Chapter 11 (Alyssa)
Past...
After that day in the interrogation room, Ford remained an integral part of my childhood.
He came around every other weekend and whisked me away for a few hours during another one of my mother's drunken binges.
He tried persuading her to go to rehab, so many times I lost count; but as usual, she insisted that she didn't have a problem and that if he wanted to continue spending time with me he needed to mind his own business.
He attended every recital, every sporting event, and even a few parent- teacher conferences.
At least, he did until I turned 15.
After that, he seldom came around and I didn't understand why.
One time, he mumbled something about it no longer being appropriate for us to spend so much time with one another, and I thought my heart was going to shatter into a million pieces.
Before he drove away from my tear stained face that day, he promised me that he would always be in my life.
I hated that he was purposely distancing himself from me, but to his credit, he did text me a few times a week. And he still made it a point to see me in person during the two days leading up to my birthday.
Those were always the hardest for me for obvious reasons.
***
I'll never forget the night of my 17th birthday.
I had gotten into another horrible fight with my mother and John. One of the worst ones to date. I found out that he officially moved in with us.
After hours of persuading and guilting Ford into coming to see me, he finally relented.
He pulled up in a shiny new BMW. The color matching his dark blue eyes perfectly.
I let out a whistle when I saw it and those perfect teeth of his flashed me a movie star grin. "You like?"
"I do. It's gorgeous."
He opened the driver side door and threw the keys at me. "Let's go. You drive."
I stared at him, too stunned to speak. "What's with the look? You are 17 now." He winked. "I trust you not to crash my baby. Now get over here."
I bit my lip and walked over to his side of the car.
He got out and stood before me, his large frame towering over me. His eyes briefly scanned over my body before he looked away. "Jesus, what the hell are they putting in the milk these days," he muttered.
"What are you talking about?"
He coughed before looking at me again. "It's just...you look so grown up compared to when I last saw you. I can't believe your mother lets you out of the house looking like that."
I smoothed over the micro denim mini skirt that I wore especially for him.
I didn't usually wear suggestive clothing, but I wanted to look different.
I wanted Ford to see me as a woman, instead of some silly teenager. "Looking like what, Ford? It's been an entire year since I last saw you, of course, I grew up."
His gaze lingered over my legs. "Yeah, I guess you did."
He walked over to the passenger side door. "You gonna be able to drive in those heels, killer?"
I smirked. "I'll manage."
Since I was the driver, and the destination was my choice—I knew exactly where I wanted to take him.
"Out of all the places to go to. You chose this place. On your birthday."
The stars lit up the night time sky and the sound of water crashing against the docks hovered in the distance as I parked the car.
I chewed on my thumbnail. "I haven't been back here since it happened. And there's no one in the world I trust to come here with but you."
"I haven't been here since that day either," he confessed.
I leaned against the headrest and pushed my seat back. "Do you think he would be proud of me?"
Ford reached for my hand. "Of course, he would. Why would you think otherwise?"
"Sometimes I think he would be mad that I didn't stop my mother from turning into an alcoholic. That I should have prevented it."
Before Ford could interject I added, "Sometimes I think he blames me for causing his death. All because I pulled that stupid stunt. God, I was such a brat. What the hell was I thinking?"
His fingers linked with mine. "You were a child, Alyssa. It wasn't your fault and he would never blame you. He loved you."
I squeezed my eyes shut and tuned out his words. "She still cries over him. Usually, it's after John has gone to bed and she thinks no one can hear her. But I can. I always can. Hell, sometimes I cry with her."
"Sweetheart—" he started.
I cleared my throat and opened my eyes. "So, anyway. What's new with you?"
He drew back his hand and ran it along his jaw. "Well, I met someone."
"Oh?" I said, hoping my true feelings over his statement wouldn't show.
It felt like he tossed my heart in a blender and pressed 'puree.' Twice.
"Yeah. She's a doll, too. She's a nurse in the ER over at Columbia."
I gritted my teeth. "A nurse, how sweet."
Obviously not picking up on my sarcasm, he continued, "Yeah. She is. Better than the last relationship I had. What a disaster that was. I'm thinking it's time for this old dog to settle down. Make an honest woman out of someone."
