Chapter Twenty One - Shay
I hoped I wouldn’t step foot in a hospital for nine months.
Hell, I only just allowed myself to imagine what it’d be like to even have a baby.
I finally let myself think of holding her. Nursing her. Nudging Zach in the middle of the night when it was his turn to soothe her as she started to cry. I wanted nothing more than to see my powerful SEAL loaded with tattoos cradle a tiny bundle in his thick arms.
The thought put a lump in my throat and a curl in my toes.
If it could come true.
A week passed since I realized I was pregnant. Seven days since I argued with Zach. Five days since I worked up the courage to look through pictures my father left. Four days since I tried to contact him.
And two hours since he collapsed in the kitchen.
I never meant to keep the baby a secret from him.
The fantasy of Zach earning his baby’s smile was replaced with a new fear. Skyping with him whenever he was at liberty to call home. Going into labor alone. Dreading any knock at the door that might be the news any army family feared.
I could buy a lot of things for my child. The best clothing, education, opportunity.
But a father was priceless.
All the more reason my heart shattered in the waiting room.
Zach fell limp in my arms. Seizured. Bled so much from his nose, Azariah forced me to change before driving me behind the ambulance to the hospital. I wore Zach’s shirt and a pair of sweat pants with formal heels. Azariah promised to get me something to eat from a restaurant across the street.
I couldn’t think of hiding anything now. I managed a classy and dignified I’m pregnant, I want ice-cream between sniffles.
Azariah didn’t question it. She brought me ginger ale, a hot fudge sundae, and bitched out the nurse who claimed she was on break when she refused to find information on Zach.
I didn’t even know what happened to him?
He was fine one minute…and then…
Two hours in the hospital with no news drove me crazy. Between the nerves, morning sickness, and ill-fated citrus bruschetta hors d’oeuvres, I should have waited for the doctor while sitting on the floor in the nearest bathroom stall.
It was a strange thing for my worst fear to come to life.
I wasn’t ready for this. Getting pregnant should have been my biggest shock for the week. It was supposed to be a woman’s most crazy revelation. Instead, life threw me for a loop then, mid-way through the ride, crashed my ass down.
Azariah forced me to sit instead of pacing, but I couldn’t handle her hovering. Now wasn’t the time to piece together just how, where, why I ended up pregnant. She was a big girl. She’d figure it out. I sent her back to the house to clean up, glad for the quiet.
Another hour passed and nothing from the nurses or doctors. I bumbled through my purse for change before discovering the vending machine took credit cards. Halloween came early.
…Until the machine stuck and I hulk-raged to dislodge the candy bar and scared a passing orderly. Was it too soon to get an epidural?
I returned to my perch with a Kit-Kat I purchased and a Milky Way that dropped in its own terror. I didn’t open either. I sipped my ginger ale but regretted giving up coffee because the internet said it might be dangerous for the baby.
Were mocha frappachinos bad too? I mean, the baby needed to get used to it sooner rather than later. Her first words would probably be double pump.
No.
Her first word would be Dada.
I wouldn’t let it happen any other way.
“Shay?”
I bolted to my feet, punting the ginger ale into an unfortunate plant. I turned, candy bars in hand. Gretchen met me with a cautious smile.
“Hey,” she said. “How is he?”
Oh, guilt tasted about as good as morning sickness. I hated how I’d acted around Zach’s pretty blonde doctor, but she didn’t hold a grudge. She hugged me.
“I haven’t heard anything yet,” I swallowed. “He didn’t look...”
“What happened?”
“He just…fell. He slurred his words, and he kept rubbing his head. Then, boom. He went down. I tried to protect him when he…he…seizured. I don’t know anything else.”
Gretchen nodded. “I did my residency here. I’ll find someone who still owes me a favor and ask about Zach.”
“Thank you.”
“Don’t worry,” she said. “He’s a fighter. He’ll pull through.”
Pull through what? What the hell could completely level a six foot four, two hundred and fifty pound beast of pure muscle?
