“Hey gorgeous!”

Will is looking as pretty as always. He had to listen to me ramble on for over an hour before exhaustion caught up with me. Now I’m back to check on my men and tell them the good news.

“They sent me new instructions. Some of the diagrams are still transmitting, but later today I’ll be able to try making the vaccine once again.” I sigh, trying to shove the doubts in my mind into a corner. “I’m sure this time it will work. I figured out why the last batch got too acidic, so that problem has been solved.”

I don’t tell them about all the other problems facing me. When I skimmed through the instructions earlier, there were a lot of notes in red saying things like “if you do this step wrong, it could be lethal”. I might end up killing the men, not saving them. And with nobody here to test the vaccine on, any mistake I make will affect their health. I hate having this responsibility. I’m a geologist, the only responsibility I usually have is for the wellbeing of my rocks. And they’re pretty hard to hurt.

I miss my work, spending time outside, exploring the landscape, trying to find out more about the planet’s structure and origin. Now all I do is hurry from one task to another. Always chores, no enjoyment. The highlight of my day is coming to the loading bay to talk to the guys. I’ve come to get to know them pretty well. Will is the quiet listener, Toby is my rock who I can cling to when despair threatens to overwhelm me, Bastian keeps the peace, Han’s almost-smirk on his lips makes me laugh, Jordan poses questions that challenge me and Jim... well, he’s the mystery I’m trying to figure out.

Together, we make quite a good team. I do all the work and they support me in it. With their help, I’m sure I’m going to get this vaccine working.

Reassured, I leave them to it, going back to the lab in the hope that all the instructions have been transmitted by now. The data connection with Earth has been getting slower and less reliable with every week since the Drowning began. Add to that the time delay, it makes for some very boring conversations. We avoid sending images because of the limited bandwidth, but in this case, the scientists thought the diagrams are necessary for me to fulfil my task. That probably means it’s going to be very complicated. I wish I could avoid this and go back to my rocks, but life has changed and I have to deal with it. And if I want to have some company on this Station, I better get this thing working.

Luckily, everything’s downloaded. The graphics don’t look as complicated as I’d expected. Thank the bleeding Mars sands for that. And just like the last approach, it starts with me taking some of my own blood. All my tools are already on the table and all I need to do before playing vampire is load some code I was sent into one of the lab’s processors. That will tell the machine to filter out the blood serum which contains my antibodies and antigens. I need those before I can continue to the next step.

I put a tourniquet around my left upper arm and cringe as I go about the task. I don’t like needles, but whenever my stomach threatens to complain, I think of the six men in the loading bay who depend on me. I can’t let them down.

Once my blood has disappeared into the maw of the processor, I read through the next few instructions. They involve a lot of different tools and machines that I have to feed code to. It looks like the Earth scientists don’t trust me to do anything manually, so now they rely on the machines, even if that takes longer. Somehow it feels a little insulting for them to change their approach this much, but it also looks a lot more professional than me working with test tubes.

The timer on the processor tells me it’s going to take at least two hours. Time to check the sanitation pipes, that’s overdue.

* * *

I started making the new vaccine four days ago. Now it’s ready. Well, it’s supposed to be. I don’t know if it’ll work, not have any effect or harm them. Kill them, even. I hold a single syringe in my hands, filled with the clear liquid that could save my men. I’m going to try it on one of them, but I can’t decide. I’ve not slept because of it for two days. I’m holding their lives in my hand. I should give it to the strongest one, but they’ve all been selected for their exceptional good health. They wouldn’t be on Mars if they were weak.

I walk up and down the row of cryogenic tanks. I’ve got six lives in my hand. If I mess this up, they may never wake up again. They’ll die thinking they’re on the way to Mars to start a new life of adventure and discovery. I laugh. It’s definitely been an adventure, if you count all your Station mates dying and leaving you alone.

Six men. Six lives. Six possible deaths. Maybe I should draw a name from a metaphorical hat. That way I can blame Lady Luck. But I know I’d still hate myself even if I didn’t decide who to give the vaccination to.

