Chapter 25

Nick felt like his buddy had just punched him in the throat. He couldn’t breathe. Heat flashed through his body and all he could hear was a thundering in his ears.

Jesus.

He bent his head, gripping the island.

“Sorry,” Hallsy said quietly. “That was brutally honest. I’m not trying to bust your balls. I did the same thing, remember? I was so focused on my own guilt and anxiety, I didn’t think about Kendra, and how she was feeling. I hurt her. I thought I’d lost her because I was an asshole.”

Nick’s breathing returned, but his heart still thumped. He couldn’t look at his friend.

Yeah, he’d been honest. And yeah, it was painful. Because, goddammit, the saying was true…the truth hurt.

The truth will set you free. But first it will piss you off.

He remembered one of his coaches saying that. The guy had pulled no punches when it came to giving feedback, but it had always been with the intention of making his players better.

Nick lifted his head and peered at Hallsy. His buddy met his eyes with a steady gaze.

“What did you do? To make it right with Kendra.”

“I was honest with her,” Hallsy said simply. “I told her how I felt.”

It sounded simple. But that had to be the most terrifying thing of all. Nick pulled in a few steadying breaths, then said, “Let’s get that sideboard.”

---

After Hallsy and Kendra left, Nick sat on a stool at his kitchen island.

He knew he had some thinking to do. This time he didn’t want tequila. He wanted his mind clear.

He needed to figure out what the hell he was doing with his life. Hallsy’s blunt words had struck right at his heart, along with Jodie calling him a coward.

Maybe he was a coward.

Tell her how you feel.

Sure. He could do that. Except…how did he feel?

He’d never felt like this before. He’d had girlfriends in the past…in high school and college. Girls were always happy to date hockey players, and he was happy to take advantage of that. But it was always going through the motions for him. He had fun. He liked sex. He liked having a pretty girlfriend. But he’d never fallen in love.

He’d accepted that he never would and that was okay. He wasn’t meant to fall in love.

He knew what love felt like—he’d loved his family, especially Aleks. But that felt nothing like this.

Oh, there were some similarities—caring about someone else, wanting to help them and look after them. Enjoying their company.

But he’d never felt this intense…need. A need to be with Jodie. To see her and talk to her and hear about her day. A need to protect her and take care of her. A need to make sure she had everything in the world she wanted, to make sure that she was happy every day of her life.

Yeah, he knew that wasn’t even possible, but still…that was how he felt.

On top of that, there was the physical need…the powerful need to touch her, to have her close to him, to be inside her, make her feel good.

Was that what love was?

Whatever this feeling was, it scared the hell out of him. It made panic buzz at the back of his brain. It made his heart go into a scary arrhythmia. It made his blood race fast and hot.

Hallsy’d said Jodie was in love with him.

His chest tightened to the point of not being able to breathe.

And to top all that off…Zyana. That cute little minx had somehow charmed her way into his heart along with her mother, making him feel that strange protective urge, that desire for her to be happy and safe forever.

The life he’d wanted—quiet, solitary, safe—now seemed empty, lonely, and sad. Jodie lived a life that was full and bright and alive. Full of love. Love for her daughter. For her friends. And maybe even…for him.

He looked around his big empty house. He loved this house. But when he stepped into the coach house, it felt like home. Home was love, acceptance, and yeah, tantrums and sick kids and frustration and anger. But also somewhere you belonged. It was family.

She made him wish for that…a different kind of life than he’d envisioned. Except, maybe that was what he’d really wanted all along. He’d thought that when he had enough money to buy a nice house in a nice neighborhood, he’d have the home he’d never really had as a kid. But a home is more than that. It’s the people in your life. A house is just a place—it’s the people you cared about that make it a home.

His mom and dad hadn’t been the best parents, but they’d done what they could, and there’d never been any question that they loved their sons…enough to let him go live with someone else so he could fulfill his dreams and have a better future.

How hard had that been for them?

That was love. Sacrifice. Selflessness. No expectation of anything in return.

He closed his eyes and pulled in a long, slow breath through his nose.

Yeah. He was falling for Jodie…if not already there. He’d been miserable since the day he’d ended things with her, distracting himself from the pain in his chest by focusing on hockey. Then he’d been distracted by the disappointment of losing. Truth? Missing Jodie hurt way more than losing.

