- SEVENTEEN -
The next morning I woke up and decided to curl my hair in loose waves and leave it all down. I put on a little bit of mascara and lip gloss. I’m not going to lie: I was trying to look good for Jaxon. Neither he nor Jace had come back last night, so I was just hoping that he’d actually be at school that day. Then I remembered Jaxon saying that if they missed even one class, they would be benched for the championship game tomorrow. I knew he wouldn’t risk something like that.
I didn’t see him until near the end of my lunch break. I was sitting at the table with our regular group. Quinn was telling Cole about the new students she was tutoring this semester, which, not surprisingly, were all female. I had almost given up on the idea of seeing him at school that day at all. When I saw him through the windows of the cafeteria coming across the courtyard, I decided to go and meet him. He was walking with two girls I had seen only a few times before. They seemed to be animatedly talking to him, while he just nodded his head. I could tell he wasn’t paying attention to what they were actually saying.
I turned and smiled at Quinn. “I’m going to go talk to him, ’kay?”
She nodded her head, but she looked unsure. She wouldn’t be this weird if it was Cole out there and she needed to apologize. I should be the nervous one: I was going to tell him I loved him. I jogged out into the courtyard and met up with him in the middle.
“Hey, I’ve been trying to call you.” I smiled up at him.
He didn’t smile, just nodded his head back at me and said, “I noticed.”
I looked at his two groupies and said, “Okay, you ladies can run along now; I’d like to talk to my boyfriend.” They huffed and looked up at Jaxon to say something different, but he didn’t, so they walked away, sulking.
“Em, I don’t think we should be together anymore,” he finally spoke.
“Why do you have to do that? Why do you have to purposefully call me Em whenever you’re mad? Don’t be childish, Jaxon,” I replied angrily. This is not how I wanted to begin this conversation.
He took a deep breath. “Emerson, I don’t think we should be together anymore.” His voice sounded flat and lifeless.
I decided to ignore his nonsensical statement. “Jaxon, I’ve been trying to get a hold of you so I could tell you how sorry I am. I always get freaked out and weird around that day. I tried to keep it inside, but it was eating me alive, and I just didn’t know how to cope. I’m really sorry. I realize now how ridiculous I was being.” I grabbed onto the waistband of his jeans while I looked up at him. I grabbed on as though, if I just held tightly enough, he wouldn’t even consider leaving. He tried to step back out of my grasp, but I just stepped closer to him, giving him a puzzled look. “I made you a mix CD. Just listen to it, please.”
I bent down to pull the CD out of my bag when he finally spoke again. “Emerson, I tried to talk to you four days ago. I asked you not to run from me and you did anyway . . . again. I can’t handle this anymore. I tried to be strong enough for you but . . . I’m just not.” He took the CD from me, but he held it out as if he didn’t really want it.
“Jaxon, stop saying all of this. It’s not necessary.” I grabbed his waistband again. “I’m going to be better now, I swear. Let me apologize.” I took a deep breath and said, “I love you.” I watched as he winced in pain at my words. That was definitely not the reaction I was hoping for. Just then the gravity of the situation started to hit, so I lowered my voice to a whisper as I looked up at him. “Don’t do this. I love you.”
“I asked you not to leave the other night, and you did anyway.”
“You promised you would stay patient with me.” My voice rose to a panic level.
“And you promised you would stay.” The fact that the lifeless tone of his voice hadn’t changed at all was scaring me.
“I never left, Jaxon. I just needed a breather from my life. It wasn’t you, it was my parents’ death.” I was almost yelling now. I needed to reassure him that what had happened wouldn’t happen again. “Look, I know it never made sense for you to like me. I was never meant to be in a relationship with anyone. But you forced your way in, pushing past every barrier I had. Don’t give up on me now!”
I could feel the pain streaking across his face. “I don’t think we should be together anymore,” he repeated for a third time.
I stepped forward while he stepped back and I screamed, “No! I love you. I’m here! Just forgive me!” Tears were streaming down my face now and I knew I was making a complete fool out of myself in the middle of the courtyard, but he needed to know. “You can’t do this!” He hadn’t moved a muscle from his position; he just kept that aggravatingly unyielding face. When I reached for him again, he stepped backward away from me.
Suddenly there were strong arms wrapping around my body, lifting me away from Jaxon. “Shh, Em, just stop. Don’t do this here. This isn’t you,” Cole whispered into my ear.
