I waited on that balcony all night as that hollow feeling started to return. I stood there and heard people below chanting the countdown and then singing ‘Auld Lang Syne.’ She didn’t come and didn’t let me explain what happened. I acted like an asshole, and she didn’t deserve that. I was mad at myself and mad at the situation, but I never meant to hurt her or take my frustration out on her.

I was pissed at first that I let myself stumble into her room drunk and take her like that. That she so easily welcomed me when she shouldn’t have. She deserved better than that. Than me. Worse, I let my jealousy rule me. I knew I would never be able to let her go. It’s why I tried to stay away, and her father’s words taunted me —she’d always pull the eyes of other men. I’d have to fight them back till the end of days. It pissed me off, but it was a task I’d easily complete. I’d make sure none of them looked at her. They’d all know she belonged to me and me alone.

The look on her face. I’ll never forget that. All the sweetness turned to sadness. I should have known. She was so innocent, but maybe I was a little jaded. Didn’t think after all the pain life has given me that it would give me something so sweet that could be all mine.

I stomped all over the precious gift of her virginity. If I could just get her to listen to me, I’d spend the rest of our lives making it right. I took the sheet off her bed and brought it home with me as a reminder of what I’d done. It was barbaric, but I had to take it. Keep it. Not let that gift be washed away.

Days pass, and I have no way of getting in touch with her. Finally, I break down and try to casually mention Felicity to Bill. I need some more information on her. I can’t stand the ache in my chest, and I need to see her.

I go by the office he works at and lean casually in the entryway. Ironically, it’s a relaxed position when I’ve never felt tenser in my life.

“Hey, Bill. Just wanted to come by and say thanks again for the drinks before New Year’s.”

I knew Bill had no knowledge of what happened between Felicity and me because I feel sure he would have ripped my throat out the first time I saw him afterwards.

“Sure, Calder. Anytime. Were you able to make it on New Year’s Eve? There were so many people I didn’t catch if you and Sidney had been able to stop by.”

“Yes, I did actually.” I stop, not knowing how to continue, then try to make an easy transition to my desired objective. “I looked for you and Felicity but didn’t see you before we left.”

“Ah.” He looks away and then looks back to me. “I was around, mingling as usual, but unfortunately Felicity had to leave for school earlier than expected.”

I can see the disappointed look on his face, and I hate that I may have put it there. It’s obvious his daughter is important to him, and it just adds another layer of asshole to the pile I already feel.

“Where does she go to school again?” I know exactly where she goes to school, I just need some details.

“Cambridge in England. She comes home when she can, but she’s busy with her studies. She’s set to graduate this semester and she’s working overtime. She’s got her whole life to work. And if you ask me, she’s taking on too much. She’s young. She should be falling in love and having a good time. But instead she keeps her music to herself, closed off from everyone.”

I absorb all of his words, thinking that she’s old enough to know what she wants, and if she should be falling in love with anyone, it should be me.

He shakes his head and looks apologetic. “Sorry, that might have been over-sharing. I just worry. She’s my only little girl.”

“You said before she was just like her mother. But you said that Felicity is introverted?” I ask, wanting to get to the bottom of his comparison.

“Oh.” He looks at me like he forgot he mentioned it. “I must have said that in passing. Yes, she’s so much like her at times. She’s so passionate about her music, the way Ruthie was about life. My ex-wife may have had her faults.” He lets out a dark laugh. “A lot more than I realized to begin with, but there was an air about her. People flocked to Ruthie. She loved attention and grabbed onto it everywhere she went, but she turned it into something nasty. But sweet Felicity has that draw and doesn’t even know it. She’s like the glow of a sunset that people gather around to watch. She commands attention without lifting a finger.” He shakes his head and looks off into the distance. “That was the reason I fell for Ruthie to begin with. Felicity is cut from the same cloth, but she has her own path. She’s just as beautiful as Ruthie, and I don’t think she even realizes it.”

“I know,” I whisper, and he turns to look at me. I clear my throat and make a mumbling sound, trying to make it sound like I was trying to stifle a cough instead of agreeing with him. “So she’s coming home for spring break then?” I ask, hopeful that she’s headed this way sometime soon.

Bill sighs and shrugs his shoulder. “She sent me a text last night saying she’ll let me know. Oh well. At some point I have to let her live her life. Right?”

I give him a tight smile and change over to work talk. It’s the last thing on my mind, but I can’t walk out of his office having only talked about Felicity. I need to stay under the radar with him and hide my feelings for her until I can come up with a way of talking to her.

I go back to my office and kick myself for the workload I have lying before me. I have so much I need to be doing, but all I can think about is making a trip to England. We have consultants there, and I could use it as an excuse to pop in, but would it be obvious to Bill? Maybe I’m being paranoid, but I need to see her. I need to find a way to talk to her.

Just as I’m about to book a flight, I get an email detailing a long list of problems with one of our projects here in New York. It’s the kind of shit I will have to deal with myself and will keep my ass firmly planted in the Big Apple for quite a few weeks.

Handling as much as I can while I’m in the office, I work until the sun is long set and the moon is telling me to get my ass home. It’s dark by the time I walk into my penthouse, and the feeling I’ve been trying to avoid all day creeps in.

