RHO

 

The next few weeks, Adam and I became part of a routine. The cast on his chest came off in six weeks. For a long time, I didn’t think he would last living with an asshole like me but the boy turned out to be stronger than he looked. I never had to change for him. He molded himself around me. He accepted everything; my anger, my impatience. Even my tiring work routine. I didn’t know what he did when I wasn’t around, but even if I didn’t go out with him for weeks, he wouldn’t complain. I don’t know what made him that way. He had been through enough to have the right to be cynical and demanding but he was just as innocent as the first time I saw him.

It was nice to see him after an exhausting day, I was always happy to find him waiting for me. He refused to eat dinner without me. It was the one thing he wanted in return for everything he did around the house, and for keeping things the way I preferred and for cooking elaborate meals. We weren’t fucking but we were like any married couple. So, it wasn’t a surprise when we finally got to the fucking part.

Every night, after dinner, if it wasn’t too late, we would sit on the bed in my room and watch a movie. On most nights, we would both pass out next to each other. It was never sexual.

Until that night, a week after Adam’s cast came off.

It was past midnight. The movie ended and Adam was passed out as always. I went to check on him, something I always did before I pulled the covers around him, but that night he came awake and saw me sitting on the bed, right next to him, holding up a duvet. He looked up at me and there was silence in the room. We could hear each other’s breathing. His eyes fluttered sleepily and I couldn’t help myself. I leaned in to kiss him, and he froze. I backed off the second I realized he wasn’t joining in.

This time the silence was awkward. “I’m sorry,” I tried to salvage the situation. “I shouldn’t have done that!”

I got up, to get away from him but he raised himself on his elbows and stared at me. “You… you caught me by surprise!” He had suddenly become shy and I felt absurd and foolish.

“I’m so sorry, this will never happen again…”

“I liked it.”

Did I hear that right? I swallowed my pride and asked again. “What?”

He was flushed. “I liked it.”

“Then why didn’t you try to kiss me back?”

He shook his head. “Just a knee-jerk reaction. Doesn’t mean anything.”

So, I decided to try again. “You want me to...?”

He was quick to respond. “Yes.”

I went up to him, and this time I leaned in standing and started kissing him slowly, and this time he responded and I realized how inexperienced he was but he tried to follow and replicate my actions. I broke off and I was grinning.  “You haven’t done that a lot, have you? Don’t lie to me. I can tell.”

He looked embarrassed. “I haven’t been with many guys,” he confessed. “Its not like anyone in school even knew that I was gay. I haven’t actually come out to anyone.”

“You never approached a guy? How could you live like that? Didn’t you want to fuck? You didn’t have urges?”

“Of course, I had urges! That’s why you have porn.”

“So, you do watch porn? That’s something I guess.”

“What, you don’t find me attractive anymore? Am I not experienced enough for you?”

“That’s not it, but maybe give a guy a heads up next time?”

“Well, we never talked about getting physical. I didn’t know.”

“You’re right,” I said. “We never did talk about it, so let’s have the talk.” I sat down with him on the bed and looked straight at him. “I feel this attraction for you, that I felt since the first time I saw you. You’re just… fuck… and those lips…” I hadn’t finished my sentence when I felt Adam getting on his knees on the bed, and he grabbed my shirt and he pulled me toward him and he started kissing me. It was the hottest thing I’d experienced. And fuck, that guy was a fast learner. I was certain that I was going to get addicted to him, and he’d break my heart somehow and it terrified me. But I couldn’t stop what came next. We launched into this extremely hot make out session, lips touching, teeth grazing, hands going everywhere…

“Fuck, Adam!” I whispered. “Do you want me to go further?”

“Yeah!” he said and we went back to kissing, until he broke off abruptly. “There’s just one more thing I should probably tell you though, it’s no big deal!”

“Tell me!”

He was trying to get me to open the front of my shirt. “I’ve never been with a guy before.”

It was like he just poured cold water on my dick. That’s exactly what it felt like. “You’ve never been with a guy?” I said, and added hopefully, “so how many girls have you been with?”

He looked strangely at me. “I could never be with a girl.”

I stopped him abruptly from opening the front of my shirt by grabbing his wrists. It was more to stop myself from having any further interaction, than to stop him. “So, let me clarify that,” I said. “You’ve never been with anyone before?”

He was now flushing a deep red. “I should have said that before.”

I couldn’t believe this was happening. “You think?”

He was always quick at sensing my anger. “Please, don’t be mad at me.”

I rolled my eyes and huffed. “I’m not mad at you. This is all just a lot to take in.”

I pushed past him and stood by the door, held it open. “Perhaps it’s best if you sleep in your own bed tonight.”

He looked disappointed when I said that. What did he expect? I’m not normal! I don’t react normally to things. It was just something I needed to deal with alone. Watching him leave my room was hard. Those puppy dog eyes were sad. How could I be so cruel! But I couldn’t stop reacting with anger.

The minute he left, I shut the door in his face and went back to bed.

But sleep wouldn’t come that night. 

I couldn’t even jerk off because every time I tried to think about sex, his face popped up in front of me and I had to force myself from going further. He was too young, too fucking naïve to be with a guy like me. I’m sure he had dreams and aspirations that didn’t involve a guy fifteen years older than him.

How could I let him latch on to me just because I was helping him by letting him stay here. I wanted to know if he could differentiate between desire and love. I loved that boy,  I loved taking care of him and I loved having him around.

Adding a physical encounter to the equation might ruin everything. Not to forget, it felt predatory considering that I was in a position of power.

It couldn’t work.

Relationships like that are forever doomed.

I was the responsible adult here, I would have to find a way to forget about Adam. To stop thinking about him in that capacity. I glanced at the watch on the bedside table. Three in the morning.

Dammit, why the fuck can’t I sleep?