Chapter 40 (Jackson)
You would think I'd be upset to find myself back in jail again, but I'm not.
I've accepted it.
But it doesn't mean that my heart doesn't ache for Alyssa every second...or Momma, Tyrone, and Ricardo for that matter.
It was ironic that I ended up back here on Lilly's birthday. I chose to kill DeLuca on that day because I thought it would bring me luck. Obviously, fate thought otherwise.
I took it as a sign that Lilly herself obviously wanted me to pay.
But I still don't regret it. Even now.
Just like I wouldn't have regretted taking Ford's life or DeLuca's. Although, after Ricardo visited me and explained what really happened between Lou-Lou, him, and DeLuca; I know that the right to kill DeLuca definitely belonged to Lou-Lou, and I hope that wherever she is now—she's happy.
I was beyond pissed at him for having a gun to my girl's back, though, but I couldn't really argue when he explained that if the roles were reversed I would have done the same.
You see, he trusted Alyssa not to kill Lou-Lou. Hell, he even trusted DeLuca not to kill Lou-Lou due to his sick obsession with her. But he just couldn't trust that Ford wouldn't kill Lou-Lou...because he's a manipulating fucktard.
Those were his exact words.
However, I fully agree.
Especially looking at him right now from across the cafeteria in his orange jumpsuit.
The sight is so spectacular, I wish I could snap a picture and send it to Alyssa.
I thought I needed to protect her and make those who hurt her pay, but as it turns out; she got something even better than payback all on her own.
She got her own brand of justice...the way she needed to do it. I'm even more in awe of her and the woman she is.
And I know the man who gets the honor and privilege of spending the rest of his life with her, will be the luckiest man in the world.
I just wish it could have been me.
But for now, there's one more thing I have to do to settle the score with Ford.
Not only is he serving time for what he did to Alyssa, but he's also the main suspect in the murder of DeLuca now. He, of course, tried to tell them about Lou-Lou, but Alyssa and Ricardo along with me, are refuting his claims.
Which leaves all fingers pointing to him. The fact that he told Alyssa that he was planning on vacationing after taking DeLuca down and she got it on tape, doesn't look good for him.
He keeps insisting that he called for backup and was acting as a member of the FBI, though; so I guess we'll have to see how his defense will pan out in the long run.
And although he could be facing up to 20 years for what he did to Alyssa, the reality is that he most likely won't serve that much time.
For all we know, he could be out in a few months depending on his trial. The only reason he's sitting in jail now is because he's a flight risk and the judge ended up being a friend of Alyssa's dad.
Oddly enough, that's the saddest fact of all to come out in all this.
Alyssa's father really was a stand-up guy...but his worst quality was having Ford as a best friend and partner.
And had Ford not sunk his hooks into Alyssa right after his murder and coerced and scared her into lying about DeLuca...she would have been responsible for bringing him down a long time ago.
That's the way the world works, though, the bad guys win far more often than the good guys do.
But there's days like today. The rare exceptions to the rule.
And that exception is staring at me from across the cafeteria looking like he's about to piss himself.
My guess, would be because rumor amongst us jailers is...that 14 years ago, he pinned the murder of a prestigious officer on two rival gang members.
I look at him and give him a great big smile and he flinches. He was so freaked out about sharing a cell with me, he purposely hit his head against the sink and has been hauled up in the infirmary for the past few days.
But he's out today.
And no matter where Ford turns, he's up shits creek without a paddle.
The rival gangs want a piece of him. Any man with a teenage daughter wants a piece of him. Even DeLuca's inside people want a piece of him, now that Ricardo's taken over.
And then there's the guards.
The guards who heard the latest rumor. The guards who despise the dirty cop who backstabbed their own partner and set up his death. The guards who despise the dirty cop who's in here for sexually assaulting their dead partner's teenage daughter.
That's the funny thing about perception...sometimes, it really is everything.
He's as skittish as a kitten when he makes his way over to me.
I manage to keep my joy in check. “Hi, Ford. How are you doing on this beautiful day here at Rikers?”
