Ashley

“Does this make my––”

“Ashley, I swear to God…”

“––butt look big?

Blackjack had thought that taking me into Billings for a shopping spree was payback for my glorious win, only it wasn’t. It was a friend, asking another friend to take her into town, and well, Poor Blackjack.

I turned my back from the pedestal mirror to face Blackjack who just so happened to be idly sitting beside my collection of shoe choices. We had only stepped into Billings twenty minutes ago and he’s already sporting on that “get it over with” façade. His arms crossed over his chest, a slack look of interest amongst the mall-goers, and of course – picking the designated shoe spot where he could sit down while I browse like a kid in a candy shop.

I had picked a load of items to try on and surprisingly, there were moments where I caught his eyes flaring up like a lit candle when I tried on something just right. Within that assortment was a pair of Levi shorts, a lace cami that hugged my chest perfectly, and a little crop top hoodie that showed my midsection. As soon as he caught me wearing that, I couldn’t get his eyes off me until I swapped into a white tank with a pair of high waisted shorts.

“I’m only asking, jeez.” I roll my eyes at him while smoothing down the shorts.

“Honestly…” He shrugs his shoulders back, “You’ve gotten tinier since I last saw you. Your––butt…looks just fine.”

With a little smile, I give him a look before turning myself back around to give the mirror another look.

“I’m not that tiny.” I say aloud, running my eyes up and down my figure.

Blackjack shook his head in my reflection, “Harry’s been starving you for too long, Ash.”

“High and dry.” I muse without a second thought.

“Hm?”

When I realized what I just said, I turned my attention back to him and smiled.

“Don’t worry about it.”

He didn’t ask but I could tell by his expression that he was growing skeptical. No one needed to know that Harry and I only had sex once in a blue moon. For the couple of weeks that I was pregnant, he didn’t touch me. And any time before that, it was just me in that house until he disturbed the night in a drunken slur. He’d beat me, apologize, and then convince me we were going to be okay just so he could slip into bed with me. All those times I believed in him made me lose faith in myself. The insecurity that was piling up like dirty laundry just made me feel more insecure about myself.

I always asked myself if he was interested in my body at all or he was just looking for something prettier every time he drove back from the bar. As I started back to the changing room with the reflection of me waiting there, I realized that it didn’t matter. He could’ve been slamming into some whore and I didn’t care. It was all a lie.

“Those shorts really suit your legs...” Blackjack’s voiced outside.

I blinked in the mirror, startled that he caught me in my thoughts.

“You think so?”

The man coughed briefly before answering, “Sure. What are you hiding those legs for anyway?”

“From dirtbags that abuse their wives.” I replied with a scoff before shuffling out of the shorts.

Without a second thought, I dispensed them into the “Blackjack” pile.

“Shouldn’t stop a woman from wearing what she wants.” Blackjack chuckled.

I shook my head, “No, it shouldn’t. I’ll get them if you think they suit me so much.”

“Atta’girl.”

A couple of minutes passed between us while I folded the unwanted clothes into a neat pile by the chair. As for the remaining clothes, I draped them over my arm with their hangers attached. As I stepped out of the dressing room, Blackjack’s eyes removed themselves from his phone to find me.

“All done?” He asks.

“Hmm..” I gave it a thought before a wicked smile crosses my expression, “Maybe.”

His brow cocks as he stands up from his seat, collecting the three boxes of shoes I tried on before. The two of us walked ourselves up to the register where a young girl had been waiting for us. I settle all the goods on the top of the counter where she starts picking them off one by one with her scanner.

“Did anyone help you today with these purchases?” She asks.

I look up to her, discretely reading her name tag.

“It just so happens that this guy has been helping me all day, Jenny.” I give Blackjack a little nudge. He returns it with a brief eye roll.

“Lucky you!” She throws a little laugh before noticing Blackjack beside me.

Oh, there we go. I can see that little twinkle in her eye. It happens to every girl that gets an eyeful of him. Rob has always had that charm about him. Whether it was his height or just…his presence, no girl could resist that rough look.

Jenny had just dropped her eyes when Blackjack let his gaze wander across the rest of Billings. As she resumed packing my things in a paper bag, I let my own eyes take a brief glance up at him while he was distracted.

Before I knew it I was on a trip down memory lane. Why didn’t I just…take a shot with him when I was younger. A real shot. Sure, there was that big, nasty age difference between us but dammit. We could’ve been something real. There was a time when we almost crossed that line, then he left without so much as a goodbye. I waited for him to come back, he was supposed to come back home, and then he didn’t, so I left. I left the club, my family, my home.

