- ELEVEN -
The next month and a half went by annoyingly normally. I was being a huge chicken. I just didn’t have the guts to fess up to Jaxon that I had real feelings for him, and that I wanted to give a relationship a shot. So, we just continued being friends, no matter how maddening it was to me. I had run a ton of sexually frustrated miles this past month. I was hoping that my runner’s high would compensate for the lack of other highs. But I couldn’t even reach that moment lately while pounding the pavement. I ran farther and faster, doing anything to get that feeling, but I guess my runner’s high and my sexual fulfillment were connected in some way.
I found enjoyment in the nights when I wasn’t working and Jaxon was. I always stayed home to listen to him on the radio. He didn’t get a lot of chances to talk because the main radio DJ did most of the chatting while he ran around the office doing errands. But when he did, I would snuggle in closer, listening to that magnificent voice. It was comforting, even though he wasn’t actually talking to me.
Jaxon and I still hung out before and after our classes, and he would come over to study a couple of times a week. I would make him lunch on our short day together, and sometimes I would even make dinner for all five of us if I wasn’t working. We would often fool around at times in the afternoon when everyone else was at school, but we hadn’t had sex again. I wasn’t sure why that was; we just never took it that far.
I ended up having to miss another game to make it up to Ed for skipping out for a week unexpectedly. I had been able to make all of the ones after that. Currently we were undefeated, and it was amusing to see how Dalton thought that Jaxon was his best friend now. I’m sure it had nothing to do with how good Jaxon made him look. Every party that we went to, Dalton would pull him in to be some kind of wingman for him.
Quinn and I had gone back home for the short, four-day Thanksgiving break. It was nice to have that time with Ellie and Charles. I was really looking forward to spending time alone with Quinn, but she sulked around the whole time, depressed about missing Cole. He had gone home with Jace and Jaxon to see their families. I don’t know why either of them bothered going home, because they spent the majority of their time on the phone together. I called Jaxon occasionally while they were gone and he seemed busy when he answered, so I let him go shortly after. He texted me a few times, but overall, nothing was going anywhere between us.
We had been to a bunch of fraternity parties over the last month. Cole and Quinn would usually dance together the whole time they were there. Jaxon would wind through the crowds, dancing and talking to everyone. Jace would pop in and out, but he wasn’t a big partier.
It was second nature for me to go find some frat boy and go upstairs with him to have a good time. A part of me wanted back that old me that could just hook up with some hot random guy and then go back to enjoying my night. Ever since Jaxon, I just couldn’t follow through with it, and it was beyond frustrating. I would go upstairs with them and start making out. But for some reason, I just couldn’t get my body to go any further. Usually after about ten minutes of trying to make advances on me that I wasn’t reciprocating, or when they got tired of my rejections, they would get up and leave me there.
The first couple of times it happened, I tried sneaking back down the stairs without people seeing me do my walk of shame. Even though I hadn’t actually done anything, everyone here knew my reputation. I was mainly trying to avoid Jaxon; it felt wrong for him to know about me being with someone else. After I had finally made it back down, he would ultimately always come seek me out to make sure I was okay. Eventually, I stopped caring if he saw me come down or not. His eyes would always find me coming down the stairs and he would give me the “okay” signal with his fingers. I always gave it back, gesturing that I was. I’m such a liar.
After Thanksgiving break, I was beyond frustrated; it had been way too long since I had had sex. I was determined that if I wasn’t going to “woman up” and talk to Jaxon, I needed to get laid by someone. We were all at the Sig Alpha “Welcome Back from Thanksgiving, Let’s Have a Party” party. Seriously, if there was any reason to drink, dance, and have sex, these guys would come up with a party for it. I had gone upstairs with Easton, one of the football/frat guys, and he took his shirt off the instant we walked in the room. I’m not sure what I was thinking; Easton and I have hooked up before. I don’t remember him having a tattoo on his bicep, but maybe I had been too drunk to notice last time, or maybe it was new. I was determined to follow through, but the second I caught a glimpse of that tattoo I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. It reminded me too much of Jaxon’s, only Jaxon’s was ten times hotter. Then I just started thinking about everything Easton was lacking compared to Jaxon.
I was sitting on the edge of the bed and he came down with his arms on either side of me, trapping me while kissing my neck. I let him go for a while, hoping that my sex drive would kick in. Please just feel normal again, Emerson. After what felt like five hours, although it was probably only five minutes of the most awkward advances, I finally heaved him off of me with a frustrated blow of air.
