Chapter Nine: Overcoming Doubt
"Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy."- Aman Dhanda
Jasmine
At three in the morning, I wake up to find myself lying on his chest, the blue screen of the TV casting a faint light across his face as he sleeps. I slowly wiggle myself out of his grasp and go to the bathroom. My reflection is frightening, so I wash my face and run my fingers through my hair to try and fix the tangled mess. Creeping back into the living room I notice he’s no longer on the couch.
"I'm in here,” he says. I enter his room and he tosses me a t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants. "I figured this would be a bit more comfortable for you,” he says with a yawn. Looking at the clothes he's given me I just laugh. "I know they will be a bit big, but I'm sure that it's better than jeans.” I nod and start to walk out of the bedroom. "You can use my bathroom, if you'd like,” he says pointing to the other side of his room.
I nod and go in to change, folding my clothes and putting them on the hamper. Pulling my hair into a ponytail, I sigh, “Best I can do,” I say to myself before walking back out.
"Aren’t you just cute?” he says with a smile.
"Yeah, yeah,” I say crawling onto the bed. Brandon turns out the light and crawls in beside me. I lay there staring up at the ceiling, unsure of how I feel about this.
"Is everything okay?” he asks moving closer.
"Yeah, I’m just thinking about Caleb."
"Caleb," Brandon asks and I can feel his eyes on me, even in the darkness.
"Caleb was my baby brother," I reply.
"Oh. Yeah I remember now. I knew he passed but you never really told me the whole story.
"I know," I say, feeling the tears sliding down my cheeks.
"What happened to him?"
"He died when I was almost eight, he had leukemia," I reply in a whisper.
The bed shifts as Brandon turns towards me, pulling me into his embrace. "Tell me about him. That is, if you want to. I know you have before but it’s been a long time."
"Okay, sure," I say facing him. I can't see his face, but I can feel his breath on my shoulder. "He wasn't blood related but it didn't matter to me, and he was the only brother I’d ever had. Caleb was almost a year old when my parents adopted him; I was almost six. My parents had tried to have more children after I was born, because they had always wanted a big family. From the moment I laid eyes on him, I loved him. His bright blue eyes and crooked smile always had a way of tugging on my heartstrings. I would do anything for him, and I do mean anything.”
"When he was five, he got really sick. After that, we spent many long nights in the emergency room, trying to figure out the cause. One night, he woke up with a fever of one hundred six. He was hallucinating and it felt like his skin was on fire. When we got to the hospital his fever was gone. They were about to send us home with just an antibiotic, but the doctor on duty decided to do one more test, a blood test. His results came back with a very high white blood count.”
"Just like that, in a whirlwind, my mother and I were on an ambulance with him heading to the children's hospital in Birmingham, Alabama. After being admitted, and tons of tests, we got the bad news, cancer. In that moment everything changed. With my mom being unable to work and my dad having to carry everything, we lost our house. As his health declined, they begin to withdraw and turn to other things for comfort.”
"My mom began to drink heavily and my dad turned to alcohol as well as cocaine and prostitutes. I became the scapegoat for all their issues. At that time, it was never physical, only emotional. It wasn't until after he died that it got worse.”
"The treatments had quit working and the only option left was a bone marrow transplant. Since we weren’t blood related none of us were a match. For months we waited and hoped, but no one was found. Three days before his eighth birthday, his little body gave out. One by one his systems shut down. I was with him when he took his final breath.”
"Everyone else had left, they couldn’t take it, but I couldn't just leave him there. I couldn't bear to leave him alone. A final kiss on his cheek was all I was allowed before the nurses ushered me out.”
I hear Brandon’s breath catch as he starts to speak, "I'm so sorry,” he says kissing my forehead and I can feel the dampness on his cheeks. "I remember you telling me about Caleb but I was too young to fully understand the impact all of it on you, but now I can physically feel your pain. I remember your parents changing and I remember how you would always sneak over to my old house when they would get into it.” I nod, trying to hold back the tears now slowly creeping from my eyes.
We lie there, holding each other in silence, until sleep finally comes.
As I process everything Jasmine has told me my heart breaks for her. From her brother's death to the abuse at the hands of those who were supposed to love her, I feel an overwhelming need to protect her regardless of the consequences.
The sun begins to softly trickle through the curtains as I watch her sleep. I kiss her cheek and stroke her hair, lightly running my finger down the scar on her face. She shivers and turns over, pulling the blanket up around herself. A faint whisper brings me out of my daze and I realize she's talking in her sleep. "I love you" she says over and over, and I can only wonder who she's referring to.