I wonder if it would have been different if he stayed. If I wouldn’t have married Harry and moved away. I wonder if I would’ve been happy with Rob.

“And here you are.” Jen slides the bag across the counter to me. “That’ll be one hundred and eighty-four dollars and seventy-six cents.”

Ouch.

As I look down to grab my wallet, Blackjack put his hand on my wrist and shakes his head. I turn my attention back to him, but it was too late. He had his wallet out and already fishing through for his credit card. Wait..what?

Consider it a late benevolent birthday gift.” He assured me.

“Robert, put your wallet away.” I hissed at him.

“Not a chance.”

As I was frantically searching through my bag for signs of my wallet, Jen had already slid his card’s chip in the register and let it process. When I finally had my little navy wallet in my grasp, Blackjack had already slipped his card back into his wallet pocket.

“What was that about not being able to keep up, Monroe?” He teases with a little smirk.

“Unbelievable.” I shake my head before taking the bag in my arm. “You’re lucky you’re cute, Rob.”

“So I’ve been told.” He says with a glide of his fingers through his hair.

I let out a snort as the two of us start walking out of Billings and into the mall plaza. When it had become clear that the bag wouldn’t come over my arm as easily as I thought, Blackjack nudged my side.

“Give it here,” he insists.

“No way.” I pull the bag closer to me with a shake of my head, “I can take care of it.”

“I’m sure you can but…” He’d idly discontinue his words before I could realize his arm slipped under my elbow to steal the bag.

“Hey!”

Blackjack waves his hand off with disregard.

“I’d rather you not struggle, Ash”

“Tsk!”

I keep walking alongside him as we pass the bystanders of shoppers. I tried to ignore how small he made me feel in comparison to his large stature. He had that effect on me physically as well as emotionally. That confidence was something I never had––but that playful misdemeanor was something I couldn’t let him get away with.

“You’re fooling yourself if you think I’ll let you sweep me off my feet, darling.” I chide with a little smile.

Blackjack looks down at in bemusement.

“A woman like you doesn’t need anyone to help her off her own.”

“Some people wouldn’t agree.” I say, my smile faltering.

He shrugs the weight of his shoulders.

“Fuck what they say. You do you, as usual.”

“And what do you say?”

“To what?” He asks.

I look up at him, “To my marriage.”

At this point, I didn’t care what anyone thought but that changed when Blackjack’s point of view came to mind. He was a sincere guy with a well-defined constitution for ethics. As for what he thought of me, that also made me wonder.

“Your marriage is your business, Ash.” He says simply. “It makes little to no difference what I say on the matter.”

“I want to know either way.”

“Sure, you do. But does that change the way you think?”

That part stung a tad. I didn’t want anyone to think I was anywhere in love with Harry since I introduced him to the club. They probably thought I was proud for leaving them behind for a stranger they barely even knew. On top of that, he was now affiliated with the Bears – our sworn enemies.

“It might.” I say softly.

Blackjack could only shake his head.

“I could say that you deserved better but you were too high strung on love to care.”

Little does he know that Harry wasn’t the one I was high strung on love with. Now, looking back, I can see that I was using Harry to cover up the love I had for the man right in front of me. I’d never confess that to Rob, though.

My eyes make their way down to the floor as we slowed our walk.

“Go on.”

He breathes.

“I don’t know what made you fall in love with the asshole, but then again I don’t know what made me fall in love with my own wife––and don’t get me wrong. I loved my wife. Loved her beautiful soul even with all the shit she did to me and Dex.” Blackjack married his ex when I was in my early teenage years, he’d married her out of obligation because she was pregnant with his son. Turns out that she wasn’t the best mom, or wife for that matter.

The man dug his hands in his pockets, thinking to himself before he starts speaking aloud once more.

“When you can’t think of why you love someone so genuinely, that’s proof enough that it was real. Even if your relationship with the asshole was one sided, there’s no mistaking the fact that you were innocent in all of this.”

“So, I didn’t have it coming?”

Blackjack scoffs with disgust.

“Any person that says you deserved it will be seeing the end of your father’s boot at his chin. On top of your brothers’ and myself personally.” He says lowly, the expression on his face growing stern.

Just hearing that made me release my bottom lip from the clutch of my teeth.

“Thank you.” I whisper softly.

“Don’t mention it.”

I let out a slow exhale as we returned to our usual walking pace. With my hands wringing behind me, I didn’t know what else to say to that. The two of us ended up in an unbreakable silence. Maybe it was worth the moment to think it over. As I look around us, I notice the frequent stares we got from some of the mall goers.