“Fuck, Em. What is wrong with you?” Easton growled.
“I don’t have any idea.”
He sat up, pulling his shirt back on over his head. “It used to be so damn easy with you. You weren’t one of those chicks that needed sweetening up.”
I don’t know why he sounded so frustrated. He wasn’t the one that could have sex with only one person all of a sudden. I knew he would end up grabbing some other girl before the night was over. Me? I was going yet another night unsatisfied. I shoved past him and slammed the bedroom door on my way out. Out in the hallway, Jace had his back against the wall with a blonde leaning into him, kissing his neck.
When he saw my face, he stood up straighter and balanced whoever was attached to his neck with his hands on her shoulders. “Is everything alright, Emmy?” he asked, concerned.
“I’m fine, Jace; don’t stop on my account.” I gestured to his date.
When I bounded down the stairs, there was no Jaxon in sight. That was probably for the best because if he gave me the “okay” signal, I might have given him the middle-finger signal right back for cursing me.
I went into the kitchen to find the tequila and a shot glass. When you sleep with a frat guy, they usually end up showing you where they keep the good stuff, or maybe I just knew to ask. The Sig Alphas keep theirs hidden in the dishwasher because who the hell needs one of those when you only eat out of pizza boxes and drink from red plastic cups. I was throwing back my first shot when Easton came pounding through the kitchen past me to go straight out to the patio.
I looked out the kitchen window and noticed a group of guys sitting out there drinking, smoking, and talking. I spotted Cole and Jaxon in the mix with beer bottles in their hands. Easton hadn’t closed the door all the way when he came through, so I could hear them all laughing at some joke Garrett had just made.
Right as Easton came out, I heard Jaxon’s voice. “What the hell’s wrong with you? Did you fucking do something to Emerson?” He stood up from his seat.
“Chill the hell out, Riley, your precious Emerson is fine and fucking untouched. You don’t need to run in there and make sure she’s okay.” He was definitely frustrated.
All of them laughed and ribbed at Jaxon for always checking on me.
“You do realize we used to fuck her just fine before you got here. She was always okay afterward; she doesn’t need you to check on her,” Easton prodded him.
I heard a scuffle and then a loud pop followed by the sound of Easton groaning.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, Jax?” Easton yelled.
“Shut up, East, you deserve about twenty more blows for saying that shit. Keep your mouth shut or I’ll kick your ass alongside him,” I heard Cole growl.
I felt small hands on my back. “What are we listening to?” Quinn whispered over my shoulder.
“Nothing,” I snapped and pulled back from the window.
She walked up to glance out and smiled at me knowingly. I heaved a sigh at being caught eavesdropping on the guys.
“I’m almost positive Jaxon just punched Easton.”
“Did he do something to you?” she demanded in an angry voice.
“Nothing besides speak the truth. I guess Jaxon doesn’t like that side of me.”
“He’s protective of you, Em.”
“Just what I need, another protective friend,” I grumbled.
She was about to comment on that, when we heard the guys start talking loudly again.
“Man, Em’s no fun anymore anyway,” Easton complained.
“Yeah, I swear I’ve taken her to my room four times this semester and she just zones out while we’re making out, and then pushes me away. Last year, she was much cooler,” I heard Blake say.
“Maybe it’s your moves, dude. I wouldn’t want to get with your ugly ass, either,” Cole joked.
“I reached that fucking three-time limit, so I wouldn’t know how she’s been lately,” Micah griped.
The other guys chimed in with the same complaint as Blake. Traitors, all of them. Guys aren’t supposed to get together and chat about this stuff. It was also kind of embarrassing to hear about how many people I had gone upstairs with lately. If this were last year, I would have slept with all of them. Jaxon thought that’s what I’d been doing.
“Hold up, what are y’all saying? None of you have slept with her this entire semester?” A familiar southern accent chimed in.
Crap. He was putting the pieces together.
When I heard a round of no’s, I downed another shot and scrambled out of the kitchen toward the front door. I knew he was going to want to know why, and I was still frightened to tell him that he was the only person I wanted to be with. That I had never felt so close and safe with someone before I met him. I was also terrified to explain to him that even though I wanted him, I knew I would be terrible at a relationship. I would mess it up and I would piss him off. At the same time, he seemed to have moved on, so maybe all this worry was for nothing.
