“Really?” is all I have to say to AJ as he walks through the alarmed door in the Sheriff’s office.
“I can explain,” he mutters. His usual happy-go-lucky grin isn’t plastered across his face and his eyes are half-lidded. Actually, he’s got a black eye. AJ is a lot of things, but he isn’t a fighter, so this surprises me a bit and I ease back on some of my anger.
“What the hell happened to you?” I ask him quietly.
He avoids my question as he turns to the security window. An officer hands him a small pile of belongings and AJ turns around, still avoiding me while he heads for the main door.
As we make it out to the car, the silence becomes alarming. He can’t find one word to explain how he managed to get himself arrested tonight? “Unlock the door,” he says.
“Not until you tell me what happened.”
“Alexa happened,” he growls, pressing his thumb into his bottom lip, which I now see is split open. My God.
“Alexa did this to you?” I ask, sounding doubtful. That girl is by no means big enough to do the type of damage that has been done to him, so there has to be more to this story.
“No, she had the bouncer do this to me,” he says. With the little amount of information I have, I decide to cut him a break and unlock the truck doors. AJ slides in and slams the door behind him. Once I get in, his mouth starts moving. “I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I was talking to the bartender when Alexa came in. She said some shit to the bouncer and the next thing I knew, the asshole’s fist was in my mouth. Instinctively, I swung back. Once. That was all it took for the bar manager to call the cops. That’s why I’m here.”
“Look,” I say. “This is none of my business, but as your brother, I’ve been telling you this for years...that girl is no good for you. She never made you happy. You proposed to her because she threatened you. I don’t condone your cheating habits, but you need to do what’s right.”
“I was going to tell her when I got home, you know, that I want a divorce and shit, but I needed a little liquid confidence before I did that.”
“You need a place to crash?” AJ has more or less been living at my house or wherever I have lived since Ellie died. He sleeps at home, but the rest of the time, he’s with me. I do give him credit for putting up with Alexa for as long as he has, but I’m pretty sure there’s no good that will come out of him being under the same roof as her right now.
“Yeah, I do,” he confirms, settling his weight against the back of the seat.
It’s only a few-minute ride before we pull into the driveway. I hop out and head across the street to grab Olive. There is definitely no ‘whatever’ happening here tonight, especially with AJ on my heels.
I open the door and let myself in. I guess we’ve gotten to the point where knocking isn’t completely necessary. Actually, I don’t remember the last time Charlotte knocked on my door. It’s almost like we’re in a relationship that doesn’t involve the normal parts of a relationship. I’ve made this weird and she has gladly put up with it. It suddenly occurs to me that she has actually put up with quite a bit from me. I’ve been so caught up in my guilt over cheating on Ellie that I haven’t appreciated Charlotte for accepting me with all my baggage, for being a friend without asking for more than I can give. I need to change that...to let her know how much I appreciate her...how I feel about her.
How do I feel about her? My thoughts are all over the place and change by the minute. It’s not fair to do that to her.
“Olive fell asleep about twenty minutes ago,” Charlotte informs me as she perks up from the couch. “If you want to leave her, I can bring her home in time for you to get her ready for school in the morning.” Charlotte’s voice is less charismatic than usual. Although I can’t pinpoint the emotion I hear, I actually think she sounds annoyed.
“Can you give us a minute?” I ask AJ.
“Thanks for watching Olive,” AJ says to Charlotte. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” AJ slips back out the door, carefully closing it behind him so it doesn’t make a sound.
“Charlotte,” I begin.
“It’s fine, really. Family comes first,” she says coolly as she takes the throw blanket from the couch and slowly folds it in half. “I feel like there’s a part of you missing from whatever it is we’re doing, anyway.” Her focus doesn’t leave the blanket. She can’t look at me when she says this, which I can’t understand. Did I miss something? How’d we go from planning “whatever” to the cold shoulder in a matter of hours?
“Because I went to bail AJ out of jail?”
“No,” she sighs. “That’s not why.”
“What is it then? Am I shitty kisser or what? Because we haven’t exactly proven any other way for me to not be ‘all in’.” I know exactly what she means, but I thought I was hiding it a little better than I am. Guess not.
“Uh, no.” She laughs and her cheeks burn with a red tinge. “You’re an incredible kisser, probably the best I’ve ever...like ever...experienced, but I feel like I’m stealing you away from something else, like your heart isn’t completely available...if that makes sense.”
“What have I done to make you think that?” What haven’t I done to make her think that?
“We all have secrets, Hunter. I get that and I would never expect you to open up after only knowing me for a few months, but while I understand, I also can’t help wondering what you aren’t telling me for other reasons.” I wish I knew what she was referring to. What secrets do I have? I feel like I’ve been more of an open book with her than I’ve been with anyone else in the last five years.
“I don’t know what secrets you’re referring to,” I say, and I’m being honest.
“Great, well, we’re at a place now where I need to know what your plans are. If you need a fuck buddy, just say it. If you want to be friends, that’s cool, too. I guess you’ve just sent me on a whirlwind with your mixed messages today when you kissed me. You already know how I feel about you, Hunter, but despite some sweet words you have nicely offered to me, I don’t know what is going through your head and I don’t know how long I can pretend to be okay with it.” I’m totally baffled by the change in her attitude, and this is the last thing I need right now.
“Well, that makes two of us!” My voice rises louder than I intended but fury is bubbling in my stomach and this is the exact reason why I’ve avoided getting too close to anyone over the past few years. “I didn’t realize you needed to put a label on us or whatever we’re doing, especially since we haven’t really done anything, but if you want to put a label on us, then go ahead and slap a big fat ‘friends’ one on.”
