~~~~~
"Where are we going?" I ask as I climb in the truck.
"You'll see," he says looking over at me with a huge grin.
"Jeff, there's something we need to talk about."
"Well it will just have to wait," he says as we pull into the parking lot of Down South, a small local bar. My smile fades quickly and I clench my jaw as I look over at Jeff.
"I know, I know," he says, drawing in a deep breath. I sit there staring at him, waiting for an explanation. "Look, Jas, this is part of the surprise, I promised I wouldn't drink, and I won't," he says reaching for my hand, bringing it to his face, and lightly kissing my palm.
The excitement in his eyes grows as we walk to the door. I'm worried, worried that he is going to slip up and drink. The door swings open and I almost lose my mind. I catch a glimpse of Jared Wills, the lead singer of Searching Aces, sitting at a table near the front.
"Holy shit Jeff! H-h-how did you do this?" He just smiles and motions me to the table.
"Jeff," Jared says when we reach the table.
"Jared, it’s so good to see you.”
They shake hands and I'm in complete awe. A night of singing and dancing ensues and I'm feeling pretty great. Jeff kept his word and didn't have even a sip of alcohol.
The night winds down and we say our goodbyes before heading home. We reach the front door to the house and Jeff stops me. He pulls me tightly to him and kisses me. The passion in the kiss is so intense, I almost lose control of myself. I open my eyes for a moment and his dark eyes are boring into mine. I quickly pull away, breathless, and breathe in deeply to slow the strumming of my heart. "Jeff there is really something we need to talk about."
"Can't it wait until morning?” he asks pulling me close.
"No, it can’t wait," I stammer.
"What is it, baby?"
"Ummmm…well…Jeff I…ummmm…I'm
pregnant," I say watching the color leave his face.
"A baby?? We're going to have a baby?” he asks, excitement building in his voice.
"Yes, we are," I reply, unsure of how I feel.
~~~~~
The months fly by, and before I know it, I can no longer see my feet. This huge belly has made me unattractive to him and he makes a point to tell me every chance he gets. At sixteen weeks, we found out that the baby is a girl. That's what started the alienation started between us. He really wanted a boy. I didn't care as long as it was healthy, and each passing day brings me closer to meeting this miracle residing within me.
I wake up early on this rather cool May morning with a pain I have never felt before. I reach over, but his side of the bed is cold, so I drive myself to the hospital. His phone is going straight to voicemail and he isn't answering my texts. Frustrated and alone, I call his office and I’m told he hasn't been in the past two days. The pain of labor preoccupies me and Morgan has come to stay with me. After eight intense hours of tears and pain I am staring into the face of my perfect baby girl.
"What are you going to name her?” the midwife asks while checking her out.
"Madison Paige," I reply through the tears of joy that are now falling.
"Six pounds on the nose," she says while swaddling my little Madison in a blanket. She hands her to me and my heart falls in love all over again. "We have to take her to give her a bath, but I promise she'll be back in no time.” I nod and close my eyes in exhaustion.
The door is flung open revealing a disheveled looking Jeff. "Hey baby, have you had the baby yet?"
"Yes!" I hiss at him, biting my tongue so I don't cause a scene.
"Still a girl?” he asks, mirroring my hiss.
"Yes."
"Well damn, I was hoping a pecker would pop out." I'm looking at him with disgust on my face as the nurse and Morgan wheel her back in. Baby girl Grayson is written on the pink cardstock with her little footprints below. Jeff’s eyes grow wide when he sees her bright brown eyes and the long, dark fringe of lashes she has. "Olivia, we can name her Olivia. After my mother," he says.
"She already has a name," I scoff.
"You mean you named her without asking me?" His face is already growing red to match his bloodshot eyes.
"I've been here for almost ten hours and spent two of those trying to find you, asshole! I'll name her what I damn well want to seeing as up until now you have greatly expressed your disappointment in the baby being a girl." His face grows dark and he takes a step towards me as I hold my Maddy closer to me to, fear evident in my expression.
