ARIANA

We don’t return to the broken-down ship for a few hours. I fall asleep against Zolaya’s shoulder and when I wake up, he’s got frozen drool in his braid and I have marks on my cheek from the edge of one of his chest-plates, but I feel more relaxed than I have in days.

Zolaya’s true to his word, too. When I wake up, he pulls me onto his back and heads off into the hills, searching streams for the plant he calls coil moss. It takes four different streams for us to find enough to fill a pouch, but once we have it, it’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel lighter. Happier. I have something I can take if my mind gets too bad. I don’t have to suffer.

I’m so relieved.

And Zolaya…god, he’s wonderful.

I expected to feel very, very alone here on this horrible planet, but he’s so calm and understanding. He takes the time to really listen to me and he’s not pressuring me into anything. He’s been such a good friend and I feel like I can relax around him. It’s such a relief to find someone that doesn’t look at me with annoyance or scorn every time my anxiety gets the better of me. It actually helps me calm down, knowing that whatever I do, I can’t piss him off or make him angry at me. He understands.

Even if it’s just the cootie making him act so sweetly, I’m grateful.

Once we’ve got the tea, he braids me a leather cord from the scraps in his pouch and then hangs it around my neck. “So it will not get lost.”

Just having that pouch makes me so happy. I can feel my anxiety ebbing and whenever I feel it about to surface again, I touch it and know that I have something that will help. It’s enough, for now.

Zolaya and I stay out for a little longer, walking the edges of one of the steaming streams that cut through the landscape here. He offers to catch me lunch, but I’m content with just wandering around and avoiding returning to the old spaceship that they call the Elders’ Cave. Part of me wishes I never had to go back. If I have to live in this terrible place, maybe I can live alone with Zolaya somewhere. I guess that’s just me being a selfish coward, though. He doesn’t seem to hate his tribe, and from what I can tell, they like him. It’s just me that’s the problem.

Figures.

The alien eyes the skies and then squeezes my hand. “The suns will descend soon. Are you hungry? Do you wish to go back and join the others or stay out here for a while longer?”

My anxiety wants to stay out here forever, of course. But I know that when it gets dark, it’s going to get colder, and I don’t like colder. I know I need to be brave. I need to get the laser beam of language, and I need to try to be around the others just to prove that I can. It’s the smart thing to do. Of course, it’s also the hardest thing to do. “We should go back,” I say, already dreading it. It’s so much easier to be out here with him.

The smile that blooms across his face is worth it, though. He’s looking at me with such approval that I feel like I already conquered one of my demons. “Very brave,” he tells me.

“Oh, stop. It’s not that brave.”

“Is it not? I can tell you do not wish to return, but you will confront it anyhow. What is that if not brave?” He moves to my side and kneels in front of me so I can climb on his back again. “You should be kinder to yourself.”

I should. I know that’s part of the problem with my anxiety. My brain makes me think the worst of every situation. “And the laser won’t kill me, right?” I ask even as I loop my arms around his neck and bury my face into the fall of his thick, cord-like hair.

“It will not. And if it does, I shall follow you into death,” he tells me, his hands going to my thighs as he stands, hauling me along piggyback.

“Well, that’s grim,” I reply lightly, but it’s funny how his words make me feel better. Even if the worst happens, I won’t be alone.

“Then it is a good thing it will not kill you.” Zolaya holds my thighs tight and then makes a running leap over the stream, causing me to squeal with surprise. It’s crazy how agile he is even with me on his back. It’s a little scary, but I know he won’t drop me, and I actually kind of enjoy all his leaping around as he moves over rocks and flies over scrubby bushes. His tail flicks against my leg every now and then as if to reassure him that I haven’t moved from my spot on his back.

As we crest over one low hill, the snow-covered mound of the Elders’ Cave comes back into view and my stomach clenches. I can feel a low wave of anxiety move over me like a chill, but I remember that I have the pouch of tea around my neck and Zolaya at my side. As quickly as it rolls over me, it ebbs back again. I’m all right, for now. I’m actually pleased that I’m able to push aside the anxiety like that instead of becoming mired in it once more. Already the herbs are helping, and I haven’t even had a cup of tea yet.

Zolaya pats my arm, which is still encircled around his neck. “If you struggle when we are inside, tell me and I will find a quiet place for the two of us to be alone together.”

“Thank you. That’s very kind.”

“Kind?” He snorts, clearly amused. “Because I wish to spend time alone with my pretty mate? It is not kindness that motivates such a thing.”

And I bat at his shoulder again, because he’s making me smile with his flirty words. A day ago, such pointed flirting would have probably scared the bejeezus out of me, but Zolaya calms me. He understands me. And despite his teasing, he makes me feel completely safe. He may mention being alone with me and make it sound as if it’s sexy, but I know if I want to just hold his hand for hours, he’d have no problem with that.

