Chapter Thirteen
Aaron
I sat on the edge of the bed for a minute. I thought about going after him, but I knew he’d come back. Or at least, I thought he would. And I wanted to let him gather himself.
It was strange. One minute it felt like no time had passed, that we hadn’t been separated for over a decade, as if we could pick up where we’d left off. But then he’d say or do something different. Different from what he would’ve said or done before. In those moments, I felt like I hardly knew him. Like he was a completely different person.
That’s how I felt now.
Those scars on his forearms. They couldn’t possibly mean…? Could they? Could my Finn really have tried to kill himself?
I swallowed thickly at the realization that he really wasn’t my Finn, not anymore. While my Finn never would have, I had no fucking clue what this new Finn would or wouldn’t do. I peeked my head out the door to make sure he was still in the bathroom, then I grabbed a towel and wiped myself off before putting my underwear back on. I didn’t bother with the rest of my clothes, though.
Just when I thought I was going to need to knock on the bathroom door, Finn walked back into the bedroom. It surprised me that he hadn’t put his shirt back on, but then I noticed it on the floor, so I supposed he hadn’t had the option. He froze just inside the doorway, so I took my fill of him. He looked incredibly sexy standing there in his unbuttoned jeans and covered in tattoos. A shit-ton of tattoos, actually. He had one over his left pec that wrapped up over his shoulder and down his arm in a half-sleeve. It was dark in here, and I was too far away to see what the design was. His other arm looked bare from where I sat on the bed, but he had a very large tribalesque tattoo starting at his ribs on the right and running down the side of his stomach and back, disappearing under his jeans. It made me wonder just how far down it went, and whether or not he had any other tattoos hiding under his pants. I hadn’t been able to inspect him in the dark… I’d definitely need to… soon. The thought made my mouth water and my cock twitch in my underwear, even though I’d just come only minutes ago.
I forced my eyes back up his body to his face. He totally caught me ogling him, but he didn’t seem to mind. Which led me to believe that he’d wanted the lights out to hide his scars from me, not to hide his body. That notion didn’t sit well with me.
“Will you come back over here?” I asked quietly.
Finn eyed me for a moment, but didn’t move.
“Please? I can’t stand you being that far away from me,” I told him honestly.
The corner of his mouth lifted in a half-smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. However, he did walk over and sit beside me. I was a little disappointed that he left a huge space between us and that he sat on my left, so I couldn’t inspect his half-sleeve.
“Finn.” I reached for his hand and brought it up to my lips, kissing it. “Please tell me.” I turned his hand over and ran my fingers over the scar. “Tell me what happened, Muffin.” I was trying to lighten the mood, but he didn’t seem to notice. He just looked at the wall without responding. At least he hadn’t pulled his hand away.
“Finn, what are these?” I asked him.
He still didn’t respond.
“Finn, please answer me. What are these?” I tried again, rubbing his forearm. Trying to show him that I wasn’t afraid of his scars.
He sighed. “They’re exactly what you think they are, Aar. I tried to kill myself… more than once,” he said in a despondent voice.
Suddenly I felt like I might be sick again, or possibly explode in rage or in fear. Not that I was mad at him, just the situation and the fact that there was so much I didn’t know about him. He used to be my whole world. We used to know everything about each other. But now I had to relearn… everything. What the hell happened to him? What in the world could have made him hurt himself like that? “When?” When he didn’t answer me, I said more forcefully than I probably should have, “When, Finn? Talk to me.”
He looked me straight in the eye and said, “The first time was about a month into freshman year at SBCS.”
He meant a month after we’d parted. He’d tried to kill himself only a few weeks after I’d last seen him. Oh god. Ohgodohgodohgod. Why hadn’t I been there to help him?
I let go of him and started pacing around the room with my hands resting on my head, trying to wrap my mind around it. After a couple of laps, I looked back over at him. He was sitting at the top of the bed with his knees drawn up and his arms wrapped around them. His chin was resting on his knee. He looked like he wasn’t even here, almost like he was staring off into space, though his eyes were following my movements. An hour ago, he’d been laughing with me. A half hour ago, we’d been making love. How could so much change in such a short period of time?
“When was the next time?” I asked him.
He didn’t answer me and I was afraid that he’d shut down. That I’d done something wrong to make him think he couldn’t trust me with this. I knew I looked pissed off. He probably thought I was mad at him. But I wasn’t. Not at all. I was mad at myself for not being there for him.