Gretchen snuck through the nurses’ station and ducked though the double doors. She disappeared into the mess of swirling white coats and dashing nurses.
It took her a half an hour to return, and I was proud that I only got sick once. Somehow she knew. She offered me a package of saltines and some apple juice.
“Did you find him?” I asked.
She sighed before sitting. “Yeah, I did. The doctor will be out to talk with us.”
“And?” I didn’t like her delay. My throat closed. “Gretchen?”
“He had some lasting effects from the head trauma he sustained in combat. An un-ruptured aneurysm. He’s heading in for surgery now.”
“And that’s…going to fix him, right?”
Gretchen nodded, pulling her hair back into a ponytail from a scrunchie over her wrist. “They caught it before any serious damage, they think. We’ll know more once he’s in recovery.”
“Oh.”
Gretchen’s sigh was a polite frustration. “I told him to get checked out. I didn’t like the headaches. But Zach was too stubborn. Didn’t want anything to prevent him from getting back into the SEALs.” She grunted. “I’m surprised the damn thing didn’t rupture when the doctor denied him the waiver.”
My hand crunched the crackers into dust. I stared at Gretchen. “He was denied?”
She scrunched her nose. “Oh, he…hadn’t told you?”
“He told you?”
“I guessed when I hadn’t heard from him after he returned from D.C.”
“So…he’s not re-enlisting in the SEALs?”
“Nope. And he’s probably pissed.”
No, he was probably heartbroken. Crushed.
I rubbed my belly. He didn’t tell me, but I should have known. He returned from D.C. and rolled with me over every square inch of the library. He took me so aggressively, just to prove his masculinity to himself, as an outlet for the aggression and frustration building in him.
And I never asked. I only argued. I only made it harder on him.
“How far along are you?”
I pulled my hand away from my tummy. Gretchen smiled.
“Sorry,” she said. “I saw the candy and the salty snacks. I assumed it wasn’t stress.”
“You assumed right.”
Gretchen leaned closer. “When did you find out?”
I shrugged. “Only a little bit ago, I’m still wrapping my head around it.”
“Does Zach know?”
I grimaced. “I told him just before he went down. Thinking that wasn’t the best time.”
“Men are so melodramatic.”
I felt bad laughing. Gretchen took my hand.
“How…” The nausea flared. I stuffed crackers in my mouth until I convinced my body I was a chipmunk instead of an expectant mother.
Gretchen understood. “Zach and my brother served together. But Robby died in the same attack that almost killed Zach. He said that Robby was the reason he had a chance to live, so he vowed to take care of me.” She shrugged. “When he got his trust, he gave me the money to open my own practice. Said it was the least he could do.”
Of course he did. It was never about the money. Not with him.
Gretchen looked nervous, twisting her fingers in her lap. “I promised to keep an eye on him after his injury. I should have done a better job.”
“You didn’t know.”
“Those headaches…”
“He hid them. He wouldn’t have told anyone.”
Not even me. Or was I not listening?
Gretchen looked up. “Do you love him?”
The lump formed in my throat. It didn’t feel right to say it if he wasn’t there.
“He invaded every aspect of my life. Now I can’t imagine one without him.”
“Hold onto that. It’ll get him through this.”
I ran a hand through my hair. “Is the surgery dangerous?”
“Doctor Milbower will do the procedure. He’s very good.”
That wasn’t my question, and her answer scared the hell out of me. “I don’t want good. I want the best.”
Gretchen’s eyebrow rose. I met her gaze.
“I mean the best,” I said. “Find out who he or she is. I’ll pay for their airfare, for their lodging, and for whatever they’d charge to do this surgery.”
“Shay, it doesn’t work this way.”
She wasn’t the first person to underestimate my bank account. “For me it does. Price is no option. I want Zach healed, better than he was before. Can you help me?”
Gretchen smiled. “You really do love him, don’t you?”
“I’m not going to miss my chance to tell him.”