Chapter Nineteen – Jack
“Rivets back-up quarterback, Matt Harrington, is playing some spectacular ball.”
The TV cast a miserable glow over the den. It was the third show praising my back-up. Nothing else was on, not even a damned baseball game. All I had was Ainsley Ruport while he verbally sucked Matt’s cock for the millions of people watching Sport’s Nation.
“He really stepped up and took control of a decimated team. After this first pre-season game, I doubt Ironfield’s worrying about their quarterback problems.” Ainsley’s vile grin filled the screen. “And if I were Head Coach Thompson, I’d be considering a real quarterback switch. With Jack Carson’s image problem and run-ins with the law, is it worth jeopardizing the entire organization for a single player?” He winked at the camera. “This knee injury might have made the Rivets’ decision for them.”
I threw the remote. It imbedded in the flatscreen and crackled the glass. A spark flew, and the TV crashed to the ground. I stood, blinded with rage, and aimed a kick for the couch.
“Jack!”
Leah stopped me before I slammed my bad leg into the sofa. Pain ricocheted from my stupid leap to my feet. I swore as the agony raged through me. Leah rushed to help.
Like I needed her pity. I waved a hand. She surveyed the den, the TV, me.
And I knew what she would say.
“Are you that much of an idiot?”
Sounded about right.
She tried to pick up the TV but stopped as she bent over. Her tummy wasn’t big enough to get in the way yet, but her hand brushed her stomach. She sighed. “I might have to ask you to help clean up.”
“Kiss, I’ll get it. Sit down. You’re fucking pregnant.”
“I’m fine.”
“You look tired.”
“And you look like you just threw a remote through the TV.”
I snorted. “I’ll buy a new one if I don’t get cut from the team.”
“Jack, don’t say that.”
“Why not? It’s true. The league is counting on it.”
I shouldn’t have paced, but sitting in the same goddamned room night after night made me crazy. The knee wouldn’t heal without moving, and I couldn’t live until I got back on the field. My legs demanded to run. My arm to throw. I couldn’t watch last season’s tapes anymore. I wanted to read a real defense.
I could handle three rushing linebackers, but this uncertainty was worse than a blitz. I had no idea what would happen to my career or how I could fix it.
Or if it could be fixed.
I might have ruined everything.
I might have already fucked myself.
“It was one pre-season game.” Leah leaned against the couch. She fanned her face and then collapsed on the cushion, dropping her purse at her feet. “Just one. The starters only played in the first quarter. If you had been there, you’d have looked just as impressive as Matt.”
“Yeah, but I wasn’t. I was on the sidelines. In fucking sweats.”
“Jack—”
“He’s a fifth round draft choice. Fifth! I was first overall. I broke records. I led the team from one of the worst records in the league to the playoffs my first year. My second year got them to the championship. This was supposed to be my season.”
“It still is.”
“Bullshit. It’s not. The league is looking for a reason to kick me out. Coach Thompson gets in my face every damn day waiting until he can make the call. And Christ…” I pointed to the wrecked TV. “The media is salivating for the moment I make one tiny, fucking mistake.”
Leah folded her hands in her lap. “You know you made a lot of mistakes in the past.”
“I’ve changed!”
“It takes time to repair a reputation. You can’t flip a switch, decide you’re changed and expect everyone to accept it.” She smirked. “If that were the case, I’d be out of a job.”
“But you know I’ve changed.” I stared at her, watching as her perfect lips parted. “Don’t you?”
Those big, chocolate eyes glanced away too quickly.
Un-fucking-real.
My heart pounded so hard I blood nearly dripped from my ears. “You don’t believe that I’ve changed.”
Leah extended a hand. “I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t say anything.”
“We’ve only really been…” She cleared her throat. “I’ve only known the real you for a few months.”
“Yeah. For as long as you’ve been carrying my baby.”
Leah’s jaw set. “That’s not fair.”
“I was good enough to give you a child.”
“I never said you weren’t a good man.”
“You never said it out loud.” I paced, despite the pain in my knee. “The team has no faith in me. The league thinks I’m a piece of shit. What about you?”
She stalled, her hand grazing her belly and the baby. My baby. I wasn’t letting her deliberate. It wasn’t a hard question.
My voice hardened. “Tell me what you think of me.”
“Why?”
“Because I need to hear it.”
“Why?”
“Because for some goddamned reason, your opinion matters more than anyone else’s.”
Leah’s silence answered for me. She reached into her purse and pulled out a photograph—a glossy image of something in black and white, and too fuzzy to make out.
“I had a doctor’s appointment today, Jack.” She swallowed. “Remember?”
No. I didn’t remember. I should have remembered. Right? Maybe?
Oh, shit.
“What is it?” I asked.
“A sonogram.” She spoke too softly. Not like she’d offend me, but like she already told me her answer. “Everything’s good. The baby’s healthy and growing.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you had a doctor’s appointment?”
“I did. You said you’d meet me there.”
I stared at the fuzzy lines on the photograph until they suddenly made more sense. A head. A body.
