CHAPTER ELEVEN
Finley’s duck-lip selfie popped up on the display of my cell phone, but I pressed END and let my voicemail talk to her instead.
“Your sister again?” Tyler asked, patting his face with an old ratty hand towel. The rest of him was still dirty, as were the rest of us.
I’d forgotten what my hair smelled like when it didn’t reek of smoke, or how my sheets felt against my skin. I pulled my camera off my neck and fell onto the raggedy sofa of the Alpine duty station, deep in the Rocky Mountain National Forest. Fire season had started early, and I’d been camping with the Alpine Hotshots for fourteen days while they fought a fire that dug in so deep the smoke jumpers from all over the country were deployed. According to the Alpine crew, it was their biggest fire in two seasons.
The crew headed for the kitchen, and I sat, my limbs sprawled in every direction, watching them pass by. Every muscle in my body hurt, every joint, even my insides. I’d started my period our second day in fire camp, but it was barely present before it went away, most likely from the sudden surge in activity and decrease in caloric intake. My pants were loose. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to look at myself in the mirror.
Smitty high-fived Taco before opening the fridge and leaning in to weigh his options, his face smudged with soot.
“That got intense for a second there,” Tyler said.
“Thanks for babysitting me … again. And for helping me with my tent. I can’t believe the guys slept on the fire line for three nights. Some of the guys didn’t even have coats.”
“They’re bigger guys. It’s called flight weight—sort of like a weight limit. Sometimes, the helos fly us to the more remote locations, so we don’t have to hike so far on foot. Between equipment, our fuel, and the crew, the helos can only carry so much. Sometimes, Runt will bring one of those aluminum sheets the mountain climbers use for camping because he’s skinny, and he has the flight weight to spare.”
“So you huddle?”
“Huddle, share blankets, spoon … it’s fucking cold up there. Whatever works,” he joked.
“Then why do it?”
“Sleeping on the fire line means hazard pay. Some of the guys prefer it to sleeping at fire camp.”
“The generators were pretty loud,” I said.
“You should have said something. We could have hopped in a truck and driven a little farther out, away from the noise.”
“It was fine. I was fine.”
“For a rich kid, you don’t complain, do you?”
“I loved it out there. I really did.”
Tyler leaned over and sniffed my shoulder. “You smell amazing.”
“Shut up.”
“I’m serious. Wildland smoke is my favorite smell. On a girl? Makes you strangely appealing.”
“I’ve been called worse.”
Tyler frowned. “Not in front of me.”
I managed a tired smile. “My hero.”
The hotshots had already peeled off their suits and packs in the truck bay, but we all smelled like old cheese that had been smoked in a giant campfire. Tyler kneeled, pinching the laces of my snow boots and pulling apart the knots. He slipped them off, one by one, and I leaned back even further, wiggling my toes a few times to celebrate their freedom. He pulled off my socks slowly, grimacing at the new blisters, the seeping blisters, and the healing blisters.
“Christ, Ellie. We talked about this.”
“I don’t mind. Makes me feel like I’m earning it.”
“Gangrene isn’t an award.” He jogged over to fetch the first aid kit and began doctoring the mangled mess I’d been walking on for ten days.
I tried to blink, but it took a while for my eyes to open again. They felt like they weighed a hundred pounds. I could have taken a nap right there.
Tyler finished slathering antibiotic cream and taping gauze to my wounds, then took a blanket from the back of a recliner and unfolded it, spreading it over me. I bounced when he plopped on the sofa next to me, wearing jeans and a long-sleeved thermal, the three buttons at the top open. I preferred him in his ill-fitting, flame-retardant clothes and blue hardhat, but he would never let me forget it if he knew.
“You never complain. No training, you just jumped in there and hiked miles and camped out in the dirt and snow in freezing temperatures,” he said, relaxing next to me. “I’m impressed. All the guys are.”
“I don’t care,” I said, resting my cheek against his shoulder. I was frozen and exhausted, unsure how my fingers continued to function as the days went on. True to his word, Tyler had kept me close. It was a beautiful but difficult trek, up inclines and through the aspens. In some places, the snow was still ankle-to-shin deep, and we walked for almost an hour to the site through the underwood and slush. My feet and face were numb before we ever reached the fire, but I was distracted from any discomfort when I looked through the lens of my camera.
