Bad Boy Brother by Chance Carter (62)

Wet

CHANCE CARTER

CHAPTER 1

KANE

Diary Entry

I want to make you wet.

The best way to make you wet is with my mouth. Specifically, my lips and tongue.

I’d lay you back on my bed, strip you naked, and slide my hands slowly up your legs. The sensation of my fingers lightly grazing your bare skin would cause a tingle. Instinctively, you’d open your legs. You’d close your eyes, arch your back, and let out a long sigh as you felt the warmth of my breath on your pussy.

Very softly, I’d blow on it, just enough to let you know I was there. I’d reach up and put my hands on your breasts, squeezing your nipples in my fingers, and softly kiss the lips of your pussy. A woman has two places on her body where you can make out with her, the lips of her mouth and the lips of her pussy. I love making out with both.

I’d touch my lips against yours, gently kissing your pussy, squeezing your nipples, before finally letting you feel the wet, soft, warmth of my tongue. My tongue would slide between your lips, entering you, and slide as far in as I could reach. Your moan would tell me I’m on the right track. Your legs rising up, your ankles resting on my shoulders, would tell me you wanted more.

I’d let my tongue curl and twist inside you, before sliding it up over your clit.

God, I love your clit. Your clit is like the tongue, and I’d let my tongue dance with it as I embraced you. I’d play with your folds, suck on them, softly massage them with my lips and tongue. I’d make you moan my name.

Do it now.

You know my name.

You know I want to hear it.

Moan my name as you imagine my mouth making out with your hot, delicious, beautiful, soaking wet pussy. It’s working, isn’t it? Admit it. You’re wet already. I’m not even there. I’m a million miles away, and already the thought of my warm, pink tongue is making you wet.

I’m sliding in and out of you. I’m sucking up your juices, relishing your secret, precious taste. I’m swallowing.

Your legs clench, your thighs tighten around my head, and you reach down to the back of my head and push me in deeper. You want me in there. A place you hold so sacred. So private. The place you guard more closely than any other. You want my mouth in there, drinking you, relishing you, sliding in and out of you.

You squirm and writhe on the bed as the pleasure builds. You feel my mouth move from your clit, my tongue sliding deep into your pussy, and then sliding down beneath you to your ass. I slide my tongue over the muscle of your anus and make you blush with embarrassment. You can’t believe I’m there. You can’t believe I’m doing this to you.

I lift your butt off the bed to get better access, and push my tongue into your butt.

You moan my name.

Then I slide my finger into your butt as my tongue slides back into your pussy.

“Oh, God,” you moan. “I’m cumming.”

You’re soaking wet now. My face is covered with saliva and your juice. I slide my entire face against your clit and feel a spasm of pleasure rush through your body, starting at the core of your being and flowing through your muscles like an electric pulse.

“I’m cumming,” you cry again, and I smile.

I know if I make you cum, if I make you cum on my face, that you’ll be mine forever. My property. My woman.

And you’ll never be able to say no to me.

I feel your orgasm on my face, the pulsing of your muscles, the contractions in your body, and when you finally cry out my name, I know you’re in a state of pleasure that will leave you completely powerless against me.

You’re defenseless now.

You’re all mine.

And I can do whatever I want to you.

I can cum in you.

I could cum in your mouth and you’d swallow me.

I could cum on your breasts and you’d beg for more.

I could rub lube over your asshole, slide my finger in and out of you, and when you were finally ready to take me, I could push my hard, firm, cock into your ass and make you scream with pleasure.

But that’s not what I want.

What I want is to cum in your pussy. I want to cum without a condom, not knowing whether my orgasm will make you pregnant with my child or not.

I want to pour my cum inside you, all the way deep inside you, to a place where no man’s cum has ever reached before. I want you to feel me flowing inside you. And I want you to wonder if maybe I made you pregnant. Because then, you’ll really be mine.

As soon as I feel your orgasm subside, I get up and strip off all my clothes. Your beautiful eyes look up at me and take in my full, naked body for the first time. You take in my chest, my abs, the patch of hair that leads down toward my cock.

When you see my cock, your eyes grow wide. I know you’ve never seen anything so big, so dangerous, so dominating. I’m fully erect, practically throbbing with anticipation for what I know is coming.

I look down at your pussy, warm, and soft and soaking wet.

“You ready?” I ask.

You nod but don’t say a word.

I climb onto the bed and grab your legs, pulling you up against me and putting your ankles on my shoulders. I look down at you. You’re begging me with your eyes to slide in.

I touch the lips of your pussy with the hard, swollen head of my cock. Your eyes beg me to fill you.

As I thrust forward, I pull you into me, sliding myself into your pussy, all the way to the shaft. You gasp in pleasure and delight, never having felt anything so big inside you before.

I grab you by the hips and hold you in place while I slide out, then pull you against me again as I ram back into you. I do this over and over, each thrust getting me deeper inside you, each forceful movement bringing me closer to the point of climax.

I look into your eyes.

“I’m going to cum in you,” I say.

You’re shocked. You have no idea what to say. You didn’t expect that.

But you’re eyes tell me you want it as badly as I do.

With every ounce of my strength, I thrust all the way to the core of your body, and my cock explodes in pleasure. My cum pours out of me and into you, linking us, body and soul, for eternity.

I’ll never be able to let you go now. You’re mine for life, and if I ever lost you, I’d die. I wouldn’t be able to live. As my cum flows into you, I know I love you. I know I want you forever. I know I want you to have my baby.

CHAPTER 2

MEADOW

I slammed my car into reverse, pulled down the driveway of my overpriced suburban mansion, and skidded onto the street with a screech of rubber. For a second I considered speeding back down the driveway and slamming into my husband’s Porsche. Really ramming it. That would teach him.

But I didn’t. I took a deep breath, passed the four motorcycles parked side by side at the end of the driveway, and drove off without looking back.

My hands gripped the steering wheel like I was holding onto it for dear life. I drove erratically, too fast, tearing around corners. If I didn’t calm down I was going to cause an accident.

The radio was playing some sad, girl-loves-boy, girl-loses-boy song. It was the type of song that normally would have had me crying in seconds.

But I was done crying. I was sick and tired of being sad, and frankly, I don’t think I had any tears left in me.

I changed the station.

Taylor Swift? Nah.

Commercials.

Commercials.

Justin Bieber? Sorry, no. This wasn’t the time for adolescent angst.

I hit the next preset.

Respect, by Aretha Franklin? Fuck, yes.

I cranked up the volume, opened the sunroof, grabbed my sunglasses and slid them on as I drove out of Palo Alto, screaming, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T, FIND OUT WHAT IT MEANS TO ME,” at the top of my lungs.

The song ended as I merged onto the freeway. Some song I didn’t recognize came on next and I turned the volume down. It was in that moment, once the distraction of Aretha was gone, that I realized I had no idea where I was going. I had no plan, and for the first time in my life, I didn’t care.

All I knew was that I wanted to keep on driving and never go back. It had scarcely been five minutes since my marriage evaporated before my eyes, but already I felt more free, more myself, than I ever had with that asshole of a husband.

Then I had my second realization. My spur of the moment road trip meant I had packed nothing and all I had with me was my purse.

Ugh.

The stupid Coach purse Matt gave me after one of our many fights.

I grabbed it and tossed it on the backseat, out of my sight.

I couldn’t remember what that fight was about, but I did remember the loveless look on his face when he handed me the expensive gift. He was one of those men who thought he could solve any problem, no matter how serious, by spending money.

After a while, each expensive gift just hurt me more. It was never thoughtful, I don’t even like Coach. It was just his way of trying to shut me up.

The truth was, I didn’t need expensive gifts. All I needed was a husband who loved me. And that was the one thing Matt could never give. I finally knew it for certain.

My attention was drawn to the dashboard when the empty gas light turned on. So much for smooth sailing into my new life.

Luckily, there was a gas station a few minutes down the road.

I pulled up to the full service pump and asked the attendant to fill the tank with premium gas. I got out and opened the backdoor to grab my purse and headed into the convenience store. I took my time walking around and picked up a few snacks. Cracker Jacks, Bits ‘n Bites and a bag of Sour Patch Kids.

Don’t judge. I never denied being an emotional eater.

There was a display at the end of the aisle with sunglasses, hats and beach bags. I looked through the bags and found one on the smaller side with a few pockets and lots of color. I grabbed it and made my way to the checkout.

The young girl working at the cash register smiled when I put down all the snacks. Not in a judgmental way, but in an, excellent choice kind of way. We both laughed as she scanned them through. I reached for my purse and remembered about the gas.

“Oh and whatever it came to at pump six.”

I lifted up my Coach purse and dumped the contents on the counter. The girl looked at me like I was crazy. I started transferring all my stuff into the new bag.

“Why on earth are you taking your things out of that amazing Coach purse and putting them into this cheap gas station bag?” she asked.

“Hah, yeah, I guess it does seem a little strange. I think I’ve finally come to the realization that money and fancy things aren’t the most important things in the world. But, I think I’ll still hold onto my Vogue sunglasses for now,” I said with a smile.

We laughed again and I put the Vogue case into my new purse. She told me the total and I tapped my credit card to pay.

I’d seen that same girl working at that rest stop every day for two years. She was a sweet girl. Always friendly, always helpful. I didn’t know anything about her but always assumed she was putting herself through college with the gas station paychecks.

“Here. You’d look amazing with a Coach purse,” I said, holding it out to her.

“No way. I can’t accept that. It’s far too expensive. I don’t deserve it,” she said, taking a step back and raising her hands in protest.

“You do deserve it,” I said. “You deserve the world. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.”

I handed her the purse and gave her a look that made it clear I meant it. She reached out and took it, still unsure if she was doing the right thing.

“Thank you so, so much,” she said.

“You’re so, so welcome,” I said and walked back to my car.

I could hear her squealing behind me as I left. I turned back and saw her holding it up like a winning lottery ticket, showing it to the other kid who worked the counter with her. He clearly didn’t have the same appreciation for purses she had but it made me happy to see her so excited.

I grabbed the keys from my new, gas station purse and got back into my Lexus. The luxury Lexus Matt had also bought me.

It was one of the many gifts I received after I told him I knew he’d been cheating on me for years.

Big fight, big gift. That’s the way it was in our marriage.

But with this gift he’d also dangled the promise of a family, our own baby some day, on the condition I didn’t leave him. He even went to the trouble of installing a car seat in the back.

But I never did get the baby.

I hated that I was driving a car he’d paid for but honestly, I wasn’t ready to give that away too. My high principals had their limit, and I’m a practical girl. I needed this getaway vehicle.

But I hated what it stood for with a passion. I still had no idea what my destination was, but the ocean was calling my name. I merged back onto the highway and continued south.

The sun was setting over San Jose and I put my car into cruise control. I turned the radio back on, turned the volume up to full and took a deep breath.

New life, here I come.

CHAPTER 3

MEADOW

By the time I reached the Pacific Coast Highway, it was pitch black out. I’d been driving a little over three hours and had completely escaped the glow of city lights. My high beams were all that guided me along the curving road.

A three hour drive hardly felt like much of a great escape, but it was getting late and I felt that driving along the coast at night was a waste of the beautiful view. I kept my eyes open for a place to stop for the night. I could get some much needed rest and start fresh in the morning.

I didn’t know how long I had before Matt realized I was gone for good. I knew the second he clued in, he would be pissed off and cancel my credit cards and access to our bank accounts. I mean, that was if he was even still alive!

Those guys who showed up at our doorstep on motorcycles looked like they meant business. I hoped they really gave it to him. He’d finally crossed paths with the wrong woman.

My only regret was that after putting up with so much from him for so long, when the cavalry finally arrived to teach him a lesson, they’d come to protect some other girl he’d lied to, not me.

Oh well. Beggars can’t be choosers, and I wasn’t about to start complaining.

To save money, I reluctantly drove past beautiful, luxury, spa hotels located right on the beach.

What I needed was a modest motel. Nothing fancy. I started to cringe as all the stereotypes associated with motels jumped into my mind. Never in my thirty-plus years had I ever stayed at one.

People do it all the time, I told myself.

How bad can it be?

It’s not like I’m a princess.

I spotted a sign with the word ‘motel’ on it and took the next exit. It led to the town of Pismo Beach. It was easy to see I’d arrived in an adorable little beach town. I found the motel and pulled up outside.

A very young, very tanned, blonde girl greeted me at the front desk.

