Much to my surprise, my teenaged daughter knocked some sense into me and a wedding was planned.
I still haven’t told anyone I’m pregnant. I can’t help it. It’s not that I don’t love Ace with my whole heart. I do. And maybe more importantly, I want to build a life with him. I want us to grow old together and be together as our kids grow up and have lives of their own. I can practically envision us sitting on a porch swing, sipping on lemonade as we watch our grandkids play in the yard. Of course, we’ll have to install a porch swing first.
It’s not about Ace or even this baby at all. It’s about my own experiences. My former therapist mentioned one time there is a small element of PTSD a lot of parents go through when their children have extra issues. It’s not full-blown like someone who may have been to war or gone through a traumatic event. I don’t have flashbacks or debilitating fear that renders me non-functional. But there still is the lingering anxiety. The nervousness that comes with making any changes that could throw things off balance and back into the depths of conduct disorder hell. I’ve been there. I don’t want to go back.
But when Julie sat us down and forced the issue, I had a moment of clarity: I was the one holding us back. I was the one keeping us from healing. And I needed to snap out of it.
I realized Oli was going to react to major life changes no matter what, and avoiding those changes will never change that fact. I realized Julie is more grown up than I’ve been giving her credit for, but she also needs a father figure in her life. She only has a couple more years of school, and to keep her and Ace from fully developing a relationship because of my own fears was doing her more harm than good.
I also realized one very big thing… no matter how much I may be in denial, this baby is coming and I have to get prepared. No, he or she won’t care where we live or if we move in the first year. But this baby’s father is here, waiting to be included. And by holding us back from moving forward, I’m doing him or her a huge injustice.
My ex-husband no longer contacts our kids unless he has something up his sleeve, and it’s caused a tremendous amount of hurt for my children. But this baby’s father is right here, wanting to be a part of every single moment from conception on. And I’m the one denying my child of their father.
Ouch.
That realization hurt.
So, I pushed my own fears aside, thought about things rationally, and even had a pow-wow with Adeline, who knows first-hand about relationship fears. We basically told each other the same thing… stop assuming the worst and trust the integrity of the man.
Now, here I sit, in the bridal room of the courthouse, waiting for our turn to get hitched. I look down at his mother’s engagement ring, now mine, and think about how perfect it is. It’s a one-carat diamond held to a thin platinum band by a four-pronged setting. It’s simple. Like us and our wedding.
At first, Ace wanted a church ceremony, but I nixed the idea. Been there. Done that. It’s a waste of money. We’ve got baby crap to purchase and college to fund in the next couple years. Talk about a double whammy financially.
I much preferred to elope when we had time in jeans and T-shirts, sign the marriage license, and be done with it. I thought Ace’s head was going to explode when I threw out that idea.
So, we compromised. Yes, we’re at the courthouse, which it turns out he’s okay with. But I’m in an actual wedding dress and he’s wearing a suit. And lucky him, Valentine’s Day fell during the week so here we are, preparing to be married in front of our closest family and friends on the day of love.
“Knock, knock!”
I catch a glimpse of Joie in the mirror as she peeks her head in the door. Her face immediately lights up as she takes in my appearance. I opted for something less traditional. Closer to cream than white for obvious reasons, the scoop neck has a bit of extra material, making it looser at the bust, and the cap sleeves give it less of a summer dress and more elegant on top. But the skirt flairs all the way to my knee, giving it the extra room I need to hide my new baby bump. And because I know Ace loves them, I topped the whole outfit off with my cowgirl boots.
Smoothing down the sides of my skirt, I’m careful not to draw any undue attention to my midsection. We haven’t told anyone except the kids about the baby. Partially because I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that I’m going to have a newborn shortly after my fortieth birthday. And partially because I didn’t want to hear any comments about having a shotgun wedding. I know my brother well, and there’s no telling if he’d show up with a Nerf version of the real thing just for shits and giggles.
“Is the coast clear?”