I could barely move, and the rest of Tyler’s crew were chatting and making sandwiches. After fourteen days on the mountain, they were owed forty-eight hours of mandatory R & R. Even though they were all worn down, their version of a weekend had arrived, and they were restless.
“How are they so … peppy?” I asked, my words slow, my voice hoarse.
“Adrenaline,” Tyler said, picking up my camera and clicking through the various shots.
“How can they still have an adrenaline high? The ride home took forever. I thought we were never going to get back.”
“Every time we leave for a fire, there’s a chance one or all of us might be injured or worse. Returning as a complete unit means a lot.” He handed me the camera. “Nice pics.”
“Thanks.”
He rested his chin on my hair. “Jojo is going to be happy.”
“Thanks. She texted me today. She wants to see what I’ve got.”
“So you’re going to show them to her now?” His eyebrows pulled in. “Does this mean you’re done?”
“I guess we’ll find out.”
Tyler was watching his friends wrestle and joke in the kitchen, but he looked unhappy. “Ellie?”
I heard him call my name, but I was at the bottom of a barrel full of water, warm and unwilling to move. The sound of the guys in the kitchen faded away, and all I could hear was the sound of my own heart and the steady rhythm of Tyler’s breath. I sank deeper into myself, comfortable under the blanket and against Tyler’s arm.
“Shut the fuck up!” Tyler hissed. He jerked, and I blinked, seeing a blurry Watts jump over whatever Tyler had thrown at him.
I sat up and rubbed my eyes. “Wow. How long was I out?”
“Three hours,” Jubal said with a smile. “Tyler didn’t move a muscle the whole time so he didn’t wake you up.”
“Did you get dinner?” I asked, looking up at him.
“I brought him a sandwich,” Watts said, throwing the small square pillow back at Tyler. “He’ll live.”
Tyler caught it and held it to his chest, pouting.
“What’s up with you?” I asked.
Watts jutted out his lip. “He’s pissed we woke you up.”
“Knock it off,” Jubal said, handing me a glass of ice water.
“Thanks,” I said.
Smitty turned up the television, and Taco fished for his ringing cell phone, standing up to take the call in the office.
Tyler stood. “We should probably get those shots to Jojo and you home, huh?”
“Yeah. I should probably call José.”
“I’ll take you,” he said immediately.
Jubal watched us with amusement, although I wasn’t sure why. The rest of Tyler’s crew seemed to be going about their business, while still keeping an ear open to whatever I might say.
“Uh, sure,” I said. “Thanks.”
All nineteen hotshots, from Fish to Pup, gave me a bear hug before I left, all asking me to come back soon. Chief made a rare appearance outside of his office to tell me goodbye, and then Tyler walked me to his truck, patiently keeping pace with my sloth-like speed.
“Fuck,” Tyler said under his breath. “I should have started the truck so it was warm.”
“It’s fine. Really, no big deal. I think I’ve proven myself by now not to be high maintenance.”
“That you have.” He opened my door but paused when he noticed me staring. “What?”
“What are you doing?”
He shrugged. “Opening the door for you.”
“Why?” I said. His gesture made me feel awkward.
“Just get in.”
I climbed inside, hugging myself to keep warm while Tyler slammed the passenger door and jogged around to the other side. He was brooding, unhappy about something.
He drove us down to the magazine so I could drop off my flash drive to Jojo. She greeted me with a smile, eager to upload the pictures to her computer.
“Daddy is loving these,” she said.
“Yeah? Does that mean I’m done?” I asked.
“Maybe. I need you to write up what you’ve learned so far, and I’ll clean it up for you. We might need some pork.”
“Um … pork?”
Her finger tapped the computer mouse. “You know … material we might use later.” She scanned me from head to toe. “Go home and get some rest, Ellison. You look like hell.”
“On my way,” I said, taking back my chip and heading for the door.
Tyler’s truck was still running, the exhaust fumes billowing into the night sky. The moment he saw me walking toward him, he leaned over the console and pushed open my door. I climbed up again, and he rubbed my leg quickly.
“We need to get you home. You’re exhausted.”
“You’ve been working a lot harder than me.”
“But I’m used to it. Jojo should give you a few days off. You’re going to get sick.”
