Chapter Ten
I put on a sweater and head into the cooler. I figure I'm going to get this part out of the way first and then count what's in the store room later, and give myself a chance to thaw out. I'm nothing, if not practical.
Clipboard in hand, I step into the cooler and start counting. It's cold as hell and my breath is coming out in steamy plumes, but I'm going to suffer through it. Even though it seems to make her deliriously happy, I can't let Brooke do everything around here.
Counting inventory is a tedious and monotonous task – one that I don't really need to have my brain fully engaged in. Which, of course, gives my brain plenty of time and space to wander off.
My brain immediately shifts to the conversation I'd had with Dana at the coffee house. About the mental and emotional block inside of me – or as she so colorfully put it, my orgasmic constipation.
And of course, as I replay the conversation over and over again, my mind immediately goes to – him.
There is hardly a day that goes by that I don't think of him in some form or fashion. It took me some years, but I finally managed to take away the sting and hurt his memory always wrought inside of me. For the most part, anyway.
I know that after all this time, bearing even the slightest sting is probably silly. Most people would have probably gotten over it and moved on by now. And for the most part, I have gotten over it and moved on. But I'd be lying if I said there wasn't still a hole in my heart because of him.
He was my first love. The first man who ever made me feel whole and complete. The man I really thought I'd be spending the rest of my life with. Most people would say I'm ridiculous for actually believing that. Young love never lasts, they'd say. They'd tell me that your first love is usually not the love you end up growing old with.
But they didn't know us. They didn't know our feelings. Our thoughts. They didn't know our bond. We weren't like other young, immature couples when it came to love. There was a connection between us that was deep and abiding. It was the kind of intense, passionate connection that usually only couples who'd been together forever talked about. There was something about the love we shared that wasn't the normal, angst-filled infatuation of teenagers. When we talked about being together forever, we'd meant it.
And then he was gone. Like a ghost. Like he'd never been.
And I was left to pick up the shattered pieces of my heart and my life, wondering what I'd done to drive him off. To make him disappear from my life without a reason, without so much as a goodbye. Why he'd chosen to sever that connection between us so thoughtlessly. So cruelly.
That bond had been so intense and so real, that when he took it away – the way he took it away – I felt myself break. The hole inside of me was more immense than the Grand Canyon. For so long, I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. It seemed like all I could do was sit in a dark room and cry.
As ridiculous as it seems to me now, there were more than a few occasions when I thought about ending my life. I'd gone so far as to steal a bottle of sleeping pills from my mom with the intention of climbing into a warm bath and taking all of them.
But, I obviously hadn't. As painful as life was, I realized that I didn't want to die. But I knew that if I wanted to live, I was going to need to find ways to cope with the hurt and the loss I was feeling. Find ways to overcome my grief and depression. I knew that I was going to have to find a new way to live all over again.
In a way, he was why I'd become a therapist. In seeking to find answers for myself and ways to put my heart back together, I'd come to love the field. I'd come to want to help others in crisis, as I had been. As others had helped me.
As I sit there and think about it, I begin to piece a few things together in a way I hadn't before. This blockage within me – this orgasmic constipation as Dana so eloquently calls it – could it be because of him? Could he be the source of this holding pattern Dana believes I'm in? Because of the feelings still within me?
Of course, the problem went well beyond not being able to orgasm with a man. It was that I could never let myself fully commit to somebody. I could never give myself over to somebody entirely – heart, body, and mind. Dana was right about me always having one foot out the door in any relationship I'm in. I don't mean to and I really do try to commit myself to them. Sometimes, I've even managed to fool myself into thinking that I had.
But then, reality always sets in and I find myself listless and treading water again. It never fails. I know it's not fair to them. Hell, it's not fair to myself. But, it is what it is. That's where I'm at right now. Deep down, I know myself well enough to know I haven't gotten all the way beyond him. Not even after all these years. But I also know that I've found ways to cope. To deal with it.