This time it’s not the big bald alien at the “cave” entrance but another one with long, dark hair. He nods at us as Zolaya piggybacks me inside, and the others look up as we enter. Georgie seems relieved to see us return, and gets to her feet. “You’re back!”

I feel guilty for wanting to just run away from everyone. It’s clear Georgie’s been worried. “We just needed some alone time. Sorry.” I slide off of Zolaya’s back and let my fingers brush over the herb pouch at my neck. “Are we too late to…get lasered?” I have to force myself to say the words, because the last thing I want right now is to have a deadly laser shot into my head from a decrepit old computer. But Zolaya puts a hand on my shoulder as if pleased with my bravery, and I can practically feel myself preening at that small bit of approval. “If so, I’m ready.”

“You are?” Georgie clasps her hands, surprised but relieved. “Okay, fantastic. The others are still sleeping it off. Follow me and I’ll show you where we need to go.”

Zolaya’s hand slips into mine, and I actually feel okay with this. Maybe it won’t be so bad after all.

* * *

I live. Of course I do. It’s just my anxiety getting the best of things. The laser beam knocks me out before I can even ask if it’s going to work and the next thing I know, I’m waking up to Zolaya brushing my hair off my forehead and then caressing my hand.

“You are awake,” he murmurs, and I can hear his cootie thrumming and purring up a storm. “How do you feel?”

I sit up and my head throbs in protest. I press my palm to my eyebrow as if that will stop my brain from hurting so much. “Hungover.”

He chuckles as if he understands what that is. “But it worked, did it not? And you are here and whole.”

It takes me a moment to realize what he’s talking about. Oh. We’re speaking in his language and I didn’t even notice. That’s fascinating. The anthropology student in me wonders at the expressions we’re sure to get mixed up with the differences in language and custom, but I’m kind of interested to see what happens with that. “I guess I am.” I glance down and his tail is wrapped around my ankle, an odd but pleasing little gesture of possessiveness. “You stayed at my side?”

“The entire time,” he reassures me and gets to his feet, tail uncoiling. “And now I will get you something to eat and drink. Keep resting.” Zolaya’s voice is stern. “Your mate commands it.”

“My mate’s not the boss of me,” I tell him in my sassiest voice, and love that he gives me a playful little grin in response. With my anxiety under control and no panic looming, I’m just feeling so much better. It’s like I’m a new person, and I’m able to relax and focus on my surroundings. Zolaya returns with a cup of hot herbal tea and offers it to me. “Drink this first.”

I clutch the bag at my neck briefly, then take the drink from him and study the group gathered around the fire.

There are several of the women that aren’t mated sitting there, a few sleeping in their furry beds, and Vektal the chief sits next to Georgie and pretty much just watches her as if he’s never seen anything so fine in his life. It’s kind of cute and heartwarming despite the whole laser issue, and I turn to Zolaya to tell him that—

And notice he’s looking at me the same way.

Heat flushes through me, and I remember that the cootie’s supposed to make me want to mate. Maybe my anxiety’s been suppressing things for a while, but I’m starting to remember that. And my body’s remembering it too, if the sound of my purring is any indication. I lower my lashes and drink my tea, because if I look back at him the way he’s looking at me, that could lead to us finding a private place a lot faster than I might be ready for.

Funny how I’m not freaking out at the idea of that, though. There’s something about Zolaya that makes it seem like it’s not such a big problem after all…or that it’s even a problem. The idea of running off with him somewhere private to see where this resonance thing takes us is growing more appealing by the minute. Of course, that might be the cootie talking.

“Let me get you something to eat,” Zolaya murmurs, brushing his hand against mine as I lower the small cup and hold it in my lap. “You do not like your meat raw, no?” At my horrified shake of my head, he chuckles. “It is tasty.”

“And full of parasites,” I tell him, because at heart I’m still an anxious person no matter the tea in my pouch. “I need mine cooked and cooked hard.”

He laughs and gives me a smile that seems like a secret shared just for us, one that makes me feel warm and flushed all over. “I will see if we have more trail rations. They are very, very cooked.” He gets to his feet and disappears into the back of the big bay that makes up the ‘Elders’ Cave’ (which looks like the interior of an old, janky spaceship).

Of course, he’s gone for so long that it makes me aware that I’m here by myself and I haven’t really made friends with the others. Even the women that haven’t mated seem to be pairing off into friendships. Tiffany, Megan and Josie sit together, talking quietly. Nora and Stacy aren’t back. Claire chats with quiet Kira while redheaded Harlow listens in. Georgie and Vektal have their heads together and whisper things, hands touching. I’d bet money they’re going to disappear into another room soon. The longer it goes on, the less irritating I find it. Now, it’s almost kind of cute.

