CHAPTER NINETEEN
I was sitting on the sofa with my feet propped on the coffee table, wiggling my toes in my knee-high fuzzy socks and wearing one of Tyler’s sweatshirts that was big enough to be a nightgown. I breathed in the smell of the pumpkin caramel latte candles I’d just lit, feeling comforted by the lines in the carpet from the vacuum and the gleam from the wood polish on the end tables.
It had taken me nearly two weeks to unpack each box and find a place for everything the twins owned. Tyler had been busy, home just long enough to see his things unpacked and get a hot shower before heading back to the barracks. After their belongings were put away, I cleaned every inch, and then used some of my savings to buy a few inexpensive finishing touches for the smaller tables, like the candles and antique firefighting books I’d found at Goodwill and had stacked flat next to the lamps the boys already had. Standing on one end table were vintage fire hose couplings from a New York firehouse that had been welded vertically on eBay for cheap and a hundred-year-old copper and brass fire extinguisher that I’d sat by the door.
A photo album from Taylor and Tyler’s childhood was sitting in my lap, opened to my favorite picture of Tyler and his mother. She was squatting next to him, surrounded by their baseball team, the Crushers. She was the coach, her right arm hooked around his middle, her left arm around Taylor with a wide, toothy smile. They looked happier than my family had ever been. I couldn’t imagine what her death had done to them.
I removed the picture from the album and walked across the room to the empty frame on the mantle that sat beneath the flat screen hanging on the back wall. I inserted the photo, careful to only touch the edges, and placed it next to one of the small lanterns with an antler base I’d found in a box in Taylor’s room. The metal flecks in the frame made it stand out, and I hoped it would make them smile like it did me.
I sat down on the sofa again with a mug of hot buttered rum and cider, leaning back and letting my muscles relax. Tyler’s absence had helped him focus on missing me instead of our last argument, and our nightly phone calls made it harder for me to deny that I missed him.
The changing leaves on the Aspen trees around Estes Park were beginning to show early signs that fall was upon us. Fire season was just weeks away from being over.
My phone was connected to Taylor’s Bluetooth speaker in the corner with Halsey’s album on loop, and I was waiting on Tyler’s call. He’d stayed in Colorado Springs during his first R&R because the fire still wasn’t contained. He’d said the night before that they were close to calling the ground crews, and I was hopeful that this R&R they could come home.
The lock shimmied, and the door opened, and I startled, then turned around to see Tyler standing in the doorway in shock.
“Honey, I’m … holy shit.” He leaned back, looking at the number on the door. “Am I in the right place?”
I stood, holding out my hands and letting them fall to my thighs. “Welcome home.”
Tyler looked at me for the longest time, a dozen emotions scrolling across his face.
“What?” I giggled nervously, setting my mug on a coaster.
He dropped his bag and took three long strides before wrapping his arms around me and planting a deep kiss on my mouth. He cupped my jaw, and then the kisses slowed, less passionate and more careful, giving me a few more pecks before pulling away.
He bit his bottom lip, tasted the cider on his lips, and looked down at the mug. “What is that? Rum?”
I smiled. “Just a little with my cider. It’s been a long day.”
“It’s been a long month. A really long month.” He took turns looking at both of my eyes, his warm brown irises bouncing back and forth while he thought of something adequate to say. He scanned my face, sliding his thumb along my bottom lip.
He shook his head. “What is that amazing smell?”
“The candles.”
“Candles.” He breathed out a laugh. “In my apartment. Taylor is going to shit a wildcat.”
“I can get rid of them. I just thought—”
“They’re great. You didn’t have to do all this.”
“Yes, I did.”
He seemed like he was deciding something, and then his eyebrows pulled in. “I kept thinking on the mountain that I needed to focus on the job and stop thinking about you. That’s the wrong place to be preoccupied. For twenty-eight days, I’ve laid awake at night thinking about your lips, your hands, and the way your eyebrows raise when your bullshit detector goes off and you call me on it. I’ve missed you like crazy, Ellie. And then coming home to you…”
I offered a small smile, not knowing what else to say. “Do you want to see the rest?” I asked.
He chuckled and looked down, not bothered to be frustrated with my answer. When he looked up, his dimple dug into his cheek. “Yeah. Show me the rest.”
I took his hand and pulled him into the kitchen, showing him where the plates were stacked and which drawer was the silverware, and then we went down the hall, and I relished in his reactions with each room.
When we got to his, he intertwined his fingers on top of his head and sighed in awe. He didn’t have a bed frame, so I’d used some lattice boards sitting by the dumpster for headboards. I’d cleaned them up and painted them with leftover white paint from when the magazine was built.
“This is crazy. Where did you get that?”
“I made it.” I shrugged. “Wick helped.”
He shook his head. “You didn’t have to do all this, Ellie. This doesn’t even look like the same apartment … it looks like…”
“Home.” I looked around at all my hard work, grinning.
