ARIANA

I give the healer an apologetic look as I step into her hut. "I'm so sorry to bother you again, Maylak."

The lovely, blue-skinned sa-khui woman waves a hand, dismissing my apology. "Do not worry over such things. This is what I am here for. I am glad to help." She moves to the neatly piled bed of furs she keeps on the far end of her hut for her “treatments” and gestures that I should join her.

I ease my ungainly, pregnant body down to the ground. I lie back on the furs and stare up at the ceiling of her hut, at the pitched roof with the leather coverings and the smoke hole. I stare up at the zigzag where the hides have been stitched together and try to calm my breathing. Slow breaths. Deep breaths. Of course, it doesn't work, because the more I think about breathing, the more worked up I get. I’ve been doing my calming exercises all afternoon – deep breathing, personal mantras, self reminders – none of it’s working, so I’m at the healer to get even more help.

After fighting and working hard to stay calm all day, I’ve given up.

Maylak sits at the head of the bed and puts her fingertips on my temples. She closes her eyes and her body goes still, and I watch her, waiting. Please. Please.

It takes a few moments. Maylak's “magic” always does. At first I feel nothing, but then there's a cool wave that spreads through my twitching body, giving me a languid sensation that's so welcome I could cry. I close my eyes and relax as the feeling sweeps through me, calming my racing heart and my frantic thoughts.

Eventually, Maylak strokes my brow, indicating she's done. "Better?"

I sit up and give her a sheepish smile. "Much. Thank you. I should be able to sleep tonight."

"You had a…mean day?" She struggles to find the right word.

"Bad day?" I smile at her, feeling a lot more relaxed. The sa-khui don't have a saying for “good day” or “bad day.” Every day is just a day. Some are busier than others. "I'm not sure what set me off today. We had classes like always and the kids were mostly good but…" I shrug. Sometimes it doesn't take much more than a thought for my anxiety to spiral out of control.

"But you miss your mate," Maylak says gently. She reaches out and squeezes my hand. "It is hard when the one that makes us feel stable and safe is gone for a long time."

I don't say anything, because if I do, I'm sure I'll start crying. The tears are a hugely annoying side-effect of my anxiety flare-ups. I feel out of control, and when I feel out of control, I cry. It's the only outlet my body has. I cried a lot when we first arrived. I've cried a lot lately, too. "It's silly. I know he's safe. I know he's helping the others. I don't mind that. I just didn't think he'd be gone so long."

My handsome, strong Zolaya. God, I miss him so much. Just thinking about him makes my stomach ache and I feel the panic attack start to flare again. I steer my thoughts carefully away from that rabbit hole and focus on other things. Small talk's distracting, so I smile at Maylak and straighten my tunic. "Veronica and Ashtar left this morning?"

The healer inclines her head. "They will be back. She will try her new skills back on her tribe, and when she struggles, she will return to me for teaching. Healing is an instinctive thing." She spreads her hands. "She knows what she knows until she does not know. Then she will seek more instruction."

"I wish I'd been given a healing cootie," I tell her wistfully. I clutch the fur-trimmed hem of my tunic so I don't start biting my nails. If I had a healing cootie, I wouldn't be at Maylak's home so often needing a “shot” of healing calm.

She reaches out and touches my hand, squeezing it. I'm not sure if she's sending another dose of healing through me, or just being her sweet, supportive self, but it helps. "I spoke with Vektal today," she tells me. "When Ashtar and Vuh-ron-ca return, they will bring a few more of our hunters back. I have asked that Zolaya be included on the next journey, for your sake."

"Oh," I breathe. It's something I want so badly I can taste it, but at the same time, it just makes me nervous all over again. "Maylak, I really don't want to be trouble."

"I know."

"I don't mind that he's gone. I really don't. It's not his fault I'm struggling."

"I know."

"I don't want to be a bother," I blabber on, and I feel like I'm on the verge of crying all over again. "Others need their mates, too." I think of my Zolaya, with his deep, soulful eyes and his beautiful smile and the proud arch of his horns. I sniff hard, because god, I want my mate home more than anything. But at the same time, I don't want to be seen as a burden to the tribe. I worry constantly that everyone's going to be sick of weepy, whiny Ariana and boot me out the door. What if there's a food shortage and we have to pick who gets food and who doesn't? Who would want me around? What if something happens to Zolaya and then me and Analay are left to fend for ourselves? What if—

"You are doing it again," Maylak says gently, squeezing my hand. This time, I definitely feel another wave of her healing move through me.

