Chapter 24

Before he got to the house, Nick changed his mind.

He turned around and trudged back toward the coach house…and past it, into his garage. He hit the button to open the big door, climbed into his vehicle, and started it. A few minutes later he was at a convenience store a few blocks away. And moments after that, back in his garage.

He hiked to the door of the coach house and rapped on it, his heart hammering against his ribs.

Jodie opened it, her face pale, her eyes sad. Her eyebrows pulled down at seeing him again.

“Here.” He handed her the big bottle of root beer with shaking hands. “For Zyana.”

Her bottom lip pushed out and trembled as she took it from him, looking at him with wide, questioning, hurting eyes.

Sweat broke out on his forehead and prickled his underarms.

He turned and headed to his house.

In his kitchen, he found the bottle of Gran Patrón Piedra in the cupboard and carried it and a glass upstairs to the family room.

He knew this was a bad idea. He had an important playoff game the day after tomorrow. A practice tomorrow. He had to be in the best shape he could possibly be, not hungover, dehydrated, and depressed.

Right at this moment…he didn’t care.

He’d be fine.

He swallowed the tequila, enjoying the heat spreading down his esophagus and into his belly.

He sprawled back into the couch, staring into space.

Last time he’d done this…Jodie had shown up. She’d sat with him. Drank with him. Talked to him. No, that wasn’t right. That day, she’d let him talk.

He didn’t like talking. But he’d sure spilled his guts that day. Must’ve been the tequila.

Right. It was Jodie.

She’d listened without judging. Comforted him. Supported him. He felt like he didn’t deserve that, but she made him want that.

He knew better than to get involved with people. He always let them down so badly. After his parents had died, he’d felt responsible for Aleks. Okay, even before they’d died, he’d felt that way. Aleks had been his best friend, his little brother, his partner in crime. They had hopes and dreams together. He’d taken that responsibility seriously. And in the end, he hadn’t been there for Aleks when he’d needed him most.

He gulped down more tequila.

Poor Zyana. He’d let her down too. And Jodie.

He was better off alone. And he knew that Jodie didn’t need a man in her life. She was strong and independent, smart and resourceful. But she’d find someone. Someone who was good enough for her, who’d be there for her and for Zyana. That was what he’d meant when he’d said that to her—not that she couldn’t live without a man.

The idea of another man in her life made his stomach heave.

She’d called him a coward.

That was wrong. He was doing the right thing for them, even though it was fucking killing him.

He remembered Zyana playing hockey with so much passion for such a small person. He remembered the funny things she said. He was going to miss her so damn much. A hard shudder rocked his chest.

Not as much as he’d miss Jodie. He closed his eyes as more memories reeled through his mind—the night they’d met, how she’d knocked him off balance with her talk about sex. Her making him laugh. Her making his heart ache with her love for her daughter. Her sexy moans and purrs when they fucked…the taste of her mouth, the feel of her skin, her tight body around him…

He groaned and leaned his head back.

He’d done the right thing by ending it with her before things went too far.

Then why did he feel like he’d just done a brutal round with the biggest, meanest enforcer in the NHL?

---

Jodie had to pretend everything was okay for Zyana’s sake. She couldn’t crumple up on the floor and sob. She had to keep a smile firmly in place and look after her daughter.

Maybe that was a good thing though.

Her heart ached so badly, but acting ordinary kept her going. She heated up soup for their dinner. Zyana ate a little and Jodie gave it a shot, but her stomach was so tense she was afraid anything she ate would come back up.

When Zyana dozed off on the couch again after dinner, she sat with her, staring into space.

Thinking about Nick.

Why did this hurt so much? They’d both been honest about their expectations going into this. She hadn’t expected anything long term. She knew she wasn’t going to find a man who’d accept her along with her daughter. A ready-made family. And Nick was the last guy who’d do that. He’d been honest about not wanting a family.

She let out a sigh. Somehow, even knowing that, her emotions had gotten involved. Maybe she hadn’t admitted it to herself, but deep down inside…she wanted more with Nick. She wanted long term. Maybe even…forever.

Dammit. She was falling in love with him.

Her heart landed in her throat, nearly choking her.

That should never have happened. God.

As she’d gotten to know him better, she’d seen past that gruff exterior to the man inside…the man who’d loved his brother and looked after him and still felt guilty about letting him down, even though it hadn’t been his fault that Aleks had committed suicide. The man of few words, who created beauty out of old furniture and an old house. The man who said he wanted to be left alone, but loved his friends and teammates, who played hockey and laughed with Zyana, who was so generous and caring with Jodie in bed…which made her think what he really wanted was what everyone wanted: Acceptance. Belonging. Love.

Anger flared hot and bright inside her. Coward.

She’d called him a coward, and it was true. He was too afraid to take a chance on having that love and acceptance he really wanted.

