The drive home from Mario’s was a blur I didn’t remember. Standing in the entryway of the mother-in-law house with the door wide open was difficult as I tried to let my walls down. My fingers quaked as I lightly touched the brass handle Madelyn gripped when she walked in on us that night. The sharp pangs of disappointment and bitter betrayal she experienced were nearly palpable if I closed my eyes.
Across the room, there was complex history between Adam and I, so many emotions swirling together in an invisible cloud of desire and lust. And that was one night out of many—the memories took my breath away.
I could almost see us in our past fiery embrace.
I could almost taste the whisper of his soft kiss on my lips.
I could almost hear the sound of my pulse racing when I caught him staring at me.
I could almost feel the echo of his hands claiming my body.
I could almost smell the comfort his aftershave gave me.
But “almost” wasn’t enough. Every sense failed at giving me absolution if it ever existed.
That situation haunted me like no other. But all of it was only a tainted memory, a ghost. None of it was real and never could be again. All I was left with was lack of closure and a sense of inescapable loneliness. And for the rest of my life, those demons would be shackled to me without a skeleton key. It was my own damn fault, and I’d earned that punishment.
I took a deep breath and closed the door behind me, resting my back against the heavy wood paneling. It was fortunate I was separated from the rest of the house. With heaving sobs escaping my chest, I let myself sink to the floor, my cheek pressed to the cold linoleum. The wails were relentless and took hold until there were no more tears left to shed.
* * *
The next day, I woke up to the sound of my phone vibrating on the night stand, dancing its way toward the edge. I fumbled for it with one eye open, waiting for the red numbers on the alarm clock to come into focus. Three minutes after eight o’clock. My uncle’s name popped up on the screen of my cell with a text message.
Ty
Reply to this when you have a chance. No rush.
I drummed my fingers against the itchy comforter, wondering if I should respond immediately to express interest or if that would make me look too desperate. I bit my lip. Maybe waiting an hour would be better. Ehhh. Desperation won the battle while my fingers flew across the keys.
Ty
What’s up?
Sorry I had to bail last night. I talked to Adam this morning. Are you available to come in and chat? I’d rather have this conversation in person instead of over text.
My heart lurched in my chest as the prior evening came flooding back and smacked me in the face with brute force. It was over. Adam ratted me out and provided Ty with his unsavory opinion, sealing my fate on not having a job at Brennan Construction.
Reluctantly, I replied.
Ty
Sure. Does 10am work?
Sounds good. Don’t bother getting dressed up. Jeans are fine. What I have to say won’t take long.
Okay.
See you then.
There it sat. My future employment opportunity was about to be flushed down the toilet like a giant wad of toilet paper, and it took less than two minutes of text messaging with Ty and one fucked up dinner with Adam Rockwell. I was left to anticipate scolding and disappointment for another hour and fifty-five minutes. Make that fifty-four minutes. No matter how I spun it, confidence in my uncle’s wording was absent. Especially after I saw the look on Adam’s face when he sped off from Mario’s. Nothing good could come from it.
I thought back to our heated words, fully-aware my temper had gotten the best of me. It wasn’t pretty. Storming out of the restaurant was a newfound skill that probably wouldn’t make it onto my résumé. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I could’ve swayed the evening with Adam in a different direction, but I didn’t. I beat myself up, asking why. Maybe it was self-sabotage.
I walked into the bathroom and flinched when I saw my reflection in the mirror. One of my Brennan traits had reared its ugly head. Post-ugly cry face. Anytime I had a really good sob, I looked like hell the next day. My cheeks were blotchy and pink, eyes swollen and reduced to puffy, red-rimmed slits. Outside of wearing a brown paper bag over my head, there was little that could be done to remedy my face before the meeting. Hopefully, my uncle wouldn’t be frightened into making a Ty-shaped hole in the wall.
Absentmindedly, I went through the motions of taking a long shower before throwing on my favorite sweatshirt and faded jeans. It was the polar opposite of what I’d worn the night before, but if Ty was fine with casual, that’s what he was gonna get. Fuck it. I wasn’t about to dress up to get shut down. My Chucks were still near the front door along with a graveyard of wadded tissues I wasn’t ready to clean up. I grabbed a strawberry protein bar from my suitcase and pinned my hair up into a messy bun before beginning my walk toward the construction company.