"You're not old," I muttered. He laughed. "I'm 35. That's like ancient to most teenagers."
I played with a strand of my hair. "I'm not like most teenagers, Ford."
He stared at me for a beat and swallowed. "No. No, you're not. You've been through more shit than most adults have in an entire lifetime."
"So what's this nurse's name?" I interrupted.
"Penelope."
"That's a stupid name," I said through clenched teeth.
In all honesty, it wouldn't have mattered what her name was, I still would have hated it.
He chuckled. "It's a bit of a mouthful, I suppose."
I glared at him. "Does she put out?"
He looked taken back. "I don't think that's any of your business. You don't hear me asking if you've given it up to Tony, now do you?"
I spun around in my seat. "His name's Toby." I crossed my arms. "And for your information- No, I haven't given it up yet. I want it to be special."
He nodded, relief flashing across his face. "That's good. It should be special—" he started to say before I cut him off.
"But I've given him one hell of a blowjob."
"Christ, Alyssa. What the hell is the matter with you?"
"You!" I shouted. "You left me, Ford. I needed you and you weren't there. You were all I had to depend on after mom went off the deep end. You were the only good thing I had left. Especially after John entered our lives."
He sat up straight. "Has that prick touched you? I swear to God, I'll kill him."
I rolled my eyes. "No. I just don't trust him is all. He's not a good guy. Especially now that he's living with us and controlling mom's every move."
"Shit, she let him move in? You know you can tell me if he steps out of line with you or your mother. Right?"
"Yeah."
We stayed silent for what felt like hours before I finally gathered enough strength to ask him. "Why did you leave me? Why did you go away?"
"I told you. Our relationship wasn't appropriate. People were going to talk and assume things about us, about me."
I slammed the steering wheel with my hand. "So let them. Who the fuck cares what other people say."
"It's not that simple, Alyssa."
"I don't buy it. We weren't doing anything wrong. And I don't think people would say shit if they knew the way you saved me. If they knew the way you stepped in when no one else did."
He stayed silent, but I continued probing. "What's the real reason, Ford? You've always been honest with me."
He looked down, avoiding my gaze. "I already told you. It wasn't appropriate."
I smacked the steering wheel again. "Bullshit."
"Would you quit doing that!" he shouted. "You're gonna hurt yourself."
"Stop avoiding my question, Ford."
"I already answered the goddamned question," he ground out.
I slammed the steering wheel again, harder this time.
"Stop it!"
"Make me."
He grabbed my wrists. "Stop acting like a child."
"Stop treating me like one then. And tell me the truth!"
"How many times do I have to say it? It wasn't appropriate, Alyssa."
I struggled against him. "Why? You never did anything wrong. So what exactly was it about our relationship that wasn't appropriate?"
"Goddammit, Alyssa. Me. My thoughts. The way I was starting to look at you, think about you. Feel about you. Nothing about it was appropriate."
And just like that, the smoke screen was lifted and my heart soared into orbit.
"How could it not be appropriate when I thought the same things?"
"Because you're a child. I'm an adult. I should know better."
"I'm not a child."
"Yeah, well. You're not an adult, either."
"I'm in love with you, Ford. I always have been. I always will be."
He closed his eyes. "Don't say stuff like that."
"Why not? It's the truth."
"You're my best friend's little girl. I was there at the hospital the day you were born for crying out loud. Do you know how disgusting that makes me feel? I want to wash my mind out with bleach every single time I think about you. Do you know how wrong everything about this is?"
"Then I'll wait." I swallowed hard. "I'll wait until it's not wrong anymore. Hell, I'll wait for you forever."
"That's the thing, Alyssa. I don't know when it would ever be right between us."
"Then I might as well do this," I said before I leaned over the center console and kissed him.
I expected him to push me away, to start yelling about how it wasn't appropriate again. Instead, he groaned and pulled me closer to him as his tongue skated over mine.
Heat coursed through me and I reached for his belt buckle.
That's when he stopped me.
"No. You're not ready for that, yet. You deserve more than some cheap fuck in a car with some old man for your first time."
I reached for his belt again. "Okay, so let me take care of you then."
He pulled away. "No." He sighed. "Listen to me and listen good. You are beautiful and special. You're not some whore. You're a good girl, you understand me?"
