LANA
I don’t know what the hell I’m thinking. Every day in this situation is like torture. I’m trying to stay professional but every time I have to tend to Joseph, my heart pounds like a drum. Every inch of him is perfection, except of course the part of him that’s injured. Seeing him wince at my touch breaks my heart. Even though I know he’s improving because of my care, it’s so damn hard to be the one pushing him through pain for his own good. Then there’s Michael. I reach up and touch my lips. We kissed and it was amazing. Spine tingling, hair standing on end amazing, but he’s my boss and it was such a huge mistake I can hardly look at him.
I’m trying to hold it together and be professional.
I’m trying to keep my distance from them both but it’s so hard.
I just have to see them and my mind drifts into day dreams about their arms around me, their lips on my neck. I’m so confused because sometimes my fantasies feature Michael and sometimes Joseph. It’s been so long since I felt this way about a man, and now I feel it about two at the same time. And if that weren’t bad enough, they are brothers. I remember how Joseph sounded when he suspected that something had happened between me and Michael. There was raw jealousy there. I remember how it felt to feel Michael’s passion and I flush hot. I know they’re both attracted to me. For whatever reason, they’ve got it into their heads that I’m available but that is exactly what I’m not.
I can’t be a nurse to Joseph and give into my feelings.
I can’t be a good employee to Michael and allow a repeat performance of what happened in the kitchen.
I can’t be a good mom to Olivia and risk my job here.
I can’t be kind to myself to allow airtime to all of these mixed up feelings and desires.
Oh, the desires. I’m so hot between my legs whenever I’m near either of the Wright brothers. Thinking about the size of Joseph’s…I blush just thinking about it. Some men seem to get blessed a whole lot more than others. I’m a mom and I feel awful thinking this way. It’s like when I had Olivia, and things fell apart with Javier, I put away my womanly feelings and I can’t seem to accept that they might be coming back.
Then I see the way they are with Olivia and my heart breaks that they treat her with more care than her own father. My baby girl deserves so much in this life and I’m willing to make the sacrifices to help her along the way. If that means pushing away all feelings for the Wright brothers and forcing myself to keep my head on straight, then that what I have to do.
The day of Joseph's surgery is here, and I’m nervous. More nervous than I should be about a patient. I know this means I care too much and I don’t like it.
"Good luck," I call out to him anyway, my hand rising in a small wave as he and Michael head out to the elevator on the way to his surgery. I know he’s in the best of hands but it won’t stop me fretting.
It's the first time Olivia and I have been left in the penthouse alone like this, and I easily fall into the sofa in our makeshift apartment, completely drained. All this having to keep up my professional demeanor, pushing away thoughts of Michael and Joseph…it’s wearing me out.
It'll be nice to have a break from everything today, and I smile over at Olivia as she comes into the living room, carrying a book with her. I peek over and see the cover of 'Edgar Allan Poe's complete Life Collection."
"Hey, honey," I say to her quietly, instantly comforted by the closeness of her as she sidles up next to me, propping the book open in her lap. The scent of her strawberry shampoo wafts past me, taking me back to years ago when her hair was finally long enough to use real shampoo on it.
"Hey," she mumbles back, completely lost in her book.
Catching her with books way out of her grade level isn’t a surprise whatsoever, but it does remind me of something Joseph brought up last week.
"Livi? Joseph was telling me that you were learning trigonometry? How come you didn't tell me?"
My daughter, ever the patient one, places her butterfly bookmark back in the book, closing it before staring straight ahead, her cheeks flushed. Clearly, this was not something she thought I knew about.
"Don't worry, Mom. I'm still doing all my homework from school."
"Oh, I know that honey. I'm just… surprised, I guess. I'm glad you're keeping on top of things. But are you finding school boring? Like maybe there isn’t enough going on for you, to keep your interest?"
I hold my breath as she finally turns to me. "It's not boring. But…"
"But what?"
She fidgets with the book in her lap before finally continuing on, "Well, sometimes some of the teachers keep going on and on about stuff I already know. And I know why they do it because none of the other kids know it, so they have to learn too. I know that, but when I brought my notebook to Mrs. Stockton to show her that math problem I found on YouTube…I don't know, I think it made her mad or something. She kept saying I couldn't jump ahead of everybody. That's why I stopped asking her about the harder math problems. It made her mad, and I don't think…" she pauses for a moment, her dark eyes widening. "I don't think Mrs. Stockton is very smart," she finally whispers.
Something surges in my chest. Part of its anger that her teacher couldn't offer her more resources, or even more of her time to help Olivia, considering how patient she was already being knowing everything she knew. But then again, her teacher wasn't teaching strictly for Olivia. I swallow hard. "I'm sorry they're not challenging you enough, baby. I wish there was something more I could do but…well, at least you're trying to push yourself to learn more.” I watch the way she hangs on my every word, ruffling her hair to lighten the mood.
As smart as my baby girl is, she’s still just that, my baby. And sometimes even I'm surprised to find that she still wants me to comfort her. I'm not sure I can keep up with her and her school work though, and I can just see it causing problems down the road.
Michael's offer for her private schooling floats back into my mind, teasing at me. Part of me knows I’m being prideful to turn down an offer like that, especially since this is my daughter I'm talking about and not me. It would be one thing to refuse education for myself, but I would do anything to get Olivia where she should be in life, as blessed as I am to have her to begin with. It’s also because I'm worried the offer comes with strings attached and those are strings I can’t risk getting tangled up in.
