IT’S BEEN A WEEK SINCE Liam stood at my front door and hugged my daughter goodbye.
A week of silence from him.
A week of me missing him fiercely.
A week of realizing that continuing to push him away will be fruitless, because in this week I’ve craved him with an unhealthy degree.
It baffles me that he could be under my skin, so deeply imbedded this soon. While we’ve known each other for almost two years—or at least that’s how long it’s been since I was first introduced to everyone at Cohen’s going away party. In that two years we’ve been thrown together at various parties, group nights out, and basically whenever Dani pulled me out of the house when I would get too consumed with work. For the last six months of those two years though he hadn’t hidden his attraction. Little touches here and there¸ the casual brush of his skin when he would walk by, or most recently—after Dani and Cohen’s wedding—our shared night of the hottest sex I’ve ever had.
I think it was during the paintball game that I realized he had started to burrow under my skin. When I looked at him, his knee-melting smile shining bright, and felt my gut get tight . . . that’s when I knew how much trouble I was in.
Then he held me in his arms while I completely lost my shit and ever since I felt his arms wrapped tight around me in comfort, I’ve been craving that feeling for every second of every day since he walked out my door.
“What are you thinking about that has that frown making an appearance?” Dani questions.
“Just thinking,” I tell her.
I look up from where I had been signing the last of my book orders and look around my dining room table. She isn’t focused on me, instead on packaging the last book that I had slid her way. I watch as she handles the paperback with so much care, her eyes rolling over her fingertips as she touches the glossy cover. Moving my gaze from hers, I look over at Maddi and Stella, who have been helping me get together my weekly mail outs.
This—having them in this part of my life—was a huge step for me this week. It was part one of my plan to let those walls crumble and what better way than finally letting them see all of me. Dani, of course, knew but it was news to the other girls.
“Thinking about Lee?” Maddi probes.
I take a deep breath, “Yes.”
Dani stops what she’s doing and snaps her eyes to me, causing me to laugh.
“Shocked I admitted to it?” I jokingly ask.
“Well, uh . . . yeah.”
“She’s played stupid long enough, figured one of these times she would open up,” Stella mumbles.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Dani continues, ignoring Stella’s comment.
“Yes,” I breathe.
Her eyes widen a fraction because she carefully closes her shock down. Or maybe it’s excitement. Either one, what my friend is not hiding is her happiness that the subject isn’t being dropped.
“So, all right. Let’s do this,” Maddi exclaims, rubbing her hands together.
I laugh, letting some of the nerves leave my body. These are my friends. I’m safe here. They won’t judge me and they won’t think badly of me. I keep reminding myself that there is nothing to be afraid of as each of them sit back and wait for me to speak.
“Uh,” I stammer. “So you know he’s been . . . persistent?”
Maddi laughs, “Is that what we’re going to call it?
“Okay, maybe adorably annoying with his determination would be better?”
They all laugh at me and my nerves ease instantly.
“Don’t keep us waiting, Megan! What is going on up there?” Maddi asks on a laugh, reaching over the table to tap me lightly against my temple.
I swat her hand, enjoying the easy banter between us. Sobering slightly, allowing the serious thoughts I had been having minutes earlier to come back, I look at each of these girls that have come to mean so much to me.
“Things got a little intense last week,” I start. Each of them lose a little of their smiles. “I guess. . . . well, I—damn this was so much easier to word in my thoughts.”
“Just start from the beginning, babe, can’t see a better way to clue us in on what’s weighing heavy on your mind.”
I give Dani a small nod and a weak smile when she stops talking.
“The beginning, right.” I look over at Maddi and Stella. “Do you two know about . . . did you hear that we, uh, had a little sleepover?”
They look at me and I can tell they’re both struggling to hold onto their laughter. Did I just really call it a sleepover?
“I hope it wasn’t little,” Maddi belts out, causing Dani and Stella to erupt in giggles as my face heats to a roaring burn.
“Oh, God!” I clasp my hand over my mouth and shake my head.
“Is that a no? It wasn’t little?” Stella giggles.
I look at her and narrow my eyes. “For your information, not that it’s any of your business, he is far from little. In fact, he was so, uh, well endowed, he had to really work at it!”