I shrugged. "I thought I'd do something to make you happy. I thought you wanted me."
He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "I do." He looked down. "Clearly that isn't the issue here."
"So what's the problem?"
"Gee, I don't know. Where do I begin? Oh, that's right. How about the fact that what we're doing is illegal. Use your head. You got accepted into NYU, didn't you?"
"Okay, so when can we take the next step then?" He muttered something under his breath. "How about when you're old enough."
"Can we still do other stuff?"
He raised an eyebrow. "Like what?"
"Like what we were doing before? You know, kissing."
His lips twitched. "Well you can't un-ring a bell, now can you?"
He leaned in so that I was pressed against my seat. "So fucking beautiful," he whispered before his lips landed on mine.
"So does this mean you and Penelope are over?" I asked between kisses. "I'll break up with Toby first thing tomorrow."
His hand stopped moving midway up my thigh. "I can't just break up with her," he said. "I asked her to marry me. The wedding's this summer."
I pushed him off me. "You what? How could you? I thought you were in love with me?"
He exhaled sharply and adjusted himself. "I am. I just never thought this—" He gestured between us. "Would ever happen."
"Okay, and now that it has you can let her down easy."
He looked at me like I sprouted another head. "And say what? That I'm in love with my deceased partner's daughter? Who by the fucking way isn't even 18 yet."
"Maybe not in those exact words, but yeah. Something along those lines."
He shook his head. "You don't get it, do you?"
"Evidently not. Why don't you catch me up to speed, special agent," I bit out.
"No one can ever know about us. It will always be wrong, no matter how we feel about one another. I have a reputation to protect. I'm a trusted officer of the law for Pete's sake."
"But, I thought..."
"You thought wrong, sweetheart." He grabbed my face between both of his hands. "Look, if you can't handle this. Then it's best we stop right here, right now."
I swiped at the tears on my face. "I can't stand the thought of you with someone else, Ford."
"That's the way it has to be."
"I don't know if I can deal with that."
"Then after tonight, forget about us. I'll always be there if you ever really need me, but I have to separate myself from you. It's too hard to be around you. You invade my senses until the only thing I see is you."
"But I love you."
He kissed me tenderly. "And I love you. That's why it's so difficult."
I pulled him into another kiss. Our mouths coming together in a rough and needy mess. His hand slipped back down to my thigh. "Goddammit. You have no idea how much I want you. How much I've dreamed about this moment. How much I've jerked off to visions of you writhing underneath me."
"Then marry me. Not her."
His hand moved higher, raising the denim of my skirt to the level of my underwear. "I wish I could, sweetheart. Trust me."
"You can. Who cares what other people think and say. We can live in our own little bubble."
"That's not the way the world works," he grumbled.
"So let's make our own world."
"We can't. Now you can either learn to accept it or not. But I'm marrying Penelope. It's happening. Me and her make sense together."
I tried to push him off me again but he didn't budge. "Well, I don't accept it. It should be me. She'll never love you the way I do."
I didn't even realize how hard the tears were falling until Ford had stopped kissing me. "Don't you get it now? We can't be together. You can't even handle kissing me without getting hysterical."
His words lit a fury in me and before I could stop myself, I slapped him across the cheek. "Asshole."
He looked as surprised as I felt. He bit my lip and kissed me harder. "That's right. I am an asshole. And innocent little girls like you need to stay far away and stop provoking the beast."
"What if I love the beast? What if I accept him for all that he is?"
His fingers grazed over my panties. "Who does this belong to?"
I trailed kisses up his neck. "I think you know the answer to that."
"Say it, Alyssa."
"It's yours."
"Is it?"
I nodded. "You know it is."
"Even after I marry Penelope? Is it still mine then?"
"I don't want to think about that, Ford."
"Well think about it, because it's happening." He slipped a finger inside the material. "Will you still wait for me then? Will you still allow me to be the first? The only? No matter how much time has passed between us?"
I held my breath as his finger continued to stroke me. "Answer me."
"Yes. I'll wait for you."
"Promise me."
"I promise."
By the time Ford had dropped me off it was almost 3 in the morning.
I tip-toed inside the house, being as quiet as I could.