“Blue!” Ralph called out, jogging to catch up to me. He had a book tucked under his arm.
“Ralph, I’m in a hurry.” I tried to brush him off by avoiding eye contact, even though the dark sunglasses took care of that.
He skidded to a stop in front of me. “This’ll only take a second.”
He was old. I tried to be polite and hear him out.
“Can you help with this?” He extended the book toward me. A yellow sticky note was on the front.
“I can’t find these two words in here,” he continued through his thick accent. “This dictionary is both useless and broken. That Merriam-Webster is a fool.”
I looked down at the sticky note. Written in shaky pencil were the words “perfusely” and “misterious”.
“Ralph—”
“Also,” he tapped the cover with his index finger, “the history of pheasants isn’t in here.”
I closed my eyes and with as much patience as I could muster, I explained the difference between an encyclopedia and a dictionary. Additionally, I suggested a spelling lesson.
The look on his face told me he didn’t believe I knew what I was talking about. “Okay. I’ll ask someone else. You go.”
“Oh! Here.” He handed me a plastic bag he held in his other hand.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“Plastic containers. From meals you’d sent over for me. I’m returning them.”
“The meals I sent?” My eyes got wide as I peeked inside the bag. The clear plastic still had bits of food clumped into the corners, now olive green and fuzzy.
Ralph’s wife had passed years prior, and he lived alone, his daughter out of state. On Sunday nights, I’d task Daveigh with taking him leftovers.
“And I thank you,” he said.
“You’re welcome? Ralph, I’ve been gone for nearly two years,” I replied.
“Better late than never, right?” He nodded once and walked back toward his driveway.
I headed around the side of the house and opened the trash can to throw in the bag of plastic dishes before I left. “Gross.”
I took a deep breath as I headed down the sidewalk. The air was both calm and still with the faint smell of rain lingering on the horizon. It reminded me of what happened before a big storm hit Steele Falls, and Zack’s words echoed in my head about the weather changing. Zack. The party. It was already Tuesday. Damn it.
I’d finished my near-flavorless breakfast that had the consistency of soggy cardboard by the time I walked up to the entrance of Brennan Construction. Absentmindedly, I took off my sunglasses, like I would before walking inside any building. The front doors closed behind me and was greeted by Rita, the wonder receptionist. At that moment, I wasn’t sure which of them left a worse taste in my mouth.
“Blue!” A fake grin manifested on Rita’s face as she perched a pair of rectangular-shaped reading glasses on her round face. “It’s so nice to see you again. Can I get you a cup of coffee or a cheese Danish from the break room? Made them myself.” She scrunched her nose and focused on my eyes. “Dear God, honey. What happened? You look awful. Did someone die?”
Evidently, I still looked like shit. “Actually, someone did die. The mayor’s husband. My step-father. Do you not keep up on town gossip?” I shot her a glare. She didn’t need to know Tom wasn’t the reason for yesterday’s tears. “No thanks on the coffee or the pastry though,” I replied, unwilling to return her phony smile. “Any other awkward questions you care to ask while I’m standing here? Wanna know what color my underwear are or how many men I’ve slept with? Maybe you’re wondering if the curtains match the carpet.”
Rita blinked rapidly. “I…”
I sighed, knowing I’d taken it a smidge too far. “Just let Ty know I’m here, please.”
“I’ll call him while you’re on your way up.” She dialed on a phone and glanced at me with concern spanning her face three times before nodding for me to continue through the double doors.
As I exited the elevator on the second floor and walked toward Ty’s office, I froze when someone rounded the corner at the end of the hall. Adam was headed in the opposite direction, bee-lining toward me while on his cell phone. He hadn’t seen me yet, his secondary focus on spinning a ring of keys in his hand. My watch indicated it was too late to turn around and run the other way. Two minutes until ten o’clock. I could either be a coward and bolt for the nearby stairwell or be on time for my meeting. Hello, big girl pants. We meet again. Guess that blueberry muffin of Cash’s wouldn’t have hurt my waistline after all.
My heart thudded in my chest as I tried to remain inconspicuous. It’d be a difficult feat considering we were the only two in the corridor. My goal was to be transparent while rushing by him. Be cool. Be casual. Walk. Maybe he won’t notice. Unfortunately, I failed and didn’t go undetected.
