Chapter 26 – Hope

 

The next morning…

 

I hear a knock at my door and I can’t help but tense. 

I never in all my life thought hope would be an emotion I’d wish to squash—stamp out and kill—like one would wish to kill a weed ruining a beautiful bed of flowers.  But that’s what I want to do.  Every time my phone rings, dings with a text or even when someone comes to my door, which has happened often since I returned to my depressing apartment, there it is.  It washes through me making me warm, nervous, full of anticipation and dread, all at the same time. 

Hope. 

I’ve never hated anything more.  As much as I want to, I can’t make it stop. 

Because when I answer my phone, read a text or open the door, I’m not only disappointed, sad and depressed, but I feel gutted all over again.  Damn the hope.  I’m so sick of feeling this way and it’s starting to piss me off that I can’t shake it.  And hating the hope has thrown a blanket of resentfulness over me, building the anger. 

I go to my door and pull in a breath as I open it, doing my best to beat down the damn hope.  But I’m taken aback when I look up into his face.

“Hey,” Brian says, looking as tense as I feel. 

Although tense, he looks different.  Tired, disheveled or maybe strung out.  I know he’d never be strung out, so I ignore all this when his eyes dart behind me, looking quickly around my apartment.

I don’t feel like being cordial or friendly, so I frown, “What do you want?”

“You’re back,” he says, not answering me.

“What do you mean, ‘I’m back’?” I ask, not moving to invite him in.

He stuffs his hands in his pockets, stepping backwards, “I mean, I drove by and saw your car.  I haven’t seen it here for a long time.  I thought I’d stop, see how you are.”

“I’m fine,” I throw back.

“How’s everything else?” he asks, narrowing his eyes on me.

“Great,” I spout.  “I had a big event yesterday, it went perfectly and I have two potential bookings from it.  Charlotte’s working on advertising for me, she’s picked up two new clients in two days, I’m thinking about hiring her.  Gabby took over my blog, you know, for fun.  It’s going over well, so I might expand my following.  I’m on my way to see Rosa, I haven’t seen her in a while and I miss her.  So see, everything’s great.”

“Do you miss me?” he asks.

I feel my mouth drop before glaring, “You cannot be serious.”

“I am,” he answers.

“You pulled away from me,” I remind him, raising my voice. 

He takes his hands out of his pockets, leaning on the door frame and asks, “You still with him?”

I can’t help that his words feel like a knife, and my voice immediately drops to a hush, “That’s none of your business.”

“You’re not,” he ascertains.

I pull my lips in and take a calming breath.  I do my best to give him a blank look and say as strongly as I can, “No.”

“I told you he’d hurt you,” he states.

I close my eyes and try not to let that knife turn.  When I look up again, I say, “I’m not happy with you.  I’m not happy you gave me an ultimatum, putting our friendship on the line.  I’m not happy you wished anything ill for me and you know you did.  I’m not happy in general right now, but I’m really not happy with you.  I don’t want to see you, I’m on my way to see Rosa.”

With that, I slam the door on him.  And lock it. 

*****

“You came to see me but you’re not going to talk to me?” Rosa asks. 

“Quit asking me about him and maybe I’ll talk to you,” I say licking my fudgesicle stick clean. 

“Leigh told me a little bit about your fellow.  She also told me you won’t talk about it.  She said it had to do with having kids, he doesn’t want anymore.”

There must be something about being eighty-five that allows you to be blunt and say anything you want without remorse. 

“Well, there you go, Rosa.  There’s nothing for me to talk about since you already know everything,” I say.

“Maybe he’ll change his mind,” she states.

I look over at my sweet friend and give her a small smile, “He’s not going to change his mind.”

“Maybe I should talk to him,” she says, looking away from me, I’m sure trying to think of a strategy to win back my “fellow”.

“That’s sweet, but no.  I’m sure I’ll get over it,” I sigh.