“Cole, you said all I had to do was apologize! You said he loved me!” I yelled at him. Then I finally saw it: No matter how minuscule, I saw Jaxon take a step forward toward me. I almost breathed a huge sigh of relief, but then he caught himself and took two steps backward. My face twisted with the pain I felt surge throughout my entire body.
Cole started carrying me away when I screamed again. “Jaxon, don’t do this!” I was fighting with Cole to get down and my legs were thrashing violently. If I could just get him in my arms again, he would realize what a huge mistake he was making. “You promised! I told you I wouldn’t survive this kind of heartbreak again! Jaxon, look at me!” My frantic screams were causing a scene, and he was just standing there looking at the ground with his hands in tight fists.
Before we got out of earshot from him, Cole turned back for a second to face him. “I fucking told you this would happen, you asshole. This is the exact fucking moment I told you about, and you promised you could handle it. If you’re smart, you’ll stay away from her,” he growled.
I went lifeless in his arms; there was no reason to fight it anymore. Jaxon didn’t even try to keep me there with him. This was entirely my fault in so many ways I’d lost count. I was disappointed in myself for throwing my rules out the window for him. From the very beginning, I said that I wouldn’t be able to handle being a girlfriend, and then he convinced me otherwise. Lesson learned: Always follow your gut. But I was mostly disappointed in myself for letting that day get to me so much that I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me. I never imagined that relationships were like that. I never imagined the extreme joy you can experience. What I did know was how it felt when someone you love was ripped away from you. How gut-wrenching it could feel. I should have stayed away from any possibility of ever feeling that again.
Cole had to carry me up to the apartment. When my head hit the pillow on my bed, I immediately pulled my knees up to my chest and let out all the pain that I felt. I cried for losing my relationship with Jaxon, for losing a best friend, and lastly, for losing Emerson. Quinn had once said how she was enjoying Emerson, and I now realize that I had begun to love her as well. Now I needed to learn only to be Em. Em didn’t let her heart break.
I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling for countless hours. Eventually that evening Cole and Quinn came in to join me. They each lay on opposite sides of me. I loved having their comfort and support, but I also wanted to stew in my own mistakes alone.
“Emmy, you’re still coming to my game tomorrow, right?” Cole whispered in the dark.
“You know I can’t do that, Cole.”
“You have to. Fifty years down the road when people talk about how our school went to the championship and your best friend scored the winning touchdown”—he nudged me with his elbow and I knew he was talking about himself—“you’ll regret not going.”
“Well, I’ll just let seventy-one-year-old Em be mad then.”
“Please, Em, you’ve been talking about how exciting a championship game would be with Cole since freshman year. I know you’ll be sad you missed it,” Quinn said, squeezing my hand.
“I’ll think about it.”
For some reason, I would get bouts of crying at the most random moments. I could lie there talking to the two of them, when all of a sudden, a wave of immense pain would nail me in the face and I wouldn’t be able to breathe. While we were lying there in the quiet and darkness, a wave hit me and I gasped with a face full of tears. Cole reached for my hand while Quinn rubbed my arm and snuggled real close. I would get through this. I may not be the same on the other side, but these two people would get me through this. Then the realization that I had just lost Jace as a friend as well hit me with a fresh new round of tears, because how would I be able to look at him and not see Jaxon?
I had to work the early shift at the bar the next day, but Ed promised that I could make it in time for the second quarter. Last week, I was devastated that I would miss even a little bit of the game; this week I was just devastated, so I couldn’t really care less how much I saw. Quinn made me swear that I would come, and she even packed a bag with an outfit, shoes, and makeup for me. I didn’t even think about what I would wear, but it was probably best not to show up to a stadium packed with guys, wearing a too-tight shirt that says NICE RACK across the chest.
When I finally did arrive, they were about ten minutes into the second quarter, so I hadn’t missed much. To my dismay, Quinn had packed the dress and boots I had gotten while in Texas. I knew what she was doing and I didn’t appreciate it. I just wanted to be invisible, sit in some corner of the stands, and leave without anyone seeing me. Quinn knew I would try that as well, so she made me swear I would come over to sit by her.
As I walked up the stairs into the stands, I heard Quinn’s, Jace’s, and Jaxon’s voices. I froze and took a deep breath in and out. I could do this; I needed to get over the fact that I would see him. I continued walking up when I noticed Jaxon leaning up against the stands barrier, talking to the two of them. Whatever they were talking about, it wasn’t a pleasant conversation. Jace and Quinn looked mad at Jaxon, and he didn’t look happy with them, either. Today the crowd was way too excited and loud for me to hear what they were saying.