For a brief moment, his eyes locked with mine and his pace slowed, but I couldn’t pinpoint what his questioning expression conveyed. Horror? Pity? Curiosity? Maybe it was all three and he’d mastered the fine art of how to SHAT on me like Cash used to too.
“Fuck off, Rockwell,” I replied as I blasted past him with a hitch in my voice. Twice more, I glanced over my shoulder and he’d stopped in the hall with his head cocked to the side, watching me walk away.
When I was outside of Ty’s office and out of sight from any other Brennan Construction employees, I pulled the pair of oversized sunglasses from my tote bag again. After I put them on, I checked my reflection in the glass of a painting before knocking on the door. Much better.
“Come in,” Ty said.
I opened the door and walked inside, closing it quietly behind me, the bottom abutting the plush carpeting.
Like last time, my uncle welcomed me with open arms paired with a hug and a warm smile. It had to be a consolation prize before he unleashed the bad news. Could’ve won the trip to Tahiti, but instead Blue gets the booby prize. Score. “Have a seat.” He glanced at my eyewear for a few seconds, but didn’t question it.
There was another knock on the door as I set my bag on the floor and did what I was asked.
“Sorry,” Ty said to me with a sigh. “Come on in.”
The door opened and I craned my neck, immediately wishing I hadn’t.
Adam walked in, holding a stack of papers in one hand and his cell phone in the other. I was so concerned with passing him in the hallway, I hadn’t noticed he wasn’t in his muddy work gear like he had been the day prior. Instead, he was clean-shaven, his hair styled with just enough gel. I scanned him from head to toe. A powder blue-and-white striped button-up shirt. Dark slacks. Black shiny dress shoes. I’d forgotten how well he cleaned up.
“What’s up, Adam?” Ty asked. “I thought you were meeting with Calvin this morning?”
“I am. He pushed it back to noon.”
“Sounds like Calvin. So, what’s up?” Ty asked again.
Adam cleared his throat. “Um. Can you sign off on these modifications for Gervais? I just got off the phone with him, and I think we finally reached an agreement.”
“You don’t need my signature on those. I trust your judgment more than—”
“I’d feel better if you reviewed them,” his eyes flicked to me, “and knowing everything was all right.”
I averted my eyes even though I knew he couldn’t see them through the tinted lenses.
Ty gestured toward me. “Does it have to be done now? I’m in the middle of a meeting.”
“It can’t wait. I told him I’d call him back in five with a final.” Adam handed the stack of paperwork to Ty. “He’s about to board a plane at SeaTac, and we both know impatience is that man’s greatest strength.”
“Yeah, I know.” The room was silent as my uncle let out a sigh before scanning the documents.
“What’s with the sunglasses?” Adam looked at me and crossed his arms. “You’re indoors, and it’s November.”
“Migraine.” I repositioned them. “Must be the lighting.”
“Uh huh. Makes perfect sense,” he replied, scrutinizing my expression as I tried to keep my cheeks from tingling.
“Everything appears to be in order, as I suspected. Call Phil and tell him we’re good to go.”
“Will do,” Adam said as he grabbed the papers from Ty, flashing me one last glance before he walked toward the door.
Ty remained silent until it clicked shut, indicating we were alone. “I want to talk about what happened last night.”
I swallowed. “I can explain all of that. It wasn’t my best representation, and I’d like to apologize—”
“Apologize? For what?” Ty furrowed his brow. “Adam loved you. Maybe those weren’t his exact words, but he said he believes you’d be an asset.”
Are you sure he didn’t say “ass” instead of asset?
“So, I’m offering you the job,” he continued, yammering about pay, benefits, a schedule, policies, and vacation time. All of them were important points I should’ve taken detailed note of, but I couldn’t stop replaying the dinner at Mario’s in my head.
“So…what do you think? Are you on board?”
“Seriously? That’s it? No second interview, calls to references, or anything?” I blinked, wondering if Adam remembered the same evening I did. Good thing you weren’t there last night, Uncle Ty.
“Look. You said you have experience from being with that other outfit. Plus, anyone who puts up with the rescheduling hurdles I put you through and no-show employees for an on-the-clock dinner meeting? You took it in stride. The position can be performed remotely, so I’ll have IT set up your virtual office and supply you with a laptop before you head out of town. When do you leave?”
