- DECEMBER 26th -
I climb into bed with Olive, wrapping my arm around her, embracing the warmness her body offers. Her curls are splayed across her pillow in a knotted mess and her cheeks are the perfect shade of pink. It is her birthday, but she is my gift. Seven years, this little girl and I have made it. Seven years. “Happy Birthday, Ollie,” I whisper into her ear.
She whips her head, turning over onto her side to face me, leaving me with a face and mouthful of hair. “It’s my birthday,” she croaks. “I feel so old today.” With quiet laughter, she drags herself up against the headboard, pulling the blankets up to her waist. “Ready?”
I smile and stand up to open the blinds. “Now I’m ready,” I tell her.
“Happy Birth Day to you,” she begins in her soft voice that mimics a soothing lullaby. I join in with her as we continue, “Happy Birth Day to you. Happy Birth Day, dear Mommy, Happy Birth Day to you.”
I make it through our yearly tradition without tears this year but only because the happiness pouring from Olive’s eyes right now makes it impossible to feel sadness.
“My turn,” I tell her.
“Happy Birthday, to you,” I sing all the way through. I lean over the side of the bed and pull out her gift, placing it gently on her blanket- covered lap.
“What is it?” she asks, clapping her hands while bouncing up and down.
“Open it, silly.”
Olive tears apart the wrapping paper, revealing the box portion of the gift. “You got me Lucky Charms?” she asks with a goofy smile, like she’s unsure if I would really give her something like this for her birthday or if it is a trick. I’ve never questioned her wit but she would never do anything to hurt my feelings, either.
“Maybe there’s a lucky charm in the box?” I tell her.
She shakes the box around a little and pulls apart the tabs on the top. Peeking inside first, she then reaches her arm down into the opening, which swallows her arm up to her shoulder. Her hand fishes around for a minute before she pulls it back out holding Ellie’s bracelet with three little charms on it. One represents Olive, one for me, and one for Ellie. “It’s so pretty,” she says, slipping it onto her wrist.
“It was your mom’s. I gave this to her when we found out you were going to be a part of our lives. I know it’s a little big, but I want you to have it.”
“This is the best birthday gift I’ve ever gotten,” she says through only her breath, admiring it. “I love it so much.”
“I also got you something else, but I didn’t want to bring it upstairs.” I have a tendency to go overboard with Olive’s birthday, especially with Christmas the day before, but a part of me has always felt like I have to in order to make sure the day is only filled with good memories.
“You did?” she shrieks, ripping the covers off.
Running out of her bedroom and into the hallway, I hear another loud scream of excitement followed by words bubbling from her mouth so loudly that they make no sense. I follow her out into the hall, seeing Charlotte and Lana at the bottom of the steps holding Jasmine, our new puppy.
Surprisingly, Olive makes it down the steps without falling and slows her speed just before reaching her hand out for the little four-pound powder-puff. “What’s its name?” she asks.
“Jasmine,” I tell her, walking down the steps.
“Like mom’s favorite flower?” she asks.
“Yes,” I grin.
Charlotte is beaming as she lovingly watches Olive talk to the puppy under her breath.
“You girls play with the puppy and I’m going to finish up breakfast so we can take it to Ari,” Charlotte says as she steps out of the front door, giving me a quick wave as she jogs across the street and into her house. I thought she had started cooking here but maybe she’s not done getting ready. I did wake her up early, seeing as our Christmas family dinner went until midnight last night.
I take the opportunity to straighten up a bit more but I only get as far as unloading the dishwasher when the front door opens. “It’s just me,” AJ shouts from the door. “It’s birthday girl time!”
“Hey sweetie, Happy Birthday,” Tori, AJ’s new girlfriend says to Olive. I like Tori. We just met her for the first time a few weeks ago since AJ kept this relationship under his hat for almost three months, which is very unlike him. I get the sense he did it because things were actually going well and he was probably scared to mess it up in any way. Plus, Olive, with her little trade secrets, is not always helpful. She has enough dirt on AJ to destroy any and every future relationship.
After finishing up in the kitchen, I hear Charlotte return. “All set!” she calls out. “Let’s get going!”
