I’M GOING TO PUKE.
Maybe.
Probably.
“Is he here yet, Mommy?”
“Not yet, little bird,” I tell Molly and laugh when her little lips pull into a frown.
To say my daughter is excited would be a great understatement.
“Come here, baby. He’ll be here soon and then you can tell him all about our day.”
She climbs into my lap and settles in to wait. Sofia the First fills the room and I settle back with her curled against me and think about how the morning went.
It wasn’t the same madness that had met me the last time I picked her up from the Reid’s. Since I didn’t arrive until well after lunch—thanks to a very long shower with Lee—Axel had already left for work, dragging Nate with him to ‘learn the ropes,’ according to a laughing Izzy. I think Izzy could tell my nerves were sparked bright. Her knowing eyes spoke volumes. Of course, she also knew that I spent the night with Lee since the first words I stuttered were just that.
“I think Lee is my boyfriend,” I told her with my cheeks flaming.
Izzy had barked out a laugh and pulled me into a tight hug.
“That’s just their way, honey. His father was the same way with Dee. Axel the same with me. Greg and Melissa. Maddox and Emmy. Asher and Chelcie. My sweet Dani with Cohen. Heck, even Davey had his moment with Sway. These men, it’s just how they are. When they set their minds to something there is nothing and no one that will hold them back. And sweetheart, before you even let this thought take root in your mind, when they know, they know and they know in a way that sticks forever.”
Of course that did nothing but make me freak out even further, causing Izzy to laugh harder, and Molly to join in while dancing in circles around us. I came down from my freak out . . . until I got my little bird home and while I watched her pick and peck at her snack, my nerves climbed once again.
I should have known better. With Molly, there needed to be no doubt.
Leaning my head back, I settle in for our wait and playback my conversation with Molly.
“Mommy, what did Mrs. Izzy mean? About being sticky forever?”
I turn my head from the counter I had been wiping—the same spot for the last five minutes—while staring off into space. Her brown eyes full of curiosity smile up at me from the table.
“Not sticky forever, little bird. She was talking about a feeling, kind of. She meant it like how I love you will be a feeling that sticks to me like yummy, chewed up bubble gum.”
Her nose crinkles and her lips twist in a way that I know she’s holding in a giggle. “That’s gross, Mommy!” she tells me seconds before peals of laughter come bubbling out of her mouth. “I don’t want to stick to you with chewy bubblegum!”
Smiling, I move from the counter and over to sit next to my sweet, full-of-love, daughter.
“It’s a little different than that, sweets, that’s just the best way to explain it.”
She stops laughing out loud, but those eyes of hers are still burning with amusement. I watch her expressive face as she thinks about what Izzy told me and what I just told her. And then I watch as all of it plugs into the right plugs and the connection is made.
“Who do you want to stick to with chewy bubblegum, Mommy?”
Ah, my smart little bird. She’s always been so wise beyond her five small years.
“I don’t want to stick to anyone with yucky, chewy bubblegum,” I laugh.
Her small hand comes out and falls on top of where I have mine placed on the table. Small thumb rubbing and little pink tipped nails going up and down in a thoughtful wave as she looks at me.
“Yes you do.”
“No, baby. Just you.”
“You’re silly, mommy bird!”
“And you’re sillier, little bird.”
Her fingers continue their light thumping against my skin and I watch her eyes get soft and full of love, all for me.
“You told Mrs. Izzy that Leelee is your boyfriend. Is he the one you want to stick to with chewy bubblegum?”
Ah.
There it is.
My opening to tell her.
And my opening for a spiked up, nerve filled, freak out.
I went over this a million times since Lee left and I picked up Molly. How much to tell her. How to tell her. Is it too soon? How she would feel. Every possible thought of fear, followed by excitement, and then back to fear mixed with worry.
But my little bird is smart. Smart and knowing. And more importantly, I owe it to her to be honest about our future.
A future that I hope to God will be filled with Lee.
“I wouldn’t want to be stuck to him with chewy bubblegum, but yes, sweets, I would very much love to be stuck with him.”
“Like that time my arms got stuck in my swim wings? When you couldn’t get them off?”