A few minutes pass, Olivia keeping quiet as I consider what to do.
"Is Joseph going to be okay?" Her small voice rises above the silence and is overflowing with concern.
I pull her to me until her head is laying on my chest, and run my hands through her long shiny dark hair. "Of course he will, baby." But I sigh. It's just another sign. Olivia cares so deeply about people which is a good thing, yes, but there's still that underlying feeling I’m getting that she's becoming too attached. "Olivia, you do understand that Michael and Joseph are my employers, right?"
She sits up abruptly, her eyes narrowing at me. "Yes, of course I do. I know that Michael and Joseph aren’t my new dads or anything, Mom." Her voice is level, but I can tell she's frustrated that I even brought it up to begin with. "Have you heard from my dad?"
My chest tightens as I try to keep calm. "No, I haven't," I smoothly lie. In all honesty, I had blocked the number right after he tried to call me and threaten me the first time around.
I hate the way Olivia's face crumbles slowly, and as she asks me if she can watch something on her tablet, I fight the urge to pull her back into a hug. "Yes, go ahead."
My stomach clenches with all the worry I have. Children need a male influence in their life, ideally from their fathers but Olivia’s dad, well he’s the kind of man you want to run away from, not cuddle up to at bedtime for cocoa and stories. Maybe her attachment to Joseph and Michael is developing so fast because of what she’s missing with Javier?
I know I’m doing the right thing keeping him away but I hope the effect on Olivia won’t be too lasting.
--
The elevator dings loudly, and I hold the door open as Michael accompanies the medical staff from the hospital as they push Joseph in into the penthouse, quietly closing it behind us. It's clear that Joseph is still out of it, his eyes closed and face peaceful.
"How did everything go?" I ask Michael.
He nods, not quite meeting my eyes. "Everything went smoothly, at least according to the surgeon."
"There you are," Joseph suddenly exclaims, his eyes unfocused as he stares up at me, a goofy grin on his face. "I was asking where you went."
I suppress a smile on my face, nodding at Michael and gesturing for him to lead the way into Joseph's bedroom in the back.
It takes a few minutes to lift Joseph up onto his bed, then the medical transport team leave and Michael accompanies them to the door. I’m left alone with Joseph and with all the crazy nonsense spouting from his mouth, I'm glad Olivia is in her room, probably still reading that book.
"And some... TV. Some porn. I need something to drink. And my mouth is dry... Lana, I need some water. Or some beer. Probably some beer. Michael's got a good pale ale 'round here," Joseph mumbles incoherently, brushing away at something on his face. He groans as he pulls something, clearly uncomfortable.
Michael comes back and he’s clearly more amused than concerned.
Even with all the awkward tension between us, I can't help but look over Joseph's head at him, fighting the laugh that's building up inside.
"You, angel you," Joseph says, louder than before. "You're like that famous nurse, you know her? She's like a bird, all right? Got me fighting that itch, Lana." He shakes his head almost resignedly.
This time I do laugh, the giggle sputtering out of me before I can hold it in. An amused smile crosses Michael's face but something twitches in his eye, and a moment later he's mumbling something about having to go catch up on some work, quickly exiting stage right and leaving me and his brother alone.
I know it's just Joseph being drugged out of his mind and rightfully so, but when I start to leave after his brother and Joseph reaches out to catch my wrist in his hand, it sends chills up my spine. "Can you just stay in here with me?" he asks, sounding sincere. His voice is rough, the anesthesia still wearing off, but it still manages to pull at me deep down.
Eyeing the chair next to him, I shrug and smile, pulling it up beside his bed. "Sure."
It takes a few minutes for him to stop babbling so much, and I let him hold my hand the whole time, Joseph slipping in and out of consciousness as the drugs finally pull him under, his breathing heavy. Just as I think he's fully asleep, his eyes flutter open, the dark lashes pulling me in. "You're so amazing," he whispers loudly. His throat is raw with how coarse he sounds, but he goes on. "If I wasn't in this bed… I'd show you a thing…believe me."
I play it off, rolling my eyes at him. "Oh, I'm sure." I haven't seen this extremely flirty side of him very much, probably because of the circumstances. I can’t say that I’m complaining either, the way his sleepy smile is directed only at me.
"Thank you for staying," he adds. "It's kind of like my mom. She used to hang around when I would be scared to go to bed at night when I was really little. Even smaller than Olivia. She would really like you, you know? That would've been nice if you could've met her."
I'm taken aback by the vulnerability in Joseph's voice, and it softens everything inside of me, making me wish it were true, too. I know it's just the drugs talking in him, but it's nice to see that he's not always so rough around the edges and that he’s able to expose his vulnerability.
"I wish I could've met her. I bet she was a lovely woman. She raised two good men."
The heavy breathing picks back up as his eyes flutter close again, this time asleep for real. I wait until the light filtering in through the blinds of his windows darkens, before finally letting go of his hand and straightening myself back up. I stand for a while and watch him sleep, taking in the boyishness about the way he looks in sleep. My fingers itch to brush over his forehead, to caress his cheek. I feel a tenderness in my heart that is more than just long term care attachment. It doesn’t matter that I’ve tried so hard to keep things professional, my heart doesn’t seem to care.
He's home and he’s okay and the relief is overwhelming. Now I’ve just got to hope that his recovery is swift and then I can finally tear myself away from Joseph and Michael for good before my heart is lost for good.