I shrug in response. “Sure. I’m not worried about anyone seeing me before the ceremony.”
“Don’t say that.” Brittany gives me a pointed look as she comes in behind my sister-in-law, carrying baby Nio. “Ace would never recover if you didn’t give him this tradition.”
I giggle because it’s true. While I’ve been married before and gone through the pomp and circumstance, I have to remind myself Ace hasn’t. And by nature, he’s a traditional guy so certain things are important to him. This is why Julie is acting as my bridesmaid and Oli as his groomsman. This is why my brother and Joie took the day off work. This is why Pedro made sure his shift was covered. Those six people are the most important people in the world to us so he wanted them here. After thinking about it, I realized he’s right. We need to share this moment with our family. It’s a new journey, and we’re celebrating it.
“Is he sweating bullets yet?” I ask, as Brittany gets comfortable in a chair and yanks the top of her cotton dress down to free her breast and pop it in the baby’s mouth. I feel the familiar ache in my own breasts as I watch little Nio latch on. Breastfeeding is one thing that didn’t go well with my other two kids. I make a mental note to do some research in the next few months on how to make my milk come in, but not yet.
“Close to it.” Brittany leans her head back and makes a face when her milk lets down, then relaxes into the couch.
“Greer, you really do look lovely.” Joie fawns all over me, tucking in stray strands of hair and wiping invisible lint off my sleeve. “You look cowgirl chic.”
“Good. That’s what I was going for. Now that we’ll be living in Texas permanently, I’m trying to embrace my new culture.”
“You mean nationality?” Brittany jokes, shifting Nio around when he gets a little fussy. “People in Texas seem to think they live in a country all their own.”
Joie laughs and plops down next to Brittany. “Ain’t that the truth?”
I don’t sit next to them, nervous I’ll wrinkle my dress. It’s odd having this many nerves. It’s not like I haven’t done this before. Gotten married, I mean. But this time feels much more important. Like it’s the beginning of something remarkable.
I realize as my two new friends chat about different traditions you only find in the Lone Star State, this is happy anxiety. What I’m feeling isn’t worry the bottom will fall out. It’s feeling excitement about what’s finally beginning.
Another knock sounds, and we all look to see my brother sticking his head through the door. I appreciate he’s being careful not to accidentally flash me to everyone outside.
“Hey. You’re up.”
The ladies hop to it, so they can take their positions at the front of the court room. In her excitement, Brittany forgets Jack is in the room and he blushes after getting an eyeful of boob.
Once they leave Jack and me alone, the mood turns serious.
“You look beautiful,” he says.
Tears form in my eyes. As much my brother and I love to argue and banter, he’s still my big brother. His support means everything.
Plus… hormones.
“Thank you. You don’t look too bad yourself.”
He breaks into a grin but doesn’t lose his serious tone. “No really. You know Mom and Dad would be proud of you, right?”
I wave my fingers in front of my eyes, trying to dry the tears that still threaten to fall. “Jack please,” I plead, “don’t make me cry on my wedding day.”
He walks toward me and gently puts his hands on my neck, rubbing his thumbs on my cheeks. “I’m proud of you too, baby sis. Ace is a good man. He loves you and the kids so much. I’m not worried about you anymore. I know he’s going to take good care of you.”
“You were worried about me before?”
“Always. Why do you think I practically dragged your ass down here?”
I bark a laugh through my sniffles. “You ass. You did not. I drove that damn truck down here all by myself.”
“One more year and I would have been up in Kansas throwing your shit in that truck myself, just to get you where you needed to be.” He pulls me into a hug. “And if this marriage lasts forever, I’m taking full credit.”
I laugh against his chest, trying to be careful not to smear makeup on his shirt as a stray tear or two finally fall free.
“You’re such an asshole. Now my mascara is about to run.”
He pulls away and looks at me. Taking a handkerchief out of his suit pocket, I furrow my brow in confusion because I’ve never seen him carry one before. “Nah. You look amazing. Now are you ready to go make this permanent?”
