IT’S BEEN A MONTH SINCE I lost my mind over Lee’s job. A month of him handling me with care, but also a month that’s been full of healing. It’s been hard at times, but he’s been there for every stumble to help pick me back up. At his urging I started seeing a grief counselor. I’ll admit now that it’s a step I should have taken on my own years ago, but with both of their help, I’ve been able to let go of almost all of my pain. Lee started coming to my twice a week meetings at the counselor’s urging. It started about three weeks after I started going and I’m glad I made that step. Having him with me, his hand in mine, was a strength I needed to get through some hard memories.
It was also through those meetings that he made it clear, sometimes with and sometimes without words that a huge part of him fell in love with me because of my strength. I didn’t understand it, because I’ve felt nothing but weakness, but Lee told me, in those meetings, that only a person with a strength of an army would keep fighting to live. I couldn’t see it, living in pain, but he’s right—something I can see now—I’ve been fighting my whole life. Losing Jack was a hard blow and even though it took me a long time to battle the depression his death set upon me, I never gave up.
Another milestone that we made as our new threesome, was Lee’s relationship with Molly. I haven’t been shocked that she fell into her love for him easily, that’s just who Molly is. She doesn’t doubt her feelings.
Needless to say, they have been inseparable. Regardless of if we’re at our house, his, or out, my daughter is always as close as she can get to him. Lee and I talked about it and we both agree that it is just the way Molly is. She wants him to know how much he means to her, but because she’s so young she doesn’t know how to verbalize it, instead she gives him what she can. Herself.
Seeing them together was a big part in my healing. Seeing that she loves him as much as I do, gives me the reassurance that we’re where we’re meant to be.
Lee showed me again how big his heart was when he fell into his new role as a father figure with effortless ease. His protective nature only adding to the power in which his bond formed with her. You can tell, there is nothing but love that he feels for his girls.
And that’s what we’ve become—gladly—to him. We’re his girls and he . . . he is our man.
Today is my last step in letting go. One that I’ve been putting off, but now I know needs to happen for us all to move on completely pain free. I don’t think I was putting it off because I wasn’t ready, but more that I didn’t know how to do it or what to say.
How do you tell your dead husband that you’ve moved on?
I look up and see Lee walking with Molly as I trail behind them. When we got to the graveyard he had asked for me to give him a second and then took off in the direction I had told him when he asked where Jack was. When he reached his hand out for Molly’s my reaction couldn’t be stopped. I gasped, but Lee being his confident self, just gave me soft eyes.
Which leads me to now, as I watch them strolling through the headstones hand in hand. I move to a bench about ten paces from Jack’s spot and wait. I used to only come every month, sometimes when the pain was too much, I wouldn’t come until it eased up a little. Now, for the last year, I’ve been coming with Molly every two weeks. This, however, is the first time we’ve asked Lee to come.
Lee stops and I see him reading over the headstone, then he kneels and pulls Molly closer. Her little arms hug his back and her head turns to rest against his shoulder.
When his lips start moving, facing Jack, my heart speeds up and deep down I know he isn’t talking to Molly. She doesn’t move, but her arm pulls his shirt as her fist grabs hold of the material.
Call it an invasion of his privacy, whatever you want, but nothing in that moment could have kept me from walking over. My eyes don’t leave where they’re at, his head turns but his words don’t stop and he turns back, acknowledging that I’m coming regardless, but he doesn’t stop.
Then his words hit my ears.
And if I had any fears left in my body about this new path for Molly and me, they vanished in a heartbeat.
“Like I said, you don’t know me, but I like to think we would have gotten along. Hell, we might have played golf on my off days, had beers while watching the game, who knows. I hate thinking it, because it isn’t fair that you lost your way, but when you did, it made it possible for me to find mine. It gave me my girls and I wouldn’t be the man I am right now without their love. Rest easy knowing that not a day will pass that I won’t make sure they know how grateful I am that I’ve been given that gift. Not a day will pass that I don’t show them how much I love them in return. I’ll fight to keep them safe. I would give my own life to make that promise a reality if need be. And one day, if Molly decides it so, I hope to share the title you had while in her world, but if that day never comes, I’ll still love her as if she was my own. I owe you my thanks and so much more for loving Megan and bringing her everything she needed while you were here. You have no worries now, brother, knowing that I’ll do everything in my power to give them the world. They’ve both given me everything I’ve dreamt of just by handing over their love and I’ll never take that for granted.”
My God.
This man.
I move forward and take the last two steps that take me to his side. My hand comes out and I run my fingers through his hair.
“Hey, Jack,” I say and continue my sweep of his thick hair. “I guess you met Lee.”
I hear both Lee and Molly laugh, but I keep my eyes pinned to the stone in front of me.
“I miss you, Jack.” I tell the stone. “I miss you, but that’s okay. It doesn’t hurt anymore.” Lee’s hand moves and I feel him reach out to grab the hand that isn’t playing with his hair. I can’t stop my movements. Touching Lee, having that, is keeping me grounded right now. “Molly is so big. The top of her head hits Lee right at his belt. She does this really cute thing when she sees him in uniform—he’s a cop, you know—and thinks it’s hilarious that she can’t give him a hug with his belt on because all of his special police stuff whomps her in the head.” I take a deep breath, calming my racing heart and hopefully stopping my rambling. “Anyway. I’m happy, Jack. So happy that sometimes I think my heart is going to burst right out of my body. I get these waves in my stomach when Lee’s around and sometimes I feel like I might puke,” I stop when I feel Lee’s body moving as he laughs. “What?”
“Darlin’, not sure it’s a good thing I make you want to puke,” he laughs.
“Mommy that’s icky,” Molly chimes in.
I roll my eyes at the stone and continue. “Anyway. I feel, Jack, I feel so much and for a long while I didn’t feel anything. You left and I just felt emptiness and pain. Now it’s like I feel everything, but those feelings are amplified. It’s so beautiful.”
The headstone doesn’t reply. The breeze around us picks up and I smile into the wind.
“I love you, Jack. You gave me and Molly a beautiful life and even though you had to leave us, that beautiful life turned into a beautiful forever.”
Lee’s hand gives me another squeeze and I lose my hold on his hair when he stands, taking Molly up with him. His arm goes around my shoulders and when I’m pulled into his side, I wrap my arms around him. In the end, both Molly and I have Lee in the circle of our arms as he holds us tight.
“You gave me the world, Jack. I can never thank you enough for that kind of gift. Rest easy.”
Molly looks away from Lee when he finishes and whispers toward the stone, “I love you, Daddy.”
And with dry eyes watching the wind quiet, I tell my husband goodbye. “We love you, forever, Jack. We’ll miss you just as long. I know somewhere up there you’re smiling huge and loving the fact that I’m living a life that’s full and I promise you that I will take each day head on looking forward to that beauty.”
When we turn to walk back to Lee’s truck, not once do any one of us let our hold slip.