It was usually other women who were taking their sweet time watching Blackjack glide across the mall. Whenever they caught me looking at their stare, their expressions changed into something sober. If it wasn’t sober, it was… jealous?

Did they honestly think we were dating?

Just what was it about our body language that would even give off that impression? The two of us weren’t even holding hands! I mean, sure, we were relatively close but that’s how friendly walks and conversations went. If anything, I didn’t even look like the type of woman he’d be seen with. Maybe someone taller with an athletic build in comparison to someone “tiny” like me…

As I was stuck thinking on it, I realized that he did have a way with looking at me differently. When I was trying on clothes, it became apparent that he was interested in something about me. Was it a slim waist? Or perhaps I did have a better butt than I let on… Or maybe it was my chest. Maybe, just maybe this was the past.

Maybe he missed me too, hell, maybe he had his own regrets. I didn’t know but something in my gut was digging to find out…

Just as we were passing a local Starbucks, I noticed the black and pink lace frontier of Cleopatra, the mall’s only acclaimed lingerie store. Just at the entrance, there were mannequins of provocative mesh bras accompanying a flimsy G-string on plastic thighs. It sparked so much controversial curiosity in the back of my head that I felt my heart race.

“Hey, Rob…?”

“Yeah?”

I stopped in my steps for a brief moment, letting my eyes linger away from the store before confronting his confused expression.

“Do you think we have time for at least one more stare––stop! I mean... one more stop?”

“The mall closes in twenty minutes, Monroe.” He growled out, irritated and tired from the past few hours I’ve lugged him around with me.

“I know, but I’ll be quick!” I insist.

Hell, I was already taking a huge risk. I didn’t want to chicken out of this gamble.

“Okay, where we going? Bath and Body Works? Homegoods?” He’d list our options.

I shake my head.

“There.” With my finger pointing in the direction of the seductive noir shop, Blackjack followed its direction until his eyes stopped dead on where we were going.

“Oh, jeez…” He muttered to himself before scratching the back of his head, a smile forming on his lips. “You’re dead set on torturing me, aren’t you?”

Yep!

“I’m not a guy, for crying out loud.” I tell him, crossing my arms, “I can’t just wear the same boxers for four years straight.”

That’s what the laundry machine is for, Ash.”

I open my mouth, unsure of what to say. With a little huff, I’d turn my attention back to the store and continue to justify.

“Yeah well––I want assortment.”

“Assortment.” He clarifies with slack.

“You heard me. A woman likes to spoil herself.”

He sighs with a laugh, “Oh jeez… fine.”

I turn my eyes back to him, surprised. “Really?”

“Sure.” He starts walking up to the entrance, bag and all. “If I don’t comply, I’m breaking our deal, aren’t I?”

“You’d be correct, but this isn’t even our “deal”” I tell him, giving him a wink.

“Well then. Let’s get this over with, shall we.” He gives me a coy smirk.

With that look on his face, I couldn’t help but smile back at him. He was being so nonchalant about this and it made me both nervous and excited at the same time. Was he doing this on purpose to get a reaction out of me?

Who knew. I kept on wondering up until I stepped into the shadows of the store and instantly regretted pushing him so far…

On every single wall, mannequin, hanger, shelf, and advertisement was a piece of clothing that made my expression turn a thousand shades burgundy. Everywhere my eyes roamed, I was met with a choice of clothing more scandalous than the previous.

The mannequin at the front was nowhere this sexy and full of risk. G-strings were skimpier. The bras were padded into halves so the cleavage would push up fully. There were corsets, garter belts, and even stockings to fishnets on every clad figure.

I was trying my best not to face him when my own expression betrayed me by reveling in my shock. Cleopatra back in my high school years was never this risque. I bought underwear here that covered my ass––not expose it on a golden platter.

With a deep inhale, I pulled myself together and began to stray from Blackjack as I looked at all the collections. I spotted a hanger which just so happened to hold a cute baby-blue eyelet bra with white lace across its edges. On the center was a little bow that accented below where the cleavage should be. I picked it up and draped the bra over my arm only to feel myself grow uncomfortable and not an ounce surer of myself.

“Would you like a bag for that?” A woman’s voice came behind me.

I turn around quickly to see a red-haired retail personnel greet me with her bestselling smile.

“Yes, please––I’d appreciate that.”

On her arm was a group of fiber knit bags for collecting underwear. As she offers one to me, I gladly grab it to stuff the lacy piece of lingerie inside. Phew, that was a close one.

“Are you looking for anything in particular?” She asks.