Just as I was hitting the front door, I heard the back door open and Jaxon hollered, “Emerson!”
I kept going and knew he hadn’t seen me because, right before I slipped out, I overheard him ask Quinn if she knew where I was. Here’s hoping my best friend and sister has some sense of solidarity. When I reached the driveway, I realized I couldn’t drive home. I didn’t have the car keys and I was far too intoxicated. I reached Jaxon’s truck, which was parked a couple of houses down the street, and I laid the tailgate down to sit on it.
Since it was November, it was a little chilly out. Southern California doesn’t have much of a winter, but the breeze blowing off the ocean was giving me chills on my bare legs. Another reason I would never make it in the north; I loved wearing shorts and flip-flops year-round. When you have to hunt down gloves, hats, scarves, and boots at any time of the year, that’s when I call it quits. I have a grandma that lives in upstate New York who we visited once for Christmas. I was miserable in the cold; I stayed indoors the entire week we were there.
Suddenly, I heard boots hitting the sidewalk at a quick pace. I knew it had to be Jaxon because he doesn’t like to let anything go. He was still pretty far away and I realized he wouldn’t be able to see me, since the truck was facing him and I was sitting on the tailgate.
“Emerson!” he barked, sounding a bit panicked.
He continued running down the street and I watched as he passed right by me. His body froze and he whipped around to face me. I made eye contact with him as he stalked toward me with a determined look on his face. The air around me grew warmer and there was a current charging between us. He came right up to my legs and placed his hands on my knees. I gasped as he shoved my legs apart so he could come even closer to me while his hands rested on my thighs.
With his intoxicating voice at a low tone he asked, “You reckless, frustratingly beautiful girl, why are you out here all alone? Don’t you know it’s not safe to be on this street alone with all these drunken, idiotic frat assholes?”
“I was hiding,” I admitted meekly.
“Why have you been torturing me by making me think that you were sleeping with all those guys?” He pointed back to the house.
“Because I wanted to sleep with all those guys.” I watched him wince, and knew I needed to clarify. “I mean I wanted to want to sleep with them. I don’t like Emerson; she’s too confusing and complicated. I just wanted to be Em again. But every time I went upstairs with one them, I always chickened out.” I said the last part barely above a whisper.
I felt his hands flex on my thighs. I imagined what it felt like for those hands to lift me up as he always does. How it felt to wrap my legs around his waist. I scooted forward even closer to him so he would be farther between my thighs. He brought his face down to the side of mine, and with his nose he moved my hair to the side so he could bury it in my neck. I panted at his proximity. Once again, a month and a half had been a long time for me.
On a groan he said, “You’re driving me fucking insane. The only reason I can stand coming to every single one of these parties is because some crazy-ass masochistic side of me needs to know, when you come out of those bedrooms, that you’re still okay. But every time I watch you walk up those stairs with some new douchebag, I beg Cole to stop me from going up there, pounding that guy into the ground and throwing you over my shoulder because I know you would be pissed at me,” he exhaled on a long breath. “Emerson, tell me what you want.” Each word was said in a short, clipped tone.
I clutched the waistband of his jeans as tightly as I could manage and spoke directly to his chest. “I don’t know how.” I turned my head up to run my lips across the edge of his jaw. He seemed to be unconsciously squeezing my thighs now, and I’m sure I’ll have bruises there tomorrow. I’ll welcome them if it means I can be with him tonight.
“Tell me that you want me,” he whispered.
“I want you.” Always.
“Only me?”
“Only you.” Had there ever been anyone else?
He shuffled around, feeling at his pockets. When he found what he wanted, he reached in and pulled out a pen. The second I saw it I knew what he wanted, so I stretched out my hand toward him with my palm facing up. He grinned at my forwardness and grabbed my wrist so he could turn it. I closed my eyes and let the tickle of the ballpoint consume me. At this point, I didn’t care what he wrote as long as he continued stroking it across my skin. He finished quickly, closed my fingers into my palm, and kissed them. I slowly uncurled them to read his message, which was written boldly across the expanse of my palm. One word that screamed a whole lot more.
Mine
I lifted my eyes up to his and nodded. Quickly, he slid his hands underneath me and lifted me up around his waist. He slammed the tailgate shut and walked around to the driver’s side. I don’t know who leaned in first, but our lips were crushed together and I felt safe again in his arms. Safe from myself.
“Do you have the keys?” I asked through his lips.