“Welcome to the Rolling Wave Motel. Do you have a reservation?”

“No, but do you have any rooms available?” I asked, hoping her answer would be yes.

“We sure do. Our drop-in rate is eighty-nine dollars, will that be fine?” she asked.

I smiled and told her it would be. The truth was, I never knew it was possible to get a night anywhere that cheap. I really had been living in an upperclass suburban housewife bubble.

I worried what kind of condition my eighty-nine dollar room might be in but the lobby seemed clean enough so I tried to relax.

As the girl took my credit card and photo ID, I realized I was starving.

“Is there anywhere nearby that’s still open to eat?” I asked.

She smiled and looked me up and down, trying to pair me with the most suitable restaurant for a guest of my type.

“There’s an amazing local winery overlooking the ocean, ” she started, but I cut her off.

“No wine. I do not want wine.”

I’d startled her. I felt bad for snapping, but there was no way I was drinking wine. Even the thought of it made my stomach turn.

“How about beer?” she asked with understandable caution.

When I didn’t snap back she continued.

“There’s a really cool brewery down the way that has an amazing late night menu.”

“Beer, I can do. That sounds perfect.”

She smiled and wrote down the name of the brewery, explaining how to get there. Then she handed me the keys to my room.

I turned around, looking for the bellboy to help with my luggage, before realizing two things.

One, there would be no bellboys in my life for a while, and two, I didn’t have any luggage.

I went to my car and drove to room thirty-four. I got out and took a deep breath. I knew it was pathetic for a grown woman, about to embark on a new life on her own, to worry about such a little thing, but I really was worried about finding mouse droppings, cockroaches, rats, blood stains even! The closest I’d ever been to a motel was watching bank robber movies.

I turned the key in the lock and braced myself for what I was about to see.

And … not bad, I thought with a sigh of relief.

The room was fine, cute even.

A queen-sized bed with a less than fashionable pastel-colored duvet on it. Above the bed was a large, tacky, beach-themed oil painting. I went to check the bathroom, which was small but clean. It had everything I needed.

It was fine. Everything was fine.

I’d be okay. I hadn’t just made the biggest mistake of my life by walking out on my rich, asshole husband.

And then I had a flashback to some stupid investigation show I’d seen once about how filthy motel rooms are, especially the duvet covers because they never get washed. They used a special light over the duvets from ten different motels and eight were covered in cum.

So. Gross.

I immediately grabbed two wash clothes and used them as mitts to rip the pastel duvet off the bed. I threw it in the corner without letting any part of it touch my skin. I was so disgusted at the thought of how many filthy men had probably jizzed all over it.

Ironic really, because a moment later my disgust turned to disappointment at the thought of just how long it had been since any man, filthy or otherwise, had jizzed all over me.

Who’d have ever thought it?

A perfectly healthy, relatively attractive young woman, married to a sex addict no less, and I hadn’t had sex in well over a year.

It really does a number on your sex life when your husband is out getting it elsewhere.

Asshole.

I felt a pang of emotion at the thought of him. His cheating started pretty much as soon as we got married and deep down I always knew the truth. There were so many telltale signs.

I couldn’t stand the thought of touching him, but the really sad part was that after years of being cheated on, I couldn’t really stand the thought of being touched by anyone.

I used to be so fucking attracted to that man, especially when we started dating in high school. Now when I looked at him, all I saw was a monster.

I turned on the shower and hopped in to quickly rinse off my body. I got out, toweled off, and grabbed my small makeup bag from my purse. It only had the touch up essentials but it would do.

I applied fresh cover up, redid my eyeliner, and touched up my mascara. I may not have had a change of clothes, but I was relieved to have my makeup bag.

I’d rather die than be caught without makeup.

I finished with a fresh coat of deep red lipstick and used a tissue to tone it down. I did a quick teeth check in the mirror and then, without stopping to think how long it had been since I’d gone out anywhere alone at night, headed to the brewery for a few beers and some well-deserved food.

CHAPTER 4

MEADOW

The brewery was only a few blocks away but I decided to drive. On the way to the motel I remembered passing a bank and wanted to stop there first. I needed to get out as much cash as I could because I knew it was only a matter of time before my access to money was cut off for good.

I pulled up in front of the bank and parked. Initially I thought I shouldn’t take too much. I didn’t want to raise suspicion. But I quickly came to my senses.

First, I withdrew the maximum allowed for cash advances from each of my eight credit cards.

Next, I put in my debit card and my stomach sank when an alert popped up and I was informed I could only withdraw five hundred dollars from the checking and savings accounts. I took what I could get and looked around nervously as I shoved fifteen-thousand dollars in my purse and cautiously walked back to my car. It was a lot of money to be carrying around with me, but it was not a lot of money to start a new life with.

Matt would have called it stealing, and I know what it looks like. I’m too good to be married to him but I’m not too good for his money.

But that’s really not fair. That money was half mine, even if Matt was the one who brought it in. I helped him start his business, I stood by his side while he rose to the top, and fifteen thousand dollars was a pittance compared to what he had. He had our house, our savings, the business, the vehicles, apart from my Lexus. Maybe one day all that would get sorted by a bunch of expensive divorce lawyers, but for now, fifteen grand was what I could get, and that was what I was taking. Every penny.

As if I wasn’t already feeling anxious enough, the second I turned my car off in front of the brewery, my stomach sank even deeper. Whatever confidence I’d had when I left the motel vanished as I looked inside the brightly lit windows of the bar. It was full of people having a good time. Everyone seemed to know each other. And I was struck with the realization that never in my life had I gone out for a meal on my own.

I’d always been with Matt, and if it wasn’t Matt, it was the girls at the country club.

Never alone.

Not in high school, not when I was single, not as a married woman. Never.

In fact, I was one of those people who watched people dining alone with curiosity. The girls and I would smirk and judge them for being on their own. At least if it was a woman.

No friends?

No man?

How pathetic.

I felt guilty now for ever having been so shallow.

Even at the time, I knew it was wrong. And deep inside, I’d always been envious of their courage, their freedom, their independence. It took a certain confidence for a woman to sit in a restaurant alone and I’d admired it.

I took a deep breath, pulled my shoulders back and walked in the brewery. It was busier than I expected for so late on a weekday night. Everyone seemed to be talking to each other, I was clearly in the local’s spot. All the tables were full, so I reluctantly grabbed a seat at the bar. I hooked my purse under the counter and wedged it between my legs to keep the money safe.

Fifteen grand, under the bar of some brewery I’d never been to before. What was I thinking?

I glanced up, and what I saw made me feel like I just had the wind knocked out of me.

A large, manly hand gripped the beer tap and my jaw dropped as my eyes slowly followed up the arm.

It was smooth, perfectly tanned, perfectly toned, and lead to the shoulders and face of quite possibly the sexiest man I’d ever seen in my entire life.

Let’s just say, this bartender was HOT.

There was no other way to describe him.

He wasn’t even my type.

He was a total surfer dude, but My God, what a surfer dude.

He smiled, put a menu in front of me, and asked what I’d like to drink. Caught in a state of complete and utter awe, I was dumbstruck. I tried to look as cool as possible as my cheeks turned pink with embarrassment. I shifted in my seat and crossed my legs, knocking my purse off its hook.

“Eh,” I stammered, getting off my stool to pick up the purse, “eh.”

“Eh?”

“Eh, I’ll have a beer,” I blurted out. 

“You’ll have to be a little more specific than that, we’ve got over sixty beers on tap,” he chuckled.  

Sixty! Goodness. How was I ever going to get through this? I don’t think I could have even spelled my own name in that moment.

“Oh, right, um, nothing too hoppy, I like a lighter beer,” I stammered, struggling to form a whole sentence.

“We have a brand new one on tap you might like,” he said. “It’s smooth as silk.”

“Smooth as silk?”

He gave me a wink and I felt my stomach do a summersault. He talked some more about the beer but truth be told, I didn’t hear a single word of it. I’d have drank gasoline if he winked at me again and said it was good.

I was looking directly at him, nodding my head in response to his words, but all I was thinking was what he’d look like without that tight black t-shirt on. It fit him so perfectly and I could see the definition of his pecs. I loved the way the short sleeves were riding up his biceps.

He stopped talking, waiting to see if I was interested in trying the new beer.

“Yeah, that sounds delicious, ” I said.

He left to get my drink and I looked around at my surroundings for the first time. I glanced down the counter and quickly realized my waiter wasn’t even the sexiest man in there. The bar was long and full of men that seemed to get sexier and sexier. I was in shock. I had stumbled upon some sort of sexy man heaven.

I was finally beginning to realize I’d been selling myself short all these years, letting myself stay cooped up in Matt’s house, waiting for him to come home, while he was out having fun, cheating on me. The world suddenly seemed full of opportunity.

The men in this town were like nothing I’d ever seen before.

I was used to being around Matt’s stuffy, arrogant friends. They only ever wore suits or blazers and talked about nothing but money, investments, and business.

I was pretty sure these men would burst out laughing if Matt and his friends walked in and tried to act like big shots. These guys were so casual, jeans, t-shirts, some had buzz cuts, and others had long, messy beach hair. Long messy beach hair that I wanted to run my fingers through and pull on.

This was the exact opposite of the world I’d just escaped from, and I liked it.

The sexiest part about the men here, other than their perfectly toned bodies and sun kissed skin, was the way they were all joking and laughing with each other. It was so attractive, their smiles were contagious. I watched them while trying not to be obvious.

At the end of the bar sat the sexiest one of them all, but he wasn’t joining in the fun. He intrigued me and looked strangely familiar. He had messy, chin length blond hair and a short scruffy blonde beard to match. He was clearly a part of the group, but was keeping to himself. I hadn’t seen him smile once.

“Here you go, sweetie,” my bartender said as he put my beer in front of me. “Ready to order?”

I’d been so distracted by the row of surfer babes I hadn’t even opened the menu. I quickly picked it up.

“Shoot, sorry. I haven’t even looked yet.”

“No problem. I’ll give you a few more minutes,” he said and smiled.

It was a smile so dreamy it made me melt inside. A wave of goosebumps rushed over me.

I hadn’t felt this way in so long and wasn’t sure how to react. I’d been so used to being oppressed, cheated on, to feeling ugly and unwanted, and now I was surrounded by dozens of the most gorgeous men imaginable. Every desire I thought I’d lost came rushing back with a vengeance.

I had to uncross and recross my legs to control the urges that were beginning to wake up inside me.

I shook myself out of my daze and opened the menu. I couldn’t concentrate on the food. I lifted my eyes back up and focused on the quiet guy at the end of the bar.

My panties felt like they were melting from the heat between my thighs.

Jax Teller. He looked exactly like Jax from Sons of Anarchy. I knew he looked familiar. Sexy, sexy Jax. My guilty pleasure. I’d pictured that man’s face more times than I care to admit while playing with my vibrator.

What can I say? I was a bored housewife. I tick all the stereotype boxes.

CHAPTER 5

KANE

Diary Entry

I’m a master at making you cum, but what about making me cum?

All I have to do is look at you, smile slightly, give you the nod. You know what I want the second you set eyes on me. I’m not subtle.

When I look at you, I make sure you know what I’m thinking.

I make sure you know I’m undressing you with my eyes. Imagining what your tits look like underneath that shirt. Imagining what your nipples will feel like, squeezed tight between my finger and thumb. Imagining what your ass looks like without those jeans covering it, what it looks like red from being spanked hard by my hand. Imagining what your pussy looks like, wrapped tightly around my cock.

You know what I’d like to see? My cum dripping out of your pussy. Just a little. Most of it stays inside you. But just a little drips out, running down the inside of your thigh. That really makes me hard.

When I look at your mouth, I imagine you moaning. I imagine you screaming my name. I imagine you gasping for breath as you ride up and down on my hard shaft like a cowgirl at a rodeo. I imagine those lips covering every part of my body.

Just by looking at you I can tell you’re a good kisser. You’d kiss my mouth like your life depended on it. You’d press those lips against mine and take my tongue in your mouth. You’d breathe into my mouth so we’re practically sharing the same breath.

What would that mouth feel like on my neck? On my chest, teasing my nipples? On my cock?

Because you know that’s what all this is about. The moment you set eyes on me across the bar, you know that the one thing I want most in the world is for your mouth to touch my cock. I want your lips on my tip, kissing me, teasing me, toying with my head. I want you to open your lips, just a little, so your tongue can wet my tip. The moment your saliva wets my cock, I know this is for real. I know we’re going all the way.