Felicity.

I go to my room and strip off my clothes, climbing into the cool sheets. I grab my phone and see what I can find on social media. Anything. A girl her age has to have Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. Right?

Wrong. She’s nowhere to be found. I find an old account, but it only has a single picture on it, and it’s long since been forgotten, without so much as one post.

I decide to dig deeper and look into her college orchestra’s social media. There, I luck out and find a scrap of information. It lists names and dates for some of their social outings, but I don’t see Felicity's name mentioned on them. When I click through some of the classroom pictures, I catch a few glimpses of her in the back. At least knowing where she is eases some of the pain. Knowing that she’s safe is better than not knowing anything.

After my search through her school, I look up one of my contacts who’s done some work for me in the past. I make a quick phone call across the pond to Edward Odom and have him find out all he can on Felicity. I need someone to get eyes on her, and I need it starting yesterday.

Once I finish our quick chat and explain what I need, I lie back in bed and think of her.

It’s all I can seem to do lately, so it’s not difficult. The hard part comes when my cock won’t stop aching for her, no matter how many times I rub one out. I’ve jerked off so many times, my own cock is bored with me. I hadn’t jerked off in years, just choosing to do without. I’m not like most men, with an irresistible need to get off. When I came, I liked there to be someone with me. But the someone I want most isn’t here, and my cock doesn’t seem to understand that.

Reaching down under the sheet, I take myself in my hand and begin to rub. It’s nothing like the feel of her velvety cunt wrapped around it, but I try to pretend. I think about how good it felt to get inside her and how badly I want to do it again.

When I’d woken up the next morning, I was so angry with myself. I’d fallen on top of her so easily, and I was so jealous of every man who had ever done that before me. I’d made myself sick to my stomach thinking of all the men she might have let touch her precious body after I left that day. Thinking about someone else’s hand on her. I didn’t care if she’d slept with ten thousand men before me, I just couldn't stand the thought of someone else getting to do it when I was gone.

I threw hateful things at her that morning, and I needed to make it right. I needed to explain why I was upset. I needed to tell her that all the things I felt that morning hit me hard, things I hadn’t felt in years, things I’d never felt at all. I wasn’t just going to slip from her life and be another man lying at her feet when she was finished. I was going to stand with her forever, and she needed to get used to the idea. Everyone did.

I will make Felicity understand, and I’ll make her father understand, too. I’m not going anywhere, and she can just deal with it.

I fist my cock roughly, punishing myself for letting her go so easily. One she’s in my grasp again, she won’t be able to get away. I’ll make damn sure of that.

Looking over to the chair beside the bed, I see the sheet folded neatly with the small red stain on top. The sight of her virgin blood and knowing I got her cherry first makes me cum all over my hand and stomach. The knowledge that though she may not have been saving it for me, I still got it just the same makes me crazy. Her hymen was mine, and I’ll keep that sheet as a badge of victory.

Maybe I should have taken her more gently since it was her first time. But as I wipe up my cum, I can’t imagine having her any other way. She was so responsive and so needy under me, and remembering the details makes my cock swell again.

* * *

I make it through the next few months, and before I know it, it’s May. Most of the time I feel like a zombie, just walking around like a shell of a man. I get updates from Edward weekly on Felicity, but nothing has changed. She didn't come home for spring break, and I’m starting to get worried. Edward tells me she’s a loner and doesn’t participate in much beyond her music. I take that as a good sign though, because if she’s still playing, then there is still light inside of her.

I found her email address and have been sending her an email every day. The ones in the beginning were apologies, but after a month of that, I moved on to telling her about our future. The plans I want to make, the things I want to do with her, if only she’ll hear me out. She hasn’t responded to any of them, and I’m beginning to come to the end of my rope.

A form lands on my desk that needs my attention, and I see that there’s a note attached. It says that it needs to be taken care of before the end of the week because our corporate attorney will be out of town.

Bill is a hard worker, taking about as much time off as I do, which is basically zero. So seeing the note makes me wonder what’s going on. I walk out of my office and make my way over to his and knock on his open door.

“Bill, you have a second?” I try to ask casually, though my heart is beating a mile a minute.

“Sure, Calder. Everything okay?”

“I just saw that you wouldn’t be here next week. Going on a vacation?”

He smiles, and I know right away it’s to see Felicity. “I’m going to my daughter’s graduation. She hasn’t been home in a while, and I kind of got the impression she was avoiding me.” He looks away and shrugs his shoulders before smiling back at me again. “But I’m not missing her graduation for the world.”

“What a coincidence. I’ve got business I need to tend to in the UK next week as well.”

The words fall out of my mouth before I can think about what I’m saying. All I know is that I need to be there, too.

“Oh, really? That’s great. Maybe we can meet up for a drink.”

“I’m sure I’ll be seeing you,” I mumble as I exit his office.

Before my office door has fully shut behind me, I’m booking a flight. I’ve waited long enough to see her, and this is the opportunity I need. It will be perfect. She’ll have her graduation, and I will convince her to give me a chance. What could possibly go wrong?