Well, fuck him. He could spend the rest of his life alone, if that’s what he wanted. She had her daughter and her friends and her employees, who were also friends. She’d be just fine without him.

Her bottom lip pushed out as tears stung her eyes, her breath leaving her all at once in an agonizing gasp.

She would be just fine. But right now…she hurt. Not only was her heart broken, her daughter’s heart was going to be broken too over losing Nick, and that just doubled the pain.

---

We won’t be going to the game tomorrow. Zyana’s sick.

Jodie sent the text message to Kendra.

Oh no! Poor baby. Ear infection?

Yes.

Aw. I’ll stop over this afternoon. Need anything?

Ice cream.

What kind would she like?

It’s for me.

LOL Okay then, cookies and cream?

Perfect.

Kendra arrived later with two kinds of ice cream: cookies and cream for Jodie and strawberry for Zyana. As Jodie scooped the treat into bowls, her insides feeling hollow and empty, Kendra said, “So why the ice cream for you? You’re not getting sick, are you?”

“No.” She set a spoon in the bowl and carried it over to Zyana, ensconced on the couch again with blanket, pillow, toys, and books. There was no doubt Zyana was sick when she wasn’t running around or dancing. “Here you go.”

“Thank you.”

Jodie caught Kendra’s sympathetic expression. “Poor wee thing.”

“She’s doing a bit better today.” She told Kendra about the ruptured eardrum. “Nick was pretty freaked out.” She spooned up a mouthful of cookies and cream.

“Poor guy.”

“He’s an asshole.”

Kendra blinked. “What? Why?” She frowned. “Do you blame him for her ruptured eardrum?”

“No.” Jodie poked her ice cream. “I don’t think he could have done anything different. When they went to bed, he knew she wasn’t feeling well, but he didn’t know it was an ear infection until they woke up in the morning.”

“So why’s he an asshole, then?”

The words squeezed out through her tight throat. “He broke up with me.”

Kendra sucked in a breath. “Oh.” She pulled her bottom lip in between her teeth, regarding Jodie somberly. “Why?”

“Because he’s an asshole.”

Kendra snorted. “No other reason?”

She fought back the wave of tears that threatened. “He says he can’t handle being responsible for someone else. He needs to focus on hockey right now.”

“Huh.” Kendra paused. “Are you okay?”

Jodie’s bottom lip quivered. “Not really.”

“Ah, shit.” Kendra reached out and rubbed Jodie’s back. “Were you getting serious about him?”

Jodie sniffled pathetically. She’d been holding back the tears ever since Nick had walked out, and they were getting perilously close to the surface. “I guess I was. I didn’t even realize how much until he left.” She swiped the back of her hand across one eye. “We haven’t even known each other that long, but…I thought we really had something…special. I think I…” Her voice cracked. “I think I love him.”

Kendra looked like she was going to cry herself. “Shit.”

“I know.” Jodie tried for a wobbly, watery smile. “I’m sorry I got myself into this. The sad thing is, I got Zyana into it too. She’s going to miss him.”

“I don’t really get it. He didn’t have to dump you just because of the playoffs.”

“Obviously it’s more than that. He’s scared of getting involved with someone. Especially two someones.” She swiped her eyes again. “It’s for the best, if he can’t handle it.” She looked down at her ice cream through blurry eyes. “Except…it hurts so damn much.” Her voice broke as hot pain carved her insides into slices.

“Oh, Jodie. I’m so sorry.” Kendra moved and hugged her.

“I should have known better.” She dropped her spoon and hugged Kendra back, her chest full and aching. “I’ve never let a man get so close since Zyana was born because I didn’t want this to happen and now…it did. Dammit.”

“You can’t wall your heart off for the rest of your life.”

“I know. But it’s not just my heart I’m protecting—it’s my daughter’s too.”

“I know she’s the most important thing in your life. But you’re important too.” She squeezed Jodie’s shoulders.

“Aw. Thank you. Love you.” She leaned her head against her friend’s shoulder. “I’ll be okay. Maybe.”

“I’m here for you. Always. You know that.”

“Yeah.” Her heart hurt with a clawing vicious pain, but having her best friend there for her helped.

“And now I’m going over to Nick’s place to kick him in the nuts.”

Jodie choked on a half-laugh half-sob. “No, you’re not.”

“Okay, I’ll get Max to punch him. He’s bigger than me.”

“No. They’re friends. I don’t want this to mess that up.”

“You’re too nice.”

Maybe she was. Maybe she should want revenge. Want Nick to be punished. But somehow, she had a feeling he’d been punished enough in his life.

---

It was spring in Chicago—tulips blooming, trees bursting into fresh green, the breezes off the lake smelling like hope. Hockey season was heating up. The Western Conference Final began with a home game for the Aces against Anaheim.

