Chapter 24 – That’s It

 

“What should I do next?” I ask Hattie as I go to the sink to drain the grease off the hamburger I just browned.

We’re working in the kitchen preparing dinner.  After Cam and I got back from shooting and having barn sex, the kids wanted to swim one more time.  I just got out of the shower while Cam and the kids went off somewhere with Kipp. 

Hattie talks a mile a minute.  I’ve learned over the course of my time in Texas that she spends most of her time in the kitchen and she loves game shows.  She told me when she discovered the Game Show Network on satellite TV, she was so excited she “almost tinkled her panties.” 

We’re making what she told me was one of Cam’s favorite dishes, Mexican Casserole, and watching an old rerun of Family Feud.  Cam seems to eat everything I make with gusto, I had no idea Mexican Casserole was a favorite.  I was making mental notes, but the more ingredients she pulls out, I’ve decided to come up with my own version.

“Don’t drain too much o’ the grease, it adds flavor,” she warns me.  I cringe internally and quickly drain as much as I can before she knocks me caddywompas.  “Mix that with the beans, onions, green chilies and sour cream.  Then we’ll layer it with the tortillas and smother it at the end.”

I’m afraid to ask what we’re going to “smother” it with, but I do as I’m told. 

“I can’t tell you how surprised we were when Cam called and said he was bringin’ you home,” she says in a serious tone that I’ve never heard.  Her tone forces me to still at the sink before turning with the huge pan of browned hamburger in my hands.  Hattie’s eyes are on her task, stirring something with vigor at the island, probably the smothering ingredients.  She doesn’t look up when she says to the bowl, “That woman did a number on him.  God forgive me when I say, I hope she burns in hell.”

I don’t know what to say.  There’s really nothing to say other than I agree, but that doesn’t seem appropriate.  Instead, I haul my hamburger to the layering ingredients that are ready to mix.

Hattie doesn’t need any help conversing and goes on, “Years, that woman moaned and complained about her life.  She wouldn’t be happy if Jesus came down and handed her a five dollar bill.   Wanted, wanted, wanted, that woman did.  Cam did what he could and worked hard to make her happy, but it was all for naught.  Now don’t you tell a soul,” she finally looks up and points her cheesy spoon in my direction.  “As much as I wanted my Cam to come home and work for Kipp, I was always secretly happy he never brought her here to live.  She’s meaner than a sack full o’ rattle snakes.  And stupid,” she flicks the spoon, cheesy mixture flipping across the island before she sticks it back in the bowl.  “When Cam called and told us about her latest stunt, stealin’ peoples private information, I shouldn’t’ve been surprised, but still, I ‘bout fell off my rocker.”

“Yes, that was stupid,” I agree.

“And Cam told us what you did,” she gives me her serious face.  “You stepped in to keep my grandbabies safe, so I loved you before you crossed the Red River into Texas.  But don’t ever do anything like that again, you hear?”

“I hope I won’t ever have to,” I say.

“No, you won’t,” she agrees emphatically, stirring away.  “Your daddy made sure my Cam’ll have his babies for good, although I wish he’d send a bill.  Your daddy sounds like a good man.  But I shouldn’t question that, he raised you.”

“Thanks, Hattie.  He is,” I smile.

“But that woman,” she continues as she slops two bricks of softened cream cheese into the already thick mixture.  “Cam could barely get a business loan because of the credit card debt she jacked up behind his back.  And he wouldn’t let us give him the money or take it out of his Trust.  He went it alone, just like always.  He might as well of been a single dad before he finally left her for good.  She was always out with her stupid girlfriends, never being a mama to her kids.  One time, she showed up drunk to Jordy’s preschool. Drunk, if you can believe.  He was playing the part of Joseph in the Nativity and she showed up snockered after having drinks at lunch.  I wouldn’t’ve believed it if we weren’t there to see it with our own eyes.  Cam had to pull her outta the building ‘cause she was cheerin’, making a spectacle.  And don’t even get me started on her showin’ up to Highland football games looking like a Saturday Night Special on Broadway just to get attention.  She embarrassed Cam more times than a hen can lay eggs.”

I stand here at the layering station with my mouth gaping.  Cam said Bekki put him through hell, but I never in my wildest dreams imagined he had to deal with all that.  No wonder he doesn’t want to talk about her.  But all this makes me uncomfortable.  Cam hasn’t shared any of this, not that he owes it to me.  It feels weird learning it from his mom and not him. 

