Adam fought to swallow his emotions. “Don’t you think I know that? That I’m reminded every day when I drive by your old house, when I speed up past the cemetery and can’t even look out my damn window because I know she’s buried there? Don’t you think it haunts me every time I see her parents at the grocery store? Stop me anytime now. I can go on all night.”
I mashed the heels of my hands against my eyes. “Why do you think I left Steele Falls in the first place? I couldn’t handle knowing we were responsible for her death. Being surrounded by memories of her…”
“We weren’t at fault for what happened to—”
“You’re right.” I pursed my lips. “We weren’t. But I was. I couldn’t stay and live with that. It was too hard.”
Adam quieted. “Too hard. So, that reinforces what I suspected all along. You left because of me too.”
“That’s not—”
“Fucking bullshit!” Adam yelled as he threw the beer bottle at the sidewalk, the brown glass smashing into countless glittering shards.
A grouping of people near the fence took notice and turned their attention toward us. After a few seconds of our silence, they trickled back into their conversation.
Adam lowered his voice and his nostrils flared. “Why do you think I didn’t leave after you went MIA? There was an invisible ball and chain around my ankle. Part of me waited to see if you’d come back. To see if it was all some kind of mistake I didn’t understand. I may have stayed, but I eventually moved on.” He stood up. “But at least I know,” he motioned between the two of us, “this meant nothing. What we had was a joke, and I was the punchline.”
His words cut deep into my heart. “That’s not true, and you know it.” The tears began to tumble and my lower lip quivered. “All of it was so fucking complicated. You’re not being fair.”
“Fair? Do you really want to talk about what’s fair?” He sighed. “And there you go with the crying again. Quit trying to be the victim. Let me give you the condensed soup version of what happened. Once upon a time, you were my happily never after. That’s it. Past tense. Were.” He flicked the cigarette butt to the pathway at the bottom of the steps and blew a stream of smoke out his nose.
I fiddled with a pebble wedged in the bottom of my shoe, unsure of what to say.
He adjusted his posture. “I can only imagine the shit show that funeral will turn out to be tomorrow. Tis the season for your mom to be in the spotlight. She probably hired circus performers, some outrageously-priced pop singer, and a balloon artist.”
“Yeah, I guess we’ll find out.”
He pulled out another cigarette with quaking fingers, but he didn’t bother lighting it before he looked at me. “Correction. You’ll find out.”
“You’re not going?” I sniffled, my eyes widening.
He laughed. “Why would I go? To pay my respects? Shed a tear? It’d be a waste of time. Tom Meyers and I didn’t see eye-to-eye on anything. He deserves to rot in Hell.”
“But the entire town will be there. Won’t it be weird if you’re the only one not going? I mean, besides Zack.”
“Zack. That’s right.” He let out another laugh, this time through his nose. “You should know by now I don’t care what anyone thinks about me around here. So, what’d be ‘weird’ is if I went. Good luck with tomorrow, with Zack, and with the rest of your life.” Adam patted me on the knee twice, stood up, and walked back inside without looking back, the door clicking shut behind him.
I felt alone, in so many ways.
* * *
Roughly Two Years Ago
I snapped to attention and jumped to my feet. The knock on the door left me hopeful for a fraction of a second, like a dog waiting for the mailman. Maybe it was Madelyn, and she came to talk to me. I was willing to apologize, beg, or get down on my hands and knees for the chance to explain. I’d take any of it over the eerie silence that loomed for the past three days with her ignoring me.
When I yanked on the door handle, I didn’t mean to look disappointed, but I knew I did a horrible job of hiding it.
“Hey, beautiful,” Adam said with a soft smile. “I brought you some dinner.” He held up a brown paper bag with the Mario’s logo on it. “No one’s home, so I figured it was safe to use the front door. Can I come in?”
I moved to allow him enough space to walk through before closing it again. “That was sweet, but I’m really not hungry.”
“Come on. I’ll bet you haven’t left this place in three days, and you won’t take any of my calls. I figured if I just showed up, maybe you’d let me in on account you love me.” He set the bag down on the counter and took his coat off. “When was the last time you ate?”
I looked up at the ceiling and rubbed the back of my neck. “I don’t know. Two days ago? Maybe? Can’t remember for sure. Everything’s been such a blur since...”