Out of town. I’d almost forgotten about my old life in Sacramento. “Leave.” I blinked. “I haven’t decided yet. The funeral’s tomorrow. Fast Eddie still has my car.”
“Keep me posted when you figure it all out,” Ty said as his phone rang. He pushed a button to ship it to voicemail.
“I don’t know what to say.” What I should’ve said was I didn’t have any experience and I needed an immeasurable amount of on the job training in a twenty-four-hour period. Instead, I kept my mouth shut and decided to swim instead of sink.
“Well, hopefully you accept.” Ty laughed. “That’s why we’re here, isn’t it?”
“Yes. Sorry.” I got up and hugged him. “I totally accept. Thank you for this. I mean it.”
“My pleasure. Now, not to run you off, but I have a meeting in fifteen minutes. My people will call your people.” He smiled and gathered a few file folders, along with his travel mug.
“Of course.” I grabbed my tote bag and headed for the door after saying goodbye. On my way out, I didn’t even throw any snarky comments in Rita’s direction. For that, I deserved a gold star and a cookie.
Much like the walk home from the Lean, Mean, Coffee Bean a few days prior, I practically floated back to the house. A burden had been lifted from my shoulders instead of a new one weighing me down. Something had actually gone in my favor. A new job would be a new beginning for me. I could feel it.
When I arrived back at the house, a yellow taxi was in the driveway, the back driver-side door hanging wide open. A man wearing a pea coat, red plaid scarf, jeans, and loafers gestured and laughed with the cab driver through the open window, a rolling suitcase next to him. I watched him pass a wad of bills before turning his attention to me. A wide smile spread across his face.
My feet began to take off at a rapid pace before I even realized it happened.
“Blue!” he exclaimed with open arms.
I fell into Finn’s embrace and held him tight. “You’re here!”
“Well, a last-minute flight from around the world cost a pretty penny, and despite two layovers and one missed connection, it was meant to be.”
I looked up at him, blinking back hot tears.
“Let me look at you, pretty girl.” He twirled me around in a circle. “Just as radiant as the last time I saw you. Wait. Have you been crying?”
“I—” The door on the other side of the cab unexpectedly opened and caught my attention. It didn’t add up.
An unfamiliar male got out of the back seat on the passenger side, his eyes locking with mine for a brief moment before he looked away. I drank in his appearance as he ran his fingers through his hair. It was long enough to showcase the tips of nutmeg-colored curls with hints of topaz, matching the irises of his eyes. It was the perfect complement to his golden-brown skin and his manicured goatee. He wore a buttoned trench coat, jeans, and trendy tennis shoes. The gravel crunched under his feet as he walked around to the side of the car where I stood. Quietly, he unloaded his luggage from the trunk.
“Big sister,” Finn toward the man next to me, “I’d like you to meet someone.”
“Hi. I’m Blue,” I said, extending my hand toward his.
His accent was far thicker than Finn’s. “It’s a pleasure. I’ve heard a lot about you. The eyes live up to the name.”
Finn smiled. “This is my boyfriend, Scott.”
My hand tightened around Scott’s and I continued to pump it for a few seconds too long before letting go at the unexpected news.
“Boyfriend?” I murmured to Finn through the side of my mouth. “Can I talk to you for a sec?”
“Sure.” Finn turned toward Scott and lowered his voice. “Give me a minute with her.”
“We won’t be long,” I replied.
Finn led me to the edge of the driveway. “What’s up?”
“What do you mean ‘what’s up?’ You’re…”
“You can say it. The word won’t bite. I’m gay.” He paused, seriousness behind his dark blue eyes. “Is that an issue for you? Because if it is—”
“No. I just…you didn’t tell me.”
“Why would I?” He laughed. “We haven’t spoken for two years until the other day. Besides, do you blast from the rooftops that you’re hetero?” he asked.
“No. I mean…”
“It’s the same thing.”
“Finn, that’s not where I’m going with this. I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, or somewhere in-between. You could prefer the company of llamas and I wouldn’t judge you.” I paused. “Okay, maybe not llamas. Their teeth creep me out, and they do that weird spitting thing. But that’s not what I’m trying to say. You have my unwavering support; you know that. I…don’t feel like I know you anymore. So much time has gone by…” I replied with a twinge of sadness in my voice.