Morgan comes in at that moment. "Jasmine, is there a problem?" I shake my head, never taking my eyes off Jeff.
"Well can I at least hold her?” he asks. I nod hesitantly before handing her over. Morgan hovers around him with a look of irritation on her face. His phone begins to ring so he hands her back to me. "I gotta take this," he says turning to leave the room. Morgan comes and sits on the bed beside me.
"You know, you can be honest with me, right?"
I look at her and sigh deeply. "Everything will be fine," I reply, lying even to myself. Maddy begins to wiggle and whimper in my arms and I bring her forehead to my lips.
"Sounds like somebody is hungry," Morgan says with a giggle. I smile and place the bottle that Morgan has made into her mouth, the cute little cooing sounds she makes melting all my troubles away. After she falls asleep, I hand her to Morgan to go back to the nursery and close my eyes as the exhaustion takes over.
Later, the sun is filtering through the blinds, and I wake to find Jeff passed out in a chair. I shake my head and call for the nurse to bring Maddy to me. Jeff begins to stir when the door creaks open. "Jas, I'm sorry for being such an ass," he whispers coming over to sit by me on the bed. I nod, unable to find the right words to say. "I love you, you know that, and I love Madison too. She is absolutely beautiful, just like her mother." I smile at his words; the word beautiful hasn't been used to describe me in months.
~~~~~
The years have flown by and everything has been absolutely perfect since Jeff manned up and quit drinking. Lately things have been going so well he even encouraged me to invite my cousin, Vanessa, to visit. After almost five years, something still doesn't feel right, that's why I won't marry him. I can't place the problem, but it makes me uneasy.
A black Mercedes Benz pulls up, and even though I haven't laid eyes on her in a few years, the moment she steps out of the car it feels like we haven't been apart.
"Jas, oh my God, you’re looking so good,” she says, pulling me into her embrace.
"You look great too, Ness," I reply as I pull away. Standing there with her sends a small twinge of jealousy through me. Her blue eyes sparkle in the light, even under the cover of clouds, and her clear, tan skin is just unbelievable.
"I should have known she would be in a dress," I mutter to myself. She shakes her head at me with a smirk and her thick blonde hair blows in the cool breeze. Vanessa was always pretty, but boy has she bloomed into a voluptuous beauty.
"And this must be Maddy," she says kissing her on the cheek.
"Yep, this is my heart right here." She smiles and takes Maddy’s tiny hand in hers and Maddy buries her face in my hip.
"She looks just like you, even the sour expression you’ve perfected,” she replies with a smirk. "It sure is cold here, I thought Nevada was supposed to be sunny and hot," she says wrapping her sweater around her.
"It’s only March, it will start warming up soon," I reply leading her to the front door.
Jeff pulls up as we are heading inside. "I take it you're Vanessa," he says, stepping out of his truck, clearly trying to avert his eyes away from her chest.
"Yes, that’s me," she says with a giggle and tucks her hair behind her ear, coyly.
Jeff smiles and looks at me. "Umm...we better get all this stuff inside," he says taking her suitcase from her.
They walk in and I stand there in the doorway with my arms crossed, as Madison clings to the hem of my shirt. "Mommy, I don’t like that lady," she says wearing that familiar sour expression.
"Baby, don't be rude. I understand that you may not like her but keep those thoughts to yourself, okay?" She nods and smiles, hugging my waist. "Go play," I say ruffling her hair before she runs down the hall to her room. Drawing in a shallow breath, I shake my head and close the door behind me. No matter what I try to do, I can't shake the green-eyed monster within. The way they talk, the way they are shamelessly flirting, pisses me off.
"Jasmine, what's wrong?" Jeff asks, coming up behind me and rubbing my shoulders.
"Nothing," I reply, virtually through my teeth. He pulls me into him, hugging me tightly. I smile as his warmth encompasses me.
~~~~~
Rolling over in bed I realize I'm alone. The coldness of his side of the bed jars me to full consciousness. Getting up to use the restroom, I hear laughter coming from the front of the house. As I scamper my way down the hallway a thought crosses my mind, "No," I whisper to myself as I round the corner to the living room.