I tried to soften my voice, though I was having trouble speaking because I was trying not to scream in frustration. “When was the next time?”
He eyed me, unmoving. “About two weeks after I got out of the hospital from my first attempt. I had to switch roommates after the guy found me twice.” His voice was so flat, like a robot. That was scaring me more than his actual words were.
“And after that?” I choked out.
“About four months later. The next time, I made it almost six months, if I remember correctly. Layla had forced me to move in with her by then, so I was lucky she’d been the one to find me. The last time was during my junior year… Griffin found me that time.”
“Oh god,” I whispered.
Finn eyed me again, his voice wavering. “After the last time, I started seeing a really good doctor and she helped me. Got me on the right meds and all that good stuff. I see one of her associates out here every couple months to check in, make sure my meds are still in working order. I’ve been on antidepressants since then. They work, for the most part. And don’t worry, I keep some in my wallet, so it’s not like I missed a dose today or anything.” His voice had gone so quiet I could barely hear him. He stopped looking at me and started playing with one of the pillowcases. He looked terrified.
The realization that he’d been scared to tell me this made my chest constrict in pain. What did he think I would do? Or say? And did he really think I was going to ask him about missing a dose? Did he really think I’d be that inconsiderate when he was telling me this for the first time? He’d been through so much… and he didn’t trust me anymore. Not that I could blame him after all this time. Still, it wasn’t easy knowing it. And it sure as hell wasn’t easy watching him scared and in pain.
I paced around the room for a few minutes, trying to take in the new information. I didn’t know what to think. Finn had always been such a happy person. He was the one that always saw the best in people, always saw the good in everything. How could his outlook on life have possibly changed that much in such a short period of time? I couldn’t help but feel like I’d broken him.
“It wasn’t your fault,” he suddenly whispered.
“What?”
“I know that’s what you’re thinking, but it’s not true. It wasn’t your fault. I was sick and I needed help, but I didn’t have a good doctor. It wasn’t your fault.” His eyes were downcast as he played with the pillowcase.
I knelt beside the bed so he’d look at me. “Finn? Please look at me.”
He took a deep breath before making eye contact.
I brushed my fingers across his cheek. “Finn, baby…” I didn’t know what to say.
He took a few shuddered breaths.
I whispered, “You should have called me. I know we promised we wouldn’t, but you should have called me. I would have figured out a way to help you. I would’ve come to you. I don’t know how, but I would have.”
He nodded, and when he closed his eyes, a few tears fell. He mumbled something, but I couldn’t understand him.
“What did you say?”
“I did.” He opened his eyes and angrily wiped away his tears. “I did call you.”
I sat back on my haunches and stared at him dumbly. He’d called me? When? What the hell was he talking about? “What?” He’d tried to reach out to me and I hadn’t been there? Oh god, I hadn’t been there. I’d let him down. He could’ve died because I wasn’t there for him. I felt my eyes tear up.
Finn blew out a breath before whispering, “I thought you were ignoring me. That you’d moved on already, and that’s why you were ignoring my calls and texts and voicemails. It wasn’t until after my second attempt that I finally called your dad. That’s when he told me that—”
Realization dawned on me. “He’d cut me off completely. My phone was in his name, even though I’d been paying for it through high school. But the bastard didn’t want his name even associated with me, so he had it shut off. I had to get a new one after the first week of school.”
He nodded, but he wasn’t looking at me. “He wouldn’t give me your new number.”
A burning hatred I’d never felt before swam through my veins. I’d hated my father for a long time; he was an evil man. But I’d never felt anything like this in my life. If I could, I’d fly back there and beat the shit out of him before killing him, slowly, and making him suffer.
“I’m sorry.” Finn’s soft whisper pulled me from my murderous rage.
“What in the world are you apologizing for?” I asked as I climbed back into bed. “You have nothing to be sorry about.” I pulled him into my arms, tucking his head onto my chest and rubbing his back with one hand. “I’m the one who should be apologizing.” How could I have been so stupid? “When I got the new phone, I wanted to text you my new number, but I thought you’d be mad. I didn’t want to break my promise to you. I was… I was afraid it’d be too hard to reach out to you. I didn’t want to break our promise. ” The last word came out broken on a sob, as if I was trying to convince myself that my reasoning had been sound. If I’d texted him like I should have, I would’ve gone to him. I would’ve quit school and stayed with him. I felt like something huge had been taken away from me. And it was all because of my asshole father and my own stupidity and selfishness for not texting him. “I was afraid to break our promise,” I whispered again, trying to convince myself just as much as him.