When I stepped up onto the final step, Jaxon turned his head and looked right at me. I watched as he took a faltering step back and sucked in air between his teeth. At least I still affected him, even if he didn’t want me anymore. I knew that this dress and these boots looked good on me. Jaxon had liked how the dress pushed up my breasts and dipped down just a little bit to show off my cleavage. I knew what he was looking at right then. I turned my eyes away from him and headed toward Quinn.
When I approached, I noticed that the only empty seat available was on the other side of Jace. There was no way I would sit next to my ex-boyfriend’s identical twin. I was so deprived and needy of Jaxon right now that I wasn’t sure I would be able to control my actions around a guy who looked exactly like him. I couldn’t even look at him. It was too painful. I knew Jace was searching my face for me to acknowledge him, and I shouldn’t take this breakup out on him, but I just needed time.
I walked up to the girl sitting next to Quinn and knelt down to speak in her ear since it was so loud. “Hey, how would you like to switch seats? You can sit next to that hunk right there,” I said, pointing at Jace.
She looked over and I saw her eyes light up. “Sure!”
She got up and sashayed toward Jace and sat down with the most seductive motions I had ever seen a girl put into sitting in a chair. She turned her body to face him and stuck out her chest. I sat down in her seat next to Quinn, and Jace turned in his, putting his back to the new girl.
“Em, please don’t ignore me.”
“I’m not ignoring you, Jace; it just hurts too much right now to see you,” I said, looking forward.
He sighed and leaned back in his seat. I noticed that Jaxon had already made it back to the bench and had his back facing us. He was leaning forward with his forearms lying on the tops of his legs, watching the game. I searched for Cole and finally spotted him on the opposite side of the bench from Jax, glaring daggers at him.
“He asked about you. If you were okay,” I heard Jace say over Quinn.
“Yeah, and I told him to shove his concern up his ass. I’m not going to tell him anything about you,” Quinn said, sounding frustrated.
That made me laugh. “Quinn, your moods are so confusing. Yesterday, you were pissed at me, and now today you’re pissed at Jaxon.”
“Yes, that was before Cole and I lay with you all night long while you cried your eyes out.” She grabbed my hand and squeezed.
“You cried all night, Ems?” Jace looked at me with those puppy-dog eyes and I couldn’t look away. “I’ve never been so mad at him, not even when he tried to steal my girlfriend in sixth grade by pretending to be me.”
I wish they would stop making me laugh. “He did not do that!” I said while Jace nodded his head.
“Jace punched him in the courtyard after Cole dragged you off,” Quinn piped in.
“Quinn, don’t tell her that!” he said, looking sheepish.
“Guys, you can’t be mad at him. This was my fault from the very beginning. I let him convince me that I could handle a relationship when I knew all along that I would be terrible at it. I just proved myself right in the end. At least it wasn’t years down the road. I’m just trying to survive this the best way I know how,” I said sternly.
“Please don’t drink yourself into a coma again, Ems,” Quinn protested.
“I’m pretty sure I’ll never drink again; don’t worry about that. If I hadn’t in the first place the other night, I’d be sitting here cheering for my boyfriend right now. Instead”—I pointed behind me—“they’re cheering for him.” Quinn and Jace looked back to see Rachel and her annoying crew screaming Jax’s name. “Apparently, word gets out fast.”
Jace stood up and grabbed me; he lifted me into a giant bear hug in front of everyone. My feet just dangled down along his legs. It was weird because his body felt like Jaxon’s. I had to keep reminding myself not to wrap my legs around his waist and squeeze back.
“It’s not just your fault, Emmy. Don’t even let yourself think that. Please don’t let this cause you to close yourself off again. You are the greatest friend that’s a girl I’ve ever met. If Jaxon doesn’t come to his damn senses, then some lucky guy out there will be thankful to be loved by you one day,” he whispered in my ear. These boys were way too charming for their own good.
“Thanks, Jace, but I know I can’t do this again.” He gave me another squeeze and looked sadly into my eyes.
When someone shouted for us to sit down, he placed me back in my seat. I looked down at the field and saw Jaxon staring right at us from the sidelines. His eyes screamed, “Mine. She’s mine and I’ll kill anyone who touches her.” But his actions said, “Just take her, I don’t want her anymore.” I turned to look somewhere else; I couldn’t focus on what he was thinking about. I needed to remember that I couldn’t think about him at all. I concentrated on watching Cole and cheering him on when he caught the ball. See, I could be perfectly normal.