Jeff and Vanessa are sitting on the couch talking. The more I observe, the more I realize just how close they are. Jeff is sitting there in his pajama pants and shirtless, while Vanessa is in a shorts and tank top ensemble that leaves nothing to the imagination. Clearing my throat as I walk towards them, they both jump up.
"Sorry, I woke up and realized you weren't there. I thought something might be wrong but clearly it's not," I say turning to go back to bed.
I'm angry as I crawl back in bed, and every possible scenario plays out in my head, while I lay there staring into the darkness. The bedroom door creaks open and I turn over, facing the wall. Jeff climbs into bed and snuggles up to me. Laying there limp, I make no effort to reciprocate. He kisses my temple and pulls me closer.
"Jas," he whispers. I don't respond because if I do he will hear the hurt in my voice. "I love you," he says and kisses my cheek.
Laying there in the darkness, I listen to the slow rhythm of his breathing before sleep finally finds me.
The smell of bacon wakes me up and I reach over, realizing Jeff isn't there. "Damn it," I mutter under my breath as I pull on a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt. I pull my hair up into a ponytail as I stomp down the hallway.
Vanessa is in the kitchen cooking and Jeff is sitting at the bar sipping his coffee. I walk over to the coffee pot without as much as a word.
"Someone is a still a real grump without their coffee, aren't they?" Vanessa says pointing the spatula at me.
I nod and roll my eyes as I climb on the barstool beside Jeff.
"So, Jas, since its ladies night at the Bottlestopper, I was hoping you would go with me," she says.
"I don't know about that now, I'm not really into the club scene," I say.
"I don't mind, go ahead, have fun," Jeff says, winking at Vanessa.
She hasn't changed a bit; she still gets excited about the smallest things. I just stare at Jeff, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
"What?” he whispers.
"I have to admit I'm surprised that you’re okay with this," I reply with suspicion in my tone.
Jeff picks up on it quickly and rolls his eyes. "There's nothing to be suspicious about," he says, his tone soft, "I figured you two could like to catch up and have a little fun."
Bars and clubs are not my idea of fun. I'm more of a ‘relax at home with a good movie and pizza’ kind of girl.
"I'll think about it," I finally say looking back and forth between the two of them.
Vanessa frowns at me and gives me the puppy dog eyes. "Jeff, are you going to keep Madison?"
"Of course," he says. I’ve never left her with him and I'm leery, I'll admit.
"That doesn't work on me," I reply taking a sip of my coffee.
"Well...I'll just have to bug the ever living shit out of you until you buckle," she replies with a huge grin, raising her eyebrows at me.
I laugh, knowing she means it, as that is how persistent this woman is. In my freshman year of high school, she convinced me to sneak out and walk almost five miles to her house so we could have a secret slumber party. I did it only to find out it was a make out party. I got the beating of my life for that, but it was worth it to play spin-the-bottle with Michael Smith. I would have gotten away with it if he would have known how to kiss, but his braces cut my lip.
"I'll consider it, but right now I've got to get ready for work," I say heading to the bathroom. Maddy is still sound asleep when I peek into her room and I quickly get myself dressed and gather up all her stuff for daycare. I can't believe she will be five years old next month.
Work is tedious and I'm actually glad to have a chance to get out of the house. Picking up Maddy from daycare takes forever. Maddy wants to spend the night with her best friend but I bargain with her and promise she can have a Happy Meal for dinner, and after almost half an hour in the drive-thru line we’re on our way home.
I pull into the driveway with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Always, there in the back if mind, is the memory of that night. We had argued and verbally fought with each other many times, but that was the first time he hit me, I thought my soul would break in two. The backhand across my face not only hurt me physically, but mentally as well. It had brought back every memory of my father and his belt. I'd cried like a baby, blubbering and sniveling into my pillow for hours on end until I'd finally fell into a sorrowful sleep. Jeff had carried me to bed, and watched over me for the remainder of the night. When I woke up, my face was sore and swollen, he had made me breakfast and acted as though nothing had happened.