“Just panties and bras.” I smile sheepishly. At this point, it wouldn’t hurt to ask for help.

“Oh! What’s your size, honey?” Lea flashes her bright green eyes.

“Erm... I’m a 34 DD, I think.”

Perfect, most of our sizes range from 32-38 so you’ve come to the right place.” She’d assure before guiding me across the store

As I look behind me, I notice that Blackjack seemed distracted with something on his phone. Probably a text from one of the guys… or someone else.

“Here’s more of our lighter toned bras. I noticed you liked our eyelet selection of blues.” Lea chimes beside me.

I replace my glance to the shelves in front of me, surprised by the lack of black underwear. It was definitely a change from all the black lingerie I was smothered with before. There were pinks, periwinkles, lavenders, and even mint greens. From the collection, I plucked out a creamy white that looked like a semi corset top.

“Excellent choice, Miss.” She muses at my choice, “The Oleander long-line bra is one of our most popular items for brides to be. Are you getting married by chance?”

“What?” I ask, astonished. “No, no. I recently...”

She put her hands up, “Oh, I’m so sorry––I just assumed that you and the gentlemen you walked in with were…”

“Oh, him?” I look back over to Blackjack who just so happened to be watching us in the distance. Just his very glance startled me.

“He’s..well..” My mouth starts talking, trying to come up with something smart.

“No need to explain.” She reassures me with a warm smile. “Do you like the item though?”

At the question, I look back to the bra and examine it for another five seconds before nodding, “It’s quite lovely. I haven’t worn anything like this in a while though…”

“It’s never too late to start.” She suggests casually. “I think it’d definitely suit you.”

“What makes you say that?” I ask, curiosity brewing in me.

“Well, blondes have a natural relationship with whites. And your skin is so tan, so it’ll make the bra details accent the natural skin tone of yours.”

“I suppose so.” I think aloud, smirking at the thought of what Blackjack would think if he caught me in it. “I’ll give it a try.”

“Sounds wonderful!”

After just five minutes, she was able to fill my bag with at least eight different types of panties that she thought would go great with my legs. Some of the choices seemed a little beyond me, to be honest––but, what the hell. I could try black mesh and see if it’s up to my par. With her selection of panties, she also suggested a couple of mermaid blue bras that went well with the blues of my eyes. There was one particular black eyelet bra that I was keen on trying out just because it seemed to ooze sex appeal just from staring at it.

“If you need anything else, feel free to ask.” She smiles with assurance as I slip into the changing room.

You’ve been a big help. Believe me.” I say with a laugh. Before I closed the door behind me, a thought came to my head. “Have you seen the man I was with before by chance?”

“Oh! He’ll be waiting for you outside! I showed him to a seat by the changing rooms, but he should be able to hear you if you call for him.”

“Thanks.” I smile.

As I closed the door behind me to look in the mirror, I drew in a big breath. Well, it wasn’t quite what I planned but whatever. I could take advantage of this and spoil myself even without an audience.

I started with the white long-line corset bra and opened it up by the notches along its spine. With every unfold I made, it made me wonder how the hell was I going to get it to close from the back when I could barely undo it as it was. It didn’t matter, I’d find a way eventually. I had ten minutes to get through all of them and this was going to be a piece of cake.

Before I tried on the bra, I slipped out of my jeans and slipped on the complimenting Oleander white-lace panty over my blue thong. I tilted my hips left and right, hands up to my sides to see if they really did make my legs look nice.

I couldn’t tell the difference, if I was going to be honest, but I did like the soft white look across my tan skin. Avoiding any more delays, I slipped off the bra I came in with and let it fall to the side before I slipped on the white semi-corset bra. As I started hooking the bottom notches behind me, I felt the corset hugging up against the level of my ribs. I throw my head back to arch my back into my hands only to feel something tight pull at my hair once I start working my way up. My brows furrow and I start to lower my chin down until I was stopped with a sting across my scalp.

“Shit!” I snap out, hissing.

I tilt my head back with my hands still awkwardly searching up the corset notches. My fingers end up roaming through my blonde hair, unsure of where the snag was. With a low sigh, I take a hold of my hair and try to pull my chin back down to my neck only for the sting to intensify, making me yelp out at the pain.

“Ow––mph!”

“Monroe?” A voice came from the dressing room. It was Blackjack.

“Yeah?” I sound out, nervousness filling my voice.

“Is everything okay?” He asks.

I take in a slow breath, trying my best not to move as frantically as I did before. One more pull and I could just as well be yanking a chunk of my own hair out. Easy does it, Ashley.

“Yeah, just.. struggling with this––thing.” I say, mentally cursing myself for being so vague.  

