Tina
There’s a certain way single mothers are supposed to behave.
That wasn’t it.
I wasn’t supposed to kiss him.
I wasn’t supposed to touch him.
I wasn’t supposed to become aroused by him.
It’s not appropriate behavior between a lawyer and a client. It’s not appropriate behavior for strangers at all.
And yet, when I leave Landon Fee’s office and walk down the hallway, I don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed. I don’t feel upset. I don’t feel anything but happiness. I don’t feel anything but satisfaction.
The hallway is empty as I make my way back to the front foyer. Joyce appears just as I reach the front door.
“Well?” She says excitedly. “What happened?”
“Oh, Joyce,” I give her a hug. “He’s taking my case. He’s going to help me. Thank you so much. Seriously, I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t here to help me. I was completely panicking, but now, I just…I don’t know, you know? I feel better. Hopeful.”
“That’s not what I meant,” she wiggles her eyebrows at me. “Did you make out with him?”
“What?” I blush violently. Violently. For real. I feel my cheeks burning brightly as my eyes go wide. Did she really just ask me that?
“My boss,” she says, leaning casually against the wall. She crosses her ankles and somehow looks even taller, even longer. I don’t know how she stands in her stilettos, but Joyce makes every other woman in the world look like a frumpy little kid. She’s got a grace that no one else seems to possess. “Did you two fool around?”
“No,” I say, but it comes out as a whisper. Joyce just laughs.
“I’m not judging you, sweetie. You deserve to have a little fun, and Landon is a good guy.”
Now it’s my turn to look at her questioningly. “Are you two…together?” I ask suddenly, hoping I didn’t step into something I’m not ready for.
Joyce laughs loudly. “For dragon’s sake, woman! No! Are you kidding? I don’t sleep with my bosses.” She flips her hair over her shoulder and smiles. “Not that they wouldn’t if I offered. I’m very good.”
“Oh, good,” I whisper, and Joyce pats my shoulder.
“Everything’s going to be okay,” she says. “I promise.”
With that, I head to my car and get in. I have to pick up Blake from my mother’s house. I’m still nervous about leaving him with other people. I’m going to have to get over that quickly because soon he’ll be starting daycare and I’ll be going back to work. Today was the first day I’ve left him with someone, but I didn’t really think it was appropriate to bring him to the lawyer’s place.
After all, it was supposed to be a professional meeting. I’m still uncomfortable being a divorced woman. I still haven’t quite managed to make myself own the title of “divorcee” yet. I need to. I need to be more confident, but I’m not.
At least, I wasn’t until I was alone with Mr. Fee.
And then something sparked inside of me, something I thought I’d lost long ago.
I don’t know what it is about him, but some part of me came alive. Some part of me that had been sleeping for a very, very long time seemed to flicker back to life, and suddenly, I’m not as scared as I was when I walked into his office.
Suddenly, I’m not as worried.
Suddenly, I feel like everything is going to be okay.
When I get to my mother’s house, I hurry inside. She’s sitting on the couch holding Blake, who is asleep.
“Oh, good!” Mom smiles and wiggles her fingers at me, but doesn’t get up. “You’re home! I was just thinking of you, sweetie. How was your doctor’s appointment?”
I didn’t tell my mother about Chester because I don’t want her to worry. She doesn’t even know the real reason we got divorced because I was so humiliated by what he did. I shouldn’t be embarrassed. I was the wronged party, after all, but I am.
I shouldn’t be lying to my mom. I’m an adult, after all. We both are, and I should be able to tell her the truth without it being a big deal, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t want her to worry. I know she’s afraid I’m never going to find a good man. I know she’s nervous that I won’t do a good job raising Blake on my own. She doesn’t say it, but she doesn’t have to.
There’s a part of me that worries about those things, too, but I push that fear aside because right now, the most important thing is taking good care of my little guy. My baby needs me, so I need to focus on him right now: not on anything else.
“Oh, it was fine,” I tell her, sitting down next to her. I don’t take Blake from her arms. He’s sleeping so peacefully and I learned pretty quickly that it’s a bad idea to wake a sleeping baby. If I wake him up before he’s ready, he’s going to be cranky, and no amount of nursing or rocking or singing is going to calm my little guy down. “How did everything go with Blake?”
“He was a perfect angel,” my mother says. She smiles down at him, and I feel a rush of joy. She’s an incredible grandmother. I know she’s been wanting to watch him for awhile, but I was scared to leave him. Now that I can see with my own eyes that he’s okay, maybe it’ll be easier for me to leave him again.
There will come a point, I know, when I’m going to need some “me” time without the baby, and I’m lucky enough to have a mother who is willing to help me out. Now I just have to meet her halfway and be willing to leave my son with her, even if it’s only for a little while.
The thing about parenting is that it’s not all about me. It’s not just about my relationship with Blake. It’s also about my relationships with other people, and Blake’s relationships with them, too. I want Blake to grow up close to his grandparents. I want him to feel a connection with them. My parents visit Blake as often as they possibly can, and I appreciate that so much. I was close with my own grandparents growing up, and I want the same for my son.
“Did he nap a lot for you?”
“He practically slept the whole time. Your father fed him a bottle before leaving for work, and then little Blakey just passed right out.”
“Thanks for taking care of him today,” I pat my mother’s hand. She smiles at me. She’s got grey hair and wrinkles now, but she’s just as beautiful as when she was young. She’s wiser now, smarter. She’s stronger, and I love her.
“Sweetheart, I’ll do anything for you. You know that, don’t you?”
“I know, mom.”
“If you need anything,” Mom says softly. “You just ask me.”
And for the second time today, my heart soars because I’m starting to realize that I’m really not alone. Joyce totally pulled through for me when I needed her the most. She was there for me when I called and there for me today. She helped me in a real, tangible way.
And now my mother is offering to help me with anything I need. I know it’s not an empty offer, either. She’ll be there for me if I need help with laundry or babysitting or anything else. She’ll be ready at a moment’s notice to give me a ride or help out with Blake or just come over to talk.
And Landon, Mr. Amazing, was willing to take my case. I know that divorce problems aren’t cases he usually takes. I know he prefers adoptions and other family issues. Nobody likes facing divorce. The fact that he was willing to help me, though? That speaks volumes. That speaks to my heart.
And right now, as I sit with my mother and my new little boy, I don’t think my heart has ever felt more full.
I don’t think it’s ever felt more complete.
If only this feeling could last.