It’s two weeks later and since my period was a no show, I’m now holding a pregnancy test. We’ve been very careful. After that first week, we had to keep buying boxes of condoms so I decided to get on birth control pills and he got tested. Then we were doing it like bunnies all over his apartment. I had never gone bare before with a guy. It was Earth shattering. He hadn’t gone bare before either. We pretty much stayed in bed all that afternoon, feeling every inch of each other, inside and out.

But now I’m looking at two little lines that seem to say I’m pregnant. I heave into the toilet like I did yesterday morning. This is the worst thing that could happen right now. Dylan just agreed to be in a relationship and now I’m pregnant. He’s going to think I trapped him or something and I’m not ready for a baby right now. I’ve always dreamed about being a mother, but when I’m married and the relationship is clearly defined and I’m financially stable. Thankfully, I have paid off all my school loans and still have my apartment. Dylan pays me very well. I’m more secure financially than I ever have been. I’m still not ready to be a mother, but I don’t think I could ever consider terminating the pregnancy or giving this baby up for adoption. I should probably make a doctor’s appointment just to make sure; I don’t want to freak him out on false information. I think these tests can be wrong sometimes.

I make an appointment for the next available slot which happens to be at the end of the week. So I have to wait a whole three days before I can get confirmation. It’s going to be a long week. How am I going to stay calm and not tell Dylan until then? I wrap up the pregnancy test in some tissue and put it in my panty drawer. I took the test while Dylan went to go get us some lunch and he should be back any minute. Now, if I can just act semi normal around him.

It took about thirty minutes for him to notice anything. “Why are you acting so weird?” Dylan is giving me a pinched face look. I gaze down at my food and move it around my takeout box.

“I’m not acting weird. I’m just not that hungry.” He gives me the stink eye like he knows something’s up. I’m totally fucked right now. Then that gives me an idea.

“God, you’ve been so horny lately. It’s awesome.” Dylan pushes into me again as I lie across the dining table, our takeout boxes long forgotten and shaking against Dylan’s punishing rhythm. “Fuck, Andy. You make me so hot. If I knew calling you my girlfriend would up the sex, I would have done it earlier. Shit. I’m gonna come.”

I moan as my orgasm rips through me. He pulses inside me and I’m reminded of what else I might be keeping inside me. I start to weep.

I cry a lot, really at the drop of a hat. I’m just a sensitive person. I’m hoping this won’t alert him that anything is wrong or that I’m upset about anything. Calming myself down, I play it off as just an amazing orgasm.

“What’s wrong, baby? Why are you crying? Did I hurt you?” He leans over me and wipes at my tears. I can’t keep this from him any longer. I’m breaking down right here before his eyes. I’m a terrible liar. I can’t keep a secret to save my life either. I don’t know why I thought I could do this. Maybe it won’t be that bad? It would be nice to share this information with someone else. I’ve only had the burden for a couple of hours and I’m already overwhelmed. I should just tell him what’s going on so we can deal with this together.

Of course I do what I shouldn’t do and just blurt it out. “I’m pregnant!”

He immediately pales and looks down where we are currently connected. He pulls out and nearly falls over twice as he puts his boxers and pants on. His hands slam on his hips once he rights himself. Oh no. This doesn’t look good. I rise and pull down my dress so I’m covered.

“Want to run that by me again?” He looks pissed. His face is a little red and sweaty. I’m not sure if it’s from the sex or what I just told him. I slink off the table and grab my takeout box for something to do. “What are you doing?” he asks me incredulously.

“I’m just putting this in the fridge for later.” I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. For some reason my mind wants to act like I didn’t say anything and for everything to go back to normal, but Dylan is not having any of it.

“What the fuck, Andy? You just told me you’re pregnant and your acting like nothing has changed.” He’s pacing in front of the dining table now. Birdie rouses from her bed by my desk and goes over to try and comfort Dylan. She can tell he’s upset. She rubs up against his leg. “Not now, Birdie.” He shoves her with his leg. I gasp and call Birdie over to me.

“Look, I didn’t plan for any of this to happen, but you don’t need to take it out on Birdie. She was just trying to calm you down.”

“Calm down?”

I stand up with Birdie while Dylan looks like he’s about to pull his hair out.

“Did you just seriously say I need to calm down?”

“No . . . I—” Dylan cuts me off mid-sentence.

“You just told me you’re pregnant for God’s sake, while I was still inside you.”

“I don’t see . . .”

“Who the fuck does that? Don’t answer that.” He turns his back on me. I’m standing there dumbfounded. I knew he might freak out a little bit and it might take some adjusting and definitely some planning. I just didn’t think he would lash out. “Did you stop taking your birth control?”

I narrow my eyes at him as he turns back around. “No.”

“Well, how the fuck, Andy?”

“I don’t know. I take my birth control pills every day. I just took the test this morning. It could be false. I have a doctor’s appointment on Friday to confirm.” I’m making excuses and telling him all my plans so he knows I didn’t try and trap him, but I don’t think any of what I’ve said is any comfort to him at all. I can tell by his face he doesn’t want this baby. I’m going to be raising this child on my own. There’s a shift in the room. I don’t know if it’s my attitude toward this situation or his, but I know we’re done here.

I turn to go in our bedroom . . . or his bedroom. I pack a bag of all my clothes. I still hadn’t fully moved in with him. It doesn’t take me long to grab everything I need. He’s giving me space which is good. I’m trying to keep it together and not cry. I take one last look at the bed we have shared for the past month. My eyes start to water and I look up to the ceiling to gain control. When I walk out of the bedroom, Dylan spots the bag I’m carrying.

“Where are you going?” Dylan’s still by the dining table with his hands on his waist. He hasn’t moved at all since we started this argument, discussion, breakup, whatever this is.

“Home. Come on, Birdie.” Birdie comes to me immediately, probably sensing the hurt in my voice. I clip her pink leash on her. Dylan just stands there. I’m a little surprised at his lack of emotion on me leaving. That solidifies that he doesn’t want a baby or me.

“Let me know how the doctor’s appointment goes.” My mouth gapes open with my back turned to him and the tears start to fall. I feel like I’m being taken out with the trash. I’ve never felt so low in my life. He must feel nothing for me at all for him to not even suggest coming with me or seeing me before my appointment. I guess it was just sex for him. If he wants to know about my appointment, he can come and figure it out for himself. I will not seek out some deadbeat asshole. I close the door behind me.