We pile into Charlotte’s SUV and drive the four miles down to Brookside Hospital. Ari is expecting us today since she was excited to see Olive on her birthday, which also happens to be the very same day she was given a second chance at life—a short second chance, but a reason for celebration nonetheless.
Charlotte grips my hand in the elevator, squeezing it tightly. Neither of us likes being in this hospital. Too many people know Charlotte and of her failed marriage to a man who could have buried this places with his unlawful actions; and for me, the smell alone is like sarin gas attacking all of my senses.
We reach the nurses’ station on the tenth floor and I wait for one of the nurses to greet me so we can check in. “Hey guys,” one of the nurses says. “Right on time. She just woke up.”
“Great, thank you!” I say, ushering Olive and Lana ahead.
“Mr. Cole,” the nurse says gently, which grabs only my attention as the others are already walking down the hall. “It’s getting close. I might keep the visit on the shorter side today.”
I clench my jaw, feeling the familiar burn of tears behind my eyes. This is what Ari didn’t want me to go through. These words, while foreign, feel way too damn familiar. “Thanks,” I tell her.
I meet up with Charlotte, AJ, Tori, and the girls as we continue down the hall. “What was that all about?” AJ asks.
All I can do is give him a look, a look that should say it all without speaking out loud. I’ve run through my options of either keeping this from Olive or being honest with her. I’ve debated about whether or not to allow her to see the sight of Ari’s declining condition, but Olive and her sixth sense knew something was wrong without me having to tell her. Her words to me were: “We should be there for Ari like we’re her family. That’s what mommy would want for her heart.” Hearing Olive say that made my decision a little easier. She brings happiness to Ari, and Ari has a very special place in Olive’s heart—a connection she may never understand.
AJ clears his throat as he comprehends my look and squeezes Tori’s hand a little tighter. Charlotte, who must have noticed the look I gave AJ, reaches back for me and takes my hand within hers.
As we approach Ari’s room, I squeeze Charlotte’s hand a little tighter. It has only been a week but her skin is considerably paler than it was last time and her cheekbones are more prominent. The darkness of her hair washes out her eyes and she looks like...she’s dying. She has looked like she’s dying for weeks now but today, I’m not sure if there will be time for another visit.
“Hey,” she says weakly, forcing as much excitement through her broken voice as she can. “How’s the little birthday girl?”
Olive, fearless as always, climbs right up onto her bed and snuggles under her arm. “I feel so old today,” Olive says again. “Can you believe I’m seven? That’s like,” she pops her fingers up as if she were counting. “Three years away from being ten. I mean, I’ll be driving soon, which is good since I’ll be able to come visit you whenever I want.” And just like that, every ounce of understanding I thought Olive had brings me back to the realization that she is only seven and might not grasp this situation as much as I thought.
Ari struggles to lift her arm and runs her fingers through Olive’s hair. “Do you know how happy I am that I met you?” Ari says to her.
“Yeah, I’m pretty cool,” Olive jokes.
“I have something for you,” Ari says, reaching over to take a small gift off of her nightstand.
“What is it?” Olive asks, her eyes wide and full of excitement.
Ari offers a weak smile and watches as Olive tears open the gift. She opens the box and pulls out an old-fashioned, large, fat gold key. I’m wondering what it’s for but I’m sure Ari has a reason. “This is really cool,” Olive says, admiring both sides of it. “Where does it go?”
“Some day, your dad is going to show you, but right now it’s a secret. So for now, I need you to hang on to the key and keep it safe because you are the only one who is allowed to hold it.”
“Is it magic?” she asks, totally enamored by Ari’s explanation.
“Definitely,” Ari says through a struggling laugh. “It brings people together and keeps them surrounded by love for all eternity.”
Olive throws her arms around Ari’s neck and kisses her cheek.
I’m looking at Ari with question, wondering if she’ll let me in on the magical explanation of the key since I know Olive will be asking me what it unlocks until the day I die.
“You’ll see,” Ari mouths to me.
Thirty minutes filled with corny “you’re dying” jokes, cake, and sympathetic looks come and go, and now Charlotte is suggesting that we let Ari rest. She collects the girls, and AJ and Tori follow them out the door after a slew of goodbyes, leaving me standing here staring at Ari.