“No, I don’t need them.” I watched as he pressed a series of numbers on the keyless entry system just above the door handle. I was confused how we would drive home without keys, but at this moment I couldn’t find a reason to care, either.
He didn’t open the front door, but instead opened the door to the backseat and slid inside with me still in one arm. He closed the door behind us, and the heavily tinted windows, along with the night sky, provided us with complete privacy.
When I gave him a confused look, he said, “I can’t drive—I’ve had too much to drink—but I can’t wait until everyone else is ready to go home, either.” He smashed his lips back to mine. I pulled back and looked into his gorgeous eyes. He had a faint scar above his eyebrow where Cole had punched him, so I lifted up and kissed it softly and his eyes fell closed.
I pushed off of his chest and knelt down on the floorboard between his legs. He looked down at me from under his long eyelashes, and the look he gave me spurred me on. I reached up, released his button, and unzipped his pants.
“No underwear?” I smiled at him as I pulled him out.
He moaned when I wrapped my hands around him. When I bent my head down, I heard his head hit the glass window behind him. I continued to look up at him the entire time my mouth worked up and down because the emotions running across his face were enough of a turn-on for me. His blue eyes looked impossibly silver in the light of the moon.
“Fuck, baby, that feels so damn incredible.” I loved his term of endearment coming out of his mouth. “But you don’t have to do this; come back up here.” He tugged on my arms.
“Do you have a condom?”
“Shit . . .” He closed his eyes in frustration.
“Let me do this. I want to.” It was true: I did want to. If I couldn’t tell him how I felt, I wanted to at least try and show him.
After I had tucked him back in his pants, I came back up to sit in his lap and nuzzle into his neck. He was so warm and had a light gleam of sweat on his body from his exertion. The smell of his cologne mixed with his perspiration was an intoxicating mixture. We just sat there for who knows how long, his fingers running through my hair while I listened to the thump of his heart slow to a normal, steady pace.
“What the hell’s wrong with my truck?” We instantly sat up when we heard Jace’s voice outside. “The windows are all fogged up!”
I heard Cole’s irritating laugh break out immediately afterward. “Fifty bucks says Jax went to make sure Em was okay.” I heard the mocking tone in his voice when he said the word okay.
“Guys, we should go back. Wait until . . . they’re . . . done . . . you know.” I heard Quinn say uncomfortably.
I shoved Jaxon a bit to bring to his attention that we should tell them we were decent and we absolutely wanted to get home. I didn’t need to say anything because I knew he felt the same way.
He propped open the back door. “Get in here, assholes.”
“Hey! Don’t call my girl an asshole,” Cole shouted and wrapped his arm around Quinn’s shoulders. I watched as he gave her a kiss on the temple.
“What? No! Quinn, I swear I wasn’t saying that toward you.” He gave her an apologetic look. His puppy-dog eyes were so sweet. If he ever directed them at me, I would give him anything he wanted.
“Don’t worry, Jax, I know you weren’t talking about me,” Quinn responded as she bumped Cole in the chest. “Give him a break, Coley.” Cole grimaced that his girlfriend was using my favorite nickname for him.
Sarcastically, he looked back at me. “Ems, have I ever thanked you for that nickname? Because seriously, it’s the best . . .” We could all hear the satire dripping from his voice, which made everyone besides Cole fall over laughing.
Jace drove us all home; I never saw him drink, ever. If he actually came out to a party with us, he was nice enough to be our designated driver. I was so happy in this moment with all four of these people, and it was amazing how close we had all become in only a few short months. I felt as though I could share almost anything with them. As though I could be at my worst around them and they would still be there for me. I know I would do it for any of them. Apparently, when you start opening the emotional gates, they all come flooding out.
“Your smile is breathtaking right now. What are you thinking about, and please tell me how I can keep it there?” Jax whispered in my ear.
I shook my head because I didn’t know how to describe to him what I was feeling. I leaned in and laid my head on his shoulder. He laid his head on top of mine and kissed my hair.
When we got back to our apartments, we all just stood in the hallway staring at each other—I guess trying to figure out who was going with whom and into which apartment. Jace shoved past all four of us.
“You guys are nauseating,” he said before going into their apartment.
“Emerson will be in my bed,” Jaxon said while dragging me behind him. I laughed at his caveman attitude.
“Love you, Emmy!” Quinn shouted before going inside our apartment with Cole.