Lily

I treated myself to a cab after work. Everything with Rhys was so mentally exhausting that I couldn’t face the hustle of the subway. The traffic to the Lower East Side was pretty gnarly, even though it still hadn’t snowed. By the time I got home, it was dark. I checked my phone, half hoping to have gotten a message from Rhys. I hadn’t heard from him since he’d brought the tree over a few days ago.

I slunk against the wall of the elevator as it made its way up to my floor, too tired even to stand. As the doors parted, I held my breath. Maybe, somehow, Rhys would be waiting for me in the hallway with Chinese takeout and those gorgeous cheekbones. But as I turned the corner, my heart sank.

The hallway was empty.

My shoulders slumped as I poked around in my purse for my key. “I really need to clean out my bag,” I muttered to myself as I found a half-wrapped candy cane I’d forgotten a few days before. Finally, I found my key and went for the door.

And stopped.

My apartment door was ajar.

Why was my apartment open?

The hairs on my neck started to stand up, and I whipped my head around to make sure no one was behind me.

“Hello?” I called out through the crack in the door, feigning a deep voice. No answer. I took out my phone and dialed Jen.

No answer.

“Shit,” I said under my breath. I tiptoed over to Rhys’ door and hesitated before knocking, softly, so as not to disturb the burglar-slash-killer inside my apartment. “Come on, be home,” I whispered. “Come on, come on,” I urged, hoping he’d hear me.

No one came to the door.

Could Jen simply have left the door open by mistake? She was sometimes scatterbrained like that.

I glanced up and down the hall and finally decided to peek inside, reasoning that if things went south, I could always make a run for the stairs.

I moved carefully, stepping around the squeaky floorboard, and slowly pushed the door open just enough so I could poke my head in.

I gasped.

The whole apartment, every corner, was…glowing. The entire place had been filled with small white twinkle lights, and white paper snowflakes hung from every surface. Everything glimmered and sparkled and…I was stunned into silence.

Then my eyes caught on the figure by the tree.

 “Rhys?”

He whipped around, but once he saw it was me, his face softened. “Hey.”

I opened and closed my mouth a few times. “How - how did you get in?”

“Jen let me borrow her key.”

Jen. Of course. I surveyed the decorations. “Did you do this?”

He nodded, looking bashful.

Bashful was not a normal look for Rhys Conner. 

“They’re… it’s beautiful.”

He reached out to rub the back of his neck. “Thanks.”

“How…how’d you even…” I trailed off. It had to have taken days to make this many snowflakes. It was incredible.

He shrugged. “I took a few days off. You always say it’s not Christmas without snow, right? Do you like it?”

“It’s amazing.”

He smiled. “You’re amazing.”

I glanced back at him and then down at the floor. “Rhys.”

“Lily, wait. Before you say anything, there’s something I need to say. Can you come sit down?”

He gestured to the sofa, and I took a seat.

“Lily.” He pushed his hands into his pockets and sat down on the coffee table opposite me. “I came here because I needed to talk.”

I swallowed. “Rhys.”

“I can’t do this anymore.”

I pulled back. Wait. What? That was not what I was expecting him to say.

“I need to be honest. Can I be honest with you?”

I nodded slowly, not sure where this was going.

“I love you. I’ve loved you since our senior year. Maybe I was too young to realize it, but the important thing is that I realize it now.”

He paused, letting his words echo and reverberate in my head.

My mind was swimming. What was he saying? I knew I should say something, but the words just weren’t coming.

“Do you - do you have anything to say?” he asked finally.

He looked so gorgeous in the low light, the shape of his strong jaw casting shadows and his eyes deep and reflective.

A pit of anxiety started to take hold in my stomach. He loved me? What did that mean? “Rhys,” I said, struggling to piece together my feelings. “Thank you. Really. That’s so sweet.” I turned and gestured to the room. “Really.”

He locked eyes with me for a long minute, and I fought to stay afloat in his gaze, his pupils threatening to consume all of me. Could I do this? Could I let myself get lost in him?

“What is it?”

“What?”

“That look… do you hate it? I can take it down. Just say the word.” He searched my face.

“No, it’s amazing. It’s just…I’m scared, Rhys.”

He held his distance and nodded. “Okay.”

“This really is amazing.” I gestured to the room.

“Sure,” he said, but something in his voice had shifted.

Rhys got up. “I should go.”

I stayed sitting as he paused yet again, waiting for me to acknowledge him.

So I gave the smallest of nods.

And then he left.

 

A few hours later, I was still on the couch in my work clothes when Jen got home.

“Whoa, holy-jingle-bells, what the hell do we have here?”

I didn’t respond as she took off her coat.

“What the hell happened here? Did a paper shredder and a snowman have an orgy?”

“Rhys did it,” I said quietly, still staring at the tree.

“Damn, seriously? Ah, so that’s why he wanted the key. Well, I guess you’ve said he’s pretty skilled with his hands.” I heard her open the fridge and pour herself a glass of wine. “You want a drink?”

“No. Thanks.”

“So, where is he? Tell me he didn’t just drop a snowflake bomb and leave.”

“I - I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?” She came over and sat next to me. “Hey, are you okay? You look pale.”

I pressed my lips together as my emotions balled up inside my throat and shook my head. “I think...I think he just broke up with me.”

Jen tilted her head at me. “What are you talking about? Broke up? No offense, but you guys weren’t even together. What happened?”