And I know you want it. You’ve wanted it since the moment you stepped in here.

What kind of woman steps into a bar alone and doesn’t want cock? You want me right in your mouth, right in the back of your throat. You want to own my pleasure. You want to be the one and only girl who can make me feel this good.

Picture it. Picture me. I’m hard. My shaft is rigid. I’m bigger than any cock you’ve ever seen before. And I’m right in front of your face.

You reach up and grab my butt so you can pull me closer. You give me a nudge and my tip is pressed against your lips. You kiss it and pull me forward again. Again my tip touches your lips. You let it touch your cheek. You let it roll around on your face, because you know your sweet face drives me wild. It drives me wild because of how pretty you are, and because of the nasty, naughty, dirty part of my mind that’s looking at your face now and my big cock right in front of it.

You know what I’m imagining. You know exactly how to tease me. You know I want to cum on your face. What if my cum was all over those delicious lips? What if I was pouring myself all over that beautiful mouth? What if I was cumming inside her mouth?

You know that’s what I’m thinking, and you’re purposefully playing with that thought in my mind, making me imagine it. And only when I’ve already thought about pouring my entire load into your mouth, do you finally open your mouth and let me inside. Only then do you finally let my shaft slide into your wet, warm, delectable mouth.

I slide in and out, and expertly your tongue plays with the underside of my shaft. You know that’s where I’m most sensitive. You know that’s the part that will make me cum fastest. And that’s what you want. You want me to explode in your mouth before I’ve even had a chance to think about what’s going on.

You want to overwhelm me. You want to own my body, own my pleasure, own my cock. And you want to own my mind too. I know you do. I can see it in your eyes. The sly look you give me across the bar. The way you cross and recross your legs. The way you lean forward, giving me just a tiny peek at your cleavage.

Are you even wearing a bra?

Oh you naughty girl.

I want to feel your tongue sliding back and forth on my shaft faster and faster. Toying with me. Playing with my tip. Coaxing me to climax, so that when I finally explode, you know I’ll never forget this moment. I’ll never forget the feeling of orgasming in your mouth. I’ll never forget the pleasure you’re giving me right this second. The pleasure you own completely. The pleasure you control completely.

Because, by owning my pleasure, by controlling my orgasm, by making this exquisite thing happen right in your mouth, you know you own me too.

As you swallow me, you’re not just swallowing my juices. You’re making me yours. You’re making my body and soul belong to you.

And just like that, my cock is pouring it’s cum, pouring every drop, into your sweet mouth. Before I’m finished, I pull out. It’s not enough for me to feel my cum pouring into your mouth, I have to see it on your face too. I’m bad. I know it. But you knew it when you got mixed up with me.

I pull out and I cum on your pretty lips. You form the shape of a kiss with your lips and I cum right on them. The white contrasts perfectly with the red. The white of innocence, even though you’re anything but innocent, and the red of naughtiness, which is a perfect color on you.

I’m yours now. You lick my cum off your lips and swallow it, and with that simple motion, that simple swallow, I’m all yours. And you’re all mine.

CHAPTER 6

KANE

The guys were rowdier than usual. I shut the diary I was scribbling in and looked around.

They were all happy because we’d had a perfect day riding waves. The fact that we’d been at the brewery since we got off the water and were six beers in probably helped.

I sat quietly and watched them joke and laugh.

“What are you writing there, Kane?”

I didn’t answer.

I kept to myself and for the most part they respected my space. I didn’t want to be there and they all knew it.

A year earlier they’d had an intervention. They were worried about me. I was depressed, keeping to myself too much, staying in the house alone too much, drinking alone too much. They were more comfortable with me drinking with them so I agreed. It was easier than trying to argue.

Hell, as long as I got to drink, it didn’t make much difference to me where I did it.

I appreciated their concern. They were solid friends and I could count on them. I knew the value of that.

I wasn’t thrilled with the idea of going out each night, but I did it for them.

They were having such a good time they didn’t notice I was four beers ahead of them. It’s easier to drink when you’re not busy talking and laughing.

I watched them laugh with an empty blankness.

Truth be told, I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed. There were times that I’d smile, I’m not completely dead inside, but it had been a long time since I really laughed.

I could tell Paul, the bartender, was avoiding making eye contact with me. He was a buddy too, and I guess he was getting concerned about how many beers I’d had.

I was fine. I didn’t need him babysitting me. I’m a grown man and I know my own limits.

I kept my eye on him until we made eye contact and gestured that I was ready for another beer.

I took one last sip and as I put the glass down, I felt as though I was being watched.

I glanced up and noticed a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar. She was like something out of a fantasy, curvy with ample breasts, beautiful shiny hair, and a face that made me want to walk right over and make out with her. I’d never seen her before, which was odd because usually the place is nothing but locals. I shrugged it off and pulled out my phone to check for texts.

“You know that’s number eleven, right Kane?” Paul said as he put another pint in front of me.

“Glad to see you can count higher than ten,” I said without looking up.

I was annoyed he was keeping track. I mean, I know it’s his job and all, but I just wished he’d mind his own business. It’s not like I was causing a scene.

“Do you see that city babe at the end of the bar?” Paul said with a sly grin on his face. “She’s pretty hot.”

I glanced up to look at him, then looked to the girl at the end of the bar.

“I guess,” I said with a shrug and looked back at my phone.

“You like her?” he said.

“You take her,” I said. “We both know you’re the one she wants.”

Paul sighed. I knew what he was doing but I wasn’t in the mood.

“Kane?”

“What is it, Paul?”

“It’s been two years.”

“What’s been two years?” I said, knowing full well what he was talking about.

“Jesus, Kane. I’m just saying, maybe you should consider dating again. That girl’s been looking your way all night.”

Now he was annoying me. It was one thing to watch my drinking, but he had no right to tell me how to live my life. Sure, the chick was hot, but it didn’t matter.

I ignored him and looked up the forecast for tomorrow’s waves.

He got the hint and walked away to take the woman’s food order.

My phone beeped and I looked at the text. It was Steph. Reliable, dependable Steph. We’d known each other since we were kids, practically grew up together, and had started fucking when I was in the depths of my depression. She was a good girl, but always fell for the wrong guy. It was late but Steph was offering to come over when I was done at the brewery. She was the one person I still let into my place. She was the one person I let my guard down around.

I sighed and looked around. The woman at the end of the bar was placing her order with Paul and I watched as she spoke to him. She really was stunning. The kind of girl who could make your cock twitch with a single glance.

At that moment she glanced my way, and sure enough, the second our eyes locked, my cock twitched and stiffened. God, how good would it feel to sink it into her and let her have it.

She looked back at Paul and started telling him what she wanted. My eyes grew wide as she kept ordering more and more food. Her order was never ending! I think she actually ordered one of everything on the menu!

She looked at me again as she finished her order and I got the impression Paul was going to try and set her up with me. A feeling of anger rushed through. How dare Paul interfere in my personal life?

“Jesus,” I said loudly across the bar. “Why don’t you just tell him what you’re not ordering. Would save you both a lot of time.”

“Excuse me?” she said, and immediately I felt bad for being so nasty.

It wasn’t her fault Paul had pissed me off. Hell, it wasn’t even Paul’s fault I was so touchy. It was me, I was the problem, and I knew it.

“Ignore him,” Paul said to her, shooting me an exasperated look.

I looked away.

As she finished placing her order, I could feel her eyes coming back to me. I tried to act like I wasn’t paying attention, but I was. I wanted to see if she could eat even half the food she’d just ordered. If she even came close, I’d be impressed.

I looked up at her.

“Seriously, sweetheart. No way a little thing like you could eat all that.”

She shot me dagger eyes and held my gaze as she slowly reopened the menu. She had attitude, I had to give her that much.

She turned to Paul.

“And for dessert I’ll have the apple crumble and a piece of the chocolate strawberry cheesecake”.

She glanced at me triumphantly as she slammed the menu shut and handed it to Paul.

I shrugged but I couldn’t help letting out a little laugh. This girl really had balls, for a chick at least.

CHAPTER 7

MEADOW

“Oh, go ahead, laugh, moron. At least I’m not a drunk. You better drink up. You don’t want beer number eleven getting warm,” I shot back.

I startled myself, but he pissed me off and I snapped.

I couldn’t believe the nerve of him. What an asshole for judging me. What did he even care anyways? He should just stay down there and mind his own sad, drunken business.

I took a sip from my beer and got even angrier when I noticed he kind of had a point. I did order a lot, without even noticing, at least not until Hottie McJerk-Off brought it to my attention. I knew I was hungry, but I wasn’t planning on ordering that much.

My husband Matt was always so quick to call me ‘fat’ or ‘porky’ whenever I’d order anything other than salad. It’s no wonder it stung so quick and deep when that jerk made his comment. There I was thinking I could finally order whatever I wanted without judgement, but clearly not. Turns out all men are judgmental assholes, even the sexy surfer ones.

The three appetizers I ordered came out and I started to shovel them in my mouth. My emotional eating habits had taken over in full force.

My drinking comment clearly struck a nerve with that guy because he was back on his phone and leaving me alone. It wasn’t like me to be mean, but he started it and I was glad to be the one who finished it. I was done letting men boss me around.

If a woman wanted to order three appetizers, why couldn’t she? Men can order whatever the hell they like.

I scooped spinach and artichoke dip onto a chip and closed my eyes, enjoying the flavor. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had it. It was delicious. Before I was done chewing, I reached for a deep fried pickle. It was like each mouthful covered up the negative feelings left over from Matt.

As I polished off the dip, the bartender came around the corner from the kitchen with my fried chicken entree. My face lit up like a kid in a candy store. I felt like a bottomless pit. He placed the food in front of me.

“Looks great. Could I also get another beer?” I said.

He looked at me in disbelief, surprised I was actually making a serious dent on all this food and still had room for another beer. As he stepped away, I shouted to get his attention.

“Actually, make it two beers,” I said with my mouth full of chicken. “One for the judgmental asshole at the end of the bar. He clearly could use it.”

I had no idea why I said that, especially since he was leaving me alone. I hated the guy for suggesting I was a fat pig, but for some reason I didn’t want to stop getting his attention. Call me crazy, I’ll gladly take attention from a hot guy, even if he’s insulting me!

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” the bartender said, clearly not impressed with me. I was being rude, but it was that guy who started it.

For some reason, I kept going.

“Why not? It’s not like he wasn’t about to order one anyway. I want to buy him beer number twelve.”

“Fine,” the bartender said, leaning in closer, “but I won’t tell him what you said. I know he was rude, but you don’t have to stoop to his level. You have no idea what people have been through.”

What the hell did that mean? Been through? He had no idea what I’d been through either.

It was like he lost his charm and sense of humor in a matter of seconds. I watched as he poured the beer for the guy and I quickly fixed my hair and casually adjusted my breasts to make sure they looked their perkiest.

“Now you’re bringing me beer number twelve before I even ask for it?”

I couldn’t hear what the bartender said back, but I saw him point to me. I sat up straight and smiled, ready for the babe to look up. It was a rush, never in my life had I bought a man a drink. This guy was being a jerk, but there was something about him. Maybe he was just having a bad day. I didn’t know what it was, but he was sexy as hell, and intriguing, and I didn’t want him to stop paying attention to me.

He looked at the beer and then at me. My stomach got tense and my nervous smile grew. There was an empty seat next to me and I secretly hoped he would come over to thank me for the beer and have a seat so we could talk. I tucked my hair behind my ear and winked at him.

Oh God. A wink? Who winks?

I got flustered and quickly realized I had no game. I saw him raise a curious eyebrow at me, but then he just looked back at his phone.

What was so interesting on that phone? A woman just bought him a beer and he doesn’t so much as flinch? I know I’m new to the scene but surely things haven’t changed that much. When I was single, if a girl made a move, a guy was supposed to be a gentleman and at least acknowledge it.

I took a mouth full of fried chicken and washed it down with a huge gulp of beer.

I was mortified.

He just flat out ignored my gesture.

I was wrong about him, there wasn’t more to him. He really was just a drunk asshole sitting alone in a bar. The only guy in the place who refused to join in the fun.

I shoveled mouthful after mouthful of food in, hardly taking a moment to breath. I couldn’t even look at him anymore. I just wanted to finish my food and get the hell out of there.