Until a voice stopped me in my tracks. "Who was that man that just dropped you off?" John's voice boomed.
I turned to face him. "None of your business. Don't worry about it."
The corner of his lips curled up. "Don't give me any sass, girl. I asked you a question and I expect an answer."
"That controlling tone might work with my mother, for reasons I fail to comprehend; but you're surely mistaken if you think it'll have the same effect on me. I don't answer to you."
I headed in the direction of my room when I was suddenly slammed against the wall. I rubbed the back of my head, trying to thwart off a headache that would be starting soon, thanks to him. "Touch me again and it will be the last thing you ever do, you son of a bitch," I warned.
"Young lady, that is no way to talk to your father."
I saw red at that moment."You might be screwing my mother, but you are not my father."
He looked me up and down, disgust in his eyes. "Yeah, well, maybe if you actually had a father you wouldn't be walking in the house at 3 in the morning looking like a tramp."
I was so angry I started shaking. "Yeah, well, maybe if you were half the man my father was, you wouldn't have to buy my mother off with gifts to get her to fuck you."
The slap across my face seemed to echo throughout the entire house.
A light turned on in the hallway and my mother stood there in shock.
I took a step forward. “You can try and cover up manure...but at the end of the day, it still reeks like shit.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” he barked.
I looked at my mother briefly before focusing my attention back to him. "You might be in her bed now, but trust me when I say that when the booze leaves her system and reality sets in, it's not you that she wants next to her. It will always be him."
My mother gasped but I ignored her and held up my cell phone instead. "And you just made a big mistake by touching me."
I ran out of the house and dialed Ford's number.
A woman's voice picked up on the third ring.
"Hello," she answered.
"Can I speak to Ford?" I heard some shuffling in the background. "It's 3:30 in the morning. Who is this?"
Aggravation coursed through me as it dawned on me. "Why are you picking up his cell phone?"
A giggle erupted, followed by the sound of his low groan. "Because he's a little preoccupied at the moment."
I let out a shaky breath, the impact of her words sinking in.
"Tell him it's important," I whispered.
With a huff, I heard her faintly murmur what I said to him.
"There's nothing more important than you, sweetheart. Just hang up on her," Ford's voice commanded before the line went dead.
I shoved my phone into my pocket and turned back around. I was startled to find John outside on the porch smoking a cigarette.
"Look, I'm sorry about before," he began.
I continued walking, my heart breaking with every step. "Whatever."
"Who was that you were on the phone with?" he asked.
That's when the tears erupted. John stomped out his cigarette, appearing daunted.
"It doesn't matter," I sniffed. "What we had is over, for good. He made that perfectly clear."
He looked pleased. "Listen, I've been thinking, I want your mother to go to rehab."
I laughed and walked past him. "Yeah, good luck with that."
"I'm gonna make it happen, Alyssa. But I'm going to need your help."
He held out his hand. "Truce?"
"Fine," I muttered before heading inside.
An hour later, my phone rang. Ford's name flashed on the screen.
“Leave me alone,” I answered.
“Don't be like that, Alyssa.”
“Be like what, Ford? Be like you?”
“Stop acting like a child. I told you the way it had to be.”
I stayed silent.
“I told you I'll always be there for you when you need me,” he said.
“Yeah, except when you're too busy being there for her. I won't be the other woman.”
He chuckled. “You'd actually have to be a woman for that to happen.”
His words stung. There was only one way to make the pain go away. “Have a nice life, Ford.”
”Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you like that. You know I love you. I will always love you. But maybe it's best that we don't talk for a while,” he said before he hung up.
It was the last time I would speak to Ford for 4 years.
The next time...he would shatter the rest of me.
***
He stared at me for what felt like forever, finally standing up from his desk after a full 5 minutes had passed.
His gray suit was immaculate, and even though a few lines creased his forehead with age, it only made him better looking.
“You cut your hair,” were the first words he uttered. “It suits you. I like it. Makes you look more mature.”
I gave him half a smile. “Most newscasters have shoulder length hair. I figured it was time to conform.”
He nodded. “Did you get here okay?”
I held up the keys to the BMW. “Yeah. Thanks to a certain special agent I know.”
