Chapter Eighteen
Jace
I woke up tangled in the sheets. I dreamt of Daphne that night — and every night for the past two weeks. I still couldn't believe that I had the strength to walk away from her. Maybe I was still filled with the Holy Spirit, after all.
I didn't feel as guilty about my dreams since I couldn’t control those if I tried. I’m hoping that the satisfaction of being with her for those six or eight hours every night would be enough to keep me on the straight and narrow throughout the day.
In my dreams, we make love. I can feel her sweet lips on my neck and along the line of my jaw. If I close my eyes, even when awake, I can feel that first thrust. I made myself open my eyes again, but the longing and the ache in my core were still there. It made me both frustrated and giddy at the same time. I closed my eyes again…one more time before I got up.
I revisit the dream, replaying the memory of how her nipples felt between my fingers and tasted between my lips. I felt myself growing hard, but I resisted touching; instead, I just lay there with the image of her in my mind, and it was sinful, blissful, torture.
I opened my eyes once more. My body was heavy with want and the hunger for her ran deep. Untangling myself from the sheets, I did what I’d done every day for the past two weeks. I headed for the shower, turned the water on cold, and climbed in. This was both a temporary cure for my body’s lustful responses and a punishment for allowing myself to dwell on it during my waking hours when I am supposed to have control. I couldn't help but wonder if she dreamt about me, too. Are we really together in our dreams?
I stepped out of the shower, and as I dried off, I tried to refocus my thoughts. I was having coffee with Lily that day. I figured it should be fun, catching up. Once again, my thoughts returned to Daphne and the way I felt about her. I had never felt that strongly for Lily, and she knew it. I loved her, but I was happy with it being a platonic kind of love. What I felt for Daphne couldn’t be classified as anything other than a pure, raging inferno of lust.
I dressed and drove to the coffee shop where I found Lily waiting for me. She looked really pretty in a pair of blue jeans and a sleeveless red blouse. I could tell that she must work out quite a bit to keep herself in shape.
It was actually something we used to do together, a million years ago. Weightlifting and running were my two biggest passions besides my faith growing up. The weightlifting was a stress reliever for me; it still is. I don’t do it because I’m worried about what my body looks like. I do it because of the way it makes me feel. I didn't run as often as I used to. It always worked to clear my head when I needed it back in the day.
When Lily saw me, she smiled and stood up. “Hello again; I was really glad you called,” she said.
“Me, too,” I told her, giving her a kiss on the cheek. “I was surprised, but pleased to see you in church last week.” We sat down and ordered our coffees.
While we waited she said, “You used to talk about becoming a priest. I secretly hated it when you did that.” She smiled, but I’m sure she meant what she said.
“I’m sorry; I really am sorry for everything. I think by the time you broke up with me I had already made up my mind. But I didn’t know how to come right out and tell you, so I beat around the bush a lot.”
She smiled again. “I know, and now I understand. Back then, we were just so young. I was angry because it was unfathomable to me. The thought of promising yourself to the church and never having a family…”
The waitress sat Lily’s coffee down in front of her and then mine. When she was gone, I said, “I always knew how important that was to you, having a family. Why haven’t you married? Are you still looking for Mr. Right?”
“I thought I found him…once.” I wasn’t sure if she was talking about me or not. Then she said, “I was married for about five minutes. I married a marine. I met him about six months after you and I broke up.
“His name was Garrett, and I’m pretty sure he was my soulmate. We loved all of the same things, and we both wanted the same kind of future. We got married and were only together for about three months when he got deployed to Afghanistan. He was killed a month later by an IED.”
“Oh, Lily, I’m so sorry.” My heart hurt for her. She had tears in her eyes even then, just talking about it.
She nodded and brushed a stray tear away. “I’m sorry. I still miss him. I was so angry when it first happened. I spent months locked in our home, reliving the memories I had of him and railing at God. I refused to go to church, and I even told my mother I was denouncing the church and my faith at one point.”
I couldn’t help but smile. Her mother was one of the most religious women I’d ever known. It wasn’t hard for me to imagine how she reacted to that. “I’ll bet that didn’t go over well.”
She smiled, too, and said, “Not even a little bit. She told me I was being selfish. Garrett had died for his God and his country, and now that he was gone, I was wasting my life feeling sorry for myself. She told me how God had a plan for me and although it was okay to grieve, I also needed to understand that God had a plan for my life and it wasn’t for me to question it.”
“That is a hard thing to grasp,” I said, honestly. “I lost my Grandmother recently and I felt the same way.”
“Oh no! I’m so sorry to hear that. She was everything to you and your brothers. That had to be so hard.”
“It was, and I didn’t take it very well, at all.” I wasn’t going to tell her about the drinking and Daphne, but it was at least nice to be able to talk about the grief out loud.
“As a priest, it should have been easy for me. I should have been rejoicing that she’d gone home and appreciating the fact that we were allowed to have her at all. Instead, I was angry and looking for ways to act out.”
She grinned. “Exactly how does a priest act out? Did you skip your prayers? Throw your rosary beads?”
I laughed. “You guessed it,” I said. “So, let’s change the subject to something less depressing. I’m guessing from the card you gave me that you’re a hairdresser.”
“Yes. I’ve always loved to do hair. After Garrett died, I thought about going back to school, but I love doing what I do. I like making other people feel pretty, and I like creating designs. Having a pair of scissors in my hand is cathartic. What about you? Do you ever regret your choice?”
I thought about Daphne again. I never had, before I met her. Since then, I did at least once a day, and that in itself is a sin.
“No,” I lied. Another sin. “I love what I do. It fulfills me.” Most of the time, that was true.
“Good. I’m really glad you’re happy, Jace. I never stopped thinking and wondering about you.”
“I am, and I never stopped thinking about you, either. I knew I couldn’t make you happy, but I hoped that someone did.”
She smiled. “Garrett made me happy, but do you want to know a secret?”
“What’s that?”
“I’ve learned over the past few years that the only real way to be happy is through myself. Other people can perpetuate your happiness, but you have to take charge of your own life and live it well.”
“You’re very wise,” I told her with a smile. “Hey! How do you feel about canoes?”
She laughed and said, “Honestly, I can take them or leave them.”
“How would you like to go on a canoe trip this weekend? It’s an annual thing that the church puts on. I still have room in my boat.”
“That actually sounds like fun. Sure, I’d like that.”
“Good, it’s a date.”