Which they lost.

They won their next game, then traveled to Anaheim for the next two, which they again lost. Back to Chicago for another win, and then…heartbreak. They fought with everything they had, sending the game into overtime but ultimately losing. And their season was done.

Nick was just finishing cleaning out his locker when Coach Wendell called to him to come into his office. He trudged over, disappointment still weighing like a boulder inside him.

“I just want to thank you for your hard work this season.” Brad lowered himself into the chair behind his desk. “You had the best season of your career. Your work ethic set an example for all those young guys coming up. That’s what true leadership is…leading by example.”

Nick rubbed the back of his head, not sure what to say. “Uh, wow. Thank you.”

“I know it’s been hard for you, playing without Aleks.”

He swallowed and gave a short nod. “Yeah. I always feel like it should be him playing here, not me.”

Coach frowned. “What?”

Nick shrugged. “He was the talented one. He made it seem so easy. I had to work my ass off to get here. Like you just said…I have a good work ethic.” He smiled wryly.

“Well, yeah, you do.” His frown didn’t ease. “But you have a lot of skill, Nicky. My praise of your work ethic doesn’t mean that’s all you’ve got. Some guys come into the league at age eighteen and do amazing things. Others take a while to hit their stride. That’s you. The things you do on the ice don’t always get a lot of attention. You’re not a top goal-scorer. But you contribute a helluva lot out there. I want you to know that doesn’t go unnoticed by the team. Next year I want to build on that.”

Nick’s throat constricted, and he nodded again. “Yeah.” He coughed. “Me too.”

“Great. What are your plans for the summer?”

“I, uh, don’t know. Do some work on my house. I’ll probably go home at some point…go to the cottage on Georgian Bay.” Except that always reminded him of Aleks.

“That’s a gorgeous area. Grew up not far from there.”

They chatted a bit more, and then Nick was dismissed. He carried his stuff to his vehicle to head home.

He was kind of blown away by Brad’s praise. It was a tiny ray of light after the bitter disappointment of losing again, so close to making it to the finals.

In his big empty kitchen, he leaned against the counter. The letdown of being done for the season hadn’t even fully sunk in yet, but the silence and loneliness of the house pressed in on him. The house was quiet. Too quiet.

Wow. This was what he enjoyed…his home was his sanctuary of peace and solitude. But right now, it felt oppressive. Desolate.

His head jerked around at a knock on the back door. Frowning, he pushed away from the counter and strode to the door. His heart bumped at seeing Jodie.

It was the first time he’d seen her since he’d dropped off the root beer for Zyana that day. He’d been busy, with games every other day. And she’d kept out of his path.

He opened the door to her. Jodie didn’t smile. “Hi.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Sorry to bother you. I, uh, saw the game and…sorry you lost.”

“Yeah.”

She eyed him as if she wanted to say more. Then she pulled in a breath and lifted her chin. “I came to tell you that I’ve found another place. We’ll be moving out as of June first.”

He stared at her. Did he hear that right? He felt like he’d been punched in the gut. “What? Why?”

She pushed her glasses up on her nose. “I thought it would be best. I really appreciate you letting us live here the last few months though.”

“You don’t have to move.”

No. Don’t move. Don’t leave. Please…

She gave a tiny shake of her head. “Yeah. We do. Anyway, I thought I should let you know. Thanks again.” Her mouth tightened, and she pushed her hair back. “Bye, Nick.”

She turned and hurtled back to the coach house as if one of those big dogs she was afraid of was snarling and snapping at her heels.

He slumped against the wall, leaning his head back, closing his eyes. His jaw locked. He pulled in air through his burning esophagus, the burn spreading to his gut like wildfire.

Shit.

He felt like his heart was incinerating in his chest. Everything caving in.

He’d tried his best not to think about Jodie for the last week. All he’d thought about was hockey.

Except he hadn’t been able to control his dreams. He’d dreamt about her every night…sexy dreams that left him hard and hurting. Sweet dreams that made him ache. Scary dreams, about trying to save her from something and not being able to, that made him sweat.

Now he didn’t have hockey to distract him.

And she was leaving in less than two weeks.

He covered his face with his hands as a knife turned slowly in his gut.

Then he gave his head a hard shake and shoved himself away from the wall. What the hell was wrong with him? He was the one who’d ended things. He was getting his freedom back—no more tenants, no more crying toddler, no more chatter.

No more laughing together, no more goofy hockey, no more cuddling on the couch. No more hot, sweet, heart-stopping, soul-burning sex.

He exhaled a sharp breath.

Where were they moving to? It had better be somewhere safe, with no creepy landlord or sketchy neighbors.

His front doorbell rang.

His heart leaped, then dove.

Hallsy. He’d said he’d come by and help him move the sideboard from the garage to the house now it was all done.