"I know." I swipe at my eyes. All right. The time for feeling sorry for myself has passed. I’ve gotten my brain calmed, and now I can relax. "I’m good. I promise. The tears are just release, that’s all. I'm going to go home and make some tea and sleep."

"He will be home soon, Air-ee-aw-nuh," the healer says in such a gentle voice that it makes me want to weep all over again. "You have lasted this long without him at your side. Surely a few days more will be all right."

She's right. I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. She's absolutely right. I can do this. Zolaya would worry if he knew how much I'd been struggling. I don't want him to think I'm useless or too needy. I need to focus on what I can control and the things that are good. My precious little Analay. My friends. The baby that moves and kicks in my belly even now.

As if she can read my thoughts, Maylak puts a hand on my belly. "This little one is doing well?"

I nod, giving her a teary little laugh. "She's clearly her father's daughter. Happy as a clam and big as an ox."

The healer gives me a puzzled smile.

"Those are earth creatures," I tell her, realizing what I said. "Happy as a dvisti and big as a…sa-kohtsk?"

She chuckles. "Not quite that big yet. You have another turn of the moon to go yet."

I groan at the thought, but I'm secretly pleased. I don't want this baby to get here before her daddy is home. I keep thinking of it as a girl. It might be another boy—I would love for my little Analay to have a brother—but something tells me it's a girl. She feels completely different to carry than Analay did. I should probably be glad of that, since he was a difficult pregnancy and an even more difficult baby.

I sigh, thinking of my sweet son. "I need to go and get Analay from Marlene's." I look over at Maylak, who's beaming at me as if she's proud of me, and I reach over and hug her. "Thank you for always having time for me."

"Of course. It is what I do."

Yeah, but I'm pretty sure no one needs her nearly as much as I do. I squeeze her tight, and then she gets to her feet and helps me stand, since I'm practically all belly at this point.

"If you need more, come back," Maylak tells me. "You know my hut is always open to you, no matter the hour."

"I know," I tell her with a faint smile. I hope it won't come to that. There's nothing more embarrassing than showing up at the healer's in the middle of the night because I'm having a panic attack over silly things. But Maylak understands. She pats my shoulder and then I head out into the night.

The village is pretty quiet after dark. There's a small fire going at the main lodge, because Stacy likes to cook there and she makes sure all the elders are taken care of, even the ones without mates. There's no sound of Gail's bright, cheery laugh, because Gail and Vaza—and Liz's girls, and Rukhar—all went with Veronica and Ashtar back to the beach tribe.

Maybe that's why my panic stirred up today. Gail normally helps me with the schooling and she wasn't there today. I don't mind that she left. I'm so happy for her because I know she wants a baby to mother and there's an orphan back at the Icehome tribe. But it's just another one of my support systems that's been taken away, and my spinny little brain hates that.

That's the thing with anxiety. If something in the routine changes, even something minor, it feels like everything is out of control. The mental ‘Red Alert’ goes off and your brain freaks out.

I take another deep breath, forcing my mind away from negative thoughts again. It's easier after seeing Maylak, because I feel so much calmer. I exhale slowly, watching my breath puff out into clouds in the night. There's the faint sound of talking at a nearby hut, and then a little moan breaks the air.

Someone's getting laid.

Darn it, now I really, really miss Zolaya. I rub my huge belly. "Not that it matters right about now, I guess. You're a speed bump if there ever was one, baby girl."

I continue rubbing my belly as I waddle to the far side of the village. Maylak's down the “street” from the hut I share with Zolaya, but luckily my bestie Marlene is right next door. That makes it a lot easier to share chores. My boots crunch on the light powder glazing the cobblestones of the village and I smile at Kemli and Borran as I pass them. Tomorrow's a new day, and it'll be another day closer to my Zolaya getting home.

Oh, Zolaya. I imagine him holding me close, his head pressed to mine, temple to temple as we lie in bed, wrapped around each other. I even think of the times that he's held me in sleep but his head was angled wrong and he nearly took out my eye with his horns. I'd even welcome that right about now, because we’d laugh about it and re-snuggle and then we’d probably end up kissing…or more.

Just thinking about my mate, my other half, makes me want to cry all over again.