As I finished the last few bites, I saw the bartender coming towards me with the apple crumble and cheesecake I ordered. After the day I was having, I was so ready for it.

And then I noticed that I wasn’t even close to feeling full. I’d eaten enough for three people and was still going. This was the kind of behavior I’d had therapy for as a teenager. I’d gone through a difficult couple of years after my parents divorced and put on a hundred pounds in six months. I got it under control, but the way I was eating tonight reminded me of what an emotionally traumatizing day I was having.

All I wanted was to coat it in sugar and get to bed so it could officially be over.

CHAPTER 8

KANE

I grabbed the beer that crazy chick sent over, glanced her way for a split second, then put my head back, downed the whole thing in a single gulp, and slammed the empty on the bar. Paul watched the whole time.

“See what I mean?” he said. “Women come on to you, even when you’re a complete asshole.”

He was wiping down the bar, getting ready to finish up for the night. He took my empty and looked me in the eye.

“I caught that girl checking me out when she got here, but as soon as she laid eyes on you, it was like I didn’t exist anymore.”

“Whatever dude, she’s all yours. I’m not interested.”

“I know you’re not interested. That’s the freaking problem. You’re not interested in any women since you lost Carolyn. Well anyone but Steph, but we all know you’re not really interested in her. You just string that poor girl along so that she’ll be there when you’re feeling horny.”

“Leave Steph out of this. She knows what it is between us and she’s fine with it.”

Paul was always sticking up for Steph. Probably because he dated her years ago.

I stood up from my seat.

“I’m going to the bathroom. Get me another beer for when I get back … and a shot of whisky.”

I didn’t look back to see if he heard me. I knew he did and I didn’t want to give him the chance to say no.

The men’s room was on the other side of the bar. As I passed the chick from out of town, I stole a glance in her direction. She didn’t notice me, she was basically face down in apple crumble, but I sure as hell noticed her. Her shirt was slightly lifted, exposing a small peak of the smooth, creamy white skin of her lower back. I felt an instant rush of blood to my dick. My cock stiffened and a throb of desire pulsed through it.

Suddenly I was very interested.

My eyes ran over every inch of her delicious body. I couldn’t resist. I gazed down along her curves and landed on her perfectly round ass.

Fuck.

My dick jumped from a semi to a full blown hard-on.

I slowed as I passed, picturing myself grabbing her from behind, forcing her against the bar, bending her over, and sliding my rock hard cock deep inside her.

I wanted to show her what she did to me. I wanted her to feel it.

I wanted to hold her down by the back of her neck, even if she struggled, and slide my cock between the cheeks of her ass, making sure she could tell just how big and hard I was for her.

I gave my head a shake, clearing my sex crazed mind. My lust caught me off guard. It had been a long time since I’d felt completely entranced by a woman like that.

I realized I was standing in the middle of the brewery with a raging boner pressing against my jeans, so I quickly made my way to the men’s room before anyone noticed.

Thankfully, it was a single use washroom. I locked the door behind me to give myself a few minutes to cool off. I splashed cold water on my face and looked in the mirror.

The man staring back at me was a mess. I was clearly drunk, hammered even. There was a time when I would have shook my head in disgust at a guy like this.

But one thing I knew for sure. The fantasy I’d just had about the woman at the bar wasn’t from the booze. I drank every night and never felt this way. I pulled my cock out of my pants and it was still rock hard.

I was attracted to that woman in a way I hadn’t felt in a very long time. Despite my resistance, despite every part of my mind fighting it, my cock wanted to be deep inside of her.

I splashed more cold water on my face.

Fuck this.

The last thing I needed was to get messed up with a broad. No good could come of it. Plus, I knew Steph was just waiting for me to give her the word. I leaned against the wall to text her, my hard cock still sticking out of my pants like a weapon.

Me: I’ve got one more drink coming. Meet me at my place in thirty minutes. Wear that backless top you have.

Steph: K :)

Now that I knew Steph was waiting, it would make me quickly finish my beer and avoid getting mixed up in any trouble I didn’t want. And by trouble, I meant that woman.

I finished up in the washroom, gave my face one more splash, and looked in the mirror. I hated what I saw. I hated the man I’d become. A mean, useless drunk.

Fuck, that girl at the bar at least had a right to know just what an asshole she’d been flirting with all night. She deserved better than a prick like me and I knew it.

I left the washroom and stepped around the corner. The first thing I saw was that perfect, round ass. I felt myself instantly get hard again and knew I had to shut it down. I walked over to a table and grabbed one of the heavy chairs, dragging it over to where she was sitting at the bar.

“Look lady, if you’re going to eat that much, the least you could do is make sure you’re sitting on a load bearing chair.”

I slammed the chair down next to her bar stool and then stumbled backwards, the alcohol finally getting the best of me. I crashed into the table behind me where four dudes were sitting. Beer mugs fell everywhere, smashing glass across the room.

The whole bar went silent, in a state of shock. Everyone was looking at me. They’d all heard what I said to the girl. Now they knew it if they didn’t already.

I was an asshole who didn’t deserve to live.

I could feel the tension grow as everyone waited to see how she’d react.

The look on Paul’s face filled me with shame. He’d been a friend to me for a long time, but surely this was the last straw. Who could be friends with a man who’d insulted an innocent girl at a bar like this?

And the girl, when I saw her face, I felt like throwing up. When had I become this way? Where had I learned to be so cruel?

I knew the answer.

I wanted a fight. I wanted this girl to throw her glass at me. I could tell she was a feisty one. Maybe she’d finally be the one to teach me a lesson. Smash a glass in my face and put me in hospital. That’s what I deserved.

She stood up, and for a second I thought she was going to let me have but. But then, instead of doing anything, instead of screaming or yelling or clawing at me with her nails, she just burst into tears.

I did not see that coming.

I felt like dying.

She tried to speak but was crying so hard she couldn’t get the words out. Fuck. I’d wanted a fight, not this. Of all possible outcomes, this one never crossed my drunken mind.

Then, finally, she managed to string together a sentence.  

She spoke softly, looking right into my dead eyes.

“You’re an asshole.”

I didn’t know what to say back. She was right.

From across the bar, Paul was walking toward me. The guys whose table I’d knocked over were gathering around me too. This was it, the fight I’d wanted.

I swung at one of the guys but he dodged my fist easily. Another guy grabbed me from behind and held me. The first one landed a fist on my face and then another guy followed it up with a powerful punch to my gut. I felt dizzy, struggling against the grip of the guy holding me. I swung my arms uselessly, trying to grab the guy’s head as his friends proceeded to punch the shit out of me, pounding my stomach, chest and face with punch after punch.

I tasted blood in my mouth and relished it.

“That’s enough,” Paul yelled, grabbing the guys and holding them back.

The guy who’d been holding me let me go and I slumped to the ground. From my knees I looked around at the bar, shame and disgust filling every ounce of my being.

This was what I’d become. A drunken, asshole brawler without a friend in the world.

“Paul,” I said, shaking my head.

“Shut up, Kane. Get the fuck out of here.”

“Paul,” I stammered again like the idiot I was.

“You’ve finally overstayed your welcome, asshole.”

The girl I’d insulted, the poor girl who’d just picked the wrong night to walk into this bar, was looking at me with a mixture of pity and disgust. I wanted to say something to her. I wanted to explain why I was such an undeniable bastard, but I couldn’t talk. There was too much blood in my mouth.

She grabbed her purse and left a hundred dollar bill on the bar.

Paul apologized to her for what happened and said her meal was on the house but she refused to take it.

I tried to stand up but lost my balance again and knocked over another chair.

“You,” she said, turning to me, “you think you’re such hot shit, well you’re not. You’re just a sad, lonely, mean drunk. I don’t know what happened to you, but it’s made you miserable and you take it out on people you don’t even know.”

I watched her walk toward the exit.

She zipped up her purse and stormed away towards the exit.  

“Well fuck you, fatty,” I yelled after her.

That time it was Paul himself who landed the punch. Everything went blank for a second and then I was lying on the floor on my back, staring up at the ceiling. I tried to get up but one of the guys standing next to me put his foot on my chest.

“Stay down, asshole.”

I didn’t care. I didn’t care if they kicked the shit out of me and left me for dead. I wanted to be dead. I turned my head to the side and saw that the girl was coming back from the door. I thought she was going to yell at me some more. Everything she said about me was true, that’s why it cut so deep. As she approached I braced myself for whatever she’d say next but she stepped right over me.

She walked to the bar with grim determination on her face, grabbed the plate of untouched cheesecake, turned and made her way back toward the exit.

All at once, everyone in the bar cheered for her. They saw what I’d seen. This girl had guts. She wasn’t about to take anyone’s crap. I’d been right after all.

After the cheering died down, everyone began to leave. The guys who’d beaten me up left. Before long it was just me and Paul. I got up and slumped into a chair. Paul wiped down the bar and when he was done he called over to me. I knew what he was going to say but the fact he didn’t look at me as he said it, didn’t make eye contact, hurt worse than the words.

“That’s it. You’re done, Kane. You don’t come into my bar and speak to a woman that way.”

“Well, fuck this place,” I said, reaching into my pocket for my wallet. I pulled out enough cash to cover my tab and threw it at him. The bills landed on the floor in front of me and I shrugged. It wasn’t my problem.

I got up from the chair and began staggering toward the exit. There was blood all over my shirt and I knew my face would be a mess in the morning. I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything.

As I reached the door, I heard Paul shout. He was picking up the money I’d thrown on the floor.

“Hey, Kane.”

I held up my hand and gave him the finger without looking back.

“Kane, your picture of Carolyn is here on the ground.”

I stopped. I must have flung it when I’d thrown the money at him. I staggered back and grabbed it from him without saying a word, clenching it in my fist.

CHAPTER 9

KANE

I woke up next morning with a pain in my head like a jackhammer pounding through concrete.

I turned over, looking for Steph, then remembered she never showed up last night. Paul must have told her what I’d done. What an asshole I’d been. I’d be lucky if anyone wanted to talk to me for a while.

To be honest, I was glad Steph wasn’t there. Sure, I fucked her from time to time, but I never felt good afterwards. I never liked waking up next to her. I always hated myself. Being with anyone but Carolyn still hurt like crazy and made me feel like a piece of shit. Using Steph didn’t make me feel good either.

I looked at the clock next to my bed. Six a.m. on the dot. I was so set in my routine I didn’t need to set an alarm anymore. I woke at the crack of dawn each morning and caught the early morning surf.

It took a long time to get like this though. For months, getting out of bed was a struggle. Getting back into the ocean took even longer.

The accident shook me to my core. Robbed me of everything and everyone I’d ever loved. If I’d had the courage to kill myself, I would have. I honestly don’t know what kept me from doing it. Other than surfing that is.

I went to the back deck to get a wetsuit off the clothesline. It was another perfect, cloudless day and it was already warming up. I came back in the house and noticed the crumpled up picture of Carolyn next to my keys and wallet on the kitchen table. Proof that the shit show last night hadn’t just been a bad dream.

I flattened the picture and put it up on my fridge next to the other pictures of Carolyn and her daughter, Tamara. I paused to look at them but quickly walked away to get changed before I got sucked into another pit of depression.

I loved getting on the water early in the morning because not many people were out yet and it was peaceful. The best spot to surf wasn’t far down the highway. It was a gorgeous spot and always had perfect waves. I grabbed my things, got in my Jeep, and headed there.

The parking lot on top of the cliff was empty when I pulled up. A steep, winding trail led down from the cliffs to the beach but before heading down, I went to my lookout point. I always went there before my surf. It’s a patch of grass covered with wildflowers on an outcrop of rock hidden by trees. I go there and look out at the ocean, the morning mist rising off the water, and try to find some sort of peace inside.

Memories of Carolyn and Tamara playing and laughing in the wildflowers flashed through my mind. The girls loved it there. It was our weekly tradition to pack a picnic and come here to eat dinner and watch the sunset. Carolyn was an amazing cook and an even better mother. Sometimes, she’d make crowns for her and Tamara out of the wild flowers. Tamara fell over laughing when Carolyn made one for me too.

I never knew Tamara’s father. Carolyn was single when I met her. I’d heard about him though.

I heard about the time he threw Tamara’s puppy off a two hundred foot high bridge just to see what would happen when he hit the water. I heard about the time he held Carolyn’s head under the water in the bathtub until she almost passed out. I saw with my own eyes the bruises, scars, and cigarette burns on both Carolyn and Tamara.