“Well, you stopped taking my calls much like Mom did—”
“Wait. Don’t compare me to the momster. I avoided everyone because…”
“Because why?” He cocked his head to the side. “Why did you leave us all behind?”
My mouth opened, but I suddenly didn’t know how to consolidate everything into one single sentence without unraveling at the seams. It took three solid attempts before the lump in my throat let me speak without risking tears. “Because I had my own shit I didn’t know how to handle.”
“We all have our hang-ups. Look at me. I let her,” he glanced toward the house, “pay for my college tuition, and I know perfectly well she does it to keep me away from Steele Falls. The last time she and I spoke, she called me a ‘black mark’ on her pristine election record. How’s that for unconditional love? But I’m not innocent either. I couldn’t afford college abroad, so I allow her to buy me off.”
“But I was afraid if I revisited…”
“If you revisited what?” He nudged me with his elbow. “The dive bar? The coffee shop? What?”
“Wait a sec,” I said as a lightbulb went off over my head at the word ‘revisited’. “Don’t you have finals right now?”
“No.” His brow furrowed. “I took a semester off because I needed a break. Why?”
“And Mom knows?”
“Of course, she knows. She’s the one footing my tuition bill.”
“And this,” I nodded toward Scott, “is why mom…isn’t talking to you. Don’t you realize the election is right around the corner?”
“Don’t go diving too far into the rabbit hole, Blue. I don’t. It’s not worth it. And you’ll never find your way back out.”
The momster’s words echoed throughout my head.
“Finn’s not coming home. He has finals to study for, and with what I have to pay for his tuition. Just no.”
It wasn’t that he had exams. Not telling him about Tom was intentionally done to keep him far away from the public eye.
“I’m an adult now. You don’t have to protect me anymore.” Finn studied my face. “If Mom and I don’t see eye-to-eye on my life, I really couldn’t care less. I’m here to pay my respects, not to reconcile.”
“But you brought Scott? Here. Did you forget the momster lives in there?” I pointed to the house. “That’s like offering a blood sacrifice to an angry god. She’ll season him with her anxiety meds and eat him for breakfast with her bare hands.”
“Safety in numbers. Remember?” He winked at me before flashing Scott a quick glance. “He’s my support as much as you are.”
“Finn, don’t downplay this. She didn’t even tell you your own dad died, so she could protect her image. Doesn’t that piss you off? What kind of fucked up move is that?”
“Of course, it makes me angry…”
“She’s paying to hide you nearly five thousand miles away. You’re her kid. All of this is bullshit, and I’ve had enough.” I stormed toward the porch, glancing at the carport. My mother’s SUV was parked underneath it, which meant she was in the house. I’d hit my breaking point. “Bullshit.” I hurried up the steps, the third from the bottom groaning as usual. The screen door nearly came off its hinges as I yanked it open. “Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!”
“Blue! Don’t!” Finn trailed after me up the steps. “It’s a waste—”
I let the door slam behind me. “Mom! Where are you?”
Elana appeared in the doorway to the kitchen with a frown on her face. “What on earth are you screaming about now? Can’t you see I’m on an important call?” she hissed as she cupped her hand over the speaker of the corded phone stretched across the kitchen.
She’d pushed me too far with her attitude, her condescension, and all of her actions. I marched over to where she stood, ripped the phone from her hand, and put it up to my ear. “Harold, she’s busy and will have to call you later.” With a forceful slam, I hung up the receiver, the ringer inside dinging. “There.”
“Who the hell do you think you are?” she seethed.
I wasn’t given the opportunity to volley an answer. Someone else did it on my behalf.
“Hello, Mother,” Finn’s voice sounded as he walked in behind me, draping his coat over his arm. Scott wasn’t in view, which was probably for the best.
Elana’s face blanched and she let out a slow breath through her mouth, her hands shaking. Fear filled her eyes, but it wasn’t the kind of panic where you’re scared of someone. It was the type of fear when you’re afraid of someone finding out about something. “Finn. You’re here. In Steele Falls. How…”
I crossed my arms. “I might’ve forgotten to mention I told Finn about Tom. Figured he had the right to know since you didn’t have a big enough set of balls to do it yourself.”
She narrowed her eyes at me. “You did what?”