“Hattie – ” I try to tell her to stop, but she ignores me.

“As happy as I am he’s rid of her for good, I hated the way it happened for my Cam.  When he walked in on her with that man in their bed, I’m surprised he didn’t come outta his skin.  He kicked her out then and there, hardly lettin’ her come back to get her stuff,” she says.

Holy shit.  Bekki cheated on him? 

“Then she tries to make sweet, doin’ everything she could to get him back ‘cause she knew she was put out to pasture.  She even tried to work her way back in through us.  Well, don’t pee down my back and tell me it’s raining.  We cut her out quicker than snot.  My poor Cam, even during the divorce she – ”

“Hattie,” I interrupt.  “Cam hasn’t told me any of this.”

She stops stirring and looks surprised, “He hasn’t?”

“No,” I say.  “He told me it was bad, really bad.  He doesn’t like to talk about it.”

“Well,” she exhales.  “Why would he?  I guess I’ll stop, but I have to say, we’re happier than a dog with two peters he found you.  I haven’t seen my Cam this happy in a long time.  And the way you are with my grandbabies is a cherry on my sundae.” 

“Thanks,” I say giving her a small smile but do it with a pit in my stomach.  I hate that Cam went through all that and I have a feeling she barely hit the tip of the iceberg.  But I hate more that Cam doesn’t know that I know.  That makes me feel weird and I’m going to have to find a way to tell him. 

“Get that mixed,” she bosses me.  “Then you can go find Cam.  They’re probably in the media room.”

“Sound good,” I say.

We mix, layer, layer and layer again.  Just when I think the oversized pan is full, Hattie hefts the huge bowl of cheesy mixture and smothers it, letting it sink down into the meat and tortillas.  Then, if it can be believed, she tops it with what looks like ten pounds of shredded cheddar cheese. 

She goes to the sink and says, “Put that in the oven, will you?”

“Sure,” I say, lugging it to her fancy oven that looks a little like Cam’s.  Holy shit, this thing is heavier than a Thanksgiving turkey stuffed to the gills.  I’m going to have to go on a major diet when I get home.  I close the oven and think that boot camp would not have only helped me shooting, but also eating at the Montgomery’s. 

*****

“Look at you go,” Jordy says without looking away from the screen. 

“I wasn’t bad,” I say, turning Griff in my arms.  We’re reclining in a chair and I’m holding him on my chest while he reaches for my face.  My brother-in-law needs to get off the fucking phone and spend some time with his family. 

“There you are,” I hear her and turn. 

She walks in with damp hair, letting it dry on its own with a wave.  I can’t help but think about her in the barn this morning.  She’s come a long way and every day I have with her, she plants that seed in me deeper.  In fact, it’s starting to sprout and grow.  I can’t keep it at bay any longer.

“We’re watching dad’s old games,” Jordy says.

“Really?” she smiles and settles on the arm of my chair, giving me her soft face.  “I get to see you play football?”

“Jordy likes to watch me run,” I say.

“My boy was faster than a bell clapper in a goose’s ass,” Kipp says.

Jordy laughs and Paige asks, “What number were you?”

“Thirty-three,” I say, bouncing Griff.

“Watch Paige, here he goes,” Jordy says, knowing this play by heart.  He always gets my dad to pull my old college games when we’re here.

Paige looks to the big screen where a much younger me runs out to tag a long throw, turning to outrun the defense for the touchdown.  She looks down with big eyes and says grinning, “You were fast.  Did you have a touchdown dance?”

“Darlin’, only an idiot celebrates a job he’s expected to do.  Isn’t that right Jordy?”

Jordy rolls his eyes, clearly thinking it’s fun to celebrate and mutters, “I guess.”

“I didn’t know Mexican Casserole was your favorite,” Paige states with a half grin.  “But now I know how to make it.”

Before I answer, I hear and feel Griff fill his diaper as he sits on me.  I instantly pick him up under his arms and move to stand.  Jordy makes a face like he’s grossed out.  I look down at Paige and kiss on top of her head, “It was when I was ten.  Beef Wellington’s my new favorite.  I’m gonna give him to Ellie.  I’ve changed all the diapers I plan on changing.  Those days are behind me.  She can do it.  Dinner almost ready?”

She looks up to me with surprise before blinking it away and says, “About fifteen minutes, I think.”

“Great, I’m starving,” I move around her to get Griff to Ellie before he stinks up the house. 