Tamara was four years old when Carolyn finally decided she couldn’t take the abuse any longer. She was terrified to leave, but she was more terrified of the kind of life her daughter would have if she stayed.

One night when her ex was passed out drunk on the couch, she packed up the car and left with Tamara in the middle of the night. She drove for hours and didn’t have any idea where she was running to. She had no one to turn to and no where to go. It was pure survival instinct that kept her going.

She didn’t stop until she reached the ocean.

That’s when I met her. I’d just finished my morning surf. I was soaking wet and carrying my board up the path to the parking lot. This is the exact spot I first laid eyes on her. She was glowing in the morning sun like an angel, her little daughter asleep in her arms. She smiled at me and in that moment I knew she was the woman I’d been looking for all my life.

From then on, we were inseparable. I helped Carolyn get set up and start her new life here in Pismo Beach. She literally had nothing with her, no clothes, no furniture, and no money. I insisted they stay with me while they got settled. Days grew into weeks, and weeks grew into months and they never ended up finding their own place. I didn’t want them to. I loved having them in my home with me. I spent all my time with those two girls. When I was with them, I felt whole.

It didn’t take Tamara long to warm up to me. I never thought I wanted kids until she came into my life. The way she looked at me, the way she laughed when I threw her in the air, or clung to me when I tried to send her to kindergarten, made me feel like she was my very own flesh and blood. And that’s how I loved her, like she was my own.

One night, about a year after they moved in, I walked past Tamara’s room as Carolyn was tucking her in for the night. I heard Tamara say she wished I was her real dad, and Carolyn said she did too.

That was the only time in my life I ever cried from happiness.

The next morning I asked Tamara for permission to marry her mother. I was nervous, even though I knew she’d say yes. We planned my proposal together, taking extra care to make sure it would be as romantic as possible. Tamara insisted we make her breakfast in bed and hide the ring in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Of all the places to put an expensive engagement ring, that was about my last choice, but who was I to argue with the romantic imagination of the cutest girl in the world?

I could tell Carolyn knew something was up when she caught me nervously watching her take a bite out of the sandwich. I was half nervous about asking her, and half nervous she’d choke on the damn thing. Although my nerves didn’t give it away as much as Tamara did when she leapt to her feet on our bed and asked if the ring was in her mouth yet.

We all laughed and within seconds Carolyn’s laughter turned to tears of happiness when she opened the sandwich and found the ring.

I took it from her and cleaned it off before putting it on her finger. I told them both how much I loved them, and how my life only became complete when I found them. I promised I would never do anything to hurt them. I swore I would always protect them and keep them safe. They’d been through enough pain and suffering, and I vowed to keep them from it always.

Carolyn said yes, over and over, and then we kissed passionately. Tamara wrapped her little arms around both of us and giggled in happiness. They were my family, and everyday I thanked God for bringing them into my life.

I felt my body tense and my fists clench as I stared out at the ocean. I took a deep breath and let out a long sigh. It was hard to think that terrible things could happen in a world as beautiful as the one before my eyes. I bent down and picked the two most beautiful wildflowers in the patch and headed back to my jeep to grab my board.

The ocean water was always cooler in the morning, but that’s the way I liked it. The cold hit me in a cleansing, refreshing way. I held the flowers between my teeth, climbed on my board, and paddled out into the waves, following the path of light toward the rising sun. I sat up on my board, holding the wildflowers in my hand. Softly, I said the prayer that Carolyn, Tamara and I said together every single morning.

Dear Lord,

Please keep your loving arms around our family. Keep us always protected, secured, loved and blessed.

Amen

I put the wildflowers in the ocean in front of me. They drifted away as I watched the first wave of the morning rise up before me. I paddled hard, caught the wave just as it was taking shape, and let the ocean take control.

CHAPTER 10

MEADOW

I woke with a start, glancing around the room frantically. I had no idea where I was. I wasn’t in my bedroom and it took a few seconds for the events of the day before to come rushing back to me.

I was in a motel. I’d walked out on Matt. I was in a completely new town, and some asshole had insulted me in front of the entire bar.

I rolled over to check the time on the large, outdated clock radio. Six a.m. I was exhausted, and really, I had nowhere I needed to be, so I rolled over to fall back asleep. I felt like I could sleep for a year straight.

Seconds later, my eyes shot wide open and I sat straight up in the bed. I had to get up and find a drug store before the town came to life. I was wearing last night’s makeup, yesterday’s clothes, and I didn’t need to look in a mirror to know my hair was a fright. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and ran my fingers through my hair.

When was the last time I ever left the house without my hair and makeup done?

Never.

I was not looking forward to going out in public like this.

Before I left my room, I wanted to know exactly where I was going so I could get there as quickly as possible. I grabbed my purse and reached inside for my phone, sitting back down on the bed to do a quick search. I hit the home button and got no response. I hit the home button again, and then every other button a few times before finally accepting that my phone had died.

Of course I forgot my charger.

I put my shoes on, grabbed my sunglasses, and left without even glancing at the mirror. Why look when I already knew what I’d see?

At least it was already sunny out so I could hide behind my shades. I got in my car and drove around to the Motel lobby. As much as I didn’t want to be seen, I did want the free coffee I saw advertised when I checked in. I approached the door and was relieved when I looked through the glass and didn’t see anyone at the front desk. I could sneak in, grab my coffee and be on my way.

I opened the door and an electronic bell chimed above my head.

Damnit, I grumbled to myself.

“Good morning, Miss. You’re up early. Did you sleep well?”

The receptionist was an older woman, just emerging from the back room.

“Ha, ha. I did. Sorry to disturb you, I just wanted to grab a coffee.”

“Oh, no disruption at all. The overnight shift can be a lonely one, so this is my favorite time, when the guests start to wake up. What brings you to Pismo Beach?” she asked with a smile.

Clearly, my plan to grab a coffee without being spotted had failed. Not only did it fail, but I ran into the one person who was desperate enough for human interaction that she was willing to talk to me without any makeup on.

It was hard to be too annoyed with her though. She was friendly and polite and I gave her a genuine smile.

“Well, I guess you could say I ended up here by accident. I left Palo Alto yesterday, determined to drive as far away as possible. This is as far as I got.”

“Well, what a lovely town for you to stumble upon. I’ve lived here my entire life. My late husband and I opened this motel together forty-eight years ago.”

She pointed proudly at the portrait of the couple in their younger years hanging on the wall behind her.

“I hope you’re staying a while. It’s so beautiful this time of year. I’m sure your room is available for the next couple nights.”

She flipped through the reservation book to double check.

“Oh, I don’t think so. I really should be on my way.”

“I didn’t realize you were on a schedule. Where are you headed?”

I still hadn’t given it any thought.

Where was I going?

What was I doing?

Did I really think leaving my husband would be as simple as getting in my car and driving away?

“I just need to get away. Far away.”

“And this isn’t far enough?”

“I don’t think so.”

The lady nodded as if she knew exactly what I meant.

“Trouble with your old man?” she said, genuinely concerned.

“Let’s just say, it’s time for a fresh start. A new beginning. To be honest, I’m not sure where I’m headed, but I trust God to land me in the right spot,” I said while putting a lid on the paper cup of coffee.

“If there’s one man worth putting your trust in, it’s Him,” she said with a motherly smile.

“Actually, one place I do need to go to today is a store. Is there a place I could pick up some bathroom essentials, clothing, a phone charger?”  

The woman’s eyebrows rose.

“You really are starting from scratch, aren’t you?”

I nodded.

“Well,” she said, “there are a few little stores near here but if you’re looking for a one stop shop, you’ll want to head to Walmart. Right down the highway, along the coast. It’s so early though darling, nothing will be open for at least another hour.”  

I slumped in disappointment but the woman laughed.

“Come on, it’s not that bad.”

With that, she put a tray of fresh, still warm muffins on the counter and offered me one. I gladly accepted.

She watched me as I chewed.

“Take two back to your room. You never can have too many fresh muffins, that’s my motto.”

She slipped two steaming muffins into a takeaway bag and handed it to me. I wanted to run around the counter and throw my arms around her. I hadn’t seen kindness like that in a very long time.

CHAPTER 11

MEADOW

I got back into my car with the coffee and fresh muffins but instead of heading back to my room, I decided to go for a drive. It was such a beautiful morning, and since I got into town so late, I really hadn’t seen what Pismo Beach had to offer. I followed the signs for the beach.

I rounded a corner and caught my first glimpse of the Pacific Ocean. It was breathtaking. The morning mist was lifting in the distance and the sun sparkled on the water like diamonds. I was in awe. The beauty was distracting as I tried to drive along the road, curving my way around steep cliffs.

Around the next tight bend, I noticed a beautiful beach at the bottom of the cliff. A little further up was a parking lot. One other car was parked there, a Jeep, but no one seemed to be around. I decided to stop and take in the view while I enjoyed my breakfast. I parked facing the ocean, opened the sunroof and put down all the windows. The ocean air was warm and fresh.

From the corner of my eye I noticed a man carrying a surfboard down to the beach. He was in the distance but I could tell from the way his wetsuit clung to his body he was super hot. I stopped what I was doing and watched in a trance as he made his way to the ocean.

For the second time since arriving at Pismo Beach, I realized I was in a town with an unusually hot male population.

As he walked, he switched his board to the other arm, and that’s when I noticed he was also carrying two wildflowers. Two wildflowers that seemed very out of place. He was rugged and ripped with long, messy hair and a stubbled face but there he was, holding two vibrant, delicate flowers.

It made me curious.

I didn’t take my eyes off of him as he walked toward the water. He paused at the water’s edge and looked around as if he was afraid someone would see what he was doing. The second his face turned my way I recognized him.

It was that asshole from the brewery the night before.

Of course it was. Just my luck.

There I was, trying to have a relaxing morning, and now my blood was boiling. I wanted to scream. He’d been so freaking mean. So freaking rude.

The day I finally put myself first, the day I leave my cheating, lying husband behind, what does the first man I encounter do?

He treats me like shit, that’s what.

What did I ever do to the universe that I deserve such bad treatment from men. I honestly couldn’t imagine a girl with less luck in the love department than me. First, I was cursed with falling in love with a lying cheat. Now, I’m cursed with strangers calling me fat in restaurants!

Maybe it was me. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I brought it on myself.

I’d played my part in the scene at the bar last night. I’d said some pretty awful things to that guy, things I regretted. I’d called him a sad, pathetic drunk. That wasn’t like me.

But looking at him now, I knew I didn’t deserve what he’d done. The comments, the insults, the big, heavy duty chair.

Fuck. Him.

I hated this jerk. I don’t care how hot he is.

I watched him paddle his board out into the ocean. He lay flat on his board with the flowers in his mouth to protect them. Despite my anger, I was still curious to see what he was doing with those flowers.

Why on earth was he bringing them out to the water?

And why did his ass have to look so damn perfect in that wetsuit?

Seriously, it was like a perfectly ripe piece of fruit. No, one of those marble statues from ancient Rome. I imagined grabbing those two, ripe cheeks in my greedy hands and squeezing them.

As the waves began to wash up against him, I felt a wetness of my own between my legs.

What would it feel like to hate fuck that guy? For him to really give it to me? For him to take out all the anger from the night before, all the aggression and rage, and unleash it on my tiny, defenseless body?

I squirmed in my seat.

He sat up and straddled his board, holding the flowers as he stared off into the distance. The board rose and fell with the rise and fall of the waves. I couldn’t help but imagine the abs that must have been under that wetsuit. The way the sun was shining down made him glow.

The way he looked, sitting there staring at the ocean, made me feel there must be more to him than what I saw the night before in the brewery.

I watched as he carefully placed the flowers in the water in front of his board. He slowly sat back up and I was pretty sure I saw his hands make the sign of the cross.

Was he really praying out there?

The jerk from last night, the guy who humiliated me for eating too much, was actually having a moment of peaceful prayer?

Wow.

What did that mean?

What did it say about me if I was able to offend even someone like this?

I was strangely touched by the scene. If this was the first time I’d seen him, I’d have been smitten. I’d have been seriously in love. I felt embarrassed when I thought of what he’d seen of me. What we’d seen of each other. He only knew one side of me. I am not the woman he met. I was exhausted, pushed to my breaking point, and even though it was definitely he who’d been the asshole, I wished I could have somehow come off better from the exchange.