A bright, happy laugh rolls out into the night. It’s a child’s laugh, a boy’s. And it makes my heart remember that not everything is crap when my mate’s away. I’d know that little joyous laugh anywhere—my Analay.

I move to the front of Marlene and Zennek's hut and shake the bone wind “chimes” that serve as a doorbell. A moment later, the privacy screen is pulled back and Marlene tilts her head, giving me an assessing look. "All better?"

I nod. "More or less."

"Bon," she says, and pulls me inside. Marlene's hut is cozy as could be, the fire in the center of the room. Zennek, her quiet mate, sits in one corner of the hut, whittling something out of bone. Zalene and my little Analay sit with their bowls next to the fire, waiting for dinner. Marlene ushers me toward the only stool inside, as if she's been saving it for my return. "Come out of the cold, mon coco. We are having dinner. Hoppers and stewed roots, mm mmm. C'est froid." She sticks her tongue out and taps it with a finger, making Analay and her Zalene go into fits of giggles again. Zennek just gives a slow, pleased smile and nods at me in greeting. Of all the sa-khui men, he's probably the quietest, which is funny considering that Marlene is pretty quiet herself. I thought when the two of them got together, it would be nothing but silence, but my sweet friend turns chatty when there are few people around. It's like she feels free to be herself in smaller groups.

I totally get that.

Marlene fusses over everyone while she ladles out food, making a game of it and singing French nursery rhymes while she serves us. The children love it, and I suspect she's being extra cheery because I'm such a sad panda tonight. It's so thoughtful of her. I'm really lucky that I was stranded on the ice planet with a woman that would turn into such a good friend.

And my Zolaya, of course.

I eat my hopper and root stew, even though I'm not all that hungry, and Marlene carries all of the conversation. She asks about the kits and their day at “school,” making them go over their lessons. She asks Zennek about his hunt, and the normally silent hunter offers his own story about checking traps that day. The night goes on companionably, and Marlene makes sure the children eat all of their stew before they can have a bite of dessert, which is a custard made with ground hraku seeds and a dirtbeak egg. I'm not extra fond of it, but the kits love it and Marlene freezes it into funny little egg shapes so it seems like more of a treat. Then, she gives each of the children a smacking kiss. "Bedtime! Analay, go tuck your mama in." She winks at me. "She looks sleepy."

My little love jumps to his feet, all eagerness as he moves to my side and takes the hem of my tunic. "Ready to sleep, Mama?"

"Sure." I brush his hair back from his face and smile. Truth be told, I've lingered around Marlene's fire because it's easier than being alone with my thoughts. But we have to go home at some point.

We get ready to depart and I kiss my friend on her cheek, thanking her for dinner. "Tomorrow night, I'll cook," I promise her.

"Bah. My Zennek will catch enough for both of our huts, wait and see." She winks at me. "You let us fuss over you, mon coco."

I smile, but it feels like effort. Marlene's trying hard, but I just miss my Zolaya so much, and I can feel my anxiety waiting to rear its head again. I put a hand on Analay's back as we leave and cross over to our own quiet little hut next door. It doesn't feel quite as cozy as Marlene's little hut, but then again, Marlene's mate is there with her. I try not to feel jealous, because I know Marlene feels guilty. The men take turns going on longer hunts, and it was just Zennek's turn to stay home. It's not his fault that this particular journey has kept the men away a little longer than anticipated.

Analay takes charge as soon as he enters the hut. He moves to the fire and stokes the coals with expert hands, though I watch him carefully since he's still my baby for all that he's almost seven. He sets up the tripod over the coals, then puts a pouch on over the fire while I get out my special “tea,” the one that helps me relax. It makes me ache to think that this is part of Analay's “normal” now, but he knows when his mama's feeling stressed.

My wonderful little man. If I didn't have him here, I'd be lost.

I make the tea even as Analay shakes out his furs and then goes to shake out mine, just because it makes him feel more adult to help me with that. I can't help but grin at how serious he takes getting ready for bed. It's as charming tonight as it was the first night. Zolaya told him he needed to be the male in charge of our family while he was gone, and Analay takes that task very seriously. I watch my little one as he finishes prepping our beds and then changes into his pajamas while I sip my tea. He brushes his messy hair back from his horns with his comb, scrubs his teeth with a twig and rinses his mouth, and then climbs into bed.