As I watch them, someone comes and sits down next to me. It’s one of the women, the one with the French accent that resonated a few minutes after she got her cootie. She crosses her legs and gives me an interested look, grinning. “So,” she begins in that lovely, accented voice of hers. “You are another one of us, oui? Tu résonnes?” And just in case I didn’t understand that, she puts a hand over her heart and pats it, beaming.

I nod, feeling shy. “Yeah, me and Zolaya.”

“Bon.” She beams at me. “My mate is Zennek. The blushing one.” She glances over across the fire and sure enough, one of the horned men blushes and ducks his head. The French woman just chuckles as if this is the cutest thing ever.

“I’m sorry,” I tell her. “I forgot your name. I’m Ariana.”

“Marlene,” she says, her tongue rolling as she speaks. “I am from Paris but visiting friends in your country and…” She shrugs, her long black hair spilling down her back. “Je suis ici.”

I guess she can tell I’m American. It’s probably the accent. I nod. “Same thing here. I went to bed in my dorm room and woke up here. It’s been…an adjustment.”

She laughs as if that’s the funniest thing ever and a few of the others glance over at us with strange looks. “Adjustment, oui. Un peu.”

Zolaya looks over at us as Marlene laughs, and he pauses, stew bowl in hand, then speaks to Marlene’s mate as he waits at the edges of the group, sharpening a spear. My cootie purrs, and I hear Marlene’s purr, too, though it’s not nearly as strong and insistent as mine.

She gives me a wry look and rubs her chest. “It never stops, non?”

“No, it really doesn’t.”

“Makes it hard to sleep,” she says, her mouth pulling into a tiny smile and then she winks at me. “Of course, who wants to sleep?”

Gosh, now I see why Zennek blushes so much. Marlene’s just the most self-possessed woman I’ve ever met. It’s kind of awe-inspiring and intimidating at once. I feel like Zennek, just shrugging and blushing as she speaks. As I try to figure out what to say, she pulls out a little pouch, then extracts a bone needle and some sinew. A moment later she uncurls what looks like part of a leather bra.

I can’t help but lean over to watch her work. “Is that a bra? Where’d you get a needle?”

She looks surprised at my question but shows off the leather. “Ma petite chouchou,” she says, and looks over at Zennek with another sultry smile. “I told him I needed un soutien-gorge. How you say, a bra.” She gestures at her boobs. “Too much bouncing. He made me a needle and thread, and so I work on it.”

“I should ask Zolaya for something like that,” I tell her, hugging my knees. “I’d love a bra…and some panties.”

She gives me a look that tells me she completely understands. “These clothes, they are warm, but they are not human clothes, non?”

I smile, because Marlene’s so friendly and easygoing that it makes it a pleasure to talk to her. She hasn’t given me weird looks or acted like I’m being a baby. Maybe it’s because right after she got her cootie, she ran off with Zennek. She didn’t see some of my breakdowns like the others did. Or maybe she feels a little out of place, too, being the only foreigner amongst a bunch of Americans. “I think I’ll ask Zo for some sewing stuff in the morning. It sounds like we’ll be here a few days.”

She nods as she stabs the needle through the leather. “So the others who resonnent have time to return. Zennek, he tells me some go fast, some go slow.”

I love listening to her rich, smooth voice. It just makes everything sound so pretty. I watch her sew a stitch and say, “I guess you guys went fast, huh?”

Marlene looks over at me in surprise, her cheeks flushing.

I realize what I just said and clap a hand over my mouth to stifle my horrified giggle. “Not like that. I just meant—you guys are back before the others—I—”

She chuckles and sews a prissy little stitch with extra flourish. “Not every time fast. Some were very slow. My mate, he is new to this, but he learns very quickly.” She gives me another sly look. “And you? Very fast? You were here before us, non?”

I can feel myself blushing. I can’t tell if she’s teasing me or confronting me—or both. I suppose I deserve it after putting her on the spot, because now I’m picturing poor Zennek going “too” fast. Marlene doesn’t seem unhappy, though. Just the opposite. She keeps flicking affectionate glances at her new mate as she works her needle. When she looks over at me again, I suppose I should answer. She’s been forthright with me, after all. “Um, we haven’t exactly…done anything yet.”

Her eyes go wide and she puts her needle down. “Sans déconner?”

I don’t know what that means, but I can guess. I hold the pouch at my neck, drawing strength from it, and I glance over at Zolaya, who’s deep in conversation with Zennek. “Don’t tell the others, but, uh, I have panic attacks. It’s been tough for the last few days. I haven’t felt particularly…sexy.” God, I haven’t felt sexy at all. I’ve felt like I’m coming apart at the seams, yes. Sexy, no.