I walked past her on the way back to the front door. “Oh! And maybe you could work on not being such a judgmental bitch if you’re given the chance to meet Scott,” I muttered as I walked back out onto the porch.
“Blue! Don’t you dare walk out of this house right now!” she shouted.
“Mom, this isn’t about Blue. It’s…” Finn’s voice trailed off after the door closed.
Scott was seated on the porch swing with his hands deep in his pockets as he stared out at the ocean.
I sat down next to him and tucked my knees up under my chin. “Sorry if you heard any of or all of that. Not the warmest of welcomes.”
“It’s all right.” He offered a half-smile. “No worse than what I endured back home in London with my family.”
“Yeah, well the momster’s a special kind of crazy.”
“That special kind of crazy, as you call it, isn’t confined to Steele Falls. Here’s some perspective.” He crossed one ankle over his knee. “When I came out at sixteen, my dad got trashed, and he beat the shit out of me in front of my mom. That stunt landed me in the hospital with a busted nose, two broken ribs, a collapsed lung, and the number of stitches was humiliating. Before he took off, he spat on my face told me I needed to figure out how to fix my ‘problem’ before I could talk to him again. And that’s what started two years of me living on the streets. What Finn’s got going on in there right now isn’t trivial, but he needs to be the one to establish boundaries with her. Your ‘momster’ doesn’t scare me.”
“That’s rough. I’m sorry,” I replied.
“Don’t be. I’m not. The lesson I learned was real family isn’t defined by blood. I haven’t spoken to my parents since.”
I glanced up at the front door, wishing I’d left it open. The sounds of Finn’s voice mingled with the momster’s, and they were escalating. Even with straining, the words were still too muffled to make out. “Where are you staying?”
“I think Finn said it’s called the Wave Inn.”
“He’s got good taste. It has incredible views of the ocean, and—”
“I think you have a visitor.” Scott nodded toward the driveway where Zack leaned against his truck, holding a single red rose.
I let out a deep breath through my nose and closed my eyes.
“Not a suitor of yours?” Scott raised an eyebrow.
“No, he’s here for me,” I replied. “Didn’t realize how late it was already.”
“You don’t look very happy about seeing him.”
“Jury’s still out on this one.” I stood up.
“Oh, one of those.” Scott laughed. “Good luck.”
“You gonna be okay waiting here for Finn?”
“I’ll try not to let Elana season me with too much Xanax before she devours me.” He smiled. “You go.”
“Tell Finn I’ll be back later.”
“Will do.”
I scuttled down the porch steps to where Zack stood and glanced down at my sweatshirt. “Sorry. I didn’t realize it was so late. I’m not even remotely dressed for—”
He held the flower out to me as his eyes flicked up at Scott. “Shhh. There’s no dress code for the party. Besides, you look gorgeous.”
“Thanks.” I wrinkled my nose. “But I’m allergic to those.”
He gave me a half-smile as he tossed it over his head, the single flower landing in the bed of his truck. “Noted for future instances of bringing you gifts. You don’t have a chocolate allergy, do you?”
“Only when it sticks to my hips.” I laughed.
“The box with the bow on the console is approved then,” he replied. “And Ralph hasn’t shot me yet. So, it’s turning out to be a good day. Maybe we should leave the flower as a present for him?”
“Don’t push your luck if you want to keep both of your kneecaps,” I said.
“So, who’s that on the porch?” he asked before closing the passenger door.
I glanced up at Scott watching us. I felt bad for him. Listening to Finn and my mom argue couldn’t be fun. “That’s my brother’s…”
For a brief second, I stumbled. Did I piss off my mom and call him Finn’s boyfriend this close to the election? There’d be no going back after that. Finn wasn’t keeping Scott a secret, and my loyalties aligned with my brother. “That’s my brother’s boyfriend.”
The tension released from Zack’s shoulders. “Good.”
The drive over to Adam’s was full of Zack telling me about every spectacular and mundane detail of his life, leaving no room for me to reply. Occasionally, I’d give a smile and a nod. It was clear he was impressed with his own laundry list of accomplishments; maybe he should’ve been dating himself. He’d been mentioned in numerous financial magazines, climbed Mount Rainier, played guitar in front of five hundred people. Blah. Blah. Blah. The list went on and on. And on. With the amount of information being socked at me, I wondered if there’d be a quiz later. Hopefully not. I was only half-listening.
