Emilia knew she owed Josh an explanation, but it was too involved.
Too complicated.
Too exhausting.
For once, she just wanted to live in the moment and not be carried back under the sweeping waves of sorrow and regret.
Here they were, reunited high school sweethearts, sitting above the Pacific Ocean, sharing laughter and memories…and then her parents barged right into her life again. Only when it suited them, of course.
They probably ran out of money again.
She brought her gaze back to Josh’s and saw the hurt she caused him, but this time it wasn’t from eighteen years ago. This time, the pain came from this very moment, and her inability to connect with him.
What Josh didn’t realize was that it wasn’t him. She had built such a wall around her heart that she connected with absolutely no one, which was why her online persona was perfect. She called the shots.
Their meals were delivered, and Josh threw her a friendly gaze, but he realized she was building her fortress at this very moment.
“Listen, Josh.” She drew a breath. “I’m sorry. I’m just not cut out for this.”
“Which this, in particular?” he asked, cutting into his steak.
Josh’s gaze sliced right into hers and her stomach knotted.
“Because it’s really exhausting trying to keep up with all your personas. You’re happy. You’re mad. You’re sad. You’re excited. You’re grateful. You’re venge—”
She held up her hand and nodded. “I get the picture, and I’m not trying to show my split personalities all at once, but they sneak out.”
He took another bite of steak as her joke fell flat, and she wondered how she could get them back to better—safer—ground.
“What can I do to make it up to you?” she asked, chasing an elusive string bean on her plate.
“How about you start with the truth?”
“About what?” Her heart started hammering in her chest.
“Let’s start with who texted you.”
Emilia’s breath caught in the back of her throat.
Josh knew too much about her childhood to be accepting of what she was about to tell him. Emilia knew him too well. He was a man who believed in the three strikes and you’re out system, which was why she was surprised they were even having dinner together.
“Well?” His brows rose, and the look in his eyes told Emilia she needed to be straight with him.
“It was my parents.”
Saying the words somehow felt like a hundred-pound weight had been lifted.
“They’re still alive?” He looked completely shocked.
She cocked her head. “Why wouldn’t they be?”
He shrugged and shook his head. “I just assumed with the lifestyle they lived, they might not be. That kind of living can take a toll.”
She nodded in agreement, which was part of why she wanted to stay connected to them.
He drew a deep breath. “For how long?”
“How long what?”
“How long have they been back in your life?” he asked.
“Less than a year.”
He nodded and reclined his chair.
She could see the math spinning behind his eyes.
The very set of numbers she’d refused to calculate herself.
“And all is well with them?” His voice was hollow, already knowing the answer.
“It was,” she confessed. “When we first connected again.”
She could see the displeasure boiling up behind his gaze. The same look he had eighteen years ago when she confessed to searching for her parents.
It was as if the restaurant was spinning around her. Tables, chairs, customers, all rotating in an endless circle, but she refused to let herself faint. She already did that once in front of Dakota, and she didn’t intend on going down in front of Josh.
He continued to look at her, kindness slowly replacing the disapproval that had been there.
“And then what happened?”
She let out a cutting laugh.
“What hasn’t happened?” She shook her head and felt the disappointment wash over her entirely. She’d been tricked by her addict parents yet again. “I wanted to be forgiving, hopeful, and encouraging, and I was. I have been.”
“You always were, even after they abandoned you.” His expression was covered in sympathy just like she feared. It was that look on his face that she dreaded to see on the fateful night eighteen years ago. She didn’t deserve sympathy, and neither did her parents.
The people who deserved compassion were now dead, thanks to her. Mama Cam and Papa Jack had lost their lives because Emilia believed that her parents had changed. She’d put her grandparents’ lives in jeopardy, and her actions took them away forever.
And she never told a soul.
Never would.
But of all the people in the world, Emilia didn’t deserve Josh’s sympathy, and she’d been running from it for eighteen years.
“Well, being naïve and tolerant has cost me a lot in my thirty-plus years of living.” She bit down on her anger and glanced toward the ocean.
“Is it something I can help with?” He sounded extremely concerned, but she refused to bring him down into the trenches of her parents’ disease.
“Just something I need to learn to live with.” She drew a breath and let it out slowly as the spinning slowly came to a stop.