Shit. Dammit. Did I really just admit that?
“Explain,” Stella says, leaning forward, her face the picture of seriousness.
“No, please don’t,” Dani gripes.
“Ignore her. Finish. Explain.”
“Jesus, Stell . . . that’s Lee you’re talking about.”
“Lee has a dick, rightowardt. He’s always been selective with who he dates and you know just as well as I do that he didn’t bring anyone into our group so I never got to grill anyone. I’m curious, screw me. I bet he’s hung. He’s hung, right?”
“Do you want a tissue for that drool?” Maddi mumbles and rolls her eyes.
“Maybe, I don’t know yet. Finish!”
“This is so embarrassing,” I tell Stella, then look to the other two girls. “If you don’t want to hear it, cover your ears or leave the room.”
Dani instantly pulls her hands to her ears and starts humming, loudly. Maddi makes not one move to shield her hearing; she just cocks her brow and waits.
Looking back at Stella with burning cheeks, I give her what she wants. “He was so large that he had to work me over twice with his mouth, then again with his fingers. By the time he finally gave me every single thick inch of himself I should have been embarrassed with how wet I was. Happy?”
Stella throws her head back, her recently dyed purple hair falling in a thick wave of curls as she laughs at the top of her voice. Maddi on the other hand is just smiling and nodding her head. When I look over at Dani she looks like she might puke, obviously she wasn’t humming loud enough.
Pulling her hands away, she looks at Stella. “You are sick, my friend. God, I’m never going to be able to look at him the same again.”
My face flames even brighter.
“There isn’t a thing you should be getting so worked up about over there. Jesus, Megan, you would think you were a virgin with all the blushing you’re doing.”
I narrow my eyes at Stella.
“I told you what you wanted to know, no need to be rude now.”
“I’m not,” she says in an offended tone. “I swear. I just want you to feel comfortable with us. Promise.”
Maddi reaches out, all traces of joking gone from not only her supportive gesture, but also her expression holding nothing but understanding. “He was—please don’t think I’m being insensitive here—the first? Since Jack?”
I nod.
“There isn’t one thing that you can’t talk to us about, you know that?” she continues and waits for my confirmation that I understand before opening her mouth again. “What was Jack like?”
Given the subject of our chat, her meaning can’t be missed.
Step two in knocking those walls down, here I come.
Time to stop holding back when it comes to telling people about my past.
“Timid,” I tell them truthfully. “The first time we had sex it was so awkward. We had been nothing but friends, but with where we were at that point in our relationship, it was the next logical step.”
True enough, I tell myself.
“And after that first time?” Maddi requests, clearly deciding she’s the self-appointed leader of questions since I opened up to her first.
“A little less timid, but still awkward.” Instantly I feel my stomach start to cramp. Admitting how our relationship had been to myself had been hard enough, but letting others know is a whole new level of painful. Not to mention it feels like I’m stomping on his grave mentioning how unfulfilling our sex life was. “I loved him, but we were probably the most dysfunctional couple in the history of ever inside the bedroom.” My words come out quickly. Just like ripping off a BandAid.
I can tell they don’t understand. Of course they don’t, they only know half the story.
“Okay,” Maddi coughs. “So, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that those times you were together were few and far between? I mean no disrespect, I promise, I’m just trying to understand.”
I give her a small smile.
Give them more, Megs. It’s okay.
I shiver when I hear Jack’s voice in my mind. Well, not his voice, I’m sure. If my mind wants to play tricks on me so that I keep going, fine. I can’t go back to the old Megan.
Baby steps.
“He was deployed during most of my pregnancy and was only home for two weeks after her birth. He shipped back out again and the only other time he was home was for a few months when she was one. He died during that tour shortly after Molly turned eighteen months. Needless to say, he was gone a lot, but even when he was home . . .”
I trail off and remember those times he was home. Those times had been all about Molly. He loved her so ferociously. We did things as a family and when Molly had been asleep for hours, we did what we had always done best, spent long hours just enjoying the other’s companionship. Hours spent reading to each other, him enjoying some of my books or whatever project I was working on, sometimes just helping me hash out some plot point I had been stuck on. He was huge on board games. We would spend so many hours just laughing over whichever game we had picked up.