A baby.
My baby.
And I wasn’t there to see it.
“You should’ve reminded me.” My anger welled. I wanted to rage, but no way in hell was I risking a wrinkle to even the corner of the most amazing picture I ever saw in my life. “Why didn’t you remind me?”
“I did, last night in bed…” Leah crossed her arms. “But you were upset. I didn’t push it. I knew you wanted to get to the weight room this morning before the rest of the team…”
“And?”
“I didn’t think you’d be able to come.”
“No, that’s not it.” I pointed the picture at her. “Don’t fucking lie to me, Leah. You thought I wouldn’t want to come.”
“I wasn’t going to force you to choose between work and some routine appointment, not when you’re so worried about losing your position.”
“It’s not a routine appointment. It’s my baby!”
“And everything is okay. Normal. I didn’t need you there.”
“Did you even want me there?”
She answered quickly, firmly. “That’s not fair.”
I tucked the sonogram in my pocket before my shaking fingers accidentally tore the paper. “Answer the question.”
“Of course I wanted you there. God, Jack. Every time I go I’m terrified something will be wrong. I’d love for you to be there so you could hold my hand until I hear that little heartbeat. But I’m trying to make this easy on you. I have no idea how to involve you or what you expect—”
“So ask me!”
I shouldn’t have yelled at her. Holy Christ, the only person in the world who made me feel like I fucking mattered didn’t trust me with the damn baby we created.
“Do you think that little of me?” I stared at the woman who had suddenly become my world, my dream, my desire. She was more fantasy than reality. “Be honest.”
“How can you ask me that?” she whispered. “After all this, you still don’t know how I feel?”
“No,” I said. “You don’t give me a chance to find out.”
“I’ve never pushed you away.”
“You do it every day. You think I’m some fucking screw-up who can’t stay out of trouble.”
“I never said that.”
“Come on, Kiss. You doubted that I’d move heaven and earth to go to the doctor with you. Hell, you hardly believed I’d build the baby the best fucking nursery money can buy.”
Leah bit her lip. “Are you telling me you’re the type of man who could settle down? Have a family? Stay out of trouble?”
“Yes.”
“Really?” She held her arms out, voice bewildered. “You were the one who lied to the league and used a fake relationship to protect you.”
Shit. “Look—”
She wasn’t done. “You wanted to have the baby when you saw how well it worked for another quarterback.” Her voice lowered. “It isn’t about fixing your reputation, Jack. It’s about changing because you want to be a different man. Faking a relationship and having the baby fooled the media, but who are you trying to convince now?”
God, this woman. If she knew how easily she crushed me with a single question.
“Is everything between us fake?” I asked.
“I don’t know what’s between us.”
“Yeah.” And I knew why. “Why trust me when you can believe all the scandals instead.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
My words tasted bitter. “Just once, I wish you’d forget my reputation. Judge me for the man I am, standing here, pleading with you to give me a chance.”
“Jack…”
What the hell. I interrupted her, too desperate to hear words that would never pass her lips.
“I don’t like myself much right now,” I said. “But if you did…”
Her eyes widened. I shut up before I revealed something stupid.
“Forget it.” I pulled my phone and texted Bryon. “I’m going out.”
Her shoulders slumped. “What?”
“I need to get out of here. Clear my head.”
She didn’t have the energy to fight. Her words softened, a plea. “Not with those friends, Jack.”
“What’s wrong with my friends?”
“Don’t pretend. You know what you’re doing.” She stood, her fingers steadying her on the couch. “Don’t throw everything away because you’re frustrated—”
“I just want to go out and have some fun. I need to get out of my head.”
“You aren’t going to clear your head. You’re leaving because that’s what made you happy in the past.”
“So?”
She held my stare. “Don’t get in trouble because you assume that’s all you’re good for.”
“Oh, spare me the righteousness, Kiss. For fuck’s sake—”
“I’m serious. Don’t go out with those guys tonight. It’s not worth risking a fight or being seen with a woman—”
“So what if I am?” Dangerous ground. “You afraid I’d go home with her? That I’d bang her in the bathroom? That I’ll grab as many whores as I can fit in my car—”
“That’s over the line.”
I stormed from the den, hobbling my way across the house. Leah followed, but I ignored her.
“Don’t wait up.”
Her eyes welled with tears, but her voice sharpened. “If this is how you’ve changed, you won’t have to worry about me waiting up. I won’t be here when you get back.”
The fear shredded my guts, but what did it matter? Leah said her piece. No need to tell her that the panic of her leaving me was more terrifying than if I was cut by the team and never signed again.
But if she didn’t trust me, if I couldn’t prove that I was a good man for her?
Why would I care what the rest of the world thought of me?
“I wanted to change,” I said. “For you. Because of you. I’m sorry you couldn’t see that.”
Leah reached for me. “Jack, wait—”
I slammed the door behind me.
Going out on the town wasn’t the biggest mistake I could have made.
I was an idiot for not telling Leah I was in love with her. I couldn’t handle her not loving me back.
And that hurt worse than any injury.