She looks back quickly, “Child, I’ve seen him with you.  I expected a ring on your finger before I ever expected this.”

I look away, trying to breathe deep.  I don’t know what I expected when things started between Cam and I, but it wasn’t this.  I fell fast and hard, thinking he felt the same.  I would have guarded myself if I ever thought something like this would come between us. 

“Paige?” she calls softly.

I look back frowning.

“What are you thinking, child?” she asks, even softer.

I feel my tears build instantly, probably from her soft, caressing voice.  And as much as I’ve wallowed, these are the first tears I’ve shed since Cam left me for good in Charlotte’s kitchen.  I’ve bravely kept them at bay for almost a week.

I swallow hard and whisper, “I’m afraid it’s me.  I can’t help but think if he wanted me more, wouldn’t he do anything?  Give me anything?  But then again if I wanted him more, shouldn’t I be able to give up what I want to have him?  I guess it’s nothing more than a standoff.  But it’s over and it hurts.”

“Come here,” she calls with her arms out, flipping her fingers toward herself, showing me what she wants.  I move over on the sofa and she pulls me into her soft, fragile arms, holding me tight against her squishy body.  She whispers her wisdom against the side of my head as my tears flow, “Never underestimate the power of tears, Paige.  You let it out, it’ll make you feel better.  There’re other gentlemen out there in the wild and you’ll find yours.  When you do, you make sure he hands you the world and not an ounce less.  You want your own babies?  You should have them and your fellow should be honored to give them to you.  But if I could bet my old age on it, I bet that boy will come around.  And when he does, you make me proud and welcome him with open arms, don’t make him work for it.  That’s not what a lady does.  You promise me that, child.” 

That’s not going to happen, but I sniff and obey in a shaky voice anyway, “I promise.”

“Okay,” she says, giving me one more squeeze.  “Now, what did you bring to eat?  I’m hungry.  I fed you a fudgesicle first because your color is off.  We both need to eat.”

I start to move when she grabs my hand, halting me.  I look over and she says, “Love you, child.”

I lean into her one more time to hug her and whisper, “Love you, too, Rosa.”

Pulling back, she smiles as I wipe my face, doing my best to grin before going to Rosa’s kitchen where I put the extra food I made her from my event last night.  I need to feed my friend.

*****

Four weeks later…

 

The second I hear it, I open my eyes and without meaning to, my hand fists the sheets. 

Fuck, when will I stop doing that?  It’s been five weeks. 

Five long weeks where I’ve been irritable, with everyone and everything.  School started two weeks ago and we’re full-on into the football season.  I’m trying to focus on what I need to focus on, but it’s exhausting. 

I’ve got one win under my belt and my new quarterback, Brett Sullivan, is working out better than I thought he would.  He’s worked hard over the summer and bulked up in the gym.  He’s been accurate and even threw a Hail Mary Friday night to come back for the win.  He’s starting to gain interest of some bigger schools.  If he keeps this up, there’s a good chance he could get a full ride with a top program.

Jordy and Cara are a different story.  They stopped asking if Paige would come back a couple weeks ago.  I told them I decided it was best that Paige and I stopped seeing each other.  Cara was sad and reminded me how sad she was repeatedly for the first two weeks.  Jordy on the other hand was different.

Jordy would ask why.  He asked what Paige did to make me want her to leave.  I explained many times she didn’t do anything.  Then he asked what I did to make her want to leave.  That was a tougher question, because there’s no doubt in my mind I made her leave.  It didn’t matter how I explained it, Jordy was angry and decided to focus his anger on Paige.  I’ve done what I could to make that right, but in the end, he’s mad she left.  I knew Jordy and Paige became close after fucking Bekki’s ordeal, but I had no idea the extent of his hold on her.  He’s mad and underneath his anger, I know he’s hurt.  Every time I look at my son, I know I caused that. 