“You need to eat something. Please? For me?” He handed me a container and a fork while flashing the pleading look he knew I was a sucker for. “Everyone at work’s wondering where you’re at. You can’t call out sick forever.”
I slumped my shoulders in defeat, and my stomach growled to voice its own opinion. Plus, it was so damn difficult to turn him down. Everything about Adam had an effect on me. I sat on the couch and he joined me a couple of minutes later while I picked at a cheese bubble on top of the lasagna. Even with a growling belly, my appetite was non-existent, but I jammed a floppy noodle into my mouth. All of it reminded me of Madelyn. After four bites of what should’ve been flavorful lasagna that suddenly tasted like cardboard to me, I couldn’t stomach more and wondered if I could even keep that much down.
I pushed the box away on the coffee table and settled back into the couch, resting my head on his shoulder. “I miss her.”
He ran his fingers through my hair and kissed the top of my head. “I know you do.”
“It’s been three days. Why won’t she talk to me?”
The hairs raised on the back of my neck. Adam’s posture was more rigid than usual and his knee did a weird, nervous, bouncing thing. It was a mannerism I’d only witnessed on two other occasions since knowing him. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “Something’s not right.”
He puffed out his cheeks and let out a breath. “We need to talk.”
I’m not sure what caused it. Perhaps it was his tone. Maybe it was because I knew Adam inside and out, and I could sense when anything was wrong with him. But a switch inside of me clicked, and I went cold, frigid. Looking back, I think it might’ve been when the fortress started to skyrocket around my heart. A thick layer of panic and dread had replaced the heady peacefulness Adam brought me. Nothing good ever came from the ‘we need to talk’ line. Even I was smart enough to know that. “About what?” I asked, my pulse taking off at a rapid rate.
“Sit up and look at me.”
Reluctantly, I turned until I faced Adam on the couch. Since he’d walked through the door, I hadn’t taken the time to notice the dark circles cradling his eyes. They were also bloodshot and puffy. Terror crept into my stomach with spindly fingers, threatening to return the little bit of food I was able to coax into it.
He grabbed my hands and rubbed my knuckles with his warm fingertips. “You know how much I adore you, right?”
“Are you breaking up with me?” I blurted.
“No. God, no.” He shook his head, closing his eyes for a brief moment before focusing on me again. “I love you and promise I’m not going anywhere.”
“Then why do you look like you’re about to cry?” I asked. “What are you holding back?”
He opened his mouth but had trouble finding the words for longer than what felt necessary.
“Say it. You’re scaring me.” I sat up straighter and tried to pull my hands away, but he wouldn’t let me.
“I was scheduled to close last night. And when I left Mario’s, there were a few cops in the parking lot. They didn’t know I was listening.”
I stilled. “Did my mom find some way to have you arrested after—”
“No, it’s nothing like that,” he cut me off. “Baby, I’m sorry. This is so hard. I don’t want to be the one to tell you, but I feel like it has to come from me.”
“Sorry for what? Did you do something illegal?”
He shook his head left and right. “The cops were talking about a crime scene they were working on. A local one.”
I furrowed my brow. “And?”
“Blue,” a single tear slid down Adam’s cheek and his breathing hitched, “Madelyn committed suicide. She swallowed a bunch of pills, and she was found next to her dad’s gun. The EMTs…they tried,” he took a breath, “they tried to save her, but it was already too late by the time they got there.”
“No.” My response was instant and cold because his words were asinine.
His lower lip trembled as he stared into my eyes.
Then, everything took a complete turn. The next sentences spilled from me so quickly, I wasn’t sure whether I took a breath. “No…no. You’re wrong. She was here, with me, three days ago. In this living room.” I pulled my hand away from his and slapped my palm against the cushion of the couch. “She sat right here and…and we read magazines and we ate dinner and we laughed and we gave each other manicures and…” I looked down at the botched nail polish job she’d given me.
“Baby, slow down.” Adam cradled my face in his hands.
“No.” I shook my head in disbelief. “It has to be someone else. She wouldn’t do that. Madelyn wasn’t depressed; she was happy.” My eyes welled. “I know it…I know her.”