With just the two of us in the room, I can’t help but allow the pain to re-enter my chest. I can sit here and try to believe she’s not dying and I’m not actually looking at a person deteriorating by the second, but I can’t lie to myself.
Ari’s slim smile reappears across her dry lips. “This is it, isn’t it?” I ask.
“You never know,” she sighs. “A miracle might happen.” I can only assume that she’s trying to convince herself, but just as I can’t lie to myself, I can assume it’s the same for her.
Tears fill her foggy eyes and she looks through me as if I were a window. The unbreakable demeanor everyone thinks she has is shattered into millions of pieces right now and this time, there’s no way to put them back together. It’s the first time I’ve seen her face shadowed by fear, accompanying the sorrow and sadness. “I guess I can say I’m dying of a broken heart now.”
Her statement is not funny; it’s hurtful. I don’t know if her words have a double entendre but there is guilt brewing within me like I should have done something different—I’m just not sure what that would have been.
“I thought Ellie’s heart would survive a longer measure of time when I met you,” I tell her.
“Our hearts determine our paths, the distances we’ll go, the direction, and the length of our stay,” she says.
She reaches for me and I take the couple of steps over to her bedside, giving her my hand. She places it on her chest, over her heart. I feel the rhythm below my palm and the thick scar lining her nearly bare chest. The beat is slower than I remember from the last time I placed my hand on her chest, which was months ago. “I’m sorry,” I tell her.
“We both know this is Ellie’s heart, and we both know this is why you and I are connected, but what you have failed to realize is that sometimes our hearts walk around on the outside of our bodies.”
I feel my forehead crinkle and strain as I let my head fall slightly to the side, waiting for clarification. “What do you mean?”
“Olive is Ellie’s true heart,” she explains. “Olive is a part of Ellie. She will go on to have kids of her own, who will have kids of their own, and Ellie’s heart will go on for infinity. Olive is Ellie’s heart. She has a heart made of time that will forever live on.”
Her words are like hands reaching into my chest to wring the pain out of my heart. All of these years I have been chasing Ellie’s last remaining organ when all along, a part of her was left with me for my forever. “I get it,” I tell her.
“Hunter,” she says, closing her eyes for a long blink. “I love you for being a part of my life and I love you for sticking by my side when I told you not to.”
“I love—“
“Don’t,” she says. “I don’t need to hear it. I don’t want to hear it. You didn’t have the chance to fall in love with me. I didn’t give you a chance and I’m glad I didn’t because I’m not the one for you.”
“Then how can you say you love me?” I ask.
“When time is borrowed, you live fast, you love hard, and you put everything on the line knowing that tomorrow you might wake up with nothing— or you might not wake up at all.”
“I see,” I say, pushing a strand of hair out of her face. “Ari. Thank you for caring for her heart, protecting it, and for treating it like it was a gift. Your letters kept me going through those years—like really kept me going, knowing how lucky Ellie’s heart was.”
“Boy, it sounds like you’re saying goodbye,” she says, taking my hand and curling her fingers around mine while her gaze burns into me. “I don’t care how long you stand here. I’m not dying in front of you.” We both laugh and she releases my hand. “Go on so I can die in peace.”
My jaw aches from grinding my teeth so hard, trying to prevent any hint of emotion. I have to be strong for her, at least as strong as she’s being while saying goodbye to me. “Ari—”
“Say it, Hunter,” she says, her voice a little weaker this time.
I pull in a thick, shallow, gulp of air and allow the words to float from my mouth into what seems like oblivion. “Goodbye, Ari.”
I listen to the struggle of her breath as she presses her head firmly into her pillow, gently closing her eyes. I remain standing beside her bed, watching her, intently, waiting for I’m not sure what.
“I’m still not going to die in front of you,” she whispers through slightly parted lips.
I close my eyes, releasing my weighted breath as I let go of her hand. Flashing a quick wave that she doesn’t see, I turn and exit the room. Knowing I’m never going to see her again isn’t easy to comprehend or wrap my head around. A heart-stopping period has been placed at the end of this chapter of my life.