There’s no way I could give her what she wants.  I fucked up with her, wanting her so bad I didn’t think of the future—her future and what she’d want out of life.  I was a selfish asshole who only thought about what I wanted.  But I wanted her bad.

Now, I love my kids and we’ve done okay, the three of us.  I know I don’t do it perfect by myself, but we’ve managed.  And I don’t mean financially.  I’ve got my trust fund.  I’ve only had to touch it once and that was to pay my attorney fees for the divorce and custody battle the first time.  But when fucking Bekki checked out of our lives, I knew that was it.  I was done.  To watch my kids grow up without a mom they deserve is gut-wrenching.  It’s hard enough going it alone with two—never will I chance it again.  I made that decision long ago.

But fuck if life wasn’t sweet for a short time.  So sweet.  It didn’t feel like I was barely managing day-to-day.  And I never realized at the time how good sweet was until I sent her away.  Who knew how easy life could feel when it’s made sweet.  It took the last five weeks—since the day I left her in her sister’s kitchen—to learn that life stopped being easy for me the day I met fucking Bekki. 

As much as I want sweet and easy, there’s no way I can chance having more kids.  What you think is good can be ripped away.  I’ve learned that lesson.

At least that’s what I always thought until I tasted sweet and then spent five weeks missing it.  The mind has a tendency to wander.  As time goes by, mine’s been wandering all over the place.

I reach for my ringing cell and see it’s just after three in the morning.  I frown when I see who it is and say, “Dad?”

“Cam,” he starts, his voice rough.  “Son.”

I sit up in bed, “What’s wrong?”

“Your mom’s in the hospital.  She woke up with chest pains, wouldn’t let me call an ambulance.  I gave her an aspirin and drove her myself.  That woman, so frustrating.  We’ve only been here a few minutes but they think she’s had a heart attack.  They’re waiting for a few more tests to see what’s happened,” he breathes.

“She gonna be okay?” I ask.

“We’re waiting to see, they mentioned some kind of stent to open her up or bypass surgery, but they need to know more first.  We’re hoping for the stent, your mama will be madder than a wet hen if she has to have a bypass,” he says.

I rub my face, “Keep me posted.  I’ll see if I can get a few days off, pull the kids from school.  We’ll drive down and see her.  I need to be at the game Friday if she’s doing okay.  I’ll meet with the team Saturday for postgame and practice.  I can probably drive down Sunday.”

“Your mom’ll like that.  I’ll call when I know somethin’,” he says before we disconnect. 

I fall back on my pillow and stare up at the dark ceiling. 

Today’s Wednesday, I’ll see if I can get a substitute scheduled for a few days next week as long as she’s okay.  We can drive down Sunday, stay a day or two. 

I close my eyes, thinking about my mom’s health, thinking about my dad who’ll be worried about my mom and then think about having to tell the kids about it tomorrow.  I roll to my side with nothing to look at besides my empty bed and lonely pillow.  I reach for that pillow, the same one that once had her wild dark hair strewn all over it in her sleep when she hogged my bed, and I throw it across the room. 

Fuck.

Knowing there’s no way I’ll go back to sleep, I do what I’ve done too many times over the past five weeks.  I get up, throw on dirty clothes from my floor and go to the basement.  The only way to work this shit out is to hit my weights. 

*****

Saturday evening…

 

“This trip took forever,” Jordy complains.

“I’m hungry,” Cara joins in.

“You both need to settle down, we’re here,” I say as I approach the entrance to the ranch. 

My mom had a heart attack.  It wasn’t massive, but it wasn’t minor.  There was minimal damage, but it was a heart attack all the same.  She had one artery that was ninety percent blocked, they were able to do a stent and avoid bypass surgery.  This all happened Wednesday morning, she’s been home since Friday. 

I stayed for Friday’s game, which we won handily.  Sullivan was even better than last week.  He’s either worked out his kinks or nerves and he was damn good in his second game.  He connected with three receivers from long distances and even ran the ball over a hundred and twenty yards.  Not just that, but he’s a good kid.  I don’t have to worry about his grades every Thursday, making sure he’ll be eligible to play Friday night. 