"Can I tell you a story tonight, Mama?" he asks, looking up at me.

I put my tea down, pleased that we’re keeping our routine. Normally Analay is the one that likes to tell me stories. He's got a fantastic imagination, though he's not the chatterbox that Erevair is or the question-firer that Josie's Joden is. My Analay's just…happy. It's ironic because he was the crankiest, angriest baby, but sometime after he started getting teeth, he just turned into the sunniest personality and he's an utter joy. Every day is wonderful with him around, and I can't help but think I lucked out with my child. He's the handsomest boy in the village (I know that's the proud mama in me talking) but he's also the cheeriest. "I’d love that, baby. What story are you going to tell me?”

He nods, looking so very serious. "I’ll tell you about how you and Papa met." He pats the blankets, inviting me over.

Ah. I smile at him even as I move over to his bed and ease my bulky body down against him. My son curls up against me, resting his little head and pokey horns against my chin. I don't even mind that they're stabbing me in the cheek. I like holding him too much. "I know how that one goes already," I tease. It's his favorite story and one he's heard a million times before. It’s sweet that he wants to tell it to me though.

He only knows the G-rated version, anyhow.

"I like that story," he tells me. "It makes it feel like Papa's here even when he's not."

Oh. A huge lump forms in my throat and I feel like crying all over again. I squeeze my son close, determined not to let my panic rise again. "I miss him, too," I whisper, and do my best not to sniffle. It just worries him when Mama cries, so I try not to do it in front of him. But I know I can't think about Zolaya tonight. Not when I'm missing him so badly. "How about a different story? Something new?"

He thinks for a minute, taking the task very seriously. Bedtime is sacred in our house, because it's Mama-and-son bonding time. We snuggle and tell stories and I listen to everything he can possibly think to tell me. It might be my favorite part of the day, and I love listening to his happy rambling. "I was with you for most of the day, so I don't know if there's anything exciting. I can tell you about the dream I had during nap time today?"

"Did you dream?" I ask, sniffing his hair. He always smells like my baby, even though he's getting older.

"Yes. I dreamed about Anna." He pats my big belly. "She's going to be like this someday with my kit."

I giggle. "You dreamed about making Anna pregnant?" Out of Nora's blonde little twins, Anna's the less pretty, less vivacious one. Of course, I'd never say that to Nora. But I'm surprised that Analay's crushing on her. "Is it because your names are so close?"

"No, Mama. It's because I'm going to resonate to her. But not for a long, long time yet. When we get older." He yawns. "I'm going to be a hunter and after Elsa resonates, Anna's going to resonate to me. There are going to be lots of kits in the tribe then. We'll run out of huts for all the families. Someone's going to have to sleep in the storage huts, just like when you and Papa met."

I feel a weird little prickle move over my skin. "Oh? You dreamed all that?"

"Yes." No explaining, no argument, just simple acknowledgment.

"That sounds like quite a dream. So who does Elsa resonate to?" I stroke his hair absently.

"I didn't see it. My dream was mostly about me." He shrugs. "I can see if I can find out next time I dream. Sometimes I remember a lot more."

"You do? Like what?" This is the first time he's mentioned it to me. No, wait. He's mentioned dreams to me before, but I thought they were just silliness. This is the first time he's talked about resonating.

"Sometimes I dream about what Papa's going to bring home from a hunt before he comes home. And sometimes I dream about my sisters."

The prickle moves down my arms and I shiver. "Sisters?"

"Three of them. This one," he tells me, patting my belly. "And then two more, but they're not for a while yet."

I swallow hard, thinking. Is this like Rokan's “knowing” sense? Is he dreaming this because it's going to happen in the future? What he says sounds reasonable…and yet I'm still surprised. I'm not like Josie, who seems determined to shotgun out as many babies as possible with her mate, Haeden. I thought after having such a hard time with Analay's pregnancy and nursing that maybe I'd just have the one baby. That maybe my cootie wasn't prepared to give me more. Getting pregnant a second time was a surprise, but a welcome one. The thought of more kits than that, spaced apart? I…like it.

Daughters. Three of them. My goodness. "What were their names?" I can't help but ask. I need to ask Zolaya if he's related to Rokan through a cousin or uncle. Or maybe this is just childish nonsense. But it has a strange ring of truth to it that makes me listen intently.