“I feel better than I have in a long time, actually.”
Tyler put the gearshift into drive and pulled away from the curb, heading toward my house. He lit a cigarette and handed it to me without me asking, and then lit his own. We didn’t talk much. Instead, I left Tyler to the seemingly millions of thoughts in his head.
Tyler pulled his truck into my drive and slowed to a stop at the gate. I leaned over him to press in the code, and the gate whined, beginning its slow journey open. Tyler pulled forward and drove the mile-long path to the house.
It was dark, and I assumed Maricela and José had gone home for the night.
“Thanks for the ride,” I said, gathering my things and climbing down to the concrete below. I walked around the front of the truck, took a few more steps, and then froze.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Ellison, she knows,” Sterling said. He stepped out from the shadows, looking thin, his whiskers a few days past a five o’clock shadow. He stumbled down the steps, his tie loose and his shirt stained.
Tyler’s door opened and closed, and his footsteps crunched against the snow and rock until he stopped just behind me.
“Hey, Sterling,” Tyler said. “Good to see you.”
Sterling’s eyes were wet. I could smell the whiskey from ten feet away. “She fucking knows, Ellie. She won’t answer my calls.”
“I’ve told you, she never answers your calls when she’s on holiday.”
“She fucking knows!” he spat.
“Hey,” Tyler said, stepping between us. “I’m not sure what’s going on here, but I bet it will make more sense in the morning. Let me take you home, Sterling. You look like you’ve had a rough day.”
“Fuck you,” Sterling said, still staring at me. “And you, too.”
“Fuck me?” I said. “Who’s the one who passed me the mystery pill?”
“She’s never going to speak to me again. What am I going to do?”
“You’re overreacting, Sterling,” I said. “You’re being paranoid. Whatever you’re on isn’t helping.”
“I know this is your fault!” he snapped, his voice carrying through the trees between our homes. “You’re not just the town whore; you’re the world’s whore. Everyone knows who to call for a fuck if Ellie’s in town,” he said.
“Wait just a goddamn minute,” Tyler said, taking a step. I grabbed his coat, holding him back.
Sterling laughed. “What are you going to do, lieutenant bad ass? Change my mind?”
“Keep talking,” Tyler growled. “You’ll find out.”
Sterling held up his hands in mock terror. “Put that blue collar to work.”
Tyler took another step, but I put my hand on his chest. I turned to face him but looked down instead, ashamed. “He’s drunk. He’s upset. He lives next door. Just let him go home.”
Tyler’s jaw muscles danced beneath the skin, but he let Sterling pass, even after Sterling nudged him with his shoulder.
I trudged up the steps, using my keys to gain entrance to my parents’ home. It was quiet, every step and movement we made echoing through the halls.
Tyler closed the door behind us, and then followed me to the kitchen. “Your house looks a lot different this time.”
“Nearly empty?” I asked.
Maricela had left me a covered plate in the fridge with a toothpick flag on how many minutes it should cook in the microwave.
“Wanna share?” I asked. “It might be a day or two old, but at least it’s not an MRE.”
“Nah. You go ahead.”
I removed the foil and pressed the three. The light turned on and the plate began to spin, slow and steady. I was glad someone else was in the house besides me, but I didn’t want to turn around, afraid of the expression on Tyler’s face.
“What happened with you and Sterling?” Tyler asked. “Weren’t you friends a few weeks ago? Why was he saying those things about you?”
“Because it’s the truth,” I said simply.
“Bullshit. I don’t believe that for a second.”
“Why wouldn’t you?” I asked, turning around. “You’ve experienced it firsthand.”
“I just consider myself lucky that I happened to be here at the right time. We had fun, and we were safe. Anything beyond that is no one’s fucking business.”
I laughed once, surprised at his response.
“What do you want me to say?” he asked. “If you’re a slut, I’m a slut.”
“You’re a slut, Maddox.”
“Not lately.”
I fought a smile just as the microwave beeped again. Tyler stood, removing my plate and setting it on the black and white marble island. “And you’re clearly trying to make some adjustments in your life. It’s just fucking wrong for him to throw your past in your face.”
“Does eight weeks ago qualify as my past?” I asked, pulling a fork out of the drawer. I sat down, swirling the silver points around in the baked potato.
