Ashley

I can’t believe that the boy sitting beside me is just nine years old. He looks like he’s pushing eleven or maybe even twelve. I had to do a double take at him, sure enough, he carried his father’s deep brown eyes along with that stern jaw. The corners of his lips were so stiff it made it look like he hadn’t smiled for days. Who could blame him though? I’m sure he was just as confused as to what’s been going on. As my eyes ventured up, I noticed that his hair was a few shades lighter than Blackjacks. Blackjack’s hair was jet black but I suppose with time, his son’s hair would darken down to his father’s shade unless he took after his mother. Speaking of which…

I never did ask Blackjack about her, or go into full detail of what happened, the only information I knew was just general gossip amongst the club and from word of mouth.

While I took my time staring at the boy beside me, Edd had the stupidest smile on his face as he watched the two of us. Finally, he gives out a low snort. “You can’t be telling me this is the first time you’ve seen the kid since you’ve been home”

I whip my head around to scowl him. “Believe it or not, I’ve been busy these past couple of weeks.”

Edd gave me a high brow expression. “I’m sure.”

Rolling my eyes, I finally focused back to Dex who began to close his book shut. I straighten myself back to the seat and slowly exhale. I honestly didn’t know what to say to the kid. Here he was before my eyes and never in my life did I think it was going to be this hard to say something like “hi”. Obviously, this was going to be awkward.

“Sorry about that, Dex.” I finally say, smiling sheepishly. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen you”

He nods, giving me a small grin which took me by surprise. “My, Miss Ashley. Never did I think I’d round these part’s again. Especially after your newspaper incident” The boy gestures with his bottle.

My lips broke into a laugh as I recalled the so-called incident that he’s talking about. “Hey. Now don’t you go blaming that on me. You, my little man decided to “help” me with my delivery that day. Instead of helping you grabbed ‘em and started throwing them every which way. You nearly pelted me!”

“That was an accident.” He’d insist, eyes going wide with embarrassment.

“Oh yeah? And what about the Murray cat?” I cock a brow with a knowing look.

Dex looked away, suddenly growing more interested in his root beer. “Whiskers was asking for it.” He mutters at the bottle before taking a swig.

Edd and I exchanged looks at one another and before we knew it, we were both laughing at the memory all together as if it happened just yesterday. The two of us were ripping our sides apart over our laughter while Dex could only shake his head at us like an adult looking over a couple of kids. Slowly, I gathered myself together with a slow shed of a tear, continuing to laugh.

“Murray never did let that one go.” Edd gave us both a toast as he drank from his own beer.

“You’re kidding me…” I scoffed, shaking my head “Murray hasn’t even let go of the fact that I hit his car when my tricycle didn’t brake. I was three years old, god that old man”

“The man doesn’t forgive or forget.” Dex agreed with a frown. “Well, unless you count the time Dad helped him with an oil change.”

“Your old man helped him with that?” Edd furrowed his bushy brows.

“Sure he did.” Dex smiled cheekily. “One morning, Murray just came up to our house with the most godawful smell coming from…”

As I watched him remember the story aloud, I realized that it was hard even for me to remember that Dex was Blackjack’s son. I felt like all that’s happened over the past few weeks is Blackjack making sure that I’m okay, checking up on me, us slowly catching up to where we used to be all those years ago. I was inconsiderate and didn’t once ask him about Dex.

I smoothed my hands down on my lap and listened to the two of them recount old Murray’s good spots. Every time Dex so much as laughed, it was like seeing a split image of his father all over again. You did well with him, Rob… I couldn’t help but think to myself, smiling fondly all the same. Dex’s eyes drew back over to where I sat silently, confusion spreading through his face.

“You alright, Miss. Monroe?” Dex asks suddenly.

I blinked at the question.

“Ms. Monroe?” Eddy cackled, “That’s new, ain’t it, Ash?”

Dex’s fair skin turned deep burgundy in embarrassment as the bartender filled the room with a thick laugh. I gave Edd a look before swatting him across the shoulder. He dodged at the swat and turned back to his counters with a chuckle. No one called me Miss. Monroe unless they were referring to my mother.

“Sure, I’m okay.” I look back to Dex, nodding pleasantly, “It’s just been a long day talking with my dad and all. You don’t have to call me Miss. Ashley or Miss. Monroe. Ash or Ashley is just fine, okay?”

“Sorry… Ashley.” Dex says slowly, adjusting to the name before changing the subject. “How is your father by the way?”

“My dad?” I tilt my head to the left, puzzled. “He’s doing alright, I suppose. Why do you ask?”

“No reason.” The boy shrugs, “He talks to me about you from time to time. Said he missed you a lot since you were gone.”

“Did he now?” I rest my head into my hand as my elbow lifts to the bar.

“Yeah…says I remind him a lot of you when you were my age.” He scratches the back of his neck. “I don’t know why though. Only thing I said at the time was how much I wanted to get my motorcycle license early even if Dad said I couldn’t. He keeps fighting me on it, but the day I turn sixteen I’ll be a biker!”

I could see Blackjack saying no to that. Even though he was aloof, there was no way he’d put his boy at risk out of getting an early start with a bike. It didn’t seem that long since I told Daddy I’d run away if he didn’t let me get a motorcycle license.

As I was thinking about it now, it made sense why he said no with me being the only person left in his life. Hm, I really did come across as a reckless child back then. I honestly thought that he was being sexist at the time when he forbade me from getting a license behind his back. Even now, he was still trying to control aspects of my life for my own good––always keeping in mind that I’m still his little girl. I guess I should’ve thought of that before I moved out of Montana to live with Harry. Perhaps even then I could’ve put an end to the loveless marriage before it had even started. It would have done me a lot better in life rather than looking to the closest way of getting out of the house.