*****

I pull in my driveway and watch the door go up with her car parked inside.  The kids jump out, tired of being in the car for over twelve hours and are ready to run off some energy.  I look over and Paige is collecting all her bags from her feet.  She had more snacks stashed away for the kids on the ride home.  They were so happy, I’m not sure they’ll ever be able to go on a road trip without a “goodie bag.”

But Paige has been different since last night. Not quiet, but not herself.  When I asked about it before bed, she said she had cramps and was expecting her period.  I’ve only been with her for six weeks, but she didn’t act like this last month.  She said she was tired and tucked into me, hung on tight and fell asleep in my arms.  I know it took her longer to find sleep than normal because she always rolls away.  When she finally did, she slept fitfully, twisting and turning. 

I know this, too, since I’ve developed a habit of reaching for her and she woke me multiple times through the night.

This morning she put on a fake face to say goodbye to my family, not to mention all day in the car with the kids and me.  She worked quietly for hours on her phone, saying she was catching up on her blog, responding to followers and planning for the following week.  She might be behind, but I can’t imagine this is all because of her period and work, but who knows.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been around a woman twenty-four seven, and I can’t count Bekki as a normal woman. 

Maybe it is.  But I have a feeling it’s not and I couldn’t talk about it on the way home with the kids listening.

She heaves her stuff up on her shoulder, collecting her things.  I follow suit, meeting her in front of the garage where she’s heading to her car.

“What are you doing?” I ask.

She doesn’t look at me when she says, “I’m so behind, I think I’m gonna go home tonight.  You know, get a few hours of work in, maybe catch up before tomorrow.”

“Paige?” I call for her and she looks up to me, her eyes tired.  “What in the hell’s wrong?”

She frowns and gives her head a shake, “Nothing.  I’m just behind on work and need to do laundry.  I’ve got a big event coming up.  I need to get back into it.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about,” I bite out, stepping closer and bring a hand to her face.  “You’ve done all that shit here for the last five weeks.  You’ve turned funny.  Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.”

“Cam, please,” she starts and brings her hands up to my arm.  “I’m tired, I don’t feel good and I’m behind.  I need to go home.  Just give me one night.”

“I don’t like you there,” I say, because I don’t.  I want her here.  There’s something about her apartment I don’t like.  I felt it the first time I stepped through her door.

She ignores me and says, “I’ll call you tomorrow.  Tell the kids goodnight, they’ve already run off to stretch and play.  I’ll be fine.”

My hand tenses on her face and I look down into her tired brown eyes.  The gold flecks framing the brown are dull compared to normal.  I lean down to kiss her and she comes up on her toes to reach me, deepening my kiss.  I pull her to me and wrap her up tight. 

Before I want her to, she pulls away and I plead, “Baby, stay.”

“I’ll call you tomorrow,” she says turning me down.

I exhale and want to say something, force her to tell me what’s going on, but I either don’t know what to say or can’t make myself say it.  I close my eyes and pull her to me, kissing her forehead.

I fucking don’t want to, but I let her go and watch her walk to her car, throwing her bags in the trunk.  I stand in my driveway and want to fucking scream as I watch her pull out and maneuver around my car, driving away from me on Athica Lane. 

“Where’s she going?” Jordy asks, running up to me and I hear Cara’s dog barking, excited we’re home. 

I look down at my son who isn’t happy to see her drive away, probably looking as confused as me right now.   I put a hand to his head and ruffle his hair that’s the same color as mine and try to smile, “She’s got to get some stuff done and catch up on work.”

This excuse settles as well with him as it did me and he frowns deeper, “Really?”

I ignore his question like any parent would who doesn’t know the answer and say, “Come on, let’s get our stuff inside.”

And with a fucking pit in my stomach, we move to the back of the car.

*****

I shouldn’t have come here—I should go to his house.  But I’m a big, fat chicken and can’t help it.  If I approach him here, I can get out quick if I need to. 

I made myself leave him last night when we got back from Texas.  I couldn’t stay and pretend nothing was wrong, not that I was doing a good job pretending.  I cried all the way to my apartment.  Then I took a shower in a shower I haven’t showered in for weeks before I went straight to bed.  A bed I haven’t slept in since the night Cam forced his way into my life and we slept together for the first time. 

I couldn’t take it so I got up and went to my sofa.  

Cam called me twice and I never answered.  I know it’s childish, but I’m being a big, fat chicken.  I texted him, explained I was working and I’d call him in the morning.  He was his normal curt self over text, but it came across sweet when he said he wasn’t happy I left and if it weren’t for his kids, he’d come to me.  Then he said if he didn’t hear from me first thing in the morning he was going to find me and “figure out what the fuck was going on in my head.” 