“Look, Jackson. I'm going, to be honest with you,” he says and I try not to laugh in his face. “I was hoping to bury the hatchet. We're cellmates and—”
“You set me up.” I turn to face him. “Why in the world would I ever help you?”
His shoulders slump. “I was only trying to do the right thing for her. You can't blame me for loving her. I know you do, too. And face it, Jackson. You and I aren't really all that different. You're a murderer. And I'm—”
“You're what, Ford?”
He looks away. “I set people up for murders. The point is that we're not good people. So don't act like you're so much better than me. But I think if we work together in here, we might stand a chance.”
I almost choke on my barely edible food. “I'm doing just fine on my own.”
He makes a sweeping motion with his hands. “Yeah, right now. But sooner or later, you're going to need a favor. You're going to need to—”
I stab my food with my fork. “Make a deal?”
He sits closer to me and it takes everything in me not to throw him off his chair. “Yes. You're going to need someone in here who has your back. You're going to need someone in here who will take care of you.”
That's when I laugh. “Are you offering to be my boyfriend, Ford?”
He makes a face. “What? No.”
“Too bad, that's the way it works in here.”
He looks horrified. “You can't be serious. For Christ's sake, we were both in love with the same girl. “
“A girl that I'm no longer going to see...thanks to you.”
He swallows hard. “So, are you saying that you want me to—”
I give him a smirk. “Be my bitch. Yeah. That's exactly what I'm saying.”
He stays silent. I can see him mulling his options and I'm loving every second of this. I push my tray away. “You know, I'm still having trouble figuring out why you're here talking to me. What exactly is it that you want?”
The funny thing is I already know exactly what he wants. He has no control, no power, he's helpless.
Just like how he made Alyssa feel.
He looks around the cafeteria. “I need protection. You know what they'll do to me in here. I need your help, Jackson.”
That's when I stand up. “What are you willing to do for it?” I whisper.
He looks up at me and panic flashes across his face. “I'll do a-anything. Just help me. Please.”
I adjust myself in front of him and raise an eyebrow. “Then get on your knees.”
He looks around the cafeteria again. “Right here? Now?” he croaks.
“Yup. I want everyone to know that you're my bitch.”
To my absolute delight. He slinks down in his chair until he's on his knees. “Now close your eyes.”
After he closes them I back up and another inmate hands me a crowbar. I'll have to thank Ricardo for paying off the guard for me.
“Open your mouth for me, whore.”
He winces and opens his mouth.
That's when I thrust the crowbar in his mouth.
His eyes fly open and the look is priceless. Pure fear. I'm pretty sure there's a puddle of his urine on the ground.
He starts choking and trembling. “Yeah, you like that? Of course, you do, you little slut.”
He tries to move his mouth away but I don't let up. “Yeah, you heard me. You worthless slut.”
There's cheering around the cafeteria and I give him a megawatt smile. “Figure your own way out of this mess, Ford. I suggest you whore yourself around because that's all you're good for. Now, get the fuck away from me.”
I take the crowbar out of his mouth and hold it above his head because I want him to know what that feels like, too.
He scampers away and cowers.
Just like the vermin he is.
***
“You have visitors, Reid.”
I walk into the visiting room and my eyes immediately connect with Alyssa's.
As happy as I am to see her, I already told her that I didn't want her to visit. Visitation at Rikers is practically an all day event and it's not always safe.
Especially when she comes here looking like that. She's wearing one of my t-shirts and a pair of jeans. Her still dark glossy hair is hanging loose and she's glowing.
She looks so beautiful it hurts to breathe. I'm actually thankful that Ricardo and Tyrone came here with her.
My heart sinks when I look at Tyrone. I can't believe he came all the way here to see me. He has enough of his own problems right now.
Ricardo's the first one to give me a hug. I didn't think it was possible but we've grown even closer after what happened.
In part, due to the three-hour visit that we had when I first got here. He opened up to me and told me the truth about everything. When he left, we both practically had tears in our eyes. He also offered to do what DeLuca did for me. He offered to pay off the judge and have evidence planted again, but I declined.