“I think it’s time for you to leave,” she says in almost a whisper.
“Daddy?” Olive tiptoes down the steps one by one as she rubs at her eyes. “Are we going home?”
“Let’s go, princess,” I say, squatting down to lift her up.
“Will you tell Lana I’ll see her at school tomorrow?” Olive mutters to Charlotte.
“You got it, kiddo,” she says in return. With a smile for Olive, her lips curl into a grimace as she looks over at me. “Now.” Her finger is pointed at the door and it’s enough of a gesture to make me want to walk out and never walk back inside. It’s just unfortunate that our little girls are as close as they are.
What the hell just happened? Did I say something wrong when I dropped Olive off? If she isn’t pissed about me bailing AJ out, which would be ridiculous, what is it?
As we walk in through the front door of our house, AJ immediately snatches Olive up. “Boy do I have a story for you, Ollie-Lolly.” He starts up the stairs with her and her arms tighten around his neck.
“G-rated, please,” I yell up the stairs.
Alone and pissed, I kick my boots off, letting each one thud against the wall. What the fuck am I doing? I drop down into the chair beneath Ellie’s picture and let my head fall backwards until I’m looking up at her. “You must be so disgusted with my behavior,” I tell her. “Since you’re probably already rolling over in your grave, I might as well finish the night off.” I get up and walk through the kitchen, whipping the top cabinet above the fridge open to retrieve my bottle of Jack—the bottle I sometimes flirt with after Olive goes to bed.
“Grab a glass for me,” AJ says, walking in behind me. I was going to drink straight out of the bottle, but I guess a glass means I have someone to drink with—that at least sounds better than drinking alone. I grab two glasses and fill them halfway, leaving the Jack out in case there is a need for seconds.
“You aren’t drinking because of me, are you?” AJ asks.
“Nope,” I say, pressing the rim of the glass up against my lips.
“Is it about the letter I found on your coffee table?” Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I tip the glass a little higher, letting the liquid burn down my throat at a pretty impressive rate. “Or is it about Charlotte? Or maybe, it’s about the woman at the gardens.” How? Just how? “Dad filled me in. Dude...how many chicks do you have? Here I thought you were impotent and you’re banging three of them?”
“Not quite,” I say, finishing the whiskey in my glass.
AJ grabs the bottle and walks out into the living room. “Let’s hear it.”
At some point tonight the hour hand on the clock turned from eight to two and I can already feel the hangover I’m going to sustain tomorrow...or today...in three hours when I have to get Olive up for school. I just hope I’m sober by then. AJ is slurring his words, bitching about Alexa, and I’m staring across the room at Ellie’s portrait. “We’re both...pathetic fucks,” I tell him.
“You’re more pathetic than I am,” AJ says. “Your wife has been dead for five years and you’re still staring at her picture like she’s going to start responding to you at some point.” His words would normally cause my rage to fire up, but since he’s already had the shit beat out of him in the past twenty-four hours, he’s been drinking, and there’s a little validity to what he’s saying, I’ll let it go this time. Only this time.
“You need to talk to this chick in the gardens some more,” AJ says. “And you need to make up with Charlotte. Wait, didn’t you fix things with her earlier today?” He takes another swig.
“I thought so,” I groan. “Dude, I’m so fucking confused. I have real feelings for Charlotte…I do. I want to be with her, more than just this stupid friend-shit. I’m always looking forward to the next time I see her and I’m always thinking of reasons to call her at night. That means something, right?” I consider my drunken truths for a minute, realizing I’m running away from what I want because of the amount of unanswered questions in my life. “But then I’m like...what about the chick behind the letters? I want to find Ellie’s heart, too. I don’t think Charlotte will understand that.” Never mind the woman from the gardens. I’ll probably never see her again anyway.
“I can see your problem,” AJ says. “Oh my God, Hunt, what if—what if the letters are from Ellie’s ghost?” AJ says, closing his eyes. “You know what, no—“ He wags his finger at me for a long minute. “No, you know what dude? You’re my brother, my blood, my blood brother, you know—“ His breaths elongate as if he’s about to fall asleep. “So, I’m going to help you. Plus, you bailed me out tonight, you’re letting me crash here, and you’ve been a pretty damn good brother. I’ll help you, Hunt. I’ll help you find this mystery girl of yours.”
“Thanks, man,” I say, feeling the heaviness in my eyelids begin to take over as well.
“What if?” AJ says, pulling me from my almost tranquil place. “What if you already know this letter-writing woman? Could you imagine?”
“You just told me she could be a ghost,” I remind him. “But I don’t think that’s the case. The way the woman talks in her letters is almost like she isn’t from this area. She talks about mountains and shit. We don’t have mountains here.”
“Maybe she was on vacation?” AJ says, surprisingly insightful for his inebriated state.
“Maybe.” My eyelids win the battle, pulling me into a heavy fog, a comfortable heavy fog, a place that is far away from every puzzle piece in my life, leaving me alone with visions of Ellie and the life we were supposed to still be sharing. Is it a problem that I haven’t moved on from my dead wife? Is there a rule that says widowers are only allowed a year to grieve before they need to collect themselves and act like normal human beings again? I know it has been five years, but I love her still, as much today as I did then and I don’t know what to do with that.
The amount of times I hear Ellie’s voice in my head telling me to let her go, makes me wonder if that’s her trying to tell me something or if it is my stupid subconscious’ attempt to get me to man up and move on. I can’t even trust my own brain to tell me what’s right.