Chapter 39
CADE
“I’ve been thinking about a short trip to Scotland.” Jess spoke casually, as if jetting off to the Highlands was a minor thing. “I just got email from my mother. She’s invited me to come and spend a couple weeks with her soon. Around Christmas.”
It was an early December morning. We were eating breakfast together in the kitchen. Outside the sky was gray and it looked like snow.
I looked up from my coffee cup. I’d been staring into it, my mind elsewhere. And she’d just dropped a fucking bomb.
"What the fuck? You can't do that. By the terms of Tom's will, we have to live together for six months. There are still three left."
"Surely that’s a technicality. Everyone in Whittier knows we got married." She was nervously fingering the silverware, rubbing her thumb over the tines of a fork. "I’d like to visit my family.”
“Your family or your fucking cousin Cam?” I knew she’d talked to that guy. Did she seriously think she could get out of bed and go downstairs to make a call without me hearing?
She rolled her eyes. “There’s nothing between him and me. I don’t even like him. But he does know something about darkling shifters and he might be able to teach me. There’s a lot I still don’t know.”
“No way,” I said, pissed.
“I'll come back in a couple of weeks. And then before we know it it will be March and we'll be free to divide up the property and file for a divorce."
"Who the fuck said anything about a divorce?"
"This was never meant to be a permanent arrangement."
"Don't be an idiot, Jess. And don't make excuses. I know you’re having a hard time right now, but it’ll pass. We got married. We’re staying married.”
“Stop dictating to me.”
It was as if a serpent had entered our garden. Or a monster with dark wings and claws.
Ever since I’d seen her darkling aspect, Jess had been moody and upset. Well, not all the time. She could still laugh and have fun and sass me and sex me into cock-spewing paradise, but I could tell she was not at peace with herself.
I didn’t get why, though.
And it was frustrating because she made me feel very content and happy. It was harder and harder to imagine my life without her. I wasn’t going to let her go running off to Scotland.
The last week or two, she’d been ducking out on me, either by going to bed early or by insisting on doing her artwork downstairs until she thought I was asleep. When I pushed it, she always complied, but she’d reverted once again to not talking to me much and not telling me what she was feeling.
It burned me the fuck up. For the first time in my life, I wanted a woman to tell me her thoughts and feelings, and my own wife refused to do so!
Plus we were still arguing over that damn Highland Choker. She wanted me to put it on her every night, and I was fucking sick of hearing about how she was going to shift in the night, attack me viciously, and suck out all my blood.
I gulped what was left of my coffee. I had an image of her stretched out on her back, her hair tangled, her lovely bare skin damp with the exertions of lovemaking. What was happening to us? Was I failing her somehow? Was this my fault?
I’d probably over-reacted during that dust-up with Brandon. Was she afraid I was some kind of jealous, possessive bastard who might go all psycho on her someday like that shithead rapist, dog-killer Jonathan?
In the past, I’d always been the one who’d refused to commit to a serious relationship. My methods of avoiding intimacy had been extensive and varied, most of them unrecognized by me until enough time had passed for me to gain perspective. More than one lover had accused me of distancing myself from a short affair without even being aware of what I was doing.
I’d been aware, though. I hadn’t loved any of them.
But now? I had no experience with love. Not romantic love. I’d loved my brother. And my dad, even though I’d picked an asshole way of showing it for a few years. I loved my mom. I might not ever say so, but they’d known it, right?
Ever since our wedding night when she’d come apart in my arms, I’d felt bonded to Jess. Sometimes it felt as though we were speaking mind to mind, without words, the way legend said fated mates sometimes could.
But she was still hiding part of herself from me.
I guess I’d pushed a few women away. Maybe I was pushing Jess away, too?
But I didn’t want her to leave.
"Are you giving up on us? Is that what you're telling me?"
"On you and me, no. But why do we have to be married? Such a formal relationship makes it look as if I’m your fated mate, and that’s always going to be problematic for your pack. Given who and what I am.”
“That doesn’t matter. We’re great together. We even have the sevmelle.”
She rolled her eyes. Rightly so. I couldn’t believe I’d just said that.
"I know there are some issues. But you needn’t be so worried about people getting to know your darkling self. She’s kickass."
“Cade, you’re a wolf shifter and I’m a multiform shifter. That means we’re just not compatible.”
I jumped to my feet, flinging my chair backward so hard it nearly fell over. I started pacing across the kitchen the way my wolf stalked back and forth. "That’s bullshit! We've lived together all this time with scarcely a ripple of discontent, except for this darkling business. You're the first woman I've ever spent so much time with who hasn't driven me nuts."
I stopped beside her chair. When she tried to turn her face away, I cupped her chin and forced her to look at me. "Jess, I love you. We have to work things out."
She didn't answer. I was shocked. I guess I’d never expected that I’d say I love you to a woman and not hear her say it back.
"Shit!" The flat of my hand slammed down on the top of the table, setting the dishes clattering. "I'm not willing to accept silence from you.” Moving closer, I leaned over her and gripped her shoulders between my palms. "I love you, Jess. Look at me when I say that. I love you."
She pulled away. "You must know that I don’t want to leave you. But you’re so stubborn and you won’t let me wear the Choker and I’m afraid I could lose myself and attack you, Cade! Hurt you. Maybe even kill you. Don’t you see? I’m terrified of that.”
There she went again with the I’m-so-deadly-and-dangerous-to-you thing. I was a fucking alpha wolf, dammit. Did she seriously think she could hurt me?
“I can’t take this. I need to think.” Blindly, I strode into the study, jerked a shotgun from the glass case and jammed a few shells into my trousers' pocket. I grabbed my jacket and my shooting vest from the hook near the front door and yelled for Barney.
"Cade—" Her voice was wavering, wretched.
"Do what you have to do. I’m going out to murder a few birds."
With Barney trailing happily at my heels, I went out and slammed the door.