I nod vigorously, more ready than I thought I’d ever be.
Confident now that Ace isn’t going to lose his shit if he sees me, and knowing there’s nothing he can do anyway since the wedding is starting, we exit the waiting room. Julie is standing in the hall holding two flower bouquets. One for her and a larger one for me.
They’re simple, made of the purple wildflowers found in Ace’s field. The same flowers I found beautiful the first time I stepped foot on the farm.
I wasn’t planning on having a bouquet during the ceremony, but we had an unseasonably warm week and things bloomed suddenly. When Brittany saw them, she couldn’t resist picking as many as she could and making them for today. Just one more of Brittany’s many talents I never knew she had.
Julie hands it to me, and I peek through the door to see Oli standing at the front, yanking at the tie around his neck. “I knew he was going to hate that tie.” I giggle to myself. Jack looks down at me and smirks, knowing full well what I’m talking about. He loves his nephew fiercely but had to threaten him to get him to put it on.
Brittany and Pedro are standing on the same side as Oli.
Joie is standing on the opposite side to represent me. Once we get to the end of the short aisle, Julie and Jack will stand next to her completing our side of the family.
I take all this in in just a quick second, but what catches my attention and holds it is my husband-to-be.
Ace is in a dark navy suit, tailored to perfection. His tall frame is practically vibrating with excitement as he looks at his watch and shifts his shoulders. His dark hair has been styled. No hat for him today, which I’m almost sad about. We would have been the stereotypical Texas couple if he had a cowboy hat on.
As if he feels my gaze, he looks at me and everything else fades away. My nerves, my fears, my anxieties. Even my denial of what the future holds disappears as he breaks into a smile. I can tell when his shoulders relax, and I know, I know this is it. This is perfect.
“Are you ready, Mom?” I hear Julie ask, but I never take my eyes off my man.
“More than you know.”
“Ew,” she responds. “You don’t have to make it gross.”
I barely register Jack chuckling next to me at Julie’s typical teenage disgust. But I don’t care. Now, I’m finally ready to get married. No doubts in my mind.
Julie steps in front of me, momentarily blocking my view and bringing me back to the present. As the standard “Wedding March” begins, she makes the short trek to the front of the courthouse.
It looks just like you’d expect a courtroom to look, with a judge’s bench and benches for spectators to sit on. There are standard state and county plaques attached to the walls around the room. Someone tried to make it look nice, though. There are some white flower decorations along the pews creating a makeshift walkway. And there’s as small archway of those same white silk flowers where the judge stands.
Once Julie gets about halfway, Jack and I start walking. It takes but a moment to get to my destination, and it feels like that’s when things finally begin.
Jack kisses me on the cheek and passes me off to my future husband, completing the exchange with a handshake and a manly pat on the back. Without asking, Julie takes my bouquet out of my hands, leaving me free to clasp onto Ace’s.
“Is everyone accounted for?” the judge asks, and we nod, never taking our eyes off each other.
He’s so handsome, his eyes sparkling. And he looks at me like, well actually, I’m not sure if he’s looking at me like I’m the most precious thing he’s ever seen or like he wants to rip my dress off. Either option is fine with me.
There go those hormones again.
“Let’s do this quick. I’m ready to be married to my girl.”
At Aces’ prodding, the judge doesn’t waste any time.
“Good afternoon. We are here to witness the union of Grayson Whitman and Greer Declan. As is tradition, if anyone here has a reason why these two should not be joined, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.”
I don’t expect anyone to say a word, but of course I should know better. Oli immediately opens his mouth and says, “No, because I need my new baby brother and me to have the same dad.”
My jaw drops open, Ace’s expression mirroring mine.
“Oli, that was a secret!” Julie hisses at the same time Jack bellows, “What?!?!” and everyone else gasps.