Fucked. He was truly fucked.

He’d found a woman who saw more than his gruff exterior. He’d found a woman he admired, who he lusted after not only for her sexy body but for her heart and her mind. And he’d blown it.

A sense of despair flooded him, and he leaned on the island, head in his hands. Shit.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, wallowing in misery, his head full of rambling, disjointed thoughts.

Then he remembered Coach talking to them after they’d lost the other day. Failure doesn’t mean the game is over. It means try again…with experience. We’ll be back next year…to try again. And we’ll have this experience to make us stronger.

He lifted his head and stared blindly across the kitchen. Cautious hope ballooned inside him, shivering and warm.

Okay, he’d screwed up, but that didn’t mean the game was over. He could try again.

He was no coward. He could do this. If Hallsy could go lay his beating heart in front of Kendra for her to potentially stomp on…he could do it too.

He wasn’t going to rush over there though. He needed a plan. He rubbed his face, then huffed out a laugh. The first thing he had to do was get rid of this butt ugly “face fur” that Jodie (and Zyana) didn’t like.

---

Zyana was in bed. The house was quiet. Jodie wandered around the main floor, studying the open space. A little over a week and they’d be gone. She eyed the boxes piled in the corner of her “office”; she’d already started packing.

She was going to miss this little house.

She was going to miss Nick. Her heart contracted painfully.

She squeezed her eyes closed against the tears that threatened. She already missed him. And so did Zyana. It broke her heart even more when Zyana talked about him and asked when he was coming over.

Earlier, when she’d gone over to tell him they were moving out, she’d been shaking so hard she almost couldn’t walk or talk. She hadn’t even admitted to herself how much she’d hoped he would say something…anything…that would give them another chance. That he’d beg them to stay. Yeah, she was crazy. Disappointment had lodged in her throat as she’d walked back to the coach house, tears sliding down her cheeks.

Leaving would mean things were really over between them.

She picked up an empty box and carried it over to the bookcase to start packing some of her books. She sat cross-legged on the floor and began setting books in the box. Her nose stung, and she pulled in a long, slow breath, fighting more tears. She almost didn’t hear the soft knock on the door.

Jodie cocked her head. Had she imagined that? She slowly rose and crossed to the door. Nick stood outside.

Her heart skittered and raced, and her palms dampened. What was he doing here? Returning more stuff they’d left at his place?

She opened the door. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

“You shaved.”

“Yeah.” He lifted a hand and rubbed his jaw. “Playoffs are over for us.”

He’d had that unkempt beard for so many weeks, she’d almost forgotten what he looked like without it—his high cheekbones and strong jaw and beautiful mouth. She wanted to trace her fingers over his smooth skin…over his lips…

“Can I come in?”

“Oh. Yeah.” She was all distracted by his face. She stepped aside, rubbing her damp palms on her jeans.

He carried in a box and set it on the island.

“Did we leave more things at your place?” She followed him.

“No. I brought this for you.” He hesitated. “But could we talk for a few minutes before I give it to you?”

“Sure.” Her heart bumped, and she swallowed but gestured to the couch. She followed him there and picked up a cushion to hold as she sat too. She thought her heart might explode, it raced so fast.

He raked a hand through his hair, which had also been cut, back to his short style with neat sideburns. His knee was bouncing like a jackhammer.

She eyed him curiously. “Is something wrong?”

“No.” He cleared his throat. “I mean, yes.”

Her eyebrows pulled together. She rubbed the cushion nervously.

“I didn’t want a family.”

She gazed at him, her heartbeat hammering in her throat.

“I thought I was better off without a family. That way I wouldn’t let anyone down and I didn’t need to worry about losing them.”

Her insides tightened even more.

“I was happy being alone. I like working around my house, refinishing my furniture. I like hanging out with the guys sometimes, but I don’t mind staying home.”

“I know.”

“But somehow that changed.” He held her gaze steadily. “When I met you.”

Her chest squeezed, and her breath stuck in her throat.

“My house seems empty without you. And Zyana.” The corners of his mouth lifted briefly. “Another lie I told myself…that I hate kids.”

She dragged in a shaky breath and gripped the cushion.

“I was alone,” he continued. “But I didn’t feel lonely. Until I didn’t have you anymore.”

She stared at him, her mind paralyzed, terrified to think about where he was going with this.