She nods in understanding, a look of sympathy in her eyes. “I will not tell.” She makes a twisting motion over her mouth as if pretending to lock her lips and throw away the key.

“Thanks,” I tell her, and mean it. I do want to keep it limited to as few people as possible. It felt right to tell Marlene though because she’s the first one of my fellow captives that I’ve really connected with. She’s going through the same thing, too. She knows what resonance is like, this unending throb in your chest. I touch my breast because my cootie’s going crazy even now. “So…what’s it like?”

“Mmm?” She pulls her gaze away from Zennek and back to me.

“Resonance?” I pitch my voice low so the others near the fire won’t hear me.

Her eyes light up with enthusiasm. Marlene leans in toward me, and I can’t help but move in closer, too. I’m so curious, and I know it’s a bold question to ask but I can’t help myself. “It is the best sex ever,” she whispers, and lets out a dreamy sigh. “Whatever you know from before, it is nothing like that.”

“Really?” I can’t help but be skeptical. “Because of the cootie?”

“Because of everything,” she insists, and gives me a knowing nod. “Wait and see. Do not be afraid.”

Afraid. Ha. Oddly enough that might be the only thing I’m not afraid of. Zolaya is so kind and sweet to me that I don’t have any fear of him. It’s just everything else on this crazy planet that makes my anxiety go nuts. I glance over at my mate—wow, feels weird to think that—and he still talks with Zennek, though another alien has joined them. I forget his name. Zolaya laughs, idly scratching his chest and looking so casually masculine that I can feel my cootie practically jumpstart in my chest once more.

“Are you waiting because you are a virgin?”

Marlene’s words sink in. I pull my gaze away from Zolaya reluctantly. “Hm? Oh, no. Not a virgin.” Granted, I’m not exactly the most worldly of chicks, either. Between studies and my thesis there hasn’t been time for anything serious, just the occasional fling. I will admit I’ve had a few pretty good flings in the past, though, so to hear that this is even better is…well, it’s like being told Christmas is tomorrow, if you’re brave enough to celebrate it.

“Zennek was a virgin,” Marlene tells me. “Zolaya might be, as well.”

“That just occurred to me about two seconds ago,” I tell her faintly.

“It will be fine,” she reassures me and stabs at her leather bra with the needle again. “Some fumbling, some laughter, but the nouvel ami here makes it all better.” She taps her chest again, indicating her khui.

She sounds so confident and cheery that it’s reassuring. “And you, what, have sex and it just stops? Stops resonating, I mean?”

“It takes many times to stop,” Marlene replies, full of answers. “Perhaps because it takes many times to become with child.” Her little shrug is careless. “It is all pleasant. Two times or twenty, you will not be complaining.”

Well, I might be complaining if it does take twenty. But I appreciate how open she is about this. I’ve thought about asking Georgie how things would go, but she’s kind of intimidating. I already worry she thinks I’m a weepy idiot, so I didn’t want to come to her with my questions. But Marlene has offered them so easily that I feel utterly grateful to her. “In case I haven’t said it yet, thank you so much for being my friend. I could really use one.”

She says something in French that loses me entirely and puts her sewing down, then cups my face and kisses my cheeks with enthusiastic, friendly little smacks. “Non, non, mon coco. We are all friends, those of us who resonated immediately. You watch. We will be a special group because we will experience all of this together. Mates, babies, all of it. You and I and the other girls when they return.” Her smile is warm and full of happiness. “You have friends, do not doubt such a thing.”

Marlene’s easiness makes me so happy. She makes it sound so simple. Maybe she’s right. Maybe those of us that resonated right away—myself, her, Georgie, Nora and Stacy—will all have a sisterhood bond of some kind and I’m just letting my anxiety run away with things as usual. I smile at her and touch the bag of tea at my neck absently. “I’d love that.”

“It will be so. Wait and see.” She picks up her sewing again and nods. “Your mate comes. I think he is jealous that I have kissed you and he has not.” She winks at me and that little smile curls her mouth again.

I can’t help but laugh because Zolaya moves next to me in the next instant, handing me a pouch of the dried trail rations and casting strange looks at Marlene. Surely he’s not jealous of a kiss on the cheek? But I notice he hovers while I eat, and it makes me feel warm inside.

Marlene doesn’t seem to have any problems with being in this strange place and bonded to a stranger. She’s happy and chatting and sewing new clothes for herself. If she finds it cold or miserable here, there’s no indication on her face.

I should be more like her. Maybe I can be. Maybe with my tea and Zolaya at my side, I can be as carelessly happy as Marlene is. I’d like that.