The game went so well, I felt comfortable leaving the post-game meeting and practice today to my assistants, driving down a day early.   I didn’t call, the kids can surprise them.

I pull up and press the button to call the house and after waiting longer than normal, I finally hear Jen’s voice, “Hello?”

“It’s me, buzz me in,” I say.

I don’t hear anything for a second when she asks, “Cam?”

“Yeah, buzz me in,” I repeat.

“I thought you were coming tomorrow,” I hear over the speaker.

“I got away early and the kids wanted to surprise mom and dad.  Are you going to open the gate or make me wait?” I growl.

“Um…sorry.  See you in a minute,” she says, hanging up on me.

“What’s wrong with Aunt Jen?” Jordy asks.

“Who knows,” I mutter.

“I’m soooo hungry,” Cara whines again.  “We didn’t have a goodie bag and you wouldn’t get us any candy or cokes when we stopped to potty and lunch was for-eeever ago.”

“Dad, make her shut up,” Jordy groans.

“Jordy,” I warn, but I secretly agree.  If I have to listen to her whine about a goodie bag and remind me of our last trip with Paige one more time, I’m gonna come apart.  She asked for an entire hour if we could stop at the airport for lunch like we did last time.  I’ve decided we’re never stopping there again.

I pull around to the side of the house where we can unload the car quicker.  It’s past dinner time and almost dark.  The kids climb out and I go to the back, grabbing what I can while they run to the side door of the kitchen ahead of me. 

Making my way behind them, I’m almost to the door when I hear Cara scream with delight, “Yay!  Paige is here!”

I look down when I almost run Jordy over because he’s stopped in the doorway. 

Looking up from my son, I see her standing in the middle of my mother’s kitchen at the same time the smell assaults me.  The second I realize I’m smelling the after effects of her broccoli, I realize she’s here.  In Texas.  At my parents’ house. 

“Cam,” I hear my dad say and look over where he and Jen are standing near Paige in the kitchen.

I feel my face go hard for some reason and when I look back to Paige, all the color has drained from hers.  Her brown eyes go big, seemingly as surprised to see us as we are her.  Then they close slowly and she drops her head. 

“We weren’t expecting you ‘til tomorrow, son.  This is a nice surprise,” my dad says in a controlled voice I hardly ever hear from him.

“Really?” I ask, looking back to him and my sister, both appearing uncomfortable since they’ve been caught in the middle of something.  What—I have no fucking clue.  I’d like someone to tell me why the woman I stopped seeing is here, at my childhood home, with my family, after my mother had a heart attack. 

Cara flings herself at Paige, wrapping her arms around her hips forcing Paige to open her eyes to look down at my daughter.

“We came early to surprise Grammy and you surprised us!” Cara yells.

She gives my happy daughter a small smile as she puts her hands to Cara’s cheeks, “It looks like it.”

“We get to stay two days and skip school!  Are you staying with us?” Cara asks, looking up to her.

I watch Paige smile sadly, looking over my girl’s face before running her fingers through Cara’s hair when she answers in a small voice, “No, sweet girl.  I’m flying out early tomorrow morning.  I just came to see your Grammy.  You should go see her, she’ll be so happy to see you.”

“Okay,” Cara sings and starts to head out of the kitchen to find my mom.

“Cara,” I call for her and she stops to look back.  “Remember what I said, no jumping on her.  You need to be gentle.”

My five-year-old daughter rolls her eyes at me and says as she skips out of the room, “I know.”

“Hi, Jordy,” I hear Paige say.

Jordy, still standing in the open doorway in front of me looks at Paige but doesn’t say a word.  I give him a nudge, “Go with your sister.”

He looks up at me, his face like stone and I have to give him another nudge before he moves.  Finally, he walks through the kitchen without saying a word to anyone.