I looked up at Dex and brought my hand up to his shoulder, giving it a small squeeze. His eyes found mine, almost startled at the gesture. “Don’t ever be in a rush to grow up.” I say softly, meaning every word. “That license is still going to be waiting for you at the end of the road. Your dad knows how much you mean to him so it’s only natural he’d want you to be safe rather than sorry.”

“Yeah, I know.” Dex nods, an understanding coming across his eyes. “We’ve got each other, and he’s always been looking out for me.”

“You probably know your father better than anyone.” I collected my hand back at my side, pulling a stray piece of hair behind my ear.

“Well, not anyone.” He raised his brows at me. “You seem like you know him pretty well.”

As he finished that sentence, I could feel my face grow heated as a deep blush ran from my cheeks to my ears. I averted my gaze to the bar counters, collecting myself nonchalantly. That’s right, Ashley. You’re dating his dad for crying out loud.

“So he told you all about that.” I let out a little nervous laugh.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him smile sheepishly before taking the last sip of his root beer. When the bottle came back down to the counter, he responded. “We tell each other everything for the most part. But you don’t have to worry.”

“Hm?” I look up at him suddenly.

“I think you’re good for him.” He assures me. “So you don’t need to be nervous around me––being his son and what not.”

“Was it that obvious?” I chuckle.

“Well…”

I gave him a look and snorted, “Small world.”

“Yeah.” He agrees.

“How’s your mother?” I finally ask, feeling my own breath grow still at the question.

A silence was pushed between us and I automatically felt myself regretting the question. I shouldn’t have asked Dex at all, it was dumb of me, if I had any questions about his mother I should have gone to one person – Blackjack. I hate it when my curiosity gets the best of me, even when I didn’t think to speak. However, Dex’s expression didn’t really change much at the question. He lifted up his shoulders with a light shrug just as Edd took his empty root beer bottle.

“Things aren’t good with Mom, so I guess it’s the same as usual.” Dex responds, looking up at Edd as the bartender replaces the bottle with a new one. “Thanks.”

“Anytime, kid.” The man smiles underneath his thick mustache before stepping out from the bar.

I watch Dex’s expression as another solemn wave hits his face. The smile he once had simply vanished into thin air and everything in his eyes felt like they were concentrated on his thoughts.

“I’m sorry, Dex.” I say slowly, “I feel terrible for… I didn’t know––”

“I guess Dad never told you much about her.” He cuts me off.

I shake my head without a word.

“My dad is a good guy, but I think you need to know about my mom” He insists, urgently looking back up at me.

My brows furrowed but I couldn’t hide my confusion. “I know that.” I say.

The boy nods carefully before sliding his hands behind his neck with a steep sigh. “Where should I start.”

“Wherever you feel comfortable.” I take his shoulder.

I couldn’t help but watch Dex with a pain in my heart as he explained his father in a way that Blackjack couldn’t. Unlike myself, Dex’s mother was still alive but still absent from much of his life. Everyone recognized her as a drop out from high school that was so burnt out, she’d probably never get back on her own two feet. At the time, Blackjack seemed like her only shot at life.

The rumors were that he’d been taking her to therapy and consultation groups for coping with addiction. He’d found out she was pregnant when I was in middle school – I think…It was then that everyone knew she was pregnant with Blackjack’s son––Dex. Those were some tough times for her given that she was still struggling with her own demons and afflictions. I was a kid, but I saw her – I knew exactly what was going on and dammit, she was still using when she was pregnant. It hurts my heart to know that was happening, I’d be damned if Dex ever found that out. Hell, maybe he already knows.

Blackjack had his wife sign away her parental rights after he found Dex alone in his cradle and her passed out in their living room on her third syringe. He and I never spoke too deeply into that. I had only heard of what happened through average clubhouse gossip.

“I can’t help her change.” He shakes his head, his eyes swallowing up the floor underneath him. “But she’s my mom and I still love her”

I listened to him, feeling his emotions build up with every word he said. “Dad won’t see her and if he does, it’s just screaming. Screaming and yelling.” Dex covers his mouth to close his eyes. “I can’t… I can’t…” His hand slides back down to his lap and he stares back out to the bar, the weight of his voice dropping low. “I don’t even think she loves me.”  

The stool underneath me screeched as I jumped off to pull the boy into my arms, squeezing him hard like my life depended on it. It broke my fucking heart. A boy, a child, should not be thinking things like this. His breath hitched, and I could feel his shoulders rise as he tenses at the sudden embrace. In that moment, I could only hold him.

I didn’t know and I didn’t think about it too much as I held him at the bar, hiding my face beyond his shoulder so that he wouldn’t catch me crying so hard. As the warm tears trailed down my cheeks, I had a swirl of thoughts that I could say to make it better––to make him feel better.

“Don’t say that.” I finally manage, but my voice betrayed me. “She loves you. She might not have the best way of showing it, but she does. Sometimes… adults aren’t as strong as you think after they’ve fought so hard for what they have.” I try to explain. “We need a light to help us out of the dark. If you’ve been in the dark for so long, could you really expect yourself to see the way you did before?”

I could feel him shake his head against my shoulder. “You won’t be alone in this, Dex.” I assure him while leaning back to wipe my eyes away.

“Didn’t you need to find my Dad?” He says, obviously changing the subject.  “He texted me earlier and told me he was at the old plot of land where the lake house used to be?”

“What?” I looked up at him, surprised. The boy pulled out his cellphone and scrolling through information within his messages, finally putting his thumb to a stop when he found what he was looking for. He showed me the screen where three sets of lines made up an address.

“Know where this is?” He asks.

I nod with a little smile pressing into the corners of my lips.

“Yeah, I know just where he might be…” Only, we never called it the lake house.