When we arrived, there were multiple cars parked on the makeshift lot Adam and I had created using driftwood as a perimeter when we’d first started dating. By then, I’d tuned out most of the words Zack said. Future quiz failed.
I got out of the truck and looked up at the house. It looked the same as I remembered. Another round of history fought to take hold, but I shooed it away. My feet took some convincing, hesitating at the property line. The cedar shakes on the side of the house were worn with age, battered by years of salty air. A thin blanket of sand coated the sparse grass. None of that had changed.
If I thought coming back to Steele Falls was difficult, visiting Adam’s house brought it to a whole new level.
“Are you okay?” Zack grabbed my hand. “You look like you saw a ghost.”
“It’s nothing. Just a big day with the funeral tomorrow and all,” I lied.
“It’s tomorrow? I keep forgetting that’s the whole reason you came to town in the first place.” He scrolled through his phone with his thumb. “Damn. I can’t go. I have a meeting in Aberdeen I can’t reschedule.”
“It’s okay. Funerals aren’t fun anyway,” I reassured him. Deep down, I was relieved Zack wouldn’t be there.
“Come on then.” He squeezed my hand. “We can go say hi to everyone and then I’ll take you out back to the beach. Adam has this great patch of sand with this huge chunk of driftwood near the far end of his property line.”
I swallowed and closed my eyes, thinking of the initials carved deeply into the wood and the pocketknife in my tote bag that was used to make it. “Uh huh. Sounds great.”
He led me into the house, practically having to pull me along. A handful of people were in the kitchen, congregating around a table full of fancy appetizers. Rock music blasted in the background. Another small group was in front of the fireplace overlooking the ocean out back. If anything, Adam’s house was nothing short of spectacular, and he’d done a considerable number of updates in the past two years.
“The Main event has arrived!” Zack said, lifting his hand up high, his fingers still intertwined with mine.
Everyone within earshot cheered.
I leaned up toward him and whispered, “Did you announce your presence with your last name and call yourself the Main event?”
“Sure did.” He winked. “Clever, huh?”
I let out a nervous chuckle, unimpressed.
“Hey!” Lucy said as she appeared from the kitchen to give me a hug with a beer in-hand. “How are you?” It was as if the other night never even happened.
“Good?” I replied.
“Daveigh said she’s running late. Sounds like Finn’s in town and something dramatic happened earlier? Know any details about it? I wouldn’t mind banging that brother of yours if he’s available…”
I shook my head no as I saw Adam across the room. Lucy and Zack were suddenly unimportant. His eyes locked with mine as he dumped a bag of chips in a near-empty bowl.
Zack put his arm around my waist, his fingertips curling under the bottom of my sweatshirt, greeting the small of my back again. It felt too intimate as I tried to wriggle away. “Come here for a second,” he said.
“Where are we going?”
“It’s polite to greet the host.” He led me across the room to where Adam stood, crumpling the bag with more force than necessary.
Zack shook Adam’s hand and clapped his shoulder twice. “Thanks for bailing me out on this party. I owe you one. Next year, no skunks.”
Adam nodded and scanned the room.
Awkward.
The air was thick with tension. “Are you two still not over what happened the other night?” Zack grabbed a bottle of beer from the cooler and handed it to me.
“Like oil and water.” I twisted the top off and took a swig.
Zack sighed and turned toward Adam. “Do me a favor. Go out back. Take five minutes to get to know her. And forget about that whole damn beer mess. It was an accident. You’ve been a real ass.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” My eyes bulged at the idea of another encounter alone with Adam. “He’s made it clear…”
“Crystal. Clear,” he corrected me. “And why are you pushing this, Zack? It’s evident she’s your date. You babysit her.”
“Quit being a tool. I like this girl.” Zack elbowed Adam, his voice borderline begging, “C’mon, man. You’re my best friend. Believe it or not, it’s important to me that you get along with her.”
Adam lowered his voice. “Haven’t I already done enough by hosting this party for you?”
Zack gave him a disapproving look. “If the roles were reversed—”
“The roles would never be reversed. That’s the thing,” Adam said as he tried to walk away.
Zack crossed his arms and moved in front of him.