What did I know about him? I’d been having a bad day but maybe he was going through something too. What had the bartender said to me? Something about going easy on him?

He moved back onto his stomach, and paddled towards a wave. I watched in awe as he hopped to his feet and caught it. He had such skill, such control, it was obvious he’d been surfing for years.

He looked amazing, a God of the waves. I watched him ride as I finished my muffin and coffee.

I didn’t even notice the time passing until the radio announcer said that it was eight-thirty a.m. That meant the stores were open. I took a final sip of my coffee and started my car. I watched him ride one more wave, and then backed out of my spot and got back on the road.

I rushed into the store to buy the few essentials I needed to make myself presentable. I started with the bathroom basics, a toothbrush, toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, hair brush, a hair straightener, hair spray, facial cleanser, deodorant and a few more makeup options, foundation, concealer, eyeliners, eyeshadows and the must have mascara.

Like I said, just the bare essentials!

Next, I made my way to the women’s clothing section. I was pretty convinced there’d be nothing that I’d actually be caught dead in at Walmart but I found a bra and a few pairs of underwear that didn’t look too bad. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw some adorable dresses and tops too. There were even cute flip flops with gold flowers between the toes.

I had no idea I’d like Walmart so much. The clothes were great. Maybe being out on my own wouldn’t be so bad after all. Matt had trained me to think I needed fancy, expensive things, but maybe he’d just wanted me to believe that so I’d be too afraid to leave him. I was so set in my designer lifestyle that I never even thought to look in a store like this. I was genuinely excited about the items in my cart as I strolled through the clothing section. Getting an all new wardrobe was going to be fun. I grabbed another beautiful summer dress and threw it in on top of the rapidly growing pile.

It was perfect for the beach, but it was classy too, perfect for a date in a fancy restaurant. I had an idea. I’d go back to the brewery that night in it. Maybe my guy would be there. My enemy. Maybe he’d be sober and apologize for his drunken behavior the night before. Maybe we’d both have a second chance to make a good first impression.

When the cart was completely full I made my way to the checkout. As the cashier rang everything through, I noticed the phone chargers on display. I grabbed one, wondering if I’d have any messages waiting for me on my phone.

Had Matt even noticed I was gone yet?

Was he trying to get a hold of me?

The cashier told me the total, and even though I had a purse full of cash, I handed her my credit card. I was curious to see if Matt had cut me off yet.

“Ma’am, it says your card has been declined,” he said bluntly.

“I had a feeling that would happen,” I said, reaching into my purse.

The reality of my situation really sunk in then. I’d known Matt would cancel my cards, but it still hurt. It was a final slap in the face.

It hurt and it made me feel scared too. It wasn’t easy to know for certain I was alone. The money I had in my purse really was all I had in the world.

And I had no idea how long I could make it last.

CHAPTER 12

MEADOW

I made a short stop back at the motel to charge my phone while I showered and got ready for the day. I was pretty pleased with myself when I noticed the piece of cheesecake I took from the brewery last night still sitting uneaten on the desk. I picked away at it while I got ready, but could feel myself getting hungry for an actual meal. I finished up in the room, grabbed my phone, and headed out to find a restaurant for lunch.

Pismo Beach really was cute with all it’s little independent shops and restaurants. It was your typical beach town and I loved the vibe. Everything moved at a slower pace and the people were all so happy and friendly. Maybe I would take the lady’s advice and stay for a few days. It could be nice. I popped in to the front desk and booked my room for a few more nights.

I walked passed a couple restaurants and decided to try the one on the corner. It had teal blue paint and a mural of the beach with surfers painted on one of the side walls.

I walked inside and was greeted by a friendly server. She sat me at a booth and then came back with a menu.

“Coffee?” she said.

“Please.”

She came back with a cup of coffee and looked like she wanted to make conversation.

“You must be from out of town,” she said.

“Am I that obvious?” I said, laughing.

“No, no, just it’s usually locals in here. It’s always fun to get an out-of-towner. I’ll give you a few minutes with the menu.”

It was your standard breakfast menu but with a heavy seafood influence. The salmon bagel, crab Benedict, and shrimp omelette all looked good. They were more appealing since we were right on the ocean. I knew it would be fresh. I closed the menu and waited for her to come back.  

“I’ll have the salmon bagel,” I said when she returned.

“My favorite,” she said, smiling.

She was friendly and I really liked the little restaurant. As she walked back to the kitchen to place my order, I reached for my phone to see what kind of messages and emails were waiting for me.

Thirty-seven unread text messages!

Ouch.

Almost all of them were from Matt and I felt uneasy as I looked through them. There were also a few from my best friends wondering where I’d disappeared to. I suspected Matt had reached out to them to see if they knew where I was. He’d always been controlling like that.

I didn’t reply to any of them.

My emails loaded in and I noticed one from a sender I didn’t recognize. The Brotherhood. Who was that? The subject line read, “We took it easy on him.”

Curious, I opened it. It was short and to the point.

Meadow

We thought you’d like to know what happened to your wedding band. Apologies for being so crass but your asshole husband had it coming.

Link.

You deserve better than this guy.

The Brotherhood.

I clicked the link and it opened a website where wives could post pictures of their asshole cheating husbands. I scrolled through pictures of humiliated husbands caught in the act when I recognized Matt. He was sitting on our bed. When I realized it was a video I felt sick to my stomach. I was nervous to click play.

I glanced around the restaurant to make sure no one was watching, then took a deep breath and tapped the video with my finger.

The video was shaky, taken on a phone. The picture quality wasn’t the greatest but it was clear they were in my home in Palo Alto. I recognized the men who’d shown up at my house the night before on motorcycles. They were The Brotherhood.

I’d known the second I saw them they were trouble. They were dressed in biker leathers, all of them muscular and tattooed. Matt was terrified of real men like that. They told me they were there for Matt and that I should let them in. Instinctively I knew they were on my side. They were there to punish Matt. So I stepped aside and let them in.

Matt was sitting on the bed, hysterical, close to tears, and the men were crowded around him.

I had to hit pause. I couldn’t watch. I felt sick. I felt sick knowing that I just let those guys walk into my home, knowing full well they weren’t going to be kind to Matt. I felt awful.

What kind of wife would do that to her husband?

Tears streamed down my face. I covered my mouth to avoid making any noise that would draw attention to me. I slumped down and tried to compose myself.

I could hardly breath and my whole body was shaking. I had to keep watching though. I had to know what happened.

My mind raced and my heart beat faster and faster. I held my phone down below the table, turned the volume low, and hit play.

CHAPTER 13

MEADOW

I quickly hit pause again when I felt someone standing over me. It was the waitress.

She placed my salmon bagel down in front of me and noticed I was crying. She put her hand softly on my shoulder.

“You’re really having a couple of hard days, aren’t you?” she said.

I looked up at her, confused.

“I was at the brewery last night,” she said. “I saw everything that went down. I want to say that you handled yourself with class.”

“I didn’t feel classy at the time,” I said, wiping the tears from my face.

She squeezed my shoulder affectionately. “You handled yourself very well. He was being an asshole and everyone knew it.”

I let out a little sob of relief. It was good to know people didn’t think I’d started that scene.

“Ugh. I’m such a mess. I’m sorry for causing a scene.”

“You’re not causing a scene at all, don’t worry. Is everything okay?”

“You’re right, it has been a hard couple of days, but I’m okay. Thank you so much for looking out for me.”

“Well, let me know if you need anything. Or just move over to the counter if you want someone to talk to. I know we don’t know each other, but I promise I’m a really good listener. My name is Sandra.”

She put her hand out to shake mine.

“I’m Meadow. It’s nice to meet you, Sandra. Thank you for being so kind.”

The kitchen rang the bell and she left to grab an order. As she walked away, I slouched back down and hit play on the video.

I watched with a tight knot in my stomach as the bikers stripped Matt naked. It was weird. Not at all what I’d been expecting to see. At least they weren’t beating him to a bloody pulp, I thought with a slight feeling of relief.

I kept watching and it just got weirder and weirder. Instead of beating him up, they bent him over the bed and took turns spanking his butt! I’m sure it was very traumatic for Matt but I couldn’t help let out a little giggle. They’d promised to give him what he deserved and I felt that’s what they really were doing.

They weren’t being gentle at all and his ass turned bright pink as he squealed for them to stop. I could tell they didn’t intend to hurt him, but they sure did mean to humiliate him. They were there to teach him a lesson.

Given the fear and shame on Matt’s face, it was working. He was in tears, begging them to stop.

The guy holding the camera walked toward Matt. He held his hand in front of Matt’s face and in it was my wedding band.

I became paralyzed with fear and guilt. The second Matt saw it was my ring, the ring he placed on my finger the day we vowed to love and protect each other, he’d know I allowed this to happen.

I wanted to throw up.

The guy spoke to Matt with a stern, cold voice.

“You fucked up your marriage, now let’s show you how it feels to be fucked.”

The bikers were laughing. They handed Matt a bottle of lotion and the ring and it was clear what he was expected to do. I couldn’t believe it!

I almost laughed out loud as I watched Matt shake his head. The men were insistent though, and reluctantly, Matt shoved the wedding ring up his ass.

I couldn’t help it. I bit my lip and covered my mouth. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Talk about poetic justice!

I felt awful for Matt, but there was something so satisfying about it. I didn’t even know who these men were, or how they knew Matt was a cheater, but it felt really, really good to have my honor defended by them.

Finally, someone was standing up for the housewife! Finally, someone was showing the hotshot, cheating husband that he was an asshole, and that his behavior was unacceptable. Finally someone wasn’t afraid to say what they thought of men like him, men who cheated on women who loved them.

For years, I’d kept Matt’s cheating to myself. I told no one, not even my best friends. I protected his guilty secret better than even he did. I was so mortified, so ashamed. I felt certain that his cheating was my fault, that I was somehow inadequate. And for years I didn’t even tell Matt I knew what he was doing.

I just couldn’t face it. I couldn’t bear that it was real.

It took a lot of courage for me to eventually open up. I told a few close friends what I was dealing with. I told them Matt was cheating and that I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and thrown in the gutter.

These were the women I felt closest to in the world, the ones I shared everything with. We lived in the same neighborhood, had similar lifestyles, and had married similar men. Every one of them told me to shut up about it. They told me not to rock the boat. Ignore it. They said I needed Matt, that I couldn’t survive without him, and that I should consider myself lucky to have a man who could give me such a luxurious life.

Boys will be boys, they said. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe it.

I felt so helpless.

Sitting there now, watching those men teach Matt a lesson, I didn’t feel helpless anymore. I finally felt vindicated. The video ended with Matt lying naked on the bed, shaking, my wedding ring shoved up his ass. They could have beaten the crap out of Matt easily. They could have killed him. But instead, they videotaped this and sent it to me. They were sticking up for me.

They understood that Matt had destroyed me, destroyed my love, my confidence, my feelings of self worth, and they took action.

I replayed the video and it was difficult to say how I felt. There’d been a time when I loved Matt so much I would have died for him. From the moment I met him, I loved him. The entire time we were together, I tried to be the perfect woman for him. I worked to keep things fresh and exciting. I made sure I always met his needs, in and out of the bedroom. I learned the names of his business associates and made friends with their wives. I kept the house tidy. I cooked and cleaned. I always looked my best. I encouraged him when he was starting his company.

I never so much as looked at another man. I didn’t need to, Matt was my everything.

We had the most amazing honeymoon together. We were so happy and so in love. I felt like I had hit the jackpot. We spent two weeks in a secluded, luxury hut on the crystal clear waters of Bora Bora. When we were planning our honeymoon, we had every intention of going out and exploring the island, but all we did for two weeks straight was have sex. Hot, passionate, intense sex, and it was amazing. We consummated our love all over every inch of our tropical honeymoon home. I was in heaven.

When we got home, Matt immediately had to leave for a conference in New York. I was fine with it. I was happy he was succeeding in his career. I pictured him bragging to his work friends about all the amazing sex we’d had on our honeymoon. Within a day of him leaving, every inch of my body longed for him. I wanted to be close to him, and more than that, I wanted to feel him inside me again.

I was completely his, completely addicted to him. I couldn’t imagine life without him.

So I decided to surprise him. I was positive he’d be as thrilled to see me as I’d have been if he surprised me. I booked a flight to New York and eight hours later, I was hailing a cab from JFK to his hotel. The entire cab ride, I was wet, picturing what we’d do to each other in his hotel room. It would be like our honeymoon, all over again.