“This morning is the past,” Tyler said. “We can be totally different people today if we want. Fuck Sterling if he resents that you’ve changed. People like that are usually dealing with their own shit, anyway, and what they’re pissed about really has nothing to do with you.”
I felt a hot tear fall down my cheek, and I immediately wiped it away.
“Hey,” Tyler said, reaching across the island. “You can talk to me.”
“My sister? Finley? She’s in love with Sterling. That first-love love doesn’t go away.”
Tyler pointed his thumb behind him. “That douche? Why?”
“It doesn’t matter. He’s kind of a certifiable head case, but she loves him. She would be with him, but she’s holding off. She’s taking over my father’s business and doesn’t have time to be in a relationship. They want to be together. She’s fighting it, and he’s been miserable.”
“So how is that your fault?” Tyler asked, confused.
I wiped my nose with my napkin. “He had a … I don’t know … I was over there, talking about finding a new job. We were already drinking, and he had these pills. We took them … I don’t remember much after that, but we…” I nodded.
Tyler nodded, too, letting me know I didn’t have to continue. His face flushed, his teeth clenched. “He drugged you, fucked you, and now he’s blaming you for it.”
I closed my eyes, and more tears fell down my cheek. So many hours of the day had been spent trying not to think of what I’d done and how it could have happened, that hearing Tyler describe it so bluntly made my chest ache.
“I shouldn’t have taken the pill. I didn’t even ask him what it was. I just popped it in my mouth.” My breath faltered. “Sterling loves Fin. If he knew that was going to happen, he wouldn’t have taken it, either. He’s just as scared as I am that she’ll never speak to us again.”
“That’s why you’re…” He gestured to me.
“Yes, why I’m trying to do better. I’m hoping if she ever does find out, she’ll forgive me because…” I choked. “I’m not that person anymore.”
“You’re not. I’m not sure you ever were,” Tyler said, putting his hand on mine. “Eat. You haven’t eaten all day.”
I took a bite, chewing as I cried—as it turned out, that was surprisingly difficult.
Tyler rummaged through the cabinets until he found some Keurig pods. He watched me eat, clearing his throat when he finally got the courage to ask his question.
“Did you … you know … go to the doctor? I imagine neither of you probably thought to use protection.”
I nodded, wishing I could crawl into a hole and die. “Yeah. I’ve had an IUD in one form or another since I was fifteen. I checked out.”
“Good. It could have been a lot worse. Piece of shit,” he grumbled.
“It would be easier to blame him, but it’s not just his fault.” The tears began to flow again. Tyler set a steaming mug in front of me, and then made another for himself. We sipped tea until I stopped crying, sitting together in comfortable silence. We had barely said anything since our initial conversation an hour before, but I felt better just knowing he was there.
Dark circles began to form under his red eyes, and he tapped his keys. “Ellie…”
“Stay,” I blurted out.
“Here?” Tyler said, pointing down at the island.
“Can you?”
“I mean … I guess I could. It’s my day off, anyway. Chief owes me.”
“It doesn’t have to be like last time.”
He made a face. “I know. I’m not a complete asshat.”
“So you’ll stay?” I felt so weak, so vulnerable, but that was preferable to being alone.
“Yeah. I mean, I can if you want me to. On one condition, though.”
I studied him, unsure what he was going to require.
“What if we tried another breakfast?” he asked. “Tomorrow morning.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. “That’s it?”
“That’s all.”
“I’m assuming you don’t want me to attend hungover this time?”
He chuckled, but he seemed preoccupied. “I don’t know. I kind of liked holding your hair.”
“I bet you did,” I teased. I looked over at him, not a trace of humor in my expression. “Full disclosure … I’m pretty sure this is a terrible idea.”
“Yeah,” Tyler said, looking down. “You’ve mentioned that. I know you’re trying to get your shit together, and I’m probably a risky friend to have during a transition … but, I don’t know, Ellie. I just like being around you.”
“Why? I’m mean to you.”
He grinned. “Exactly.”
I shook my head. “You’re weird.”
“You’re sort of beautiful with dirt on your face.”
I managed to use my remaining energy to breathe out a laugh. “I’m just going to say that’s a compliment and call it good, but I’m still going to take a shower.”
“I’m next,” he said.