I think it was his longest text ever, even if it was curt.  This made me weepy all over again.  I really need to pull myself together.

Then I started my period and had real cramps instead of the fake cramps I’d been complaining about for a whole day.  Serves me right for being a liar and a big, fat chicken. 

I finally fell asleep on the sofa, but tossed and turned all night.

When I could sleep no more, I got up and got myself ready.  I knew he would be here and I need to know.  I need to know so badly.  At the same time, I want to ignore it and go back to living in the clouds, pretending everything will end the way I want.  The way I’ve dreamed of it ending.  Happy and perfect.  But I’m afraid his answer will give me the ending I’m scared of.

It’s pulling at me, back and forth.  I can’t take it.  I’ve decided I have to know.

I park at The Shed and see Zeke outside with my old boot camp group and he calls to me with his big white smile, “Hey girl.  You coming back to boot camp?”

“No.  Is Cam inside?” I ask.

“You’re a heart-breaker.  I think he’s in his office,” he keeps smiling.

I barely offer him a grin because my stomach’s turning and my heart’s pounding.

There’s the normal ass-kicking, bats swinging and exercising echoing through the big warehouse when I walk in.  I look to the office and see him standing behind his desk looking down at some papers.  My stomach flip-flops and I make my feet walk through the door, shutting it behind me to close out the noise.

Surprised, he looks up and I see something wash over his face.  The tension instantly leaving his body. 

“Hey,” he breathes, almost relieved.

I try and smile, but I know it’s lame and tired.  He starts to move around his desk to me when I say, “Wait.  I need to ask you something.”

He stops where he is and frowns, “Baby, what’s wrong?  I was worried about you all night.  I almost got Sophia to come stay with the kids so I could come to you, but I knew you wouldn’t want her in your business.”

“You said something,” I ignore him, needing to get it out, wanting it, but afraid of what I’m asking for.  “You said it like it was a fact, like there was nothing to think about.  You said it like you knew it down to your bones, like it’s as simple as the sky is blue or two and two make four.”

Frowning, he starts to move to me again but I put my hand up to stop him.  He implores, “Paige, what are you talking about?”

“You don’t want any more kids,” I spit it out.

His frown instantly disappears and his face turns blank.

Well.  There it is.

And my stomach drops to the floor.

“I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to say it like that.  I meant to ask it, but I think you just gave me your answer,” I whisper, taking a step back.

I see him pull in a deep breath and he puts a palm up to me, saying in a controlled voice, “We need to talk about this.”

“It’s the only thing I want,” I say, not able to control my shaking voice.

“Baby, let’s talk about this somewhere else,” he takes another step toward me, making me take another back, hitting the door.

Not able to control my voice or the tears welling in my eyes any longer, I go on, “It’s the only thing I want more than you.”

It’s his turn to take a step back.

I feel my tears fall and keep going, “And I want you so badly.”

“Paige – ” he tries, but I interrupt.

“I see it, clear as day.  A life with you.  With Jordy and Cara.  But I see more.”

“Baby, let me take you home so we can talk about this,” he pleads.

“I shouldn’t have to give up what I want because of her,” I say, my tears quietly running down my cheeks.

He flinches and his eyes narrow on me, whispering, “What?”

“I’m not her,” I blurt out.

I see his chest rise with his labored breaths and his voice turns hard, “I know you’re not her.”

“I would never do to you what she did,” I say before I know what I’m saying.

His voice turns as hard as his face and he bites out, “Excuse me?”

“That’s not me, I’d never give you babies and leave you to it.  I’d never be dishonest.  I’d never cheat on you.”

“How do you know about that?  I told you I never wanted to speak to you about her,” he seethes.

I wipe my face and say, “Your mom told me, but she didn’t know I didn’t know, but now I know.  Please don’t make me pay for what she did.  I want you and Jordy and Cara, but I want to have kids.  I want it more than anything.  I won’t give that up because of her.”

Cam stands stock still and stares at me, working his jaw.

“Please,” I whisper so softly I can barely hear myself. 

He slowly closes his eyes and drops his head.

“Cam?” I call for him one more time.

He doesn’t look up but he does shake his head.

Oh shit.  That’s it.

That’s it. 

I reach back to find the doorknob, and as quick as I can with my eyes to the ground, I escape, leaving with the answer I was so afraid of.