Chapter 23

Alice

Alice was curled up on her bed, the curtains drawn. Although it was too early for sleep, she needed the peace and solitude her darkened room offered her.

She hadn’t heard from Billy in nearly a week. At first, she gave him the benefit of the doubt. She texted him a few times, trying to encourage some sort of playful banter.

When he didn’t respond she was hurt, but she assumed that he was just preoccupied, that he would touch base when he could. She didn’t want to come across as needy.

Saturday morning, after the fire, she tried to call him assuming that an inferno on his construction site would be something he would want to know. The number was no longer in service.

At that point uneasiness turned to full blown anxiety. She couldn’t hide from her suspicion any longer. When she heard the automated voice on the other end of Billy’s cell, it felt like she had been punched in the spleen. She wanted to justify what she was hearing on the other end of the line, but she knew it would be in vain.

Initially, the only thing she planned to do over the weekend, aside from chores, was to hang out with her daughter and have some fun, get her ready to start back to school. Her entire world was thrown off course in a matter of a few hours. That fire had not only stolen a life, but it also ripped away her hopes and dreams, finally confirming that she would never be allowed to be happy. Fate would see to that.

She just wanted to slip under her covers and cry, disappear from the pain that she had brought on herself, but she had to suck it up for Amy’s sake. She needed to be strong for her. Tonight was just a bad night, she needed time to grieve.

Joe was gone. He had succumbed in the fire.

After the fire had been extinguished, the Fire Marshall arrived to investigate, to determine the origin and cause of the blaze. The Sheriff had also been called to the ranch and spent most of the weekend leading his own investigation. They needed to determine there had been no foul play.

Lisa had kept Amy as preoccupied and distracted as she could, in order for Alice to take care of everything else. Even though her neighbor Sam came by every day to help, it was still a lot for two people to do, especially since Sam wasn’t familiar with the routine. She felt pulled in a million directions, and barely had time to process her grief, let alone dwell on Billy and where the hell he was.

Yesterday afternoon, they determined that the fire was not arson. Apparently, the point of origin was in a large room at the back of the arena, Joe’s future quarters, Alice explained to the Sheriff that they had found his body there. The Fire Marshall believed that it was most likely a lit cigarette that ignited some sawdust, which spread very quickly.

There were also full cans of paint stored in the area and when they came in contact with the extreme heat and flames, they likely exploded spreading flammable liquid everywhere.

They reported that Joe had asphyxiated from the heavy smoke. In all probability, he had been in that back room and had passed out with a lit cigarette in his hand. He had been drunk when he confronted Alice earlier that afternoon. Perhaps he had continued to drown his sorrows after they parted. Unfortunately, no one could ever know for sure what happened, but both the Fire Marshall and the Sheriff were satisfied that the cause was accidental.

Alice contacted Joe’s family so they could make arrangements. His parents were shattered, but promised to let her know when the memorial service would be. Alice was heartbroken that she and Joe would never have the opportunity to make amends. Fate had seen to that.

It was no surprise to her when none of the construction crew returned. A small part of her had hoped that they would start rolling in on Monday night, but of course no one showed. She had no way to reach any of them, not even to tell them about the fire. Billy had always taken responsibility for communicating with them.

When Alice checked the lodge for a crew list, employment records, anything with phone numbers, she didn’t find a thing. Billy left nothing behind. In fact, there was no sign that he had ever been there, and aside from the mess, nothing from the crew had been left behind either.

It was then that she realized the enormity of the situation. She had been swindled. She spent hours trying to piece together what happened, consider all the angles, make sense of what she could. Obviously the sixty grand was gone, the money she borrowed. Maybe even the last installment had been pocketed too. It had been the largest of the three.

What didn’t make sense to her was that Billy had gone forward with any of the work. It must have required a lot of effort to pull together a budget, a plan, a work crew, then supervise them day in and day out for weeks and weeks. Why not just take off after the first installment? Why go to the trouble? What was his angle?

She spent a lot of time thinking about their intimacy too. She had fallen in love with him and he made her think that he cared about her too. Although, when she really gave it some serious consideration, dissecting everything moment by moment, she realized that he had avoided every conversation that involved his sharing how he felt about her. She just took him at face value, his affection seeming so genuine. But he had given her very strange vibes along the way too, and she chose to ignore them, despite her instincts screaming at her. Wasn’t hind sight twenty-twenty.

Alice heard a soft knock on her door.

“Yes?” she answered quietly.

Lisa carefully opened the door and inched her way toward Alice’s bed, the light from the hallway illuminating her path.

“Amy is asleep. Her first day at school tuckered her out. I told her you would slip in to kiss her goodnight later,” Lisa whispered carefully, as though Alice were a wounded animal.