“It was Madelyn,” his voice was cautious in an attempt to not upset me further, which was impossible. “They were talking about her parents by name, saying how her dad was on a leave of absence from the police force, and even said her brother’s—”
“No!” I screamed louder. My lungs suddenly couldn’t get enough oxygen and I hyperventilated. “You’re wrong!”
“I’m so, so sorry.”
I don’t recall a lot of what happened next, but I do remember trying to shove Adam away from me as hard as I could. However, he wouldn’t let me. Regardless of how many foul sobs escaped me that sounded like a wild animal dying and how much I fought him off with balled-up fists, he wrapped his arms around me tighter and didn’t let go. My mouth continued to gape open, and my shoulders heaved. Fractions of agonizing moans and cries were all I could muster, none of it coherent.
Adam was my rock, the one person who’d seen me at my worst and at my best. Nothing fazed that man or deterred him from loving me unconditionally. That night, he’d seen me at one of my lowest points. As much as I fought his embrace, all he did was love me more, whisper repeatedly how sorry he was, and tell me how he wanted to take away my pain while tears of his own spilled down his face. It was everything I needed in that moment, but didn’t feel like I deserved.
All of his attempts at consoling me were like raindrops bouncing off a tin roof as he spoke. None of his tender, comforting words soaked into me. Not one. I was impenetrable. As he cradled me in his arms and rocked me, part of me withered and died. What started as an innocent and passionate love affair between Adam and I had once blossomed, flourishing into something beautiful. But in an instant, it had been tainted and turned into something dark and unthinkable, its season ending. Withered. If Madelyn were truly dead, I was the puppet responsible for her pulling the imaginary trigger while she committed the actual act herself. The look on her face three days prior would be one etched in my head forever.
The next afternoon, I packed a few belongings and left Steele Falls without telling a soul, vowing to never look back on the sleepy town again.
* * *
Zack opened the back door and poked his head out. “Is everything okay out here? Adam came in about thirty minutes ago, and I thought you were behind him. Then, I couldn’t find you.”
“Everything’s fine.” I wiped my eyes.
He closed the door behind him and sat down next to me on the porch steps. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t want to talk about it right now.” I forced a lopsided smile. “Call it another bad night.”
“Wanna go for a walk?” Zack rubbed my knee. “It might help.”
Truth be told, nothing would make me feel better. I didn’t want to go wander the beach with Zack, and I didn’t want to participate in his feel-better remedy. With my luck, it’d involve some combination of skinny-dipping in the ocean and a roofie cocktail to get me in the sack. For damn sure, I didn’t want to revisit that piece of driftwood where Adam and I had carved our initials. And I definitely didn’t want to listen to more of Zack’s lame stories about his life’s accomplishments. Every fiber of my being fought being alone with him, but I found myself acquiescing because it’d be a distraction and distance from Adam.
“Sure,” I replied.
He stood up and tugged me to my feet, toward him, a little harder than I anticipated. His face was mere inches from mine, the heat of his body radiating against my skin. My personal bubble threatened to burst. “Zack…” I pulled back.
“I can help you forget about what’s bothering you.” His voice lowered to a whisper, “You just have to let me…” He brushed my hair out of my face. “We can get out of here and find some place quiet.”
“You can’t leave. It’s your party. Besides, I’m not….” I struggled to find an emergency exit strategy from being pinned in the corner. “There’s a lot going on with me right now. The funeral’s tomorrow and I leave for Sacramento soon. It’s all catching up with me.”
“You sure you and Adam weren’t yelling earlier?” Zack eyed the broken glass on the ground. “He didn’t hurt you, did he?”
My jaw fell. “No. He would never…” I stopped myself before I said too much. “You know, it’s getting kinda cold out here. Maybe a walk isn’t the best idea.” I started to head up the porch stairs. “Plus, I need to use the bathroom.”
“Blue?” Zack asked.
“Yeah?” I replied absentmindedly.
“Don’t you need me to show you where the bathroom is?”
Shit. As far as Zack knew, I’d never been to Adam’s house. Being anywhere alone with him inside asked for trouble. “I…heard someone else earlier mention where it’s at. I’m good.”
“All right.” Zack flashed me a smile, appeased with my lie before he walked away and dove into conversation with a group of men near the driveway.
I went inside and wove my way through the crowd to the bathroom, which was thankfully available, and locked the door behind me.