Tyler kissed me again, pulling my oversized sweatshirt over my head as he backed me toward the bed. His tongued danced with mine, and when I sat, I kept him at bay with my right leg, pointing my fuzzy-socked foot at his chest. He flattened both hands on each side of my ankles, sliding them up past my knees to my thighs, and then pulled back, rolling the socks down and tossing them perfectly into the hamper in the corner.
He took my feet in his hands, kissing my toe, the side of my arch, and then moving up to my ankle, trailing up the inside of my leg with tiny kisses, each one leaving behind a second of warmth before it cooled.
He set my foot flat on the mattress and then reached back with one hand, pulling his T-shirt up. The bottom hem revealed his stomach and then chest, before he yanked it off his head and tossed it while keeping his gaze on me. He had leaned out during fire season, making all six tight muscles of his abs stand out, and the small V protrude, making the path that lead to the bulge behind his cargo pants even more noticeable.
He kicked off his boots, and then shoved down his pants, crawling on top of me wearing just his boxer briefs. His hair was longer, his cheeks a bit sunken in, his jaw more prominent, but his skin was still rough over mine, his tongue still as soft and warm as I remembered.
The weight of him between my thighs made me dig my fingers into his back, bringing him closer, begging him to ram me and come before my heart could feel anything more. Instead, his kisses slowed, and he hovered over me while he balanced himself with one elbow, helping me remove the only two pieces of fabric between us.
I reached above me with one hand to point, holding him against me with the other. “Condoms in the nightstand.”
He grazed my jawline with the tip of his nose, breathing me in. He was contemplating something, deciding just when he reached the skin beneath my ear. “Have you been with anyone but me since Sterling?” he asked.
I shook my head.
“IUD still around?”
I nodded.
“I want to feel you,” he said. When I didn’t protest, he held his breath, sliding his bare skin inside me. He closed his eyes, exhaling as he moaned.
An intense euphoria seared through me, crawling just under the skin to the edges of every inch from my head to my toes. He fit perfectly, like he’d been molded just for me. His skin against mine was more powerful than any rush I’d felt before, whether from self-medicating or being on the mountain. Tyler Maddox was the ultimate high.
I pulled the belt of my robe tight and leaned against the doorjamb between the hall and the living room. Tyler was on the other side of the small breakfast counter, standing over a sizzling skillet on the stove.
“He cooks,” I said.
Tyler flipped a pancake, catching it in the pan, and then set it down to pick up the tongs and flip the bacon. He turned to look at me over his shoulder, flashing the dimple I was falling for, and nodded for me to join him.
I sauntered across the floor, leaning my backside against the counter next to him, my arms crossed. He leaned over to kiss my cheek and returned to breakfast as if it were the most normal thing in the world. I took stock of my feelings, wondering why I didn’t feel like bolting for the door.
“You snore,” Tyler said with a snort.
“I do not,” I said, rolling my eyes.
“No, but you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve seen in the morning sun.”
I looked down, letting my hair fall into my face.
The dishes clacked together as he loaded them up with greasy food, and then he took them to the tiny bistro table against the wall. Our two plates barely fit, but he put them down, directing me to sit while he poured us two small glasses of orange juice.
He sat down, took a big gulp, and then set the empty glass on the counter behind him. “I don’t want you to look for another place. I want you stay here.”
“It’s a two-bedroom, and Taylor is going to eventually want his bed.”
“No, I want you to live here with me.”
“With you,” I said, watching him wait nervously for my reaction. Feeling so much power over a man would normally be thrilling for me, but a man the size of Tyler squirming was uncomfortable to watch.
“I’m sorry, Ellie,” he blurted. “I couldn’t help it.”
“Couldn’t help what?”
“I woke up this morning with you in my arms.” He chuckled. “Your fucking hair was everywhere. I had a hell of a time getting it out of your face. Then all the strands were fanned out, framing you from the shoulders up. You looked so peaceful. It just happened.”
I frowned. “What are you talking about?”
His face fell, desperation in his eyes. “I fell in love with you. It’s been coming for a while. I tried not to.”
“You’re in love with me,” I said.
“I’m in love with you,” he repeated, more confession than declaration. We both knew what we agreed our relationship was meant to be, and he was shitting all over it.
“Tyler…”
“I don’t want you to look for another place. I want you to stay. I can’t think of one fucking thing better than coming home to you.” He paused. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
My chin was resting against my fist, partially covering my mouth. All I could do was shake my head.
“You don’t love me,” he said, devastated. He dropped his fork and fell against the back of his chair.
“I don’t know,” I said, my eyes glossing over. “How do you know?”
“Because I’m scared to death if I lose you I’ll never feel like this with anyone else.”
I swallowed, knowing what would happen next. It was the reason I’d worked so hard on the apartment. I wanted to leave something good behind.
“I already know that. When I lose you, I know I’ll never feel this way with anyone else.”
One side of his mouth turned up, but when recognition hit, his grin faded. He nodded and pressed his lips together, looking at every point on the floor before standing and leaving me for his room. The door slammed, and my shoulders tensed, my eyes closed tight.
I walked down the hall, knocking softly on the door. “Tyler? I just … if I could just get my things…”
He didn’t answer, and I pushed open the door. Tyler was sitting on the floor with his knees up, his back against the foot of his bed.