He said he would figure something else out, but I told him that unless it was legit, I wasn't interested.
I want to be free on my own merits, even though a big part of me knows that won't ever happen.
I hug Tyrone next and seeing him in his wheelchair kills me. He gives me that look that tells me he's doing okay and follows it up with a smile. I smile back because I know that he's going to pull through this.
Finally, I turn and face Alyssa.
Then I force myself to back away. She looks hurt, and I hate myself for doing that to her. But I can't kiss her. I can't hug her. I can't touch her because if I do I'm afraid I won't ever stop. I'll unravel and I won't make it through prison if that happens.
We all sit down at the table and Ricardo's the first to speak. “I hired a lawyer for you. He's the best on the East Coast.”
My ears start ringing because this whole thing is all too familiar. “I told you I wanted everything to be legit.”
“It is,” he assures me.
“I wish you wouldn't waste your money. I'm not getting out of here. The prosecutor’s going to have a field day with me because they know that I don't regret it. They know that I'm going to accept whatever happens. There's no point in fighting this.”
Ricardo lets out a frustrated sigh.
Tyrone looks pissed and opens his mouth to argue, but Alyssa stands up and puts her hands on her hips. “Ricardo, do you think you can distract the guards for a little? I need to speak to Jackson alone.”
“You got it,” Ricardo says before him and Tyrone leave.
The slap across my face knocks me for a loop. “Snap out of it, Jackson!” Alyssa screams.
I stare at her wide-eyed. “There's nothing to snap out of. I love you but I need you to come to terms with this. I need you to find someone else. Someone who's good. Someone who can take care of you an—”
She sits back down and points a finger at me. “Shut up. There is no one else, there will never be anyone else. I know you're scared because of the first time you were in prison. I get it. I know you've given up all hope of the system working in your favor but you can't. I still believe that good things can happen. I haven't in awhile, but I do now, Jackson.”
“I wish you wouldn't because it will only hurt you in the end. And I don't want to hurt you, Alyssa.”
She leans forward. “There's still some good in the world.” Her brow crinkles. “Now can you do something for me? Please?”
“You know I will.”
“I just need you to believe. Believe in me. Believe in yourself.”
She stands up and reaches for my hand before placing it over her stomach. “Believe in us. Because I do.”
Her stomach feels just like it always has, but for some reason, my heart rate skyrockets and I've never felt more nauseous in my life. “Alyssa, why did you put my hand on your stomach?”
She plays with her necklace. “Because I know deep down that you're scared. And I think you need some extra strength. But I know you can do it. I know you can get through this.” She places her hand over mine. “You're not getting rid of us. We're going to be a team for life.”
Tears sting my eyes as I remember everything she told me about the last conversation with her father.
And that's when I realize.
She said us.
“How? Not that I'm not—” I pause because I really don't know what I am.
Actually, I do. I'm fucking scared out of my mind. This is a different kind of scared that I've never experienced before.
But I'm strangely happy, too. Christ, does that even make any sense?
“I didn't think to use a backup when I was sick and on antibiotics. I'm sorry. I know it's not ideal. I know our situation is completely—” she pauses and exhales.
I place my hands on her hips and move her closer to me. “Scary?” I offer.
She blinks away tears. “Yeah. It is...but I know we can do this. No matter what happens. We'll get through this somehow. I don't give a fuck what the rest of the world thinks about you. Our baby will know their daddy is a good man, because they will know you.”
She runs her hand through my hair and I place a kiss on her belly. “Okay.” A sense of calm washes over me. “No matter what happens, I'll still believe in us.”
I stand up and give her a hug. Ricardo and Tyrone's eyes meet mine. They both pat the spot over their heart and I smile.
Our visit ends after that but Ricardo walks over to me right before the guards take me away.
“Make sure you go to the recreation room tonight.”
“Why?”
He starts walking. “Because there's a television in there.”
“And by the way, you have a meeting with your new lawyer tomorrow,” he calls out before he walks out the door.