I put my dirty plate in the sink, and then led Tyler upstairs, this time to my bedroom. He sat on the end of my bed while I undressed and turned the knob on the shower.
“I was thinking,” he called from the other room. “I’m getting pretty sick of the bar scene. There are so many other things to do here. All my friends drink, though.”
“Take it from me, that makes it difficult.”
“Maybe we should form a club.”
I stepped under the water, moaning as it washed over me. Hot showers in the middle of a national park with twenty other people were rare. Just because I didn’t complain didn’t mean I didn’t miss it. “Two people don’t make a club, Tyler.”
“Who cares?” he said, poking his head through the door. He faced the wall but spoke loud so I could hear. “We can do what we want.”
“A no drinking club? That sounds like the lamest thing ever.”
“Any club I’m in is fucking awesome.”
“If you say so.”
“So … breakfast?” he asked, a new spark of hope in his eyes.
I sighed. “I would be really, really bad for you.”
“Nah,” he said, waving me away. “Anyway, I’m a big boy. I can handle it.”
“I don’t need you to save me. I’ve got this.”
“Any other excuses?”
My eyebrows pulled together. “You’re sort of a dick when you’re not in the woods.”
“Rinse off already. It’s my turn.”
I wrung out my hair and pulled the towel off the rack, stepping out onto the mat. From the corner of my eye, I could see Tyler pulling his shirt over his head. He pulled his belt from the loops, and the buckle clanged against the tile before his jeans hit the floor. He walked across the room and opened the shower, stepping in under the water.
“Christ, this feels good,” he said.
I smiled, pulling a brush through my wet hair. I watched his reflection in the mirror lather the soap over his skin, and felt a familiar tingling between my thighs.
“What if this gets ugly?” I asked. “What if you hate me when it’s over?”
“Not gonna happen.”
“It did with Sterling.”
“I’m not going to make you trip balls, and then have sex with you.”
“So … friends?” I asked.
The water cut off, and Tyler stepped out, wrapping a towel around his waist. His Adam’s apple bobbed when he swallowed, and then he cleared his throat like he was about to make a promise he didn’t want to keep. “Friends.”
“Will you still stay?” I asked.
Tyler managed a small smile, the thoughts swirling behind his eyes clouding his irises. “I wasn’t going to try to sleep with you, anyway, Ellie.”
“No?”
“No. It’s just different now.”
I stood, stunned, unable to form a response. Whatever the ache was in my chest, I was sure it was something similar to a broken heart.
“C’mon,” he said, standing. “Let’s crash. I’m beat.”
He followed me to the bed, but there was a difference in the air between us. Tyler seemed more relaxed, as if the question was gone, the pressure eliminated. With the towel still wrapped around him, he crawled into my bed, turning onto his side.
I opened my dresser drawer and slipped on a pair of Calvins under my towel and then walked over to bathroom doorway, picking his T-shirt off the floor.
“Just leave it, Ellie. I’m going to wear it home in the morning.”
He watched me with confusion and then surprise when I slipped it over my head and padded over to the bed, climbing in next to him. He wrapped both arms around me, burying his nose in my hair, and sighed.
“You’re half naked, wearing my shirt. This isn’t exactly fair.”
I reached into my nightstand, and then turned to face him, staring into his eyes while I peeled open the package in my hand. “We can still be friends,” I said, reaching down, sliding my hand between the towel and his skin. He immediately hardened in my hand.
“I don’t know how to do this,” Tyler breathed, leaning in to graze his lips across mine while I slipped the latex over his skin. “This in-between shit, Ellie. I don’t think I can. You’re either mine, or you’re not.”
“I’m not anyone else’s.”
He planted his mouth on mine, kissing me hard and deep.
“We don’t have to fit into any special box,” I said. He pulled away, looking for more answers in my eyes. “It is what it is. Can’t we just do that?”
Tyler slowly climbed on top of me, scanning my face for half a minute before leaning down to claim me with his mouth.
I tugged on his towel until it slipped away, and it fell somewhere next to the bed.
“You’re right,” he whispered. “This is a bad idea.” He swept the fabric of my Calvins aside, just enough for him to slide inside me.
I took a deep breath and sighed. Tyler felt too good … too safe. I could see in his eyes that he was willing to try me like poison; even after the first taste, we were already wondering how excruciating the end would be.