“I need to pack,” I hear and look back to Paige who’s looking at me.  She lets her gaze hang for an instant before turning to Jen, “Do you mind cleaning this up?”

“No, girl.  Go pack.  I got it covered,” Jen says.

Paige throws her kitchen towel on the counter and moves around everyone to leave without another word.  I finally move in, slam the door and drop my bags. 

Jen crosses her arms and glares at me, “You’re an asshat.”

I sigh and look to the ceiling.

“Go see your mom, son,” my dad ignores Jen.

“And a shithead,” she goes on and when I look back, she’s frowning.

“Cam,” my dad calls to me.

“Your idiocy has reached epic heights.  You’re the king of the jackwagons, Campbell Montgomery.  You’re going to go down in the books as a first class donkey face with a pile of shit on your head – ” my sister’s just getting started when my dad finally steps in.

“Jensen!” he bellows.  “Shut your mouth and act your age.”

I look between my dad and Jen, not believing my family and shake my head.  Then I move silently out of the kitchen and around those who apparently feel the need to torture me further with the woman I can’t get out of my fucking head, no matter how badly I want to.  I head to see my mother, who will surely make Jen look like a ladybug. 

Maybe the heart attack calmed her spirits. 

*****

Something to know, heart attacks don’t calm the spirits of old women from Texas.  Of course they don’t.  I got the same and more from my mother than I did from my sister, only without the curse words. 

Then she complained about the hospital, the doctors, the procedure and finally the nutritionist they required her to meet with before she could leave the hospital.  From the way she was wound up, I felt sorry for the nutritionist and bet he or she was rethinking their career choice after having to counsel Hattie Montgomery on her eating habits.

I got the kids ready for bed and thanked God the house is big.  I’ve avoided Paige since we got here.  I’m hungry and on my way back down to the kitchen, thinking I need to get more shit to eat on road trips, when I pass my parents’ bedroom. 

“I’ve never paid any attention to Plinko,” I hear her say to my mother and stop outside the doorway. 

“Those people are stupid,” my mother complains.  “You don’t drop the disk so far to the side.  It has to be two from the middle.  I don’t think it matters if it’s left or right.  I’ve seen it work both ways.  If people are going to be on the Price is Right, you’d think they’d know how to play Plinko.”

Paige laughs a small laugh and after another few moments, I hear her sigh, “I shouldn’t have come, Hattie.”

“Don’t say that.  Whatever’s going on, you two’ll work it out.  I know it,” my mom answers and I lean into the wall.  I didn’t tell my parents why I ended things.  With her being here, I thought for sure she would have told them.  Especially the way Jen berated me. 

“I don’t think that’s going to happen,” she answers.  “He’s angry I’m here.  I shouldn’t have kept in contact with Jen and Ellie, I’ll make sure that stops.”

“That’s silly,” my mother says.

“Hattie,” she calls for my mom.  “I’m so happy you’re okay.  I made lots of healthy food to stock your freezer.  You really need to try it, I think you’ll be surprised.  Please try and take care of yourself.”

“I want you to come back soon,” my mom insists. 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” she says.

“Pish-posh.  It’s my house and I can have anyone here I want,” my hard-headed mother keeps on.

“My flight’s early—Jen and I have to leave before five.  I’ll say goodbye now, okay?”

“Thanks for comin’,” my mom says. 

“Take care of yourself, Hattie,” Paige says before I hear her move.

When she comes around the corner, she stops at the sight of me.  She shifts uncomfortably, and hell if that doesn’t remind me of the way she used to squirm for me.  I don’t say a word and she finally turns to go upstairs.  I squeeze my eyes shut and take in a big breath before I move, but I don’t go to the kitchen.  I go straight to the bar. 

*****

I can’t sleep.

I knew I shouldn’t have come.  When Jen called and told me about Hattie, I made an offhand comment that if I were there I’d stock her fridge with healthy food that tasted good.  Jen called Ellie and they both called me, insisting I should come, saying it would make their mom happy and I could be gone before Cam got here. 