“But you don’t have to live with it alone, whatever it is.” His eyes connected with hers, and for the first time in eighteen years, she felt encouraged. Not about her parents’ alcoholism, but about how she might handle it.
“But it’s a lot for others to have to listen to, Josh.” She shook her head, unable to believe how much lighter she was already feeling, and she hadn’t even told him anything.
“Not when they care about you.” He moved his hand across the table and clasped hers.
“Josh, you make it sound so simple and—”
“I always wanted to be the person to pick you up, and you didn’t give me that opportunity,” he interrupted. “Let me have that chance now. Let me carry some of the burden and lighten the load.”
His words swam around her heart, making her feel like the teenage girl who had fallen for her Prince Charming. She sat staring at Joshua Turner and wondered why she ever left.
But she knew.
Hailee knew exactly why she left, but Emilia was good at forgetting.
“My parents started drinking again.” A scowl remained on her expression as she continued. She had to shake the feelings for Josh that were smacking into her like a tidal wave. She didn’t realize how much she craved kindness. “No surprise there.”
Josh nodded. “Well, you always hope for the best.”
“But I don’t think it’s only drinking.” She took her hand away from Josh’s.
Josh’s eyes locked on hers. “There are lots of options out there.”
“They needed to borrow some money from me a while ago, and I gave it to them, and then they just asked for more, and I’m guessing that’s what tonight’s text is about too. It’s a substantial amount, Josh. I can’t imagine where it’s going.”
He nodded, and she noticed his jaw clench tighter.
Always the protector.
And she hated that she liked that about him.
“It’s not like I want to see my parents out on the street, but I don’t want to enable them either.” She let out an exhausted sigh. “And they somehow knew about my advance, and I can guarantee you I didn’t mention it.”
Josh bit his lip and nodded. “Our house always sends out a press release on big deals. They might have seen it online or something. We never release exact numbers, but the deal category it falls into is released. They could look it up and get a vague idea.”
Anger nipped at Emilia, but it wasn’t at Josh. It was his company and his right to release the information he wanted. The fury was directed at her parents.
“No wonder they think I’m an ATM now.”
Josh shook his head, clasping his hands together. “Look, Hailee…I’m so sorry. I never would have had my PR department release that info had I realized your parents were back in your life.”
“There was no way for you to have known. It’s not your mess. You didn’t create it.”
“And neither did you, Hailee. You’re not responsible for the actions of your parents.”
“At times, it feels as if I am. Or someone ought to be.”
“Don’t put that onus on yourself.” Josh shook his head. “They’re not your liability.”
“Well, for the last eighteen years, probably more, if I were honest, I wanted them back in my life, and now that they’re here, I don’t know what to do with them.”
Josh nodded but didn’t say anything. He just listened, his eyes taking her in as she spoke.
“The last few times I heard from my mom, her words were slurred, her sentences not forming correctly. I could hear my dad in the background sounding in as good of shape as my mom. It’s just so infuriating.”
“It would be.”
“But you’re somehow making it better.” She felt a sudden shift once she spoke those words, and her entire body reacted to how he looked at her.
His expression turned veiled as his speculative gaze sent an unexpected thrill through Emilia. She was suddenly feeling brighter as he continued to watch her.
Feeling wanted felt good, but she refused to concede that she wanted to sleep with him.
Emilia was above all that needy mess of psychobabble about trauma, need, want, and desire. Emilia knew she wouldn’t fall prey to the hodgepodge of emotions running through her. Sleeping with him tonight wouldn’t fix anything.
It would only complicate things.
The server took their plates as the sun was setting in the distance, and Emilia remained trapped in all her thoughts.
“I guess I missed my flight.” She turned her gaze back to his.
“It seems that way.” His hand slid over to hers again, and her skin heated where he touched her. He circled his thumb on the soft spot of her palm, and her thoughts started to jumble.
She was tired of attempting to outrun something that always caught up with her. For once, she wanted to be reminded what it was like to live in the moment, in the present.
“Would you mind if we went up to your room?” She was shocked the words came out of her mouth. She wasn’t even sure she knew what she meant by them.
Josh didn’t say a word. He only nodded and motioned for the bill.
By the time they made it up to his room, her hands were trembling. Not from fear, but from exhilaration and anticipation. They hadn’t even shared a kiss since Josh had wound up back in her life, yet she very well knew that she was willing to sleep with him.