Once upon a time, whenever the mere thought of him crossed my mind, it was enough to reduce me to a puddle of heartbroken tears. Now though, there are days when there is still a dull ache in the very center of me – but those have become increasingly rare.
Thankfully.
“How's the inventory going?”
Brooke's voice cut into my thoughts and gives me a start. My pulse quickens and I spin around quickly.
“Sorry,” she says. “Didn't mean to startle you.
I shake my head. “No, sorry,” I reply. “Just lost in my head. I didn't hear you come in. Inventory's good. Just about done.”
I quickly count the last couple of cases and jot it down on the clipboard and hand it over to my sister. She glances at it and nods – and I get the impression that she already knew what she needed to order and was simply giving me some busywork to appease me. But, that's fine.
“Great, thanks,” she says. “Listen, there's really not a whole lot to do here. Rhonda's super-efficient and kind of didn't leave much for you to do. And we close in a couple of hours anyway, so you can go ahead and knock off if you want.”
I look at my watch. “Wow, after a whole hour, huh? I think you're working me too hard, boss.”
Brooke giggles. “Shut up,” she says. “I'm sorry, I know we both own this place and I've just kind of taken over everything here –”
I shake my head and cut her off. “No, Brooke,” I say. “I'm actually really happy to see that you've just kind of – flourished here. I mean, before I left for school, I was kind of worried about you. About your future.”
“Yeah, I didn't take a whole lot very seriously back then.”
“But now – look at you,” I say. “You've really turned things around and have gotten yourself together. You've really blossomed, Brooke.”
Her cheeks turn a bright shade of scarlet and she looks away quickly. We're a lot alike in that we don't take compliments or praise very well. But knowing that we're a lot alike, I know that deep down, it pleases her immensely.
“Mom and Dad would be really proud of you, sis,” I say. “Really, really proud.”
She looks at me and her eyes are shiny with tears. Stepping forward quickly, she pulls me into a tight embrace, so I squeeze her back. After a moment, she steps back, wiping her eyes as she tries to gather herself.
“Thanks, Abby,” she says after a moment. “That means a lot.”
I reach out and give her hand a gentle squeeze. We stand together in a silence that's a little bit awkward, but full of emotion.
“Well,” I say. “I guess I'm going to take off then.”
She nods. “Sounds good.”
“Call me,” I say. “If you can squeeze me in, let's have dinner soon.”
“Definitely,” she replies. “There's a new sushi place that opened up and I'm dying to try it.”
That's just another of the many changes in my sister. I remember a time when she would have rather died than try sushi. She used to say that she'd rather eat warm cat vomit than raw fish. It was a stance she refused to budge on even after I explained that not all sushi was made up of raw fish.
Just another example of my little sister growing and maturing.
“Oh hey,” she said. “Are you going to Rick's funeral on Saturday?”
I shrug. “I don't know,” I say. “It's not like we were good friends or anything. We didn't run in the same circles. I feel like I might be intruding if I show up.”
“It might be weird if you don't show up,” she says. “Maybe you weren't good friends, but you were still friends.”
“Rick was friends with everybody in town,” I say. “I really doubt my attendance is going to be noticed one way or the other.”
She shrugs. “Sheridan Falls may be growing, but we're still a small town,” she says. “People notice things like this. You don't show up and that's when all the rumors start. You know how some of these old biddies are.”
That much was true. Sheridan Falls had almost doubled in size between the time I'd left and the time I'd come back. But it still retained that small-town feel. And one of the big features of small town life was everybody being in everybody else's business, gossip, rumors, and innuendo. It was entirely possible that if I didn't show up, one of the town gossips would conclude that I'd been having an affair with Rick and couldn't bear to be there at the same time as his wife.
Rumors don't need to be logical – or even accurate. They simply need ears to listen and mouths to pass it along. Which, some people were more than willing to do. But then, the other factor was that I didn't really care what people thought of me.
“I don't know,” I say. “I might.”