The alarm clock goes off and she wakes up with a gasp. She looks around trying to focus, her eyes finding me. She smiles and stretches before saying, "Good morning."
I smile and wrap my arms around her. "Good morning, sunshine," I reply.
"Do you work today?” she asks, crawling out of bed.
"Nope," I reply wiggling my eyebrows at her. She shakes her head and goes into the restroom. I slowly get out of bed and head into the kitchen. I fill up the coffee pot, and I’m grabbing two cups from the cabinet when she comes in.
"I thought I smelled coffee brewing,” she says sitting at the bar. "I was thinking," she says with hesitation, "I would like for you to go with me to Caleb’s gravesite."
Without a word, I go up behind her and hug her to me. "Of course, I’ll go with you," I whisper softly into her ear.
She smiles and bites her bottom lip, "Thank you, but first, I need to go by the hotel and get a change of clothes. We also will need to stop by a flower shop so I can get some fresh flowers for him and then pick up Maddy. She should meet her uncle." I nod and kiss her cheek. "Oh, and I need to go look at that apartment, would you be willing to do that with me also?” she asks, her voice laced with a hopeful tone.
I just laugh, "You know I will." We get ready to leave and I can see her filling up with emotions. "So where is the cemetery?" I ask backing out of the driveway.
"Take 81 to I-181 and turn left, about three miles down is Cerro Gordo Lane, turn right and at the end of the road, and you'll see the cemetery.”
I nod not knowing what to say. The ten-minute drive to the hotel feels like an eternity with the blistering silence. She gets out and motions for me to come in. "I want to show you something,” she says. I get out and follow her inside. Jasmine goes to the closet and pulls out a tattered old book bag and sets on the bed, patting the mattress beside her. I sit and she pulls out a handful of old pictures. The first one is a little boy, with stark blue eyes, whom I assume to be Caleb. As she flips through the pictures, giving me the background for each one, I find myself on the brink of tears. She hands them to me and smiles.
"I’m going to shower and get changed. Make yourself at home."
I sit there staring at the pictures, trying not to cry. Her sweet smile and bright eyes were the same as they are now. I sit there the whole time while she's showering, thinking about what she was like when she was younger. I hear the doorknob turning and quickly wipe away the tears that were forming.
"Hey,” she says twisting the towel around her hair. I smile at how unbelievably beautiful she is. Looking at her without makeup on and messy hair is an incredible turn on.
"Do you know how beautiful you are," I blurt out before I can stop myself. She smiles and her cheeks begin to turn bright red. "You're not accustomed to compliments are you?"
"No," she says lowering her head.
I get up and walk over to her, "Don’t do that," I say, bringing her up to meet my eyes. "You are beautiful, regardless of some scars or your past. I've never met anyone quite like you and I don’t know what to say or do to help you overcome what you’ve been through. I know we've only gotten to know each other again over the last few weeks, but I feel something for you. I can’t put my finger on it exactly, but I hope you’ll hang around so I can find out," I say hugging her to me.
Huge tears form in her eyes and she smiles, kissing me. "We better get going,” she says pulling her hair into a ponytail. Taking her hand, I lead her out, opening the truck door for her. We need to stop and get Maddy and some flowers before we head to the cemetery, so we pull into the parking lot of a little flower shop, and she runs in, coming back out with a bouquet of daisies.
"Caleb liked these flowers,” she says as if she read my mind. "Did you ever do the, 'she loves me, she loves me not', with flower petals?” she asks.
"No, I can’t recall doing that," I reply.
"Well, you pull a petal and say, 'loves me and then loves me not', alternating with each one. The last petal is the most important." I nod and she continues. "Caleb and I did 'love you, love you more’. He always seemed to love me more and I knew he was being sneaky, but he was little when we started doing that and I'd always let him win. He liked daisies best because they had smaller petals." We then drove to Suzanne’s to pick up Maddy.
The entrance to the cemetery was on a long and bumpy dirt road. The twisted branches of the trees open up into a small open space with everything overgrown and untouched, except for a small headstone near the back of the cemetery. 'Caleb Michael Grayson' sits across the front in childlike script with an engraving of a familiar cartoon character covering the middle. There are cars and trucks lining the small, filled grave square in front, and a plastic butterfly sits atop the small marble structure. Maddy goes stiff at the sight and shudders.