“Just getting my stuff, and I’ll go.”
“Where are you going to go, Ellie? Just stay.”
“That’s not fair to you.”
He looked up at me with the same tired and ruined eyes I had seen so many times before. “You’re the only woman in the world I know could tell me half-ass that she loves me while breaking my heart.”
“I’m doing you a favor. You just don’t know it yet.”
“Bullshit. Quit fucking running.”
I pointed to the door. “Have you seen your cupboards? Your fridge? Crown, rum, vodka, cheap wine, and beer. I fall asleep wherever I pass out.”
“Not last night,” he said.
“I put Crown in my coffee and take it to work. I’m a drunk, Tyler.”
He shrugged. “So let’s make a call. Get you into a program. Doesn’t mean I can’t love you.”
“We had an agreement.”
He shook his head, looking to the floor. He closed one eye, the entire conversation more hurtful than he anticipated. “What if falling in love doesn’t break your heart, Ellie? We’re happy when we’re not fighting about being happy.”
“That’s not true,” I snapped.
“It damn sure is. Every time you think we’re feeling too much or too happy, you tap the brakes.”
“I’m just trying to stop before we start.”
He crawled to his feet. “Before we start? I just told you I’m in love with you!”
“You don’t know that,” I said, picking up my bag and filling it with the few things I owned.
Tyler walked over and grabbed my wrist. “You know how I know? Only love could hurt like this.”
I twisted away from him, thinking about the little boy in the photograph I’d placed on the mantle. “I was honest with you from the beginning. I told you I couldn’t. You said you were fine with it.”
“Well, now I’m not.” He held out his hands, gesturing to the room. “Why did you do all of this? You made us a home just to leave me alone in it?”
“I wanted to you to remember that I’m not completely awful.”
“Why do you fucking care?” he seethed.
Tears spilled over onto my cheeks. “I don’t deserve anything you have to offer, Tyler. I loved being with you while you let me, but anything past this…”
He laughed once in disbelief. “You don’t think you deserve me. Ellie…” He cupped my shoulders. “I’m a dick. Trust me, I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you. But I’m trying. I told myself a few weeks ago when I … that I was going to keep trying until I did deserve you.”
I looked up at him, my eyes narrowed. “When you what?”
He clenched his teeth. “It was after you told me we were just fucking and fighting. I went to a local country bar to meet my brother.”
“So?”
“So,” he sighed. “A girl showed up. I didn’t know she knew Taylor.”
“I understand. You don’t have to tell me.”
“I didn’t go home with her or anything; I just kissed her. I intended to, though. She was nice to me. I didn’t have to try so fucking hard just to feel rejected.”
I swallowed, angry at how hurt I felt. “It’s fine. She sounds great.”
“She wasn’t you,” he said.
I wiped my cheek. “I bet she wasn’t fucked up.”
“We’re all a little fucked up. Not all of us use it to push everyone away.”
I lifted my chin. “So you decided you were in love with me after you tried to take someone home. Indicative of our dysfunction, don’t you think?”
“Ellie …”
I closed my eyes. “I never meant for us to get in this deep. I never meant for this to mean anything more. Let me leave. One of us has to.”
He dropped his hands from my shoulders, exhaling like the wind had been knocked out of him. “Where?”
“Jojo’s.”
He nodded toward the door. “Go.”
I bent down to get one last shirt, and then rushed to the laundry room at the end of the hall and grabbed some folded clothes. My backpack was full, so I began filling a small plastic laundry basket.
I reached for the door, but his hand was on mine. I breathed out a cry, knowing if he said one more word, I would stay.
He touched his cheek to mine, then kissed my temple. “Let me drive you.”
I shook my head.
He let go of the knob, waiting for me to look up at him. When I did, his expression crushed me. “You’re still my friend. Let me drive you.”
I nodded, watching him fetch his keys. He led me to his truck, and then I directed him to the magazine. We didn’t speak. Tyler gripped the steering wheel so tight his knuckles turned white.
When I pointed to the back lot, he frowned. “Why did you tell me to come here, Ellie? Jojo doesn’t live here.”
“There’s an apartment above. I have a key,” I said, pulling Tyler’s off my key ring.
He took it, glowering at the metal in his palm. He closed his eyes. “Ellie, I still want you to come to Illinois with me next month.”
I laughed once. “I can’t meet your family, Tyler. Are you insane?”
“I already told Dad you were coming.”
I frowned.
“Please?”
“We can’t just be friends now. Not when I love yous have been thrown around. We can’t go back. You’ve ruined it.”
“You’ve ruined me.”
“It was your turn.”
He managed a small laugh, looking down. “Get the fuck outta my truck, Edson.”
“Done,” I said with a smile. “See you around.”
I fished the key out from the small, fake rock by the back door, and then waved to Tyler as he reversed his truck and pulled away. Once inside, I lugged my bag and the laundry basket up a set of stairs, seeing the perfectly clean apartment. No décor, no candles, no pictures of anyone I loved.
I sat on the floor and sobbed—emotionally exhausted, heartbroken, and relieved.