I rub my eyes, exhausted from working and not sleeping enough. I need to do this now, while I still have the strength to make a new batch of vaccine, should this one not work. I can’t do many more weeks like that. I’ve lost weight and I’m in a permanent state of exhaustion. Sometimes I see things out of the corner of my eyes and am not sure if they’re real or not. And I know that talking to sleeping men is not a sign of a healthy mind either.

Maybe I should decide based on their jobs. A calculated decision. Who is needed the least? Can we survive without a cook? Certainly, I’ve lived off bland food for months now. How about the three scientists? Is their research relevant? Will anybody on Earth die because they didn’t complete their projects? Who knows. I don’t know enough about how important their research is. Then there’s Bastian, the mechanic. A lot of things on the station are malfunctioning so his skills would come in handy. And Han, the doctor - definitely needed.

I approach Toby’s tank, now looking more and more like a coffin to me. He looks so peaceful as he lies there sleeping, not knowing what I’m about to do. Luckily, he’s strong. I hope his immune system can handle the substance I’m about to inject.

I enter a code on the touchpad, one that ground control said would open the tanks but not wake them up. I have to be fast, though. I only have a minute to inject him with the vaccine before I have to close the tank. And even so, there’s a risk of contamination. I remember I have a mouth mask hanging around my neck, and pull it over my face. I must look scary and am glad that they are all sleeping.

I press ENTER and with a whizz of air, the tank opens. Toby looks even prettier up close. If muscles are your thing – they certainly are mine. I run a gloved finger over his arm, enjoying the feel of another human being’s skin. I’ve not touched anybody in so long. I’ve not been touched either. What I would give for a hug.

I shake my head and clear my thoughts. I need to be quick. No dawdling. Trying not to think about it, I ram the syringe into his arm, releasing the vaccine. It might be poison, it might be salvation. I’m going to know soon, I hope.

Stepping back, I watch as the lid of the tank closes and Toby disappears again. I may just have killed a man.

I put away the now empty syringe and take a second one, filled with the antidote the scientists came up with after lots of begging on my side. For some reason, they never thought of making one. But at least now I have something that could counteract the vaccine should it turn out to be dangerous.

I watch Toby cautiously. His vitals are steady, no change there. His face is just as calm as always. I wonder if he can feel pain in the comatose state he’s in just now. Probably not.

Suddenly, his heart rate peaks, and so does mine as the thin green line changes its rhythm. Something’s wrong. His heart beat is getting faster and is turning irregular. Damn. Should I wait and see if it gets better or give him the antidote, ruining the chance of him being inoculated and therefore able to live on this Station?

With shaking hands, I touch the glass separating me from Toby. One of my men. That’s when I see a black stain on his skin, spreading out from where the needle pierced his skin. It’s spreading quickly, already as large as the palm of my hand. I watch in shock as it grows, moving down his arm. Fuck.

I dash to the end of the tank and enter the emergency code that opens the lid. Quick, Louise, be quick. I curse as the computer takes an eternity to verify the code. It’s supposed to be an emergency code, why isn’t it opening?

The blackness has almost reached Toby’s wrist. I ready the antidote, ready to plunge the syringe into his arm as soon as the tank opens. When it finally does with a hissing noise, my heart is beating almost faster than his. Adrenaline is coursing through me as I inject him with the clear liquid, hoping that it’ll work. Please, don’t let me become a murderer.

I slam the lid shut and watch for any change. His entire arm is now black, including his fingers, but it seems to have stopped spreading further. His skin looks dry and brittle where it has turned black, almost as if it’s been burned. I’m close to crying as I see what I’ve done to him.

I stare at the monitor, begging for the numbers and lines to return back to normal. His heart rate is continuing to be high. It’s becoming more regular though, but that’s only a small relief.

I switch between looking at the screen and his arm for the next hour until his vitals finally stabilise. Exhausted, I sink to the ground, letting my tears fall freely. It’s all been for nothing, and I may just have destroyed Toby’s life.