Chapter 20

Billy

“Billy, did you know that owls are turtles?” Amy asked casually.

Her ice-cream dripped down her hand and she licked it off enthusiastically, the way that five year olds do. Alice let out a hearty laugh, but Billy just raised his eyebrows, confused by her question.

“Amy, you mean nocturnal,” Alice corrected her gently, winking at Billy.

He turned to Amy and laughed, amused by her mistake. Amy pouted out her bottom lip, as though processing where she went wrong, and then suddenly giggled right along with them.

“That was silly,” she admitted, playfully chiding herself. “Owls aren’t turtles.”

Billy was enchanted by Amy. She had the funniest ideas and never seemed to run out of things to say. They had been at the Fire Fighter’s Picnic for several hours already and not once had the child had a melt down or forgotten her manners. She was delightful. Billy loved watching Alice interact with her daughter, too. It made him appreciate her even more. She was so patient with her and explained things in a loving and gentle manner, even when she needed to correct her.

“Can Billy take me to the swings, Mommy?” Amy asked, pointing to the playground.

Amy looked at Billy with a ‘what do you think’ expression. Billy smiled and shrugged his shoulders.

“I don’t mind. I’ll take her,” he offered warmly.

“Finish your ice-cream first, baby,” Alice told her daughter, handing her a serviette. “And then wipe your mouth and hands. You will attract the ants to your sticky face,” she teased.

Amy giggled, and set to the task of quickly finishing her cone, excited to get on with the playing.

“This has been a great day,” Billy admitted, feeling more relaxed than he had in a long time.

Alice nodded and took his hand in hers, just briefly, but Amy caught the affection anyway, and smiled at them.

“Before we go home, Mommy, can we get some cockporn?” Amy asked innocently.

Billy shot Alice a surprised look before the two of them burst out laughing. Amy looked at them surprised, not sure what the joke was. Alice couldn’t stop laughing, forcing Billy to answer the little miss.

“If you mean popcorn, then, yes, if it’s ok with your mommy,” Billy answered, trying to keep a straight face.

Alice wiped the tears from her eyes and nodded.

“What’s so funny?” Amy asked, taking the last bite of her cone, not wanting to be excluded from the joke.

“Nothing, honey, of course we can get popcorn. We’ll take some home for Lisa,” Alice said, tussling Amy’s curly blonde hair.

Amy smiled and wiped her hands haphazardly with her napkin. Alice gently took it from her and helped finish the job, wiping all the stickiness away using mom spittle, the all-purpose cleaner.

“Can we go to the swings now?” Amy asked, directing her question at Billy.

Billy nodded and stood up, Amy scurrying to his side.

“You can wait here, Mommy. We’ll be right back,” Amy said, asserting her independence.

Alice raised her brows at Billy, as if to say, ‘you good?’

Billy nodded back, throwing her one of his irresistible smiles.

“Come on, Billy, let’s go,” Amy exclaimed exuberantly, skipping toward the playground.

Billy quickly caught up to her, while Alice stayed behind at the picnic table, watching them, a peaceful expression on her sun kissed face. He turned around and threw her a little wave. When he turned back, he saw Amy looking up at him with a huge smile. Damn, she was a cutie, Billy thought.

“I better hold your hand, Billy, so you can cross safely,” she said, reaching up and taking his hand when they came to a quiet road they needed to cross.

Billy accepted her hand, enjoying the sweet affection she shared with him. They arrived at the swings and Amy quickly chose one and shifted her bottom into it. Billy took his place behind her and gently pushed. He wasn’t accustomed to entertaining children, and wasn’t sure how fast or how high to push, but Amy had no qualms offering direction.

“Higher! Higher!” she shouted through her giggles.

Billy couldn’t help but laugh right along with her, and happily obliged until Amy grew tired of riding.

“Can we please go to the monkey bars?” Amy asked, taking his hand again.

“I don’t know, do you know how to climb, little monkey?” he teased.

Amy giggled and pulled his arm in the direction of the structure.

“Billy, do you have a kid too?” she asked curiously, looking up at him.

Billy frowned softly and shook his head. Amy frowned too, as if contemplating his answer.

“Why?” she asked, assuming, like all children do, that once people reached a certain age they must have a child or two hidden around somewhere.

“I guess I just never got lucky enough,” Billy said, hoping his answer would appease her.

“Does that make you sad?” she asked innocently.

Billy thought about her question for a moment. There had been an occasion or two in his life when he thought he did want to have a wife and children, but he just assumed that it would never happen for him. Yes, it did make him feel a little sad, especially when he saw the love between Alice and Amy.

“I suppose it does, a little,” he admitted, lifting her up on to the platform of the monkey bars.