He opened the door to find Hallsy and Kendra. “Hey.”

Kendra gave him a long, cool look. Shit.

He’d seen her briefly at the games. He’d kind of sensed her displeasure with him, but he hadn’t really talked to her.

“Hey, man.” Hallsy stepped in. “How’s it going?”

“Okay.”

“I’m going to go see Jodie,” Kendra said, sweeping past him, chin in the air.

He and Hallsy followed her, stopping in the kitchen.

“She’s pissed, isn’t she?” Nick rubbed his face.

“Yeah.”

“I didn’t mean for things to get messed up.”

“I know. She’s just hurting for Jodie.”

“Jodie’s fine. She’s moving out at the end of the month.”

“She’s not fine.”

“What?” He frowned at Hallsy.

“She’s not fine. She’s fucked up.”

Nick squinted. “What are you talking about?”

“Never mind.” He studied Nick. “You look kinda fucked up too.”

“We just lost our chance at the Cup. Of course I’m fucked up.”

“Nah. That’s not it.” Hallsy folded his arms across his chest, his jaw set. “Is this still about Aleks?”

Nick shook his head. “No. I mean, not really. I was playing for him…I know he would’ve wanted us to go all the way.”

“He also knew you can’t win ’em all.”

“Yeah. He did.”

“So this is about Jodie.”

Nick opened his mouth to deny it but couldn’t get the words out. His breath tightened in his chest as he tried to speak. “Is she really upset about this?”

“Look, I’m not gonna be all junior high here. You want to know how she feels? Ask her. If you want to talk about how you’re dealing with it, I’m here.”

Nick leaned his elbows on the island and looked down, his belly muscles rigid. “I didn’t realize how much I’d miss her.”

“You miss her, huh?”

“Yeah. Fuck me.” He shook his head, still bent. “I had to end things. She’s an amazing person…a great mother. Scary smart. Funny. She and Zyana both deserve someone who can protect them and care for them.”

“And you can’t?”

“You know what happened when I looked after Zyana. And you know what happened with Aleks. I wasn’t there for him when he needed me most.”

“You’ve gotta fucking forgive yourself for that,” Hallsy ground out. “You’re never going to move on with your life if you don’t.”

“Maybe I don’t want to move on.” He lifted his head to glare at Hallsy, his voice growing louder. “Maybe this is how I’m supposed to live my life…alone.”

“You said you miss her. That means you don’t want to be alone.”

“I do.” But Nick froze. He did. Didn’t he? Yeah, he missed her, but that didn’t mean…fuck. Pressure built inside him, his mind churning. He missed her.

He was so fucking fucked.

He wanted her in his life. He didn’t want to be alone anymore, after experiencing how she’d changed his life. How she’d brought laughter and love, fun and friendship. Intimacy. Maybe he had been lonely before…and just never realized it. Because now, life without her seemed…unbearable. Intolerable. Unendurable.

But he couldn’t have her. Red-hot pain sizzled through him.

“That’s bullshit, man.” Hallsy shook his head. “Come on. You were the one telling me Ariana would want me to be happy.”

“That’s different.” He was nearly shouting again, his voice shaking. “You deserved to be happy again. You sacrificed your career for Ariana. You looked after her.” He paused to draw in a painful breath. “I don’t deserve it!”

Hallsy stared at him. “I don’t know what else to say to convince you that you do. Other than…shit, I wasn’t going to tell you this…”

“What?”

He hesitated. “Jodie’s in love with you.”

Nick’s head snapped up.

Hallsy groaned. “I shouldn’t be saying this. She’d kill me if she knew I told you. But come on, man…she must see something worthwhile in you, to have fallen in love with you. She trusted you with her daughter…who’s everything to her. She doesn’t blame you for what happened.”

“She should.”

Hallsy shook his head. “Get over yourself, for fuck’s sake. It sounds like you care about her too. Are you too much of a raisin sack to even give it a shot?”

Coward.

Jodie’s word reverberated in his head.

Now Hallsy was telling him he was a coward too, in slightly more colorful language.

“You told me there are no guarantees in life. Maybe things won’t work out with you and Jodie. But if we’ve learned nothing else from what we’ve been through, haven’t we learned what’s really important?”

Nick inhaled slowly, his lungs burning.

“The Stanley Cup doesn’t even really matter,” Hallsy said. “Yeah, we’re disappointed. But if I had to choose between it and Kendra, it’s no contest.” He held the edge of the island and leaned forward. “We’re here. We’re alive. We have to make the best of this life.”

He had told Hallsy that, when he was trying to get him to see that he needed to move on with his life.

“You avoid relationships.” Hallsy narrowed his eyes at him. “You avoid people and getting close to them. You think you’re trying to protect yourself. Maybe for once you should stop thinking about yourself and think about somebody else.”