“Instead, I’m the one who broke it, and it didn’t even work.” He started sobbing into my chest.
“You did the right thing, sweetheart.” I held him as tight as I could, wishing I could go back in time and take away his pain, tell my younger self to fucking text him. How could I have been so stupid? “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me. God, I’m so sorry,” I whispered through my own tears. That made him cry even harder. Seeing him in pain was breaking my heart.
How many times over the years had I thought about calling him? Or texting him? Especially in those early years? It was on my mind constantly, but I didn’t want to call and upset him or make him feel guilty. I didn’t want to make it harder for myself, for either of us. If he’d moved on, I didn’t want to ruin anything for him. I’d only ever wanted him happy. But he hadn’t been, and I hadn’t been there for him when he’d needed me the most.
Oh god. What if…? He could have… he could have died… and I never even would’ve known. We’d had no other way of contacting one another, not back then. Our cell phones were it. I hadn’t been on social media back then, I didn’t even know if messaging over it was an option then. And I hadn’t had his email, either. Nowadays there were a thousand different ways to get ahold of someone, but back then our phones were the only thing we’d had… and I’d taken that away from him.
“I’m so sorry, Finn… God, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” he said between sobs, though he was starting to calm down a little. “You don’t hate me?”
I gasped at that and pulled his head back so I could look into his eyes. “How could you even think that?” He just shrugged, so I told him, “I have been in love with you my whole life, Finn Moroianu, and I’m still in love with you now. I’ll be in love with you in five years, in ten, in fifty. Nothing is ever going to change that. I love you more than anything… there’s no way in hell I’m going to let you get away a second time, okay?”
He nodded, so I leaned down and kissed him gently on the lips. When I pulled back, he whispered, “I love you too, Aaron Havenport.” Sweeter words had never been spoken. “But you’re not… worried about the whole meds and depression thing?”
I thought about how to answer that for a few seconds before finally saying, “I’m not worried in the way you mean. I’m worried about your health, yes, but that’s nothing new. You know I used to worry every single time you even sneezed.” I grinned at him and he shot me a tiny smile. “And having depression doesn’t change anything at all. Is that what you were worried about? That it would change my opinion of you?”
He nodded.
“Muffin, how could you ever think that?”
His lip was quivering when he leaned back to look at me. “Some people don’t want to deal with it, and I… I was afraid you’d be mad or want me to leave. I haven’t had a lot of men stick around once they find out.”
I narrowed my eyes at that. “Is it bad that I’m happy they didn’t?”
He snorted and shoulder-checked me a little. “You know what I mean.”
I ran my hand over his hair and pushed his head back onto my chest, then scooted us down so we’d be more comfortable. “I do know what you mean.” I kissed his hair and started rubbing his arm and back. “But you have nothing to worry about.” I looked down and cupped his cheek so we were staring into one another’s eyes. “We’re in it… together,” I reminded him of what we’d said a million times to each other. “Okay?”
He smiled and it finally reached his eyes. Then I pressed my lips to his and he melted against me. I ran my hand down his throat and around to the back of his neck, so I could deepen the kiss. I needed to show him just how much I cared about him. And just how much I didn’t care about him having scars and darkness in his past. All that mattered was him. All that mattered was us being together.
Finn was mine. He was still my Finn, after all. He always had been.
I just needed to remind him.
So I kept kissing him and rubbing his skin and pulling him close because I never wanted to let him go. We’d been apart for too long, but no more. He was here and I was going to do everything in my power to keep him here.
I pushed him on his back, then kissed and licked and nipped every single spot of skin I could, scars and all. Then I swallowed him whole until he came down my throat, screaming my name. I’d never get sick of hearing my name roll off his tongue.
When he’d calmed, I carried him into the bathroom and we showered together. I wanted to just take care of him: wash him, hold him, kiss him some more. But then he said that he wanted to taste me, too… and I couldn’t deny him anything in that moment.
By the time we made it back to my bedroom to get dressed, we were both so spent—emotionally and physically—that we decided to order in for dinner and watch a movie. We cuddled on the couch, even while we ate. Then I carried him to the bedroom—he always complained when I did that, but I knew he actually loved it, and I wanted him in my arms. And we made love again before falling asleep wrapped up in one another.
It was the best day of my life.