As I walk up to the front door, my heart is hammering loudly in my ears because I'm afraid. I hear giggling coming from inside and find Vanessa and Jeff snuggled close in a recliner. She's sitting there on his lap and he's got his face buried into her neck. "Maddy, go sit on Mommy’s bed, I'll be there in just a minute," I whisper. My blood begins to boil as he removes her tank top and kisses her deeply. I can feel the bile rising and I run down the hall, barely making it to the bathroom. After my nausea fades, I stare at myself in the mirror as anger takes completely over.
Drawing in several breaths, I walk back into the living room, loudly. Vanessa jumps up, covering her exposed breasts. "I'm sorry, Jas. I don't know what I was thinking," she says.
As she takes a step closer to me I shake my head. "Get your stuff and get out!" I hiss. Locking eyes with Jeff, I scream, "You had me fooled, you really did!" I stand there fighting the anger and tears that are now taking over. He stands there, clearly angry, but not speaking. I turn and go to our bedroom, locking the door, and grab my suitcase.
"Mommy what's wrong?" Maddy asks, running to me. Tears are streaming down my face as I start flinging clothes into it.
"Sweetheart, we’re leaving, okay? I need you to sit behind the bathroom door for a little while so I can get some things together. Can you do that for me?" I ask, kissing her now damp cheek. She nods and goes into the bathroom, shutting the door. Bending over to pick up some socks that had fallen, the light glints off my pendant. I grab it and rip it off, throwing into the corner.
A knock on the door brings me back to reality, its Jeff, wanting to come in. "Jasmine, let me in so we can talk," he says.
"I don't want to talk to you," I reply between sobs.
"Jasmine, damn it, I'm sorry...I'm stupid," he says angrily.
"I don't care how sorry you are, I am done. You have crossed a fucking line!" I snarl. He pounds on the door and I can hear the stream of obscenities coming from him as he kicks at the door. Maddy is whimpering from the bathroom and that makes my skin crawl. After a couple more kicks, he goes out to his truck, seething, and slams on the gas once he's in it, backing up haphazardly, knocking over the trashcans. I run down the hallway and grab my coat, phone, and some things for Maddy. I'm in the kitchen when Vanessa comes in.
"Jas," she says. I shake my head and point to the door.
Loading everything I can into my car, I jump in and crank it up. I go back in the house to grab the last load and Maddy. I quickly buckle her in and shift into reverse. I don't know where I'm going, I just have to go. Calling a couple of hotels on the way, my frustration turns to hurt. I’m just driving around looking for one with a vacancy, as everything replays in my head, making my chest hurt. Deep down I knew he had cheated before, but I had never caught him so I never had any hard proof.
I drive until I can't drive anymore, and just over the Colorado state line I find a vacancy. After fifteen minutes, I gather myself and check into my room. The old ratty curtains aren't much and the faded floral bedspread looks ancient, but it's clean and I'm away from Jeff. I bring in Maddy and my suitcase, plopping it down on the bed and exhaustion takes over. I pull Maddy to me, hold her close, and we fall asleep. When I wake up, the room is dark, the only light coming from the dim hotel sign. I reach over and grab my phone, seeing I have about twenty missed calls, all of them Jeff. Maddy is still sleeping so I ease into the bathroom and look at my reflection; the streaks of black mascara running down my cheeks flip something within me. In my life, I've never felt so vulnerable and weak, even under the soul crushing blows from my father. I jump in the shower and the warm water runs down me, drowning every emotion I feel. For the first time, I'm numb. I get out and dress quickly, being careful not to wake Maddy. I crawl back in bed beside her and snuggle up to her.
The morning sun creeps through the old worn curtains and I roll over and tuck the blanket snugly around Madison. I turn on my phone and search for flights to Florida. I haven't been home in seven years, and I hope my Aunt Suzanne’s number is still the same.