Jasmine sits cross legged in front of the grave, pulls Maddy onto her lap and places the daisies in front of her. I feel strange, like I'm invading a private conversation, but she motions for me to sit with her. Squeezing in between the two small statues on either side of the plot, I'm so close to her I can hear every breath she takes. She pulls a letter out of her pocket and begins to read it to Caleb, her tears smearing the ink. When she’s finished, she moves aside some of the gravel and folds it back up, placing it in the spot she's made. Covering it, up she looks over at me with her glistening eyes. "He would have liked you because you drive a big truck,” she says smiling through her tears. As we’re leaving, she looks back and whispers, "I love you, Caleb and you will always be with me."
I pull her closer to me and put my arm over her shoulder and ruffle Maddy’s hair. "Do you realize how amazing you are?" I ask. She shrugs and climbs in the truck.
"Do you remember where I told you the apartment complex is?” I nod and buckle my seatbelt. I watch her as I pull out, and she sighs deeply. "If all this is weird to you I don't know what to tell you. This is me coping with life."
"I don’t find it weird at all. We all have our quirks and coping mechanisms," I reply taking her hand. The sour look on Maddy’s face tells me she doesn't like me holding her mommy’s hand and I can't help but smile. "You know, Maddy, you are such a pretty little girl,” I tell her and she smiles widely, covering her face. "Jasmine, she’s so much like you, it’s almost scary." She smiles and shakes her head, kissing Maddy on her head.
~~~~
The small two-bedroom apartment she found is perfect and its only three blocks from mine. What she doesn't know yet is that I've paid the first three months and the deposit. I'm sure she'll be upset with me, but I'll feel better when she’s in a safer area.
I drop Maddy off at Suzanne’s and Jasmine off at her hotel room, then head back home. I'm lying there in the darkness and can still smell a faint hint of her perfume. Closing my eyes, I keep thinking about her; the way her hair swings when she walks, and the blushing of her cheeks when she’s embarrassed. My phone whistles indicating I have a text message and I almost ignore it. After a few minutes, curiosity gets the best of me and I open the message.
You awake?
My heart thumps a little faster as I answer it, Yeah, everything ok?
Yeah, I'm just bored and my bed is cold.
I smile because I’m feeling the same way. I’m sorry, I reply, waiting for an invitation.
Want to come watch a movie with me?
Sure.
Good, come on then and bring a good movie.
Okay, be there in a few.
I sit there for a good ten minutes before I rush over so that I don't seem expectant or anxious. She answers the door in a pink tank top and black running shorts. "No wonder you're cold,” I say, jokingly.
"All my jeans are dirty; I need to go to the laundromat tomorrow,” she says, embarrassment in her voice.
"How about this, you gather up your clothes, wrap up in a blanket and you can wash your things at my place, tonight?"
"Ok,” she says slowly, looking at me.
Trying to decipher the expression on her face is impossible. I wonder if I'm being too available and it’s turning her off.
"Thank you. I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you."
Loading up the clothes basket into the back of my truck, I chuckle at myself then take off back to my house.
"I have to go to work tomorrow, but you’re welcome to hang out here, if you'd like."
She nods pouring the soap into the washing machine. "Why don’t you go put on a movie and pop some popcorn?”
"Yes, ma'am," I reply with a salute. She laughs and shoos me from the laundry room.
I put in a movie and have the popcorn waiting when she comes in. She sits down close to me, pulling the blanket over her and laying her head on my shoulder. The feel of her bare skin against mine makes it hard for me to concentrate on the movie. When she puts her legs over mine, I do everything I can to control myself.
She looks up at and smiles, "I get to go back to work the day after tomorrow.”
“Well then, after work we’ll get you into your apartment," I reply.
"It’s fine; I really don't have anything but my clothes to move.”
"Don't you worry about anything, okay? You’ll have everything you need. As a matter of fact, I have a bed in the spare room you can have and I'll check with my parents and see if they still have anything in storage."
"You would do that for me?” she asks, surprised.
"Of course, that’s what friends do, they help each other," I reply with a sly wink.
She kisses me and hugs me tightly, each move making it hard to control all the blood that’s rushing south. She pulls away and her leg skims across the fabric of my pants, making me groan.
"Are you okay?” she asks.
"I’m fine," I quickly reply, in a strained whisper. Closing my eyes, I try to think of everything that turns me off.
Thirty minutes into the movie and she's asleep on my shoulder. Picking her up gently, I take her to my bed and cover her up. Taking my place on the couch I smile, knowing I'm never letting her go again.