I looked around. Silence took hold with the exception of fresh-falling rain hitting the roof. So much for an outdoor party. Pristine blue plaid towels matched the rugs and the shower curtains I remembered. They were a surprise I’d picked out after he remodeled the space, a project that took two months and was laced with pitfalls along the way.
A large, clay soap dish rested between the back corner of the counter and the lip of the sink. The pale blue and white swirls of paint reminded me of Steele Falls’ sky overlooking the ocean in the spring. I gingerly traced over a minor fissure that had woven its way around the dish, almost perfectly segregating the fused pieces into two halves. Bubbles of superglue had adhered it back together again, the edges not quite aligned to perfection. The hardened glaze was cold, and I held my breath before turning it over in my hand. The lusterless surface on the bottom revealed a faint message.
Adam,
To the world, you may only be one person,
But to me, you’re the world.
A & F,
Blue
I rubbed my fingertips against my palms, almost able to feel the cool, wet clay still in my hands when I’d molded it at the pottery shop downtown. Always and forever, no more.
A knock at the door caused me to jump, nearly dropping the dish. I fumbled and caught it before it slid from my fingers and set it back in its spot, perfectly angled. “Just a sec!” I shouted, my heart pounding in my chest.
I went through the motions of washing my hands, so it wouldn’t appear unusual when I left the bathroom with no water ran in the sink. Rumors I was shooting up were the last scenario I wanted to deal with on top of everything else.
I opened the door and Beanbag leaned against the wall in the hall with his hands buried in his pockets.
“Oh. It’s you.” The pep dwindled from his face.
“Always a pleasure to see you too, Beanbag,” I replied.
“It’s still Wesley. Want me to write it out on a piece of paper so you can practice saying it? I know two syllables can be difficult to remember.”
“I’ll pass.”
“And as reassurance, I’m not stalking you. Just really have to take a leak.”
“Right.” I glanced down the hall.
“I think your boyfriend is in the kitchen.”
“Adam is not…” I stopped myself.
“Whoa.” Beanbag raised an eyebrow, confusion spanning his face. “Who said anything about Adam? I thought you came with Zack?”
“That’s what I said,” I spoke quickly and averted my eyes. “Zack.”
“Must be my mistake then.” He blinked. “Maybe you’ve been saying Wesley all this time too, and I’ve developed hearing loss since you arrived.”
“Enjoy your piss.” I shoved past him and heard the door slam shut behind me a few seconds later.
The kitchen was less crowded than earlier, the party slowly dying down. I grabbed a cracker from the table and crunched it in half. Zack approached one of the men he’d been drinking with at the bar the first night I met him. He multi-tasked, continuing to glance at Lucy across the room as she bent over in front of the cooler.
Lucy glanced at him over her shoulder and smirked before giving her ass a shimmy.
“Hey, Wade,” Zack said as he shook his friend’s hand, clamping his other hand on his shoulder with a firm squeeze. He faced the counter, unaware of my presence.
I lingered in the background and munched on another cracker, eavesdropping on their conversation.
“So, what is it with you and that girl you showed up with tonight? I thought you were gonna hook up with Heather the other night at The Fill & Spill? That long blonde hair and those legs? Perfection.” Wade let out a long, low whistle.
“Oh, don’t think I didn’t close the deal. Heather and I took our party of two back to my place and hit the hot tub. God, that girl can bend in ways you wouldn’t believe. Like a fuckin’ pretzel.”
“Damn, man. I swear, you’re some kind of chick whisperer.”
Zack laughed. “It’s a gift.”
“Seriously though. If you could bang someone like Heather Miller, why bother with an average Jane Doe like Blue Brennan?”
Zack gave Wade a knowing look. “Come on. Think about it. She’s the mayor’s daughter. That minor detail could do wonders for Main Enterprises exploding even farther. The connections Elana Meyers has is endless with as long as she’s been in office. I’d be stupid to not slip that ace up my sleeve.” He elbowed Wade. “Don’t get me wrong, Blue’s definitely no Heather. Not even close. It’ll take some definite work on my end to try and make her that kind of eye candy.” He began counting on his fingers. “Replace her wardrobe, send her to the spa for an overhaul, sign her up to the gym so she can drop ten pounds, and a steady diet of celery sticks could have her flawless eventually. In the meantime, my black book is full of women, waiting to keep me satisfied.”