Amy reached out to try and grab the first rung, but was far too short to nab it. Billy laughed and picked her up so she could reach it, but stayed close by to make sure she didn’t fall. She made her way across with plenty of help from him, then turned around and climbed back.

“Did you know that I don’t have a daddy?” she asked him as he helped her down.

Billy nodded.

“Mommy told me that he had to go away before I was born, but that he loves me anyway,” she told him quietly.

Billy shifted from one foot to the other, not sure where she was going with all of this. How did one talk to children about such heavy stuff?

“I don’t think he loves me,” she said flatly.

She didn’t sound sad exactly. She was just stating a fact. Billy shrugged his shoulders and smiled at her gently. It wasn’t fair for someone as young as she was to have to process things like that. He thought about how he felt when his mother left and the burdens she left him, always wondering what he did to deserve it, and why she stopped loving him. He wasn’t sure he ever did figure that out, but it definitely made a huge impact on his life, and his relationships. He wasn’t certain what the right thing to say to her was, but he did know he didn’t want Amy to ever feel the way he had.

He smiled at her and gently poked her in the belly, causing her to laugh.

“Your Daddy doesn’t know you, Amy, but I’m sure if he did, he would love you to pieces. As far as kids go, you’re pretty cool,” he offered sincerely.

“I think if you had a kid, you would love her pieces too,” she offered in return.

Billy laughed, grateful for their little chat.

“Thank you, Amy,” he said, offering her his hand. “Ready to go back to Mommy?”

Amy took his hand in hers and they headed back to Alice.

“Billy?” she said, looking up at him.

“Yes, Amy?”

“I love you,” she said sweetly, with no reservations whatsoever, no strings attached.

The fresh honesty of children simply couldn’t be denied. Thirty years of trauma, healed by the cutest therapist of all, in two seconds flat, he thought. With just one little sentence.

Billy bent down in front of her and smiled.

“Want a piggy-back ride?” he asked.

Amy nodded enthusiastically, a smile lighting up her face. She climbed on his back and let Billy carry her back to her mother.

* * *

Lisa was out for the night visiting friends, so after a quick dinner, Alice tucked Amy into bed. Billy had finished putting the last of the dishes into the dishwasher when she arrived back downstairs. She came at him from behind and embraced him. He turned around to face her, a relaxed grin on his face.

“Thank you for tidying up,” she said warmly.

“It’s the least I could do. Thank you for such a great dinner,” he teased.

Alice chuckled at him, squeezing his bottom.

“Yes, hotdogs and carrot sticks, gourmet food at its finest,” she exaggerated, planting a kiss on his cheek.

“I have had worse,” he admitted playfully. “Is Amy asleep?”

“Yes, we wore her out. I got away with one story tonight. Do you want to sit on the porch?” she asked, slipping out of their embrace. Billy nodded.

“Sure. Shall I pour us a glass of wine?”

“I’ll grab the glasses, you bring the bottle.” Alice giggled.

It was a beautiful evening and peacefully quiet. Billy sat beside Alice on the porch swing, with her cuddled up under his arm. They were both quiet, sipping wine and enjoying the sounds of the ranch, watching the sky change color as dusk slowly turned into night.

Alice was the first to break the silence.

“Did you enjoy your day?” she asked him softly.

Billy sighed and kissed her on top of the head. When he woke up that morning he considered backing out, maybe feigning a headache or a stomach virus. Their time together was coming to the end, and while he wanted nothing more than to spend every minute he could with her, he struggled with the guilt. He was being completely self-serving, he knew that. He liked being with Alice and he loved the sex, and when he was with her, he was happy. She was a good woman and made him feel like a good man. Even though he wasn’t.

He chose to go with her for the same reason he continued to fuck her, even knowing that in a few days he was going to crush her. He was a selfish prick. He didn’t deserve her affection, but he was drawn to her, like a moth to a flame. He couldn’t get enough of her and that trumped his guilt.

“It was perfect,” he admitted, grateful he didn’t have to meet her eyes.

“It was nice. I wasn’t sure how things would go. I mean with Amy and everything. I don’t know why I was so nervous about it,” she admitted, her tone careful and quiet.

“I get that,” he said.

He had been nervous about it, too. As much as he tried to remain detached, for Amy’s sake, it was nearly impossible. Amy had been disarming, and before he knew it, his shields were down. He enjoyed their day as a family more than he cared to admit.

Alice went quiet again for a few minutes, sipping her wine, allowing Billy to rock them back and forth in the swing.

“Do you mind if I bring up a sensitive subject?” she asked cautiously.