My smile grew as some of those nerves let go of their strong hold. “Something like that, little bird.”
“Will Leelee come over for tea parties now?”
“Yeah, baby, I think so.”
“Will Leelee make you smile all the time?”
Oh. My. God.
“You make me smile all the time.”
Her head tilts and she smiles a smile that is so small you almost can’t tell it’s there. It’s a sad smile. One that I know—and hate—that I’ve put on her face.
“Not all the time. You don’t smile all the time.”
“Oh, baby. Come here.”
She makes quick work of pulling out from the table and into my lap. I wrap my arms around her and hold her as tight as she’s holding me.
“Mommy was sad for a long time, little bird. I’m so sorry for that. For not smiling all the time. I missed your daddy a lot and for a long time my missing him was too hard to smile.”
“You smile a lot now,” she mumbles into my chest.
“Yeah, sweets, I do.”
“Does that mean you don’t miss Daddy?”
I tighten my embrace before moving my hands under her arms and moving her body so that she can see my eyes.
“No, honey. I miss your daddy a lot and I always will, but the way I miss him is different than it was then. When he went to heaven, I missed him so much that all I could see was how much I missed him. I got lost for a while, baby, and I couldn’t remember the way. You gave me my smiles, smiles so bright that you helped me light up the way then and you still do, but for a long time all I could see was your smiles but not the way they wanted me to go. Those smiles made me happy even though I missed your daddy and because I missed your daddy so much, I thought a lot of sad things for a long time. But, now Mommy can see again. I can see my way that I had lost for a little while and, little bird, it’s a beautiful path, so full of beautiful flowers, rainbows, and blue skies forever and ever. Now I can hold your hand and we can run through the flowers together. But, even while we run we can still miss Daddy. We just miss him in a different way.”
“That sounds nice, Mommy.”
“Yeah, honey, really nice.”
“Will Leelee be with us when we run through flowers?”
My smile grows and I look into her very hopeful gaze and with a lightness I haven’t ever felt in all of my years, I tell her, “Yes, Molly. He’s going to come and run with us through the flowers and we’re going to chew bubblegum and be stuck forever.”
Her eyes light up and her face is the picture of joy.
“And we can have lots and lots of tea parties and makeupovers when we run in the flowers!”
After our talk, she went back to her snack and talked about Lee all afternoon. I let her know that he would be over for dinner later and I didn’t think she would ever come down from that high.
Which brings us to now. My daughter, so full of eagerness over the night, that even with her favorite show on television, her eyes are glued to the hallway that leads to the front door.
I look at the clock, for the hundredth time in seconds, just as the front door thumps and the bell echoes through the house.
Molly’s head snaps up and with wide, happy, eyes whispers, “He’s here,” before scampering off my lap, elbowing me—twice—in the ribs, and running as fast as her little legs will take her to the door.
“Molly, don’t open that door until I’m there!” I yell, coming off the couch quickly.
“Too late,” I hear and my nerves flutter like a million butterflies in my gut, rooting me in place.
“Mommy! Mommy! Leelee is here . . . and, and . . . and HE HAS FLOWERS!”
A head to toe tingle starts taking over my body. My lips curve and I move forward with the largest beaming grin on my face.
I walk forward and around the wall that separates the living room from the front door and stop dead at the sight that meets me.
Lee is holding my daughter in his strong arms while her face—bright with the happiness she is feeling—is stuffed into a small bundle of light pink roses. I look from her with wonderment to Lee’s arm that isn’t holding her tight to see another bundle—this one much larger—of more roses.
I don’t move.
His brow tips up and I know he’s wondering if he overstepped. This big, confident man that has gone after me with steadfast determination, is actually unsure and that has my feet moving before I can even process a single move I make. When my body hits his, the force of which I clearly didn’t process, he rocks back slightly before his arm comes up and wraps around my shoulders. I reach out and pull my arms around both him and Molly, then shove my head into his neck.
“If you brought bubblegum, I swear I’ll cry right now,” I mumble into his skin before both Molly and I laugh so hard he has no choice but to hold onto us both a little tighter.