“Can’t wait to see this next project of yours unfold.” Wade laughed. “You slay me, bro.”
Flawless eventually. I crushed the remaining piece of cracker in my hand, a shower of crumbs falling to the floor. Those two words burned into me like a branding iron, and rage bubbled beneath the surface of my skin. Flawless eventually. It was the same phrase Cash used on me days ago.
I closed my eyes and took a breath to regain my composure, but it was already miles gone, a blip on the horizon. Seeing red, I walked over to Zack and tapped him on the shoulder.
Zack lowered his voice, waving away who stood behind him, “But between you and me, I’ve just about got her eating out of the palm of my hand now. She’s all emotional and shit with that funeral tomorrow. I have to amp up the charm a little more, and fucking her will be easier than getting laid by Lucy, the cum dumpster. Blue Brennan will be screaming my name in no time.”
He turned and looked at me, surprise spelled out on his face. “Oh! Hey.”
I smiled sweetly and batted my eyes. “Hey, yourself. Missed you.”
“See what I mean?” Zack looked at Wade and grinned.
“I’ll leave you guys alone.” Wade smirked and turned to walk away.
“You don’t have to go.” I gripped his arm to stop him. “Plus, I think you should hear this too.” The smile on my face turned to a vicious frown as I bared my teeth and turned my attention to Zack. What I wanted to say next didn’t require words. I looked into his gray eyes and cocked my hand back, delivering a powerful slap across his face.
His head whipped to the side from the blow, the sound loud enough to draw the attention of every other person in the kitchen, including those trailing in from the rain. “What was that for?” He touched his cheek, a red handprint immediately appearing.
I tilted my head to the side and licked my lips. “I think my delivery could use some work, but it’ll be flawless…eventually. Right?” I patted him on the arm. “Goodbye, Zack.”
The room remained silent and all eyes were on me as I walked through the kitchen toward the front door, hurrying down the steps and into the pouring rain. Cold droplets pelted me in the face, and the wind had intensified, pushing me along as I headed down the sandy road toward town.
“Hey!” a voice shouted behind me, mildly muffled by the weather.
I increased my speed and wrapped my arms around myself tighter. “Go away!”
“For Christ’s sake, wait up!”
I turned around and saw Adam jogging to catch up to me. Rain dripped from his hair down his face, dark tendrils plastered to his forehead. “What was that all about?”
“What?” I crossed my arms.
“Come on, Blue. You deck a guy in my kitchen and then take off into the night like a bat out of hell?”
“Not decked. Slapped.”
“Semantics,” he replied. “What the fuck happened back there?”
“I thought you stopped caring? He’s a dick. Isn’t that reason enough?”
“He’s Zack. Of course, he’s a dick. Anyone who can see and hear knows that.”
“Well, he says you’re his best friend. Great choice.”
“Not that you have a say in who I hang out with, but I never said he was mine. I don’t do best friends anymore.” His face reddened. “In bed or at all. Not worth it.”
I placed my hands on my hips. “Then, why’s it still there?”
Adam looked confused. “What? The red mark? You hit Zack pretty hard, and—”
“Not that.” I paused. “The stuff in the bathroom. The rugs. The shower curtain. The soap dish with the inscription. Why haven’t you gotten rid of it?”
“I didn’t know you’d be dissecting my bathroom like an eighth-grade science project.” Adam rubbed the back of his neck. “Did you go through the medicine cabinet too?”
“It’s hard to not notice if you have eyes. Kinda like Zack being a dick.”
Adam sighed. “Blue, don’t read into what you saw. It’s just stuff.”
“No! It’s stuff that’s tied to me! Intimately!”
His voice rose an octave. “Not that I have to explain, but it’s holed up in a spare bathroom that’s never used unless my dick,” he used air quotes, “of a friend, not best friend, mind you, hosts a party at my house because his got skunked! Outside of cleaning it up for tonight, that door hasn’t been opened in who knows how long!”
I rubbed my face. “Forget it. I have to go prepare to face one of the hardest days of my life.”
“No one likes funerals.”
I deadpanned him. “That’s not why I’m dreading tomorrow, and you know it.” With no more fight left to give, I turned and walked away. “You’re still the only one who knows.”