With some gentle sweet talking of the front desk staff of the hotel, and the help of our marriage certificate, I was able to get a key to Matt’s room. He had been texting me earlier in the morning, telling me how much he missed me, and that he couldn’t wait to get home to me. I couldn’t wait to see his face when he got back to his room and found me lying there, naked, handcuffed to his bed.

I squirmed with anticipation as I rode the elevator up to his suite. As I walked down the hallway, I felt giddy and had butterflies. Even though we’d dated for years before getting married, he still gave me butterflies. I thought it was a sign our love was real. I was so excited to surprise him. I slid the key in the slot, opened the door, and dropped my bags to the floor.  

A very blonde, very naked woman was bouncing up and down on my new husband’s lap. He was thrusting powerfully into her, his back to me, and her huge breasts bounced with each thrust. She saw me instantly and started to scream. Matt took it as a sign of her pleasure and pounded her even harder.

I was in utter shock. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. I almost blacked out.

I was treated to the sight of him reaching up and grabbing her breasts as she continued to scream, louder and louder. His thrusts grew more forceful and then he gasped, forced himself deeper inside her, and moaned in the ecstasy of an orgasm I thought was reserved only for me.

He never even heard me open the door. The girl was still screaming but I think it was her orgasm, rather than my unexpected arrival, that was the cause of her excitement.

I didn’t know what to do. I shook my head in disbelief. The woman’s eyes locked on mine as she finished climaxing. She must have known who I was. It was so obvious. I must have looked so pathetic to her, so weak. I shook my head and lifted my finger to my lips.

She understood instantly.

I picked up my bag, backed out of the room, and shut the door as quietly as I could. I have no idea how Matt’s date with her ended, if she left quickly or spent the rest of the week fucking his brains out, but I know she never mentioned my presence to Matt. He never knew what I’d seen.

I walked back to the elevator like a zombie. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t even breathe. I managed to push the elevator button and as the doors shut behind me, I burst into tears of such anguish I thought I’d die. I was so shocked I couldn’t stand. I fell to the floor and sobbed like an idiot.

I couldn’t believe what had just happened.

The elevator slowed as it approached the lobby and I forced myself to pull it together. I wiped my face, got to my feet, and straightened myself out. When the doors opened I strode across the lobby with my bags and never looked at the front desk staff who’d just given me the key. I don’t even know if they noticed me leave. I got straight into a cab and twelve hours later I was back in my house.

But it didn’t feel the same. It wasn’t home anymore. It was just four walls filled with expensive furniture and fancy things I didn’t care about. I never said a word of my trip to anyone.

But I was never the same person again.

Matt got home and I kissed him on the cheek like a dutiful wife. I asked him how his trip was and he said he was exhausted. I asked if he needed anything and he gave me a bag full of dirty laundry.

I felt I’d already failed as a wife. I felt it was my fault and I had to work harder to make it up to him. I felt I wasn’t good enough for him. Even as I smelled the other woman’s perfume from his clothes when I did the laundry, I told myself it was all my fault.

I died that day. Not physically, but emotionally.

Watching those bikers force Matt to shove my wedding ring up his ass was probably the only thing in the world that could have brought me back to life. I sat there, pressing play on the video on my phone, over and over. Each time I watched it, I felt my heart come a little more back to life.

After watching it about fifty times, I opened my email, clicked on The Brotherhood’s email address, and wrote a two word response.

Thank You.

CHAPTER 14

KANE

I hadn’t intended to spend so much time on the water. I was surprised when I saw I’d been surfing over three hours. It felt good. After everything that happened the night before, I needed it.

I got dressed by the Jeep, sitting on the passenger seat while I pulled off my wetsuit and got into some jeans and a white t-shirt. I checked my face in the mirror and winced. It would take a few days for the bruises to clear. Those guys had really let me have it. Oh well, I deserved it. When you act like a pig, you should expect to get treated like one.

I was starving and went straight from the beach to the café, parking across the street. When I looked inside I saw Sandra. If I remembered correctly, she’d been at the brewery last night and must have seen my performance. Still, she waved and reached for a cup to start pouring me a coffee.

I walked inside and the smell of fresh bacon made my mouth water.

I made my way to my usual spot at the counter and did a double take when I saw the woman from the brewery last night sitting in a booth. She hadn’t seen me yet, but Sandra made eye contact with me as she topped up the woman’s coffee. The look she gave me said I better behave this time.

I should have known I wouldn’t be getting away with what I’d done.  

I sat on the stool and reached for the newspaper as I took the first sip from my coffee.

“Really?” Sandra said. “The newspaper, Kane?”

“What?” I said, feeling sheepish.

“You never read the paper.”  

She was giving me a hard time. It was obvious I was trying to avoid being noticed by that woman.

“You having your usual?” Sandra said.

I nodded awkwardly.

Sandra put some cutlery on the counter in front of me and leaned in.

“What was wrong with you last night. You were a complete jerk.”

“Please don’t remind me.”

“I’ll tell you what. You apologize to her and I’ll drop it.”

“Apologize?”

“You owe her that much.”

“I got the shit kicked out of me.”

“Not by her.”

I looked at Sandra then over at the girl I’d been so mean to. I didn’t even know why I’d picked on her. She’d just been in the wrong place at the wrong time.

“I know,” I said. “You’re right. I don’t know what came over me.”

“I’ve never seen you like that. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you weren’t a nice guy.”

I nodded. It was true. I really hadn’t been myself.

“She just brought something out of me,” I said. “I couldn’t handle it.”

I wasn’t used to feeling emotion anymore. I’d spent a year deadening everything. Last night it all woke up at once.

I looked behind me at the woman as casually as I could and debated if I should go over to talk to her. She looked like she’d been crying and I was sure I was the last person in the world she wanted to bump into.

“She’s been on her phone since she got here,” Sandra said. “I’m not sure what she’s looking at, but she was full blown crying a few minutes ago.”

“I feel like such an ass, Sandra.”

“You should.”

“You know that wasn’t me, right?”

“I don’t know what to think. All I know is an apology would be a good start.”

“She doesn’t want to hear from me.”

“You were cruel. I mean, you’re usually pretty cold. You haven’t given a girl an inch since …” her words trailed off.

“I know,” I said.

“But this girl was minding her own business and you humiliated her. You basically called her fat, Kane. In front of the entire place.”

I shook my head as the memories flooded back to me. What had I been thinking about.

“I didn’t even mean it, Sandra. I mean, look at that girl. She’s beautiful.”

“I’m not the one you need to be telling.”

“She’s perfect,” I said, unable to stop waffling.

Sandra rose her eyebrows at me as I got down from my stool and made my way over to the woman. I cleared my throat and ran my hand through my unruly hair, trying to straighten myself up a little. It was hopeless. With the bruises, there was no way I was going to look presentable.

As I approached the girl, she cut me off before I could get a word in.

“Oh great. You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Wait,” I said, holding my hands up a sign of peace.

“I guess you’ve come over to judge me for eating again? In your world women don’t eat, right?”

“Oh, God,” I said. “Please. I’m really sorry about last night.”

“You were way out of line, buddy.”

“I know. Honestly, what I said, what I did to you, that wasn’t me. I don’t know what came over me.”

“You’re an asshole. That’s what came over you.”

“I know,” I said. “If I could take it back, I would.”

“Looks like you got taught a lesson,” she said, looking at my bruises.

“I deserve a lot worse,” I said.

She smiled, and I felt it again, the rush of emotion that this girl somehow managed to stir up in me every time I saw her. I hadn’t felt this way since … since…

“Would have been nice if one of those guys got you in the nuts,” she said.

I burst out laughing. I hadn’t laughed since…

“I’m not sure I was that bad.”

“Oh, you were. You were worse. You basically tried to fat shame me. You know how chauvinistic that is?”

“Chauvinistic?”

“Yeah. It’s a big word for when guys are complete pricks to women.”

“Oh, God. I know I came across that way,” I said, bowing my head in shame. “God, all I can say is I’m really sorry. I’m really not like that.”

“Except when you’re drunk?”

“Not even when I’m drunk. Honestly. I actually find it attractive when women eat. I never want to see my girl pick at a salad when she wants a cheeseburger.”

“It’s not about food.”

“I know. It’s about everything. I was a jerk. I admit it. Please can you give me a second chance?”

She looked at me and again, the rush of emotion came pouring over me. I winked at her.

Winked!

Me!

I don’t wink at anyone. I’m the guy who’s supposed to be suicidal. I do not flirt.

She turned pink with embarrassment and looked away. When she looked back she was blushing.

“Hah,” she said, “Yeah. Whenever I order salad, I’m always disappointed and end up eating a bag of chips or something afterward.”

I smiled. I could picture girls doing that. I should have left things there but I took a step closer to her and reached out my hand.

“My name is Kane,” I said.

“Meadow,” she said, taking my hand.

I gave her a look, asking if it would be okay to sit with her, and she nodded.

“I was actually hoping I’d run into you again,” she said.

“So you could kick me in the nuts yourself?”

She laughed.

“Yeah that, but also because I wanted to apologize too.”

“Oh, you don’t need to apologize.”

“Well, I had an awful day yesterday and I probably could have handled myself better.”

“You handled yourself just fine. I was the one who attacked you.”

“Well, just so you know, ordinarily I wouldn’t have reacted so harshly.”

I let out a sigh.

“Truce?” I said.

“Truce,” she said with a smile like I’d never seen before.

Looking into her face was like looking at the sun over the ocean. It was the most beautiful thing imaginable.

“So Kane, you’re a surfer?”

“Yeah, you can tell huh?”

“Well, I went for a drive this morning and I stopped to take in the view of the ocean. I recognized you down on the beach, heading out in the water on your board. You were carrying two wild flowers. I watched as you paddled out with them and placed them in the water. It was beautiful. A really touching moment. Like a scene out of a movie.”

A knot formed in my throat. Oh God. Who was I kidding? I wasn’t ready for this.

“Kane?” she said. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. It’s just.”

“Just what?”

I stood up but I rushed and accidentally knocked over my seat behind me.

“Here we go again,” Meadow said, looking up at me in complete surprise.

“It’s …” I stammered, trying to think of something to say.

“What’s wrong with you?” she said.

“That moment was private.”

I couldn’t breathe. I had to get out of there. I picked up my chair but it got stuck under the table and I couldn’t get it free. I pulled and pushed at it harder as the leg pulled the entire table and Meadow’s coffee spilled.

She leapt up to avoid getting burned.

“You’re a loose canon,” she said.

I couldn’t believe I was creating another scene. I looked into Meadow’s face and she was crying. Great. Second day in a row I messed up her life.

“Kane, what the fuck?” Sandra called across the room.

Everyone was looking at me again.

“What are you even doing in this town?” I said to Meadow.

I wasn’t yelling but I was close to it.

“You should go back to wherever the fuck you came from.”

I stormed out of the place before Sandra had to kick me out, slamming the door behind me.

CHAPTER 15

KANE

Diary Entry

I see you sitting at a table in a restaurant and you know what I imagine doing? You want to know the truth? It sounds crazy, but I think, what if that table had a tablecloth? A long, white tablecloth.

Something that goes from the table, all the way to the ground.

I’d like to see you sitting at that table in broad daylight, in a busy, public restaurant. Lots of people around. There’s a waiter coming to your table to take your order and bring your food. There’s another waiter who brings you a bottle of wine. There’s a couple sitting at the table next to you, having a date. They’re talking to each other but every now and then, the guy looks across at you and checks you out.

It’s a fancy restaurant and you’re dressed to impress. You’ve got on a white blouse. A navy blue blazer. And a very short, very tasteful skirt. You’re sitting at the table, your legs crossed under the tablecloth, and you’re trying to mind your own business and not draw the attention of the other people in the restaurant.

Of course you don’t want to draw their attention. You’re a woman eating alone in a fancy restaurant and it’s awkward for you. You’re shy. You’re not used to being in this situation.

And then something happens that gives you the fright of your life. You feel a movement beneath the table cloth. Something brushes against your bare leg. Something’s down there!

You stifle a cry, still worried about drawing attention, and peer under the tablecloth.

I don’t know what you expected to find down there, but what you see is me!

That’s right. You’re sitting in this fancy, formal restaurant, there are people everywhere, and I’m beneath your table.

