out the front of his joggers. I had noticed immediately, and he caught me staring and gave me a wink. I felt the heat stain my cheeks, but later I noticed something else. I noticed that he started treating me differently.
He didn’t push me away like an extension of his little sister. Instead, he tried to strike up a conversation with me as if what I’d seen that day brought us to a whole different level. Not that he would ever touch me or kiss me, no, I was far too young, but it was like there was a special secret between the two of us; an understanding. And I didn’t stop noticing him from that day on.
It was painful watching him with the line of other, older girls. They were like cattle in a revolving stall, and when he started playing sports, it only got worse. He was one of the most popular boys in school and somehow, at the end of my freshman year, things changed.
It was like one day, Duncan had decided that I was old enough and interesting enough to garner his attention. My father had not been happy. When we’d first started dating, he’d had a fit. He didn’t like the idea of me being with someone older, someone who was surely more experienced in the ways of teenage lust. I’d convinced Daddy it was okay and that Duncan was respectable. I also assured him that with Duncan right next door, he could keep a close eye on him.
After that, my father did keep a much closer eye, and he stopped letting spend the night with Shauna. Fortunately for me, my father hadn’t figured out I was really hanging out with Duncan until the summer was already over.
It wasn’t like anything had happened with his sister around anyway. We’d stay up late watching movies with Shauna and would crash on the living room floor like always, except then he’d gravitate my way by morning.
Shauna was supportive from the start but warned me that her brother was a heartbreaker. I should have listened. By the end of my sophomore year, he ended things abruptly, harshly, and over the goddamned phone, and I wished I’d paid attention to her warnings.
My insides burned at the thought, my gut twisting in agony as if it were the very day it had happened. I took a deep breath realizing tears were streaming down my face. I quickly dried them and wondered if I’d wasted my whole life on him.
I’d only ever dated a few men since and that was in hopes that something would blossom and they’d replace Duncan in my heart, but it had been impossible. There was no replacing him.
Maybe it was because my only sexual experience had been with him and I had a hard time being intimate with the other men. Those few times I’d let someone touch me, hadn’t compared to the way I’d felt when Duncan had. He’d given me my first orgasm and managed it with only his fingers and no penetration. I’d been too afraid to go all the way, and he’d admitted that he was worried he’d get me pregnant, and that once he got going, he’d be unable to stop. It had been heaven with him, knowing- well thinking- that he’d loved me the same way I’d loved him.
And then, in a blink, it was over.
The phone on the side of the tub vibrated and gave me a start. I looked at the screen but didn’t recognize the number. I almost didn’t pick it up but decided I better. It could be someone from work. “Hello?”
“Rachel don’t hang up. I want to talk.” The voice was desperate, and though it was much rougher than I remembered, I’d know it anywhere.
“I’m in the tub.” I don’t know why I said that, it wasn’t as if it made a difference and my cheeks flared as if he could actually see me naked.
“I can call back if you’d like, but I’d like to talk things over.” He sounded out of breath, and I wondered if it took him much courage to call or if he was used to this sort of thing. No doubt he’d had many other women and much more experience than me.
“No, it’s fine.” I kept my tone indifferent and settled back in the tub, heating my water a bit from the tap which I left running at a trickle. “Though I’m not sure what there is to say, we’re strangers who shared a past.”
“That’s not true. I’ve missed you, and I want to take you to lunch tomorrow. I know my sister set us both up and I got on her about it. She should have talked to us both first, but I’m not sorry that she did what I’ve been too afraid to do all these years.”
Hearing those words had my heart soaring, but I knew it wouldn’t all be that easy. He had repairing to do, and I wasn’t sure he was really up for the task.
“You’re the one who broke things off in a text message. Our undoing was your fault, not mine.” I reached up and shut off the trickle of water and laid back so fast that the water swelled up over my breasts. Seeing the water splash out over the side of the tub made me realize my tone had been a bit harsh.
“You don’t think I know that? I was only trying to protect your future, and it wasn’t my idea alone. Your father made it perfectly clear that I was to end things before I left. He didn’t give me much choice and even though that the last thing I wanted to do, I did it for you. I didn’t want you to ruin your life waiting around for me. You had talent and a bright future. Your father convinced me that with me out of the picture you had a real chance to do great things in life.”
“My father was there to console me when you gutted me and left him with the pieces. He said he didn’t understand it any more than I did, so I don’t know what you’re trying to pull, but it’s a little low bringing my father into this!” I said, my voice raising angrily.
“If you don’t believe me, call him and ask him. And while we’re on the subject of parents, why didn’t you come to my mother’s funeral? She loved you like a daughter, and you weren’t there for Shauna or me.”
I’d been unable to attend because of work, but I had a feeling he thought it was because of him. Maybe it had been. The thought of seeing him there terrified me and work had been a welcome excuse.
“I was on a job. I hated missing it, but I had no choice. I loved your mother.” My voice broke, but I caught myself. I wasn’t going to let him make me cry again. Never again, dammit.
After a moment, he spoke. “I thought I was doing you a favor, Rachel. That if I left and things didn’t work out I’d only be prolonging your pain. Let’s stop fighting and try to mend things, please. Have lunch with me.”
“Fine. But just lunch.” I hung up before he could say more and saved his phone number in the contacts. Then I decided to give my father a call and ask him about what Duncan said.
His voice was soft as he explained. “I thought it was best for you to get over it and move on. I thought of how your mother had waited for me and wasted all those years. I’m not sorry she did, because we had you, but when she died, it made me wish she’d gotten to do more, you know?”
“So, he wasn’t lying. I’d hoped he was lying,” I mumbled.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart.” I let that be his final words, and then I ended the call and pulled the plug.
My bath water had turned cold.