Well, I certainly wasn’t gone before Cam got here.  But now I can’t get out of here fast enough and of course, I can’t sleep.  I get up and throw on my sweatpants, tiptoeing through the house.  I have no idea where Cam is or what room he’s sleeping in.  I managed to avoid Cara and Jordy the rest of the night.  It was more than painful to see all three of them. 

Opening the back door, I move to the pool and curl up on a lounge.  The night air is cooler than it was the last time I was here.

I look out to the wide open space.  I’m looking at the barn lit up by the moonlight when I hear something and look back.  Cam is coming out of the house holding a heavy decanter filled with copper colored liquid in one hand and a crystal cut highball glass in the other.  He slams the door loudly and looks straight at me before tossing back the contents of his glass.  Without saying a word, he comes my way.  Claiming the lounge beside me, he steps over to straddle it unceremoniously before falling back with a sigh.  The decanter clinks against the glass as he pours himself another drink and then, so loudly I’m surprised it didn’t break, he bangs it roughly on the stone of the patio. 

I look over to get a good look and he’s drinking bourbon, but tonight he’s drinking it straight.  He leans his head back and closes his eyes, appearing exhausted.  And I’m pretty sure he’s had too much to drink.

He says nothing so I state, “Jordy hates me.”

He doesn’t open his eyes or move a muscle, “Yep.”

Well then.  Sometimes it really sucks to be right.

I go on, “I shouldn’t have come.  Your sisters kept in touch with me.  I like them so I didn’t discourage it, but I will.  They thought your mom might like it if I came.  It was a mistake.”

Again, he doesn’t turn his head or look at me and repeats with his eyes closed, “Yep.”

Okay, enough is enough.

I turn to move off my lounge when he stops me, looking over.  He sort of slurs with sleepy eyes, “Shoulda never’ve taken you.”

I blink, taken back by his words.

“I’m a selfish mother-fucker.  I wanted you more than I’ve ever wanted anything.  I didn’t think.  Didn’t think about the future.  What you’d want, what I’d want, just couldn’t help myself,” he bites angrily.

I don’t know what to say, so I roll to get up and leave.  This isn’t good and I’ve no desire to hear what else he has to say.

He senses my exit and grabs my hand, yanking me back down where I’m sitting sideways on my lounge, facing him.  Not letting go, his touch sears my skin.  I’ve craved his touch over the past weeks, but this is different.  He’s holding on tight to keep me where I am.

“Should’ve left you to give yourself to someone willing to give you what you want.  But I didn’t.  I took you and fucked it up for you.  I fucked it up,” he slurs on.  I try and pull my hand away but he grasps me tighter, almost to the point of being painful and asks, “Why’d you come?”

“I love your mom, you know that.  And your family, they’re great,” I say quietly, ignoring everything else he said. 

He immediately let’s go of my hand and huffs while shaking his head mumbling, “You love everyone.”

“You’re probably right,” I say standing and all of a sudden, I’ve had enough.  He’s the one who ended things with me when I all but begged him to give it a chance, at least think about it.  He has no right to play the martyr here, even if it is the alcohol talking.  I’m done.  But before I leave, I decide I have to tell him.  I lean down and put my hand to his jaw, feeling his goatee and rough whiskers from a few days growth.  Even though I miss the feel of his face in my hand, I forge on and pull his chin up to find him frowning.  Leaning closer, I look into his blue eyes and brush his cheek with my thumb.  Then, because I can’t help it and I’ve missed him so much it’s painful, I put my lips to the hinge of his jaw below his ear and kiss him softly before whispering the truth, “I might love everyone.  But Cam, I loved you.”

And then, I have to get away.  I stand, not looking back because there’s no way I can look and stay strong.  I walk toward the house, but before I pull the door shut behind me, I hear the shatter of crystal across the patio.