“Do you need help?”

“Is the lady who was helping me out there?” I ask.

There was a brief pause before he responded, “I think she’s helping out another customer.”

“Oh––that’s okay.” I lie, rubbing my hair between my fingers hopelessly. “I’ll…take...care of it…ow!”

“Ashley––”

“No, really! I’ve got this!”

“I’m coming in, Monroe.” His voice comes up from behind the door.

“Don’t you dare, Blackjack.” I warn him only for another sting to pass through my hair, “Agh! Fine––fine. Just don’t look!”

He scoffs behind the door, “Just who do you think I am.”

“Not a gentleman at this rate.” I huff before unlocking the door with my spare hand.

“And don’t you know it.” His voice comes up from behind my shoulder as he steps in, the sound setting shivers down my spine.

I gulp down my insecurity and look up at the reflection of the mirror where he stands behind me. His eyes were looking down at the mess I made of my hair, shaking his head at the sight.

“Jesus, Ash. I don’t know much about this kind of stuff but––”

“Don’t say it.” I say flatly.

“––I think you’re doing it wrong.” I give up, laughing at the ridiculousness of it all.

“Hold still” He tells me before sliding his fingers across the bottom of my hair.

With a bite of my lip, I watch him in the mirror with his attention fixed on me. I could feel the hair shift left and right as he tries his best to save me from the pain. It seemed unlike him to be so gentle with that rough façade of his–but somehow, it made me burning to touch him with the way he treated me so delicately. If he even touched the bridge of my spine, it was a ghost like brush of skin that I didn’t think he even recognized.

It made my body warm with that curious buzz running along my nerves. Waiting for him to do it again, even if it was on purpose. I close my eyes, waiting patiently in the silence. However, my hair soon enough loosened its pull on my head and I was left to slip my chin back down to the level of my neck.

“There. All better.” He whispers lowly.

I open my eyes slowly, as if I had been caught in a dewy dream. His eyes were sitting on my shoulder as his hands brush my hair away from my back. I watch him as his figure leans down, my breath stopped in the middle of my throat. The line of his mouth catches the cliff of my shoulder and the warmth presses itself down, splitting my nerves into a warm shudder of want and need. A soft gasp passes from my lips as he takes my jaw in his hand, guiding me to his face while he kisses his way up my neck.

Shit. I’ve missed this.

I’ve missed him.

I tilt my head into his hand. Not away from his mouth but away so that he could keep exploring with his mouth. Explore, he did. His lips caught me at every soft spot on my flesh. Testing that heartbeat that drilled in the hollow of my throat as he held me, his opposite hand slid down to my thigh––hooking the white panties with his careful thumb.

“Mmm.” I let out, the warmth of his chest making me pull myself closer to him. It’s been years since we’ve been this close, I can’t believe I ever let him pull away from me.

I pressed my ass to his hips and without a warning, he turned me around to pin my body across the wall of the changing room. I breathe in his cologne, the husky scent rinsing down my senses. Suddenly, his mouth was finally on mine–hot and demanding with a hunger driving me crazy. I kiss him back, driving the same force back up to him. The hand on my hip squeezes my skin and it drives me up the wall.

“Rob,” I moan up to his ear before I could stop.

The sound of his name makes him stop in his tracks as his mouth leaves me. I was panting as he left me at the wall, turning his back to my state. I watch him, breathless and confused.

I’m so sorry.” He brings a hand up to the back of his neck before shaking his head. “That was…”

I lent my voice out to him, “I…wait, don’t!”

“It won’t happen again.” He says, the resolution firm in his voice. “I’m so sorry, Ash.”

I didn’t understand.

The confusion mixing in the pit of my stomach grew even when he left me alone in the changing room. For the rest of my five minutes, I didn’t try on any other items. Instead, I ended up leaving everything in the hands of the woman who assisted me when she came back to check on me. She asked me if I wanted to put the items on hold if I returned, but I didn’t think I would. Despite that, she reassured me that she’d set them aside until next week if I changed my mind. That was sweet of her.

On the way back, Blackjack and I didn’t say a word. The car was jamming to Aerosmith, but no one was singing aloud. We were back to sitting in the ice bath with nothing to talk about. The worst part is, I didn’t know if I should regret it at all. It felt so right but…was it wrong?

Did I push him too far? Or did I finally get the taste of what I lost years ago?

I didn’t care anymore. I’d lost him once because of things we couldn’t change. I was home, and I was going to be happy. Rob always did that, and dammit, I’m going to fight for him now, even if he can’t bring himself to fight for me.