Billy felt his heart beat a little faster. He was suddenly nervous about what was on her mind. He took a deep breath, bracing himself.

“Am I in trouble?” he asked playfully.

Alice sat up and smiled at him.

“No, of course not. I just wanted to ask you something,” she said, taking his hand in hers to reassure him.

“Okay,” he answered tentatively.

“We haven’t really talked about what this is between us, Billy. I suppose I have been avoiding the conversation because I wasn’t really sure of my own feelings,” she explained, a nervous look on her pretty face.

Billy wanted more than anything to shut down the discussion before it could really begin. He wasn’t sure he could reply to any of her questions honestly and telling her the truth would be disastrous. He had hoped to avoid the talk about what this was, preferring to make his exit before it ever came up.

Maybe it was his ego, but there was also a part of him that was curious about what she needed to say, and the truth was, he wasn’t sure how to avoid it anyway. He nodded, waiting for her to continue, choosing to hear her out first.

“I guess it’s no surprise that I have been attracted to you since early on. By now you know I’m not the kind of woman that jumps into anything easily, especially romantically. I guess I figured what the hell, you were leaving at the end of the summer, and clearly we had a physical attraction to each other.”

She looked to him for validation, her eyes searching his.

“I would say that’s a fair assessment.”

“I tried to tell myself that it was just physical. It had been so long since I allowed myself to have some fun, you know? But somewhere along the way, I kind of fell for you. Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m guessing you might feel that way too?” she asked, pulling no punches.

Billy smiled weakly, afraid to reveal too much. She wasn’t wrong, but he thought he had hidden his feelings better than that. Truthfully, he had never experienced that level of emotion before. The passion, the intimacy, the affection he felt for her, it was all foreign to him. Maybe he hadn’t buried it as deeply as he’d thought.

Alice inhaled slowly, waiting for him to reply. His head was spinning, trying to find the answer, not the one in his heart, but the one that would end the panic he felt, and buy him more time.

“Yes, I’ve also been seeing the feelings develop,” he answered, his tone as noncommittal as he could make it.

Alice cocked her head at him, as though carefully decoding his words. He smiled cautiously at her, trying to calm his own nerves, as much as setting hers at ease.

“Would it be fair to say that there might be something special here, more than just a summer fling?” she asked hopefully.

Christ, woman, you’re killing me.

Billy lightly massaged her fingertips, unable to meet her eyes. It was more than a summer fling. She was the kind of woman a man would be damn lucky to have in every season, for the rest of his life. Any man but him.

“You are very special, Alice,” he agreed, offering nothing more.

He knew his answers were confusing her, but he couldn’t give her what she needed. He burned that bridge the moment he chose to deceive her, before he even met her.

Alice was an intuitive woman. He could tell by her fallen expression that she knew he was waffling. She looked disheartened, perplexed even, though she tried to mask it. He loathed making her feel that way.

He leaned in and kissed her gently, hoping to appease her, even in a small way. She kissed him back, but he could tell she was hurting. He pulled back and smiled at her, hoping it would be enough.

She looked pensively at her wine glass, swirling the liquid around as though deep in thought. Billy gently tried to change the subject.

“Amy said the cutest thing to me today when we were walking back from the playground,” he said softly.

Alice looked up at him curiously.

“Oh yeah? What did she say?” she asked, clearing her throat.

“She asked me if I knew how many testicles an octopus had.”

Billy raised his brows and grinned.

Alice laughed softly at first, which quickly turned into a belly laugh and he laughed right along with her, grateful for the comic relief. She squeezed his fingers gently, as though reassuring him that she was ok, at least that was how he chose to interpret it. He gave her another kiss, and this time she returned it more generously.

“I’m going to call it a night,” she offered quietly, as soon as their lips parted.

Billy nodded, thinking that time apart was something they both could use. She stood up and took the empty wine glass from his hand. Billy lifted himself out of the swing and put his arms around her.

“Okay. Thank you for including me today. It was fun.”

“I’ll be out in the paddock tomorrow with Solomon, starting some basic training. Stop by if you aren’t too busy,” she encouraged, a tight smile on her face.

He could tell she was guarding her feelings, but he didn’t know how to fix that.

“I asked the crew to work a few hours tomorrow, because of their short week next week, but we’ll probably wrap things up by one or two. I’ll come find you after?” he asked, raising his brows.

“I would like that,” she said, nodding her head gently and smiling.

Billy kissed her goodnight and watched her walk inside. She turned and gave him a quick nod before closing the door behind her.

He stood on the porch for a moment longer, wanting nothing more than to break down her door and carry her up the stairs to her bed, two at a time.

I’m in fucking trouble, Billy thought to himself.