Nothing shocked me more than when I had received the title and a set of keys to his BMW in the mail, along with directions telling me where I could pick it up.
On his wedding day, no less.
Not wanting to acknowledge that statement with words, he gave me another nod.
I wrung my hands and looked around. “I like your office.”
“Yeah, I have the promotion to thank for that. It seems the higher up the chain I go, the less field work I do.”
I smiled, until I spotted a picture of him and my father on his desk. His eyes followed mine and he looked away.
Figuring this moment couldn't get any more awkward, I decided, to go for the gold. “How's Penelope?”
“Fine,” he responded curtly.
He seemed different now. Colder. “Is everything okay?” I asked.
He cleared his throat and walked out from around his desk. “I guess I'm just trying to figure out exactly why you're here, Alyssa.”
I stepped back as though I'd been punched. “You really have no idea why I'm here right now?”
The sex tape had gone viral, my stepfather had lost the election, and my mother had officially disowned me.
I had no one else to turn to. All roads led back to him.
“I guess you haven't been on the internet in a while but—”
“I saw the fucking sex tape!” he screamed loud enough to make me jump.
Not waiting for a response, he continued. “Like I said, I'm having trouble figuring out why you're here.”
I swallowed hard. “John won't help me and my mother's turned her back on me.”
“Okay?”
“Okay?” I scoffed before my voice started cracking. “You're all I have left, Ford.”
I took a step toward him and he lifted his chin. “What exactly is it that you want from me, Alyssa?”
“It happened without my consent—”
He cut me off. “Are you insinuating that he raped you? Because it looked like you were a willing participant.”
“No. What I meant was that I had no idea he was filming it. I never agreed to that.”
He narrowed his eyes. “But you agreed to spread your legs for him?”
Before I could interject he added, “Like some kind of whore.”
I heard that word from a lot of people after the sex tape leaked, including my own mother. But hearing it from his mouth made something inside of me snap.
He held me against him. “Shh.” He took out a tissue and wiped my face. “Stop crying.”
“I c-can't. You promised you would always be there f-for me.” I took a deep breath. “I need your help, Ford.”
He kissed my forehead. “What are you willing to do for it?” he whispered.
He put a hand on my shoulder and pushed. I backed away from him, closing my eyes in disbelief.
I looked up at him when I heard the sound of a belt buckle being undone. “No.” I shook my head. “You can't be serious.”
I had always thought about being intimate with Ford, but not this way. Never like this.
He smirked. “What's the matter, Alyssa? You can fuck some guy on video but not me? The man you claimed to love. The one you promised to wait for?”
“I-I. You got married. You chose her. You said we shouldn't talk anymore,” I stammered.
He leaned into me until I fell against the wall. “I was trying to do the right thing,” he whispered before he kissed me.
Our mouths tangled and his hands pulled at my clothing. “What are we doing, Ford?” I panted as he kissed my neck.
He pulled back. “You were supposed to be mine.”
I reached for the buttons on his shirt and he lifted my skirt. “I am yours.”
Before I knew it, my legs were wrapped around his waist and he was entering me with a loud grunt as I moaned.
“Yeah, you like that?” he asked before pulling out and slamming into me hard.
I could only nod, my body too far gone to form actual words.
Until his next statement. “Of course, you do. You little slut.”
My eyes opened wide and I stopped moving. “Wha—”
His hand slammed over my mouth and his eyes darkened. “You heard me. You lost all your value and appeal the day you became nothing but a worthless slut. You only did it to yourself, Alyssa.”
Tears sprung to my eyes with his cruel words as he continued thrusting and taunting me. “I loved you. I was supposed to be your first, your only. Now you're tainted...ruined.”
He grunted his release and threw me to the ground. “Turns out you weren't that good of a fuck after all. Figure your own way out of this mess, Alyssa. I suggest you continue to whore yourself around because that's all you're good for. Now, get out of my office.”
His hands remained clenched at his sides and he took one final look at me. “Your father would be ashamed of you.”
I quickly gathered my clothes off the ground and left.
After making my way out to the hallway, I reached up and felt for my necklace. With shaky hands, I tugged on it until it ripped free and fell.
It was then that I realized.
There are a thousand ways to break a girl...but it only takes one to kill her.