He just laughs sleepily and pats my stomach again. "Mama, you're the one that names them, not me."

Fair enough. I rub his back, hugging him against my chest. "So you're going to resonate to Anna, huh?"

"Yes, but not until she grows teats. It's going to be a while yet." He pats my chest sleepily. "She'll be nice to sleep against, like you."

My mouth twitches. "I see. Anyone else going to resonate?"

"Erevair and Kai," he mumbles, and it's clear he's getting tired. "But everyone knows that."

Those two do seem to make a cute pair…but they're also only children. "Mmm. And Joden?" I ask, thinking of Josie's brash, chatty little boy. He's Analay's good friend, though he sometimes makes me want to tear my hair out with all his questions.

"Talie," Analay murmurs, drifting off. "Or Vekka. Can't ’member."

Huh. I stroke his hair. "Go to sleep, baby. You can tell me about it tomorrow."

"Won't remember it tomorrow," he tells me, and then looks up at me, all sleepiness erased by worry. "You'll remember for me, won't you?"

"You bet," I tell him, curious and a little creeped out all at once. I need to tell Marlene about this. And Maylak. And Rokan, since he's back. I wonder how his “knowing” started. "Get some sleep, love." I kiss his forehead. "Love you, Analay."

"Love you, Mama." He closes his eyes again and cuddles up against me, and then he's quiet.

I hold him while he sleeps, thinking about all he's told me. Surely it's nothing but a child talking about a vivid dream he had. Has to be. Then again…me with three daughters? I could see it, eventually. I think of little Anna, his “mate” of the future. I don't know what to think. I wish Zolaya was here so I could tell him about this and he could chuckle over it with me. Even though it's nothing but a dream, I still squeeze Analay a little harder as he sleeps.

He's still too little for me to think about losing him to someone else, even if it's Anna with two yellow pigtails and a tubby little tummy. I'm not ready to give up my baby yet. I hold Analay close for what feels like hours, and as I do, the calm that Maylak gave me feels like it's wearing off, and I'm left alone with my thoughts.

I think of Zolaya, and if he's out there worrying over me. If he's remembering to eat enough, because he gets distracted by wanting to do everything and forgets to take care of himself. If someone's repairing his boots for him…and if she is, if I need to scratch her eyes out. I know he'd never look at another woman.

But that doesn't mean she can't look at him. And my Zolaya's handsome. He's got beautiful long black hair that he wears in a careless braid, and sweeping horns and strong, sharp features. When he smiles, he takes my breath away.

What am I going to do if he doesn't come back soon?

What if I have this baby while he's gone?

God, what if he doesn't come back for another six months? What if Veronica and Ashtar decide they're not coming back to visit for a while? The little worries start piling up until my chest feels tight and my fingers start to tingle.

Then silly worries pile on top of the others.

What if Analay's right and he's going to resonate to Anna and it happens faster than anyone thinks and then I don't have anyone? What if I'm alone forever? What if Zolaya meets another woman and realizes that his resonance mate is too much trouble because she cries all the time and she suffers from anxiety and needs constant reassurance?

What if while he's gone he realizes he doesn't love me like I love him?

Stupid, stupid tears start to leak again, and before I can sob all over my sleeping son, I detangle myself from him and ease out of bed. I re-tuck the blankets around him and try not to smile as he shoves his thumb into his mouth. I know he's too old to sleep like that, but I don't have the heart to pull it free from his mouth. He's still my baby for a while yet.

I, however, am a mess. I move to the tea over the fire—still warm—and chug it down as quickly as possible. It has a calming element, and tonight I can use as much as I can get in my system. I bank the fire, one hand on my belly, and then crawl into my own furs and stare up at the ceiling, trying not to cry.

Zolaya. My Zolaya. I miss him so much it feels like a physical ache. I know if he was here, he'd walk me through calming down, like he always does. He'd hold my hands and make me talk through my fears. Reassure me that everything's all right and hold me until the worst has passed. It always helps when he's around. Maybe it's the gentle hum of his khui against mine that relaxes my brain, but with him gone, it's like all my anxiety has come raging back.

I glance over at Analay while he sleeps. Tell me about how you and Papa met.

I can't talk about Zolaya on bad anxiety days, because it hurts too much. But maybe thinking about him will help. So I close my eyes and picture his face, trying to remember the first time I saw him…