Josh opened the door to his room, and she drew a deep breath. He gently touched the small of her back and led her into his suite. She took in the beautiful space and the view of the ocean. A large balcony ran the length of the room, and he walked over to open the French doors.
Even though it was evening and almost dark, the view was spectacular, and the warm breeze swept into the room, caressing her exposed skin.
Josh turned around slowly and his eyes locked on hers. The silhouette of the man he’d become made her mind spin to deliriously delicious places. She imagined her hands running along his bare chest and his fingers trailing along her belly. Emilia knew he was thinking similar thoughts as he motioned for her to join him near the balcony.
Emilia smiled and walked over to Josh, who brought her slowly into his arms.
“You’re absolutely beautiful, Emilia,” he whispered.
She was stunned. “You finally called me Emilia?”
“I’m sure you have a good reason, and I hope someday, you’ll tell me what it is.”
She moved closer, narrowing the minuscule gap between them. Feeling Josh’s hard body up against hers took her breath away, and she wanted to explore so much more.
“I think you’ve grown,” she murmured, not realizing what that sounded like.
Josh laughed and pulled her in tighter as she rested her head on his chest, just taking in what it felt like to be held by someone who genuinely cared.
“Emilia.” His voice was husky and full of desire. “You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”
She laughed, and her eyes connected with his. “You can call me Hailee, and I want to be with you more than anything.”
Josh’s eyes darkened with heated desire, and she smiled, knowing her world would never be the same.
“I’ve wanted you since the moment I found you.” His lips pressed down against hers.
His kisses started out sweet and soft. But as her hands ran underneath his shirt, the gentleness turned demanding as they both shared eighteen years of pent-up desire. It was as if all the imagined encounters and run-ins created a world of complete perfection as their bodies hurried to become one.
Josh knew exactly where to put his hands as they ran down her belly, how to kiss with the ability to make her want so much more and the experience that only this many years between them could bring, delighting her senses while his mouth slid along her neck. His mouth broke free, and he pulled her top over her head.
A shiver ran through her as her eyes connected with his.
Hailee tangled her fingers in his hair as he relearned the new curves of her womanly body. His hands ran over her breasts as his tongue trailed behind. She slid her fingers to the buttons on his shirt as his mouth came back to hers. Within seconds, he helped her remove his shirt, and they both hastily stepped out of their pants as if they were back in high school and had insufficient time on their hands.
He scooped her back in his arms, and she brought her mouth back to his, tasting the sweetness of his lips.
“Josh,” she whispered as his fingers skated up her thighs, finding the lace separating them.
He slowly worked his way underneath, and she let out a moan as his hands expertly moved in a rhythm she’d never experienced before. As she moaned his name again, he worked faster and brought her back to him.
Hailee was left wanting so much more as his hands slid away from the lace. Her eyes met his, and she could see the same hunger and desire in him that was churning in her. All these years lost, and she felt more connected to him tonight than she ever had.
Josh picked her up and carried her to the bed, laying her gently on the sheets. His gaze roamed over her bare body, and she felt her nipples grow taut and all parts of her ache to be touched, to have him inside her.
Hailee reached up for Josh and traced her fingers down his chiseled abdomen, feeling the dips and peaks of his muscular build when their eyes connected.
“I’ve never stopped loving you, Hailee.”
She smiled and felt the words coat over her as she looped her arms around his waist and pulled him toward her.
“I’ve never stopped loving you, Josh Turner,” she whispered next to his ear as she moved her hips into him.
Josh’s hands expertly slid to her small, naked hips and pulled her into him as he pushed deep into her. She’d never felt so much all at once and moaned in ecstasy as his body moved in and out.
There was so much familiarity being in Josh’s arms. She felt like she was at home in his embrace as they shared what each other had to offer.
As her body tightened and she wrapped her legs around his waist, he called her name, and she never loved hearing ‘Hailee’ more as her world exploded into an ecstasy she didn’t believe possible. It was nearly impossible to catch her breath as he slipped out of her and she turned on her side. His muscular arms draped over her as he pulled her into him and whispered her name again.
“I love you, Hailee.” His fingers ran down her bare belly, and all the desire roared to life once more, but she suddenly felt like an intruder in her own life, and she knew what she had to do.