“You’re not going to let this go, are you?” Adam huffed. “Fine. Whatever. Let’s get this over with.”
“I knew you’d see it my way,” Zack replied.
Adam stormed out onto the back porch, slamming the door shut behind him.
“Go on,” Zack said. “I know as soon as he spends a few minutes with you, he’ll agree you’re amazing. Don’t be too amazing though.” He laughed. “What am I saying? I’m confident enough to know you’re going home with me tonight.”
“I think maybe I should go back to check on Finn.” I tried to hide my scowl. “He just got here from…”
“Don’t make me bust out the coffee quips again.” Zack’s dimples appeared.
My shoulders slumped. There was no other easy exit. Without speaking, I walked out to the back porch and closed the door behind me, the gentle click announcing my presence. A few people were out in the yard smoking cigars, and three people were heading toward the beach underneath the moonlit sky with a volleyball in tow. Adam and I were officially alone.
I sat down on the top step as far from him as possible. “Hey,” I said, tucking a stray lock of hair behind my ear.
He looked out at the ocean and offered a simple nod.
“I’m not sure why Zack is pushing this so hard,” I continued.
“Beats me.” Adam took a drink of his beer. “There are far better ways I could be spending my time.”
“You didn’t have to do that, you know,” I replied.
He set the bottle down and folded his arms atop his knees. “Do what?”
“Recommend me for the job.”
“I’d hardly call it recommending you. I merely said—”
“And I’m saying thank you.” I looked at him. “Let me know if I need to explain what that phrase means, like I did with the handshake. The proper response is ‘you’re welcome’.”
Silence.
“Why did you do it?” I asked. “You had every opportunity to throw me under the bus.”
Adam ran his fingers through his hair before pulling a cigarette and a lighter from his pocket. “Honestly, I have no fucking clue. It’s not like you deserve it. And you’re not qualified.”
“All true statements.”
He laughed out his nose and set the red-and-gold labeled pack of cigarettes on the step where his feet rested. “And what’s stupid is I only need to smoke these damn things when you’re around.”
I started to stand up. “Then, maybe I should go inside and distance—”
“Wanna hear what pisses me off?” He leaned back and lit the cigarette.
“Here we go.” I sighed and sat back down.
“First of all, I’m calling bullshit on your headache excuse this morning. You don’t get migraines. That was the classic Blue Brennan post-crying face. I remember it well.”
“So?”
He looked at me before taking a drag. “Second of all, why the waterworks show?”
“Why do you care?”
“I don’t,” he replied. “I quit caring a long time ago.”
“This conversation is going nowhere.” I rubbed my temples.
He grabbed for his frosty beer bottle before standing up, the rickety boards of the warped porch creaking beneath him as he leaned against the railing. “Do you have any idea how many nights I’ve looked up at that starry sky and wondered if you were doing the same?”
I gulped. “Adam—”
“278.”
My lungs stopped working. Shit. He had an actual number. And it was a doozy.
“You look surprised.” He glanced at me before taking a swig. “Two hundred and fucking seventy-eight. And then…I stopped. Want to know why?”
What felt like years passed before I was able to whisper my response. “Why?”
“I decided to stop punishing myself, wondering what I’d done wrong to make you leave.”
“Please.” I shook my head, questioning whether I needed to start smoking. “Don’t make this harder…”
“No one knew, Blue. No one knew about us being together. I actually started to wonder if I were crazy, and I dreamed up our entire relationship, so you don’t get to talk about making things harder. You have no right.”
I tucked my hands up into the sleeves of my sweatshirt. “What I have a right to do isn’t a factor in this equation. We were the product of an unfortunate situation.” I paused and furrowed my brow in thought. “No, wait. The unfortunate situation was a product of us?”
Adam rubbed his face with his hands. “God, don’t make this into some complicated math problem. You and I were the product of us falling in love. You. Me. It was that simple. One plus one equaled two. And that entire ‘equation’ of us, as you so eloquently put it,” he frowned and used air quotes, “started long before what happened to—”
“Don’t,” my voice wavered. “Don’t say her name out loud.”
“It’s Madelyn! Say it! You have to face what happened sooner or later!” he yelled. “When are you going to come to grips with that?”
“Damn it, Adam. She died!” Tears spilled down my cheeks. “Nothing you or I do can fix that!”