What we didn’t do often was have sex.
“We slept together the night before he shipped off . . . that last time, and that was almost four years ago.”
Dani reaches up and brushes a tear off her cheek.
“I loved him,” I meekly say in Jack’s defense. And I did.
“We know you did, babe. No one here thinks differently,” Maddi speaks first and the others nod in agreement.
I take a huge breath. Then another. Then I speak again. “That night, with Liam, I felt the earth move.”
Stella snorts when Dani gags and just like that, the heavy mood is lifted.
“Go on,” Maddi encourages.
“The way he touched me. The way that felt. The way he felt. All of him. His strong body covering mine made me feel delicate . . . fragile. And the way he talked to me, my God the way his words alone worked me up should be illegal.”
“Okay, so Lee is good in bed, can we please move on!?” Dani snaps.
“Figured he would be,” Stella laughs and sticks her tongue out when Dani huffs.
“So then what happened?”
I look over at Maddi and smile. “Paintball happened.”
She gives me a look, not following. Stella gives a ‘huh’ and Dani oddly smiles all wonky.
“Did you say, paintball?” Stella questions.
I smile, mine feeling just as wonky as Dani’s is.
“Well, I guess the bar night happened first. He showed up and laid it out that he was done with me avoiding him—which I had done since that night—and thus began the annoying persistence.”
My smile, which had started out smallish on the wonky scale, was full out cheek hurting now.
“The next day he had told me he would be around my house at noon. I, of course, made it my mission to be gone. He tracked me down at Target an hour before noon and, well . . . then paintball.”
Maddi tilts her head. “Paintball?”
“It was the most fun I had had in years, Maddi. It’s like Liam knew just what I needed. The rush, that feeling of adrenaline tipping over until you’re so full of it that you might explode, it was incredible.”
“All right, so paintball,” Stella stammers. “So weird.”
“Then what happened?” Dani says a little too excited.
My cheek-burning smile slips. Then Dani’s follows.
“Then I proceeded to flip out after he brought me home. Well, after Nate had brought Molly home.”
Dani’s shoulders drop. “I know, I told you I was sorry about that, but you try fighting off a man over a foot taller than you when he locks you in your son’s bedroom and yells through the door that he’s taking the cutest girl in the world on a date. I swear, he kidnapped her right from my house.” She crosses her arms over her chest and leans back in a huff.
She had explained to me earlier in the week that her ‘time out’ had been more like Nate imposed jail time while he stole my kid. I can’t be mad about it. I know Molly is safe with him and he took her carseat out of Dani’s car so that she would be safe in his truck.
I give her a smile, “It’s okay, really. Molly loves Nate and honestly it was the best thing that could have happened.”
“Now explain that!” Stella gasps.
With my eyes never leaving Dani’s so that she knows I mean what I’m saying, I continue. “Seeing Molly, so innocent and happy while playing around with Liam and Nate, I realized that by keeping myself closed off from everyone, that I was keeping her locked away from those relationships too. I was, in a sense, keeping her in that limbo I was in. Long story short, she brought it all to light while two grown men acted like my house was a wrestling mat. It was time for me to move on. So, yeah . . . I broke down and Liam found me losing my mind on my bathroom floor. He wouldn’t give up either. I may have come to the self-realization that I was teaching my daughter to fear life, but he hammered the nail home when he helped me see she was breaking free no matter how hard I held her back. I was just too far in my head to see it.”
They don’t speak but I can tell the room had lost all traces of earlier hopefulness. It dawns on me, in that moment, that they haven’t just wanted me to hook up with Liam, they really want me with him. They’ve been rooting for us long before they let on to it.
“It’s okay,” I tell them. “I’m okay.”
“Sorry, babe, but all that doesn’t really give me the reassurance that you’re okay. We worry about you,” Dani states.
“I really am, Dani. It hurt, God it hurt, but it needed to happen. Things got a little heated between us, and not in the good kind of heated. I said some things I didn’t mean and he once again was all Liam. Fully honest and didn’t hold back. He gave me the words I needed to help me take the final step.”
Dani’s brows curl in, her beautiful face turning from worried to confused. “Final step to what?”
I hear Liam’s parting words filter through my mind and with a smile I tell them, “Grab the rope.”