“I don’t know! One minute, he’s practically a stalker and I can’t get away from him, and the next he’s over here with, with this.” I gestured toward the room full of decorations. “And then all of a sudden it’s like something switched.”

“That does seem strange. So he just came over, jizzed snowflakes everywhere, and took off?”

I went silent.

“Lily? What are you not telling me? Oh shit, did you guys sleep together again?”

My head snapped up. “What? No! Nothing like that.”

“Not even oral?”

“Jen.” I frowned at her and then looked back at the tree. “He…he said he loved me.”

“Oh, Lord.” Jen took another swig of her wine.

“What?”

“Rhys Conner told you he’s in love with you.”

I nodded.

“And you did what, exactly?”

“What do you mean, what did I do?”

“I mean tell me exactly what you did. Rhys told you he loved you, and you said…what?”

I sputtered. “I…I don’t get what you mean. He told me, and… I dunno… I listened.”

Jen sat back and groaned. “Dude. Seriously?”

“What was I supposed to do? Tell him I loved him back? This is Rhys we’re talking about.”

“Exactly! The man you’ve loved since you were seventeen!”

“No,” I said holding up my hands. “I don’t love him. Not anymore.”

 Jen examined me. “Oh my Lily. My sweet, sweet, little Lily. You just don’t get it, do you, babe?”

I stole the wine from her. “What?”

“Do I need to spell it out for you? Look, I love you babe, but you have some major abandonment issues. Like, Harvard-research-study level. I mean, I get it, your Dad left you guys, and now you think Rhys is the same guy because he ran off in Tahoe. But you’re forgetting something huge. He was, like, twenty years old.”

“Twenty years old is still an adult,” I shot back.

“Yeah, but he’s a guy. We all know guys mature way slower. Whatever. All I’m saying is that I think you’re doing, uh, what’s that word? Transference? I think you are doing some of that. Cut the guy some slack. You think he wants to be living in a shitty six-hundred-square-foot apartment in the Lower East Side? He’s a fucking successful artist. He’s only here because of you. He brings you coffee every morning and bought you a fucking Christmas tree.”

“Yeah, but - ”

“No but. You do realize a Christmas tree is like the Lily-equivalent of a thousand red roses? So, come on, girl, and I say this as a friend, but you need to wake the fuck up!”

I frowned. “But I don’t like him that way anymore.”

Jen stood up. “Okay, hang on. I’m gonna need another glass of wine for this discussion.”

She went over to the kitchen and a minute later settled back into the armchair opposite me.

“Okay, repeat after me,” she said, sitting cross-legged facing me. “I, Liliana Hayes...”

“I’m not doing this, Jen.”

“Just say it. I, Liliana Hayes.”

I sighed. “I, Liliana Hayes.”

“Have been and still am madly in love with Rhys Conner and his big dick.”

“Jen!”

“Say it, and tell me how it feels.”

I frowned. “I’m not saying it because it’s not true.”

“I thought you said his dick was huge?”

“I didn’t mean -  argh! Jen. Be serious. I don’t know what to do.”

She sat back. “Well, I think it’s pretty simple.” She took a sip of wine. “You need to figure out how you feel. That’s all he’s waiting for! I mean, this boy is clearly in love with you. You told him that him running off fucked you up, and he’s been busting his ass trying to make up for it.”

I went silent.

“You know I’m right. It might take you a little while to realize that, but I know you, Lily.”

I sat back and stared at the tree. The tree Rhys had bought down on Delancey and carried three blocks. Not because he loved Christmas. He bought it because I loved Christmas.

Jen was right. It was the Lily-equivalent of a thousand red roses. How had I not seen that?

I’d been so worried Rhys hadn’t changed that I never stopped to consider that I was the one who’d stayed the same. The hang-ups that used to haunt my dreams were now present in my waking life and were threatening to ruin the best thing that had ever happened to me.

I looked back at Jen. “Shit, I think you’re right.”

“Oh, thank fucking God,” she said, taking another sip of wine.

“I have to go see him.” I got up.

“Well, lucky for you, he’s right across the hall.”

Across the hall.

“I - I…. Do I look okay?” I smoothed the front of my work shirt and pants.

“Yes, but hang on.” Jen jumped up and rifled through her purse before pulling out a red lipstick. “Here, purse your lips.”

I pressed them together.

Jen dabbed the lipstick on ever-so-slightly and then stood back and smiled. “Perfect.”

I turned to the mirror by the front door and smoothed my hair with my hands. “Okay, I’m going.”

Jen swatted my ass. “Go get him, babe!”

 

I nodded and exited to the hall, careful to close the door behind me. The last thing I needed was my roommate listening in on a conversation that had my heart pounding through my chest. I still didn’t know how I’d start. Should I apologize first or just run in and tell him how I felt? Either way, the weight of everything was starting to feel heavy on my chest. I’d basically rejected him. I couldn’t see how he’d take it any other way. But I was ready to eat crow, if required.

I made my way across the hall, stepping carefully and quietly over the worn wood floors toward his door. The apartment number still sported the two dried flowers Mrs. J had glued there years ago.

I knocked softly and then listened for movement on the other side of the door. I imagined the look of surprise on his face, maybe at first spoiled by confusion, but he’d come around.

He had to.

I knocked a little louder, my stomach feeling like lead. Maybe he’s in the bathroom, I reasoned.

When he still didn’t come, I crouched down on the floor and looked through the gap under the door.

No light came through. He was gone.