By the end of the game, we had won, and surprisingly, Cole had scored the winning touchdown. I’d never seen Quinn jump up and down so hard. When the final whistle blew, Cole came barreling toward the stands. He hopped over the barrier with ease and scooped Quinn up into his arms. Their faces were attached to each other for the next few minutes without either one coming up for air. When he finally placed her down, he came over and hugged me as hard as he could. His excitement was infectious and I tried to share in it.
“Congrats, Cole; I’ll remember this for at least the next fifty years. Thanks for making it worth it for me to come!” I yelled over the crowd’s cheers.
He turned and gave Jace the brotherly hug/pat-on-the-back thing. I couldn’t stop myself from looking out at the field one last time and searching for Jaxon. He wasn’t celebrating or talking to anyone. I watched as he slowly walked toward the locker room. By the looks of him, you would have thought we had lost the game.
Cole asked all three of us to wait for him while he changed out of his gear and showered. I really just wanted to get home and back to my bed. I felt that I had done my friendship duty by coming, and now I needed to go cry some more in the privacy of my room. I’d seen Jaxon way too many times today already. I could feel the waves of pain getting closer and closer to bursting through. When Cole came out of the dressing room, Jaxon was walking right behind him. Both of them looked incredibly handsome, freshly showered and wearing their team polo shirts. Jaxon had thrown on his black ball cap over his wet hair. He knew I loved that cap on him. I couldn’t stand here any longer.
“I’m out; I have plans. See you later, Quinny. Congrats, guys,” I said while walking away.
“Emerson, just stay. I’m leaving. No one here wants to talk to me anyway,” that intoxicating voice said.
I turned around to face the group, while continuing my backward retreat. “Like I told them earlier, this was all my fault; they don’t have any reason to be mad at you. I hope you guys have a nice night.”
“It’s okay if we hang out in the same group. We were friends first, you know.”
“It might be easy for you, but it’s almost impossible for me.” I continued my retreat and then turned to shout one last thing to him. “It’s Em, by the way; Emerson doesn’t exist anymore.” Right before I turned around I saw his mouth gape open with surprise at my words.
I walked as fast as I possibly could while still appearing normal. When I disappeared into the crowd and knew he couldn’t see me anymore, I took off running for my car. When I reached it and threw myself into the driver’s seat, I laid my head down onto the steering wheel. I took off my stupid boots and threw them into the backseat. All the pain from seeing him started flowing from my eyes. A few moments later, there was a gentle tapping on my window. For the second time this week, I found myself wishing that Jaxon hadn’t come to see my misery, and then I opened my eyes to find Devon.
I opened my car door so he wouldn’t have to talk to me through my window. He squatted and sat down on the running board of my car, facing me.
“Still upset from the other night when we went out, Ems?” he asked.
“Nah, I’ve just had reality thrown in my face since then, that’s all.”
“Want to talk about it?” he asked kindly.
“I think I’ve done enough damage by running off with you once already, Devon. But I did want to thank you for watching over me that night, and making sure I got home safely. That was generous of you.”
“Where’s the superstar boyfriend?” he asked, looking around. When I winced in pain, his eyes widened a bit. “Wait . . . he didn’t break up with you for hanging out with me, did he?”
“That wasn’t the only reason. It was mostly a compilation of all my fuck-ups. Apparently running away from your problems isn’t the right answer.” I laid my forehead back down on the steering wheel. “I’m surprised you didn’t hear about ‘The Great Em Embarrassment’ in the courtyard. At least that’s what I call it. I made a fool out myself. For a guy. Who would have guessed?”
“I heard you guys had a pretty loud fight, but I didn’t realize . . .” He was quiet for a few moments. “Well, he’s just a douche and the biggest idiot I’ve never even met.”
At that exact moment I spotted Jaxon and Jace walking across the parking lot toward the truck, and they were both looking right at us. I laid my head down on the steering wheel and groaned. Perfect, just freaking perfect. When I looked back up they were both already inside the cab of the truck and backing out.
“Thanks, Devon.” I offered him a weak smile. “I think I’m going to head on home, though.”
“All right. Well, you have my number if you ever need to vent. I’m heading back up north tomorrow. It was good seeing you, even under these circumstances.” With my good-byes, I closed my door and drove home to my bed.