“Thank you for putting her to bed,” Alice answered impassively, exhaustion from the past few days catching up to her.

Even speaking was an effort.

“Are you ok?” Lisa asked, concerned for her cousin.

“I’m sad. I’m in shock. I still can’t believe any of this happened. Joe is gone, Billy is gone, and the arena is gone. All just snatched away. I’ll never get any of it back,” Alice whispered, pulling her pillow closer.

Lisa stroked Alice’s hair softly, soothing her. Alice had confided her fear to Lisa, that Billy may have played her, swindled her out of her money. She felt so foolish. In retrospect, she should have done so much more to protect them all. She had trusted him.

“I know. It is so hard to believe,” Lisa agreed, “but you have to be positive, Alice. Yes, Joe is gone, and Billy, well, good riddance! But the arena? Your dream? Why can’t we just rebuild it? That is what insurance is for. It doesn’t have to end here. We don’t need Billy.”

Alice suddenly sat up, sick to her stomach. She looked at her cousin with an alarming expression on her face, releasing a desperate groan.

“What? What is it, Alice?” Lisa asked, her voice tight with worry.

“The insurance,” Alice choked.

“What about it?” Lisa asked apprehensively.

Alice continued to stare at her cousin, her eyes wide with panic.

“Alice, what about the insurance?” Lisa pressed, her own alarm bells triggered.

“I forgot to contact the insurance company. I meant to do it right after the loan came through but I was so distracted. Billy was leaving in a few days and I kept promising myself I would take care of it when he left, but it slipped my mind. Then all hell broke loose,” Alice explained anxiously. “Oh my God, Lisa.”

Lisa shook her head slowly, as though trying to grasp what Alice was telling her.

“The arena wasn’t insured,” Alice said, enunciating each word.

“Fuck,” Lisa whispered, a most appropriate response.

“Fuck is right. I dropped the ball and now we’re all euchred. How can we recover from this? Everything I had was tied up in that Equine Centre. I borrowed against this place. How will I be able to pay that back if the arena is gone? The ranch isn’t earning enough to support that on its own,” Alice explained, her words strained.

Lisa reached out and took her hand, but Alice was too ashamed to accept comfort. She looked away, tears welling in her eyes. She fucked up, plain and simple. She had stepped out of her comfort zone and tried to follow her dreams, give her daughter a better, more secure life, and she failed.

The women sat in strained silence for several minutes until Alice finally found her voice.

“Lisa, I need some time alone, please,” she said, averting her eyes.

She didn’t want her cousin to see her falling apart. Throughout her entire life she had consistently managed to stay strong, even when her parents had died. She had always pulled herself together in the face of adversity, pushing herself forward with brilliant optimism. But today, in this moment, she was struggling to find the light.

* * *

Alice woke up the next morning feeling a little better. She helped Amy get ready for school, reflecting on her life. The past few years had not been easy ones, that was for certain, but growing up on the ranch with the love and support of her parents, she had truly been blessed. Through it all, every ill-advised choice she had made was driven by the need to provide Amy with the same love and security she had felt growing up. She had nothing but the best of intentions for the both of them, and while it would be easy to drown in regret and anger, punishing herself for her mistakes would serve no one. Especially her child.

Alice had tried desperately to recreate the life that her parents had modeled for her, instead of building a life for Amy that reflected her own truth. She may not be everything her parents were, but to Amy she was the whole world.

As long as Alice was happy, Amy would be too, and the fates could go fuck themselves.

“There’s the school bus, Mommy,” Amy said happily, looking up at her mother.

Alice nodded and crouched down to give her daughter a kiss goodbye.

“Enjoy your day, sweetie. Be kind and learn lots,” Alice said warmly, tousling Amy’s hair. “Aunt Lisa will pick you up from the bus today. Mommy has some errands to run. I may not be home until after dinner.”

“Ok, Mommy, love you.”

Amy gave her a tight squeeze and stepped up onto the school bus.

Alice quickly walked back to the house to grab her purse and car keys. She left Lisa to manage the animals for the day, and Sam promised to come by and help too. Alice knew it was just a matter of time before their generosity fizzled out. Life as it was, was no longer sustainable. She couldn’t do this on her own.

When Alice woke up that morning, she knew what she had to do. She had to let it all go and trust that her destiny was somewhere different, waiting for her. Maybe she had been using the ranch as a crutch all along. She had accused Joe of that, but here she was doing the same thing. Holding on to the ranch was her way of keeping her parents close, but it was also holding her back from the life she deserved. She was finally ready to move forward. The ranch would always be in her heart, but home was wherever she and Amy made it.

Maybe Billy had come into her life to teach her something far more valuable than what he had stolen from her.

Alice pulled onto Highway Twenty, and drove east toward Sacramento.