You don’t know me. You recognize me, you’ve seen me before, but you don’t know me. You don’t know what I’m doing down there, how I got there, or what it means for you. All you know is that I’m there, dressed in a black suit with a white shirt, and I’ve got my finger in front of my lips, telling you to be quiet.

“What’s going on?” you say.

“Shh,” I say.

I take the tablecloth from your fingers and pull it back down so it covers your legs perfectly, concealing everything beneath the table. I notice you squirm a little but that’s all part of the fun. You’re uncomfortable. You’re shy. You have no idea what I’m doing down there or what’s about to happen.

Slowly, I run my hands along the bare skin of your legs. Your skin is smooth and soft. So perfect. So tempting.

I force you to uncross your legs. You resist at first but I know you’re still afraid of making a scene in the restaurant. You don’t want anyone to know something’s going on. You’re too proper. Too polite to create a stir.

You uncross your legs so that you’re sitting with your feet flat on the floor, your legs going straight down. Just the way I want you.

I recheck to make sure the table cloth is perfectly straight, concealing me. Then I wait. I wait for the waiter to come back.

I know he’s back because your posture changes. You sit up straight, always the good, polite girl, and you talk to him just the way you’re suppose to.

“Is everything all right with your meal, madam?” the waiter says.

“Yes, perfect.”

“Can I bring you anything else.”

There’s a pause and I hear you return your wine glass to the table. You’ve obviously just taken a very big sip.

It’s time for me to take a sip too. I put my face between your legs and inhale your scent. The anticipation is already getting to you because I can see you’re getting wet. You know what I’m going to do to you and you can’t hide your excitement.

You want me. I know it, even though you’re trying to squeeze your legs shut as hard as you can. You put your hand on my head and push me back. I grab your wrist and force you to let me in.

“Is everything okay, madam?” the waiter asks.

Immediately, you stop fighting me, mortified that he might find me. I take advantage of the moment to force my head between your legs and slide my tongue right over the wet lips of your pussy.

“Oh,” you moan.

I slide my tongue into your pussy and make a beckoning motion with it inside you, curling it up and licking the roof of your pussy.

“Madam?” the waiter says.

“I’ll have a bottle of this wine,” you say, probably just to get rid of him.

“Very good, madam,” the waiter says.

I can tell he’s left because you start trying to push my head away again and close your legs. It’s easy for me to keep them open and continue fucking you with my tongue. You’re far too worried someone will notice what’s going on to properly resist me.

You squirm in your seat and I feel your pussy begin to gush with pleasure. I suck on it, fucking it with my tongue and making out with it. I slide my mouth over your clit and suck on your tender folds.

You lean back in the chair and raise your legs off the ground so that you can wrap them around my head. I reach up and slide my hand between your legs, fingering you with first one, and then two fingers as my mouth sucks and toys with your clit.

You’re getting close to orgasm. I can sense it. The muscles in your body are contracting in pleasure and you squeeze my head tighter between your thighs.

“Your wine, madam,” I hear.

The waiter is back.

I pull my fingers out of you and slide my tongue deep inside you, as far as it can reach.

Your climax begins to tear through you in a wave of pleasure.

“Madam, are you all right?”

I can feel your orgasm flowing through every muscle of your body. Your pussy gushes and I swallow every drop of you. When the pleasure finally subsides, you sigh in pleasure and I release you from the torments of my mouth.

“Oh, yes, I’m fine,” you say to the waiter.

“Very good, madam,” he says back.

CHAPTER 16

MEADOW

Go back to where I came from?

If only I could.

I don’t have a home anymore.

I slouched in the booth and continued to sob. What was going on with me and everyone around me? Maybe he was right. It felt like all I had done since I arrived in Pismo Beach was cry. I was getting all kinds of attention since I got there, but all the wrong kind.

It was like the universe had it in for me.

“Oh sweetheart. I’m so sorry. What just happened? Kane came over here to apologize to you, what went wrong?”

I was startled when Sandra sat down in the booth with me. I was so embarrassed, but there was something comforting about her.

“That guy is awful,” I said. “For some reason he seems to be out to get me. Every time I bump into him it’s a disaster. I don’t even know what I said.”

“Trust me. It’s not you. He’s been through some heavy things and he doesn’t have the best handle on his emotions.”

“You can say that again.”

Sandra sighed. “I know. I can’t make excuses for him, but he’s a complicated guy.”

“Everyone’s got their issues,” I said. “What makes him so special?”

“Well, you want the long version or the short?”

I looked at Sandra with an expression that said I wanted to know why this guy seemed to be trying to singlehandedly ruin my life.

She took a deep breath.

“A couple years ago there was a tragic accident in town that shook everyone, but it destroyed Kane.”

“What kind of accident?” I said, thinking about the ways Kane had acted around me and trying to make sense of things.

“He had his heart broken in the worst way imaginable. I shouldn’t say more though. He’s very private. You saw that for yourself already. He’d be livid if he knew we were talking about him. Especially what happened that day.”

“Yeah, I mentioned I saw him surfing and he flipped out.”

“Well, trust me on one thing, Meadow. It’s not you. Try not to take his behavior personally.”

“It’s kind of hard when he’s calling me fat, blowing up in front of me, losing his shit.”

“I know. I know. You’ve really seen the worst side of him, but he’s actually got a good heart.”

“I’ll have to see it to believe it,” I said, and knew I sounded harsher than I felt.

“Actually, he’s got one of the best hearts I’ve ever known,” Sandra said.

That made me feel kind of bad. It’s never a good sign when a guy with a good heart seems to hate your guts. It made me wonder if maybe he was right. Maybe it was me who was the problem.

“Well, I’ll have to take your word for it,” I said. “Because clearly he’s not making an effort to show me that he has a heart at all.”

I forced myself not to cry any more. Sandra had already put up with enough emotion from me. She hardly knew me and was being so kind. I poked at the food on my plate and gave her a weak smile.

“You really seem to be have having a rough go. Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it? I don’t mean to pry, but it seems like maybe you could use a friend.”

I looked at her. I wasn’t sure I was ready to talk about things, especially with someone I’d just met. She was kind, she had trusting eyes, but I’d been through a lot with Matt and it was a long story. I didn’t want to burden her with my tale of betrayal, crushed dreams, and a broken heart.

Why would she care? I was just a random customer.

“I’m sorry, Sandra. I really didn’t mean to create a scene in here this morning. I already feel bad enough about what went down at the brewery last night. Let’s just say, it’s been a very interesting couple of days for me.”

Sandra nodded but said nothing, leaving a silence between us that, combined with the kind look in her eyes, made me feel safe enough to say more.

“I wouldn’t even know where to start, honestly. Yesterday, I walked out on my cheating husband and just started driving. I had no plan. I didn’t know where I was going. I still don’t know where I’m going. But I know I can’t go back. I refuse to. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that I deserve better than the life I had with my husband. Kane told me to go home, but the reality is I don’t have a home.”  

Sandra reached out and put her hand on my shoulder.

“Wow. No wonder you’re feeling so emotional.”

I nodded.

“I can’t help but notice the giant engagement ring on your necklace. You keep playing with it.”  

“Nervous tick,” I said.

I stopped fidgeting with my necklace and clenched the engagement ring in a fist. I hadn’t even noticed I was playing with it. She caught me off guard by bringing it up. In the whirlwind of the last twenty-four hours, I didn’t realize I still had it around my neck. I had given the wedding band off my finger to those bikers, but I didn’t give them my engagement ring.

Had I really forgotten about it in the rush of the moment?

Or had I subconsciously held onto it because I didn’t want to believe the marriage was actually over?

Did I still have it around my neck because deep down, I hoped I’d end up back with Matt? Was it my way of staying attached to him? I’d been married to Matt for so many years. The engagement ring was all I had left to show it had ever even happened.

Sandra looked at me like she was worried she’d gone too far with her questions.

“I hate cheaters,” Sandra said. “Getting news like that is the worst pain the world. It must have been such a shock.”

I nodded. “I guess I’d known for years, but I never fully admitted it to myself until yesterday.”

“I’m really sorry, Meadow.”

“I just feel like such an idiot, you know? I should have left him years ago. The marriage was over almost before it even started. What does it say about me that I stayed with him so long?”

“It says it was a difficult decision to make.”

“I threatened to leave before, and I meant it. Last time I caught him I was sure I was done with him. But he begged me to stay. He begged and begged. He made so many promises, gave me so many gifts, even said we could start a family. That was when I stopped wearing my engagement ring. I was too upset with him. I kept the wedding band on, but I put the engagement ring around my neck. I said it would stay there until we had a marriage I could believe in again.”

“Your poor heart. You deserve better than that. Good for you for leaving him.”

“He betrayed me, he broke all of my trust. He broke my heart. He broke me, Sandra. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fix myself.”

I could feel my eyes begin to fill with tears again. Sandra took my hand in hers.

“The first time I caught him, we were just newlyweds. I never told him I knew. I kept it a secret and tried to forgive him because we were young and I was desperate to be a good wife. But he did it over and over and I started to wonder if it was my fault.”

“It wasn’t your fault, Meadow. Don’t believe that for a single second.”

“I thought about leaving him for years, but I could never find the courage to do it. I had become so dependent on him. I thought I needed him to survive.”

A bell rang above the door and Sandra looked up.

“Shoot. I’m sorry. I have to get back to work. We’re so short staffed. It’s only me running the place today. I want to hear the rest of this, Meadow. I really hope you stick around. Don’t listen to Kane. Pismo Beach is a great place for you to start over, and you have as much right as anyone to be here.”

I smiled. It was nice to feel wanted for a change.

“Oh, and don’t worry about the bill. This one’s on me. And not because I don’t think you can take care of yourself!”

I laughed. She was making a joke, but the truth was, I really was scared of proving I could fend for myself without Matt. I’d never in my life earned a single dollar. I wanted to think like Sandra, I wanted to believe that Matt was wrong about me, but I was scared.

I thanked her and packed up to leave. Before walking away, she stopped and asked one more question.

“I have to know, Meadow. What was different about yesterday? What finally gave you the courage to leave?”

I paused to think about it for a moment.

“I guess you could say I finally felt I had protection. Matt cheated on me with a girl who had something I never had. She had a Brotherhood of guys who were willing to stand up for her. They opened the door to a new life for me, and showed me I had the strength and courage to walk through it.”

CHAPTER 17

KANE

I got to my shop, put my playlist on shuffle, and turned the volume up full blast. I grabbed my tool box and headed to the boat I was working on.

The shop had been busy for weeks now, and I was thankful for it. Not just because it kept me in business, but because I really loved my job. I enjoyed working with my hands, I liked getting dirty. I liked the challenge of taking things apart and figuring out what was wrong with them, then putting them back together. I always felt proud when I returned a customer’s boat, truck, car or motorcycle to them, good as new.

I had promised the owner of the boat I’d have it fixed by the end of day so I got straight to it. I appreciated the distraction.

Not long after I started, Paul showed up. It was his day off from the brewery. He’d promised to help me out because I was so busy and he knew his way around an engine, but after what happened last night I thought he’d have changed his mind.

“Hey,” I said.

He gave me a nod that said we didn’t need to exchange any more words.

“About last night,” I said.

He shook his head.

“Don’t say anything, Kane. I’m still mad at you.”

I looked at him and gave him an apologetic smile. I knew what I’d done and he knew it too. The fact he was here said he was a better friend than I deserved.

I let him get started on a motorcycle we were fixing for a friend and got back to my own work. It didn’t take long for me to get in the zone. Working and surfing were the only two times I didn’t feel miserable and the reason for both was the same. Because I could forget myself. I could forget who I was and what had happened. With the loud music and the challenge of the engine I was working with, I forgot all my worries.

And then Paul got my attention.

“Dude, your phone keeps going off.”

“What?” I yelled over the music.

“Your phone,” he said, pointing at it.

“Sure,” I said. “I’ll get a BLT and some coffee. I missed breakfast.”

“No, idiot. Your phone. You’ve received at least ten texts in the past ten minutes. And I’m pretty sure it rang a few times too.”

“Oh. Damn.”

I took the rag from my back pocket and wiped my hands before grabbing my phone. They were all texts and missed calls from Steph. I let out a frustrated sigh. Just what I needed, more female drama. I had none of it during the two years I avoided women like the plague. I should have known better than to get involved with them again.

Women are trouble. It’s as simple as that.

I turned down the music so that I could think straight.

First text.

“We need to talk about us.”