“I thought I didn’t want a family. But…” He bowed his head. “I think all along, that was all that I wanted. Someone to love me. Someone to love.” He lifted his head, his eyes dark and serious. “I’m in love with you, Jodie.”

She let out a strange sound that was part sob, part whimper, afraid to believe in what he was saying.

“You made me want a different life. I love how you go for what you want. Having a baby. Starting a business. Moving to Chicago. You’re the bravest person I know.”

She slowly moved her head from side to side. Her heart landed in her throat, and she had to fight to be able to speak. “I think you’re brave.”

“You called me a coward.”

“Okay, yeah.” She bit her lip. “You can be both.”

He blew out a chuckle.

“Really. You’ve lost your parents and your brother. You’re so brave about it. I know how hard it is for you. But you keep going. You keep playing. You do that work with CMHA to help other people. I think that takes courage. But…” She tilted her head. “I did think you were a coward when it came to love.”

“You were right. Hallsy told me that too. So I thought about it, and I have to admit it’s true. That’s why I’m here.” He clasped his hands together, elbows on his knees. “I’m trying to be brave enough to tell you I love you…I love your heart. I love how much you love your daughter. That kind of love…it’s beautiful. I love your patience with her. Your kindness. Your unselfishness. I love how smart you are, even though it kind of scares me.”

Her trembling lips curved.

His eyes dropped there. “I’m fascinated with your mouth. It’s so fucking hot…I love the way it looks. I love the way you taste. I love what you can do with that mouth.”

Her lips quirked, and her belly did a flip.

“And weirdly enough, I love the stuff that comes out of your mouth.”

“I talk a lot.”

“I know. But Jesus, you make me laugh. You make me think. You make me feel good…like I might even deserve someone like you.”

“Oh.” Her breath whooshed out, her belly heating.

“You make me feel things I’d forgotten. Caring for someone else more than anything. Protective. And…you made me have fun. I’d forgotten how to have fun.”

She set her fingers over her mouth, pressure building behind her eyes and in her chest. “Nick.”

“This afternoon when I was thinking about stuff, I remembered something Coach said after we lost. Just because we lost doesn’t mean the game’s over…well, the game was over, yeah, but he was talking about ‘the game,’ which is sort of a metaphor, I think. Anyway, he said we can try again, with experience. And I hoped maybe I…we…could try again.”

He gazed at her with a hopeful, humble light in his eyes.

She sucked her trembling bottom lip and blinked her stinging eyes. “Oh.”

“I brought you this.” He stood and walked over to the island. He opened the box and reached in, lifting something that appeared to be heavy. He turned, and she saw the elephants in his hands…the Garbini sculpture they’d seen that day they’d been antiquing. She set her hand over her mouth, her heart leaping into overdrive.

“I know why you love elephants. You and Zyana. I was reading more about them. How smart they are. How sensitive and empathetic. How they have strong family bonds and stick together.” He held up the sculpture of the elephants with their trunks intertwined. “This is love.”

He walked over and set it on the coffee table.

She didn’t know what to say. Her heart was exploding in rapid beats, stealing her breath.

“I’m so sorry it took me this long to figure out what the hell I’m feeling. I’ve never felt like this before.”

Neither have I. She stared at him, her hand on her throat. She wanted to tell him how she felt…how much she loved him and missed him and how much his humility and remorse and bravery touched her. But she was so afraid to believe what he was saying. He’d been definite that he didn’t want a family. Not that he was proposing marriage now, but he’d ended things between them…and that still hurt like a motherfucker.

His gaze dropped and he shoved his hands into his pockets, shoulders hunched. “I don’t deserve it. I know that. I fucked up. I’m sorry again.” He met her eyes once more. “I do love you, Jodie. And…I love Zyana too.”

Oh God. Her throat ached, and that pressure behind her eyes increased. Her mouth trembled. She knew if she tried to talk, she’d cry.

“I’m so sorry for what happened with her ear. I understand if you can’t forgive me for that. I feel like shit that I couldn’t look after her better.” He paused. “I’ll just…go.” He turned and trudged to the door.

She watched him go, agony slicing through her like burning knives, paralyzing her. “Nick!” His name emerged as a croak.

He heard it though, stopping and turning.

“I…need some time.”

He gave her a long look, then a short nod. And he left.