A nervous giggle escapes me because what else can I do? We wanted to wait at least until after my first ultrasound, but honestly, I’m surprised Oli hasn’t spilled the beans until now. His timing though, is impeccable.
“Can someone please explain what’s going on?” Jack demands, Joie quietly murmuring to him to shut up and wait until a different time to do this.
Pedro, of course, starts belly laughing, making Ace turn around and glare. “What the hell is so funny over there?”
Wiping tears from his eyes, Pedro says, “You’re going to get your ass kicked on your wedding day.”
Rolling my eyes at the insanity of it all, I realize it’s up to me to pull this back together. Tugging on Ace’s arm to focus him back on me, I shoot a glare Pedro’s way.
“Can we please discuss this later? I’d like to focus on the happiest day of my life.”
“Hey!” Julie immediately responds.
“Sorry. Third happiest.”
“Hey!” Ace responds.
“Oh good god. You people are a bunch of babies,” I mumble. “Top three. It’s in the top three happiest days of my life.”
“Remind me not to ask that question again,” our judge says under his breath. “After thirty years, you would think I would know better by now.”
“I’m sorry,” I say to him, embarrassed at this turn of events. Not only is my family ridiculous, but I’m an almost forty-year-old bride having a shotgun wedding. I’m not embarrassed by the situation per se, but I know how uncouth this looks. My late prim-and-proper mother would be mortified by this entire conversation. “Can we just skip to the getting married part?”
His amused smirk is my first indication he’s not judging me and is honestly finding humor in this whole situation. “Of course,” he says kindly, and straightens his posture, going right back into judge mode. “We’ll make this quick. Grayson Whitman, do you take Greer Declan to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward as long as you both shall live?”
“I do,” he answers proudly, without hesitation, and my heart swells with emotion.
“Greer Declan, do you take Grayson Whitman to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward as long as you both shall live?”
“I do.”
I didn’t think Ace’s smile could get any wider, but the words are no more out of my mouth than I’m proven wrong. I’ve never seen him this happy before.
“Do you have the rings?”
“Oh shit.” Ace whips his head around and we watch as Pedro pats down all the pockets in his suit, looking for the rings. A growl comes from low in Ace’s throat making Pedro break into a smile. “Ha! Just kidding.” Then Pedro turns serious. “Now we’re even for you getting me blitzed the night before my wedding.”
Ace rolls his eyes and mumbles something like, “We were in Vegas. I couldn’t keep you away from free alcohol at the poker table if I tried,” while snatching the rings from his best friend’s hand and passing them to the judge.
He immediately gives mine back to Ace. “Place this on her left ring finger and repeat after me. Greer, with this ring, I thee wed.”
Ace slides the platinum band over my knuckle, giving it a small shove when it almost gets stuck. His eyes flick up to mine in question, but I nod subtly. No surprise to me, my fingers are already a bit swollen since we got them sized.
The judge then hands me Ace’s ring. “Greer place this on his left ring finger and repeat after me.”
Pushing the black onyx ring on, I repeat, “With this ring, I thee wed.”
Clasping hands once again, I can feel Ace’s excitement. In fact, I’m just as excited as he is.
“Now, by the power invested in me by the State of Texas, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride.”
I ignore the tears that are welling up in Ace’s eyes, because if I concentrate on them, I know I’ll become a blubbering mess. He reaches for my face, cupping my cheeks in his hands, he leans in and whispers, “I love you so much, Greer Whitman.”
“I love you too, husband.”
His nostrils flare at my nickname for him, and he licks his lips just before pressing them gently to mine. I thought he was going in for a quick peck in front of this audience.
Oh, how wrong I was.
Very quickly, it becomes obvious how excited he is about our small honeymoon. As I part my lips, his tongue delves in, making sweeping motions as he takes his time pressing all his emotion into this first kiss as husband and wife.
I don’t hear the applause around us. I don’t hear Pedro yell, “Get a room.” The only thing I hear is the sound of my own heart, and the only thing I feel is the love I have for this man, now and forever.