Later that morning, Adam woke up first. His nose nuzzled against my neck with a throaty growl while his hands roamed my body. The scent of his skin was enough to send butterflies flitting through my stomach, let alone memories of the night before.
“What are you doing?” I mumbled, fighting off the growing smile on my face.
“Waking you up. I want to go somewhere.”
I opened one eye to squint at the digital numbers on the clock. “It’s seven in the morning. We didn’t go to sleep until almost four.”
“The annual pancake breakfast is today.” He planted his lips on my temple, creating a path of kisses down to the corner of my mouth. “We’re going.”
I’d forgotten the pancake breakfast happened rain or shine, regardless of what day of the week the date fell on. Businesses shut down in the morning for the event like the Queen of England came to visit. “It’s a pile of carbs topped with more carbs. Sounds like a sure-fire path to the world of diabetes.” I rubbed a patch of the comforter next to me. “Wouldn’t you rather stay here and burn off some calories?”
“Tempting. And we’ll have plenty of time for our own workout today. These are the best pancakes of the year, and I’m hungry.” He drew circles around my bellybutton with his fingertip. “Besides, I have other plans too.”
“Like what?”
“I’m,” he tugged me to a sitting up position, “taking you, Blue Brennan, on a date. That storm’s rolling in, so we need to get going.”
I felt the smile tug at the corners of my mouth. “A date? Seriously?”
“Yep. Now, up and at ‘em, beautiful.” He gave me a chaste kiss on the forehead before leaving the room. “Clothes are on the end of the bed!” he yelled from the hallway.
A faded pair of my jeans and my fuzzy, pink hoodie sat on top of the rumpled comforter. The material was as soft as I remembered when I’d left it at his house more than two years ago. My eyes burned and I lost myself in thought, realizing he’d hung onto it. He’d hung onto me.
“Hey.” He rapped on the open door with a concerned look on his face. “What’s wrong?”
I jolted. “Nothing. It’s stupid.”
He walked over to me and cupped my chin in his hand, tilting upward. “What’s stupid?”
“I’m afraid this isn’t real. Like it’s all a dream or something.” I set the shirt down.
“Well,” he sank down onto the bed and wrapped his warm arms around me, “if it is, I don’t want to wake up. You know what? Maybe we have a little extra time before breakfast, after all. Join me in the shower? Purely in the name of conserving water, of course.”
I giggled at his attempted distraction. “For the sake of the environment, how can I say no?”
He kissed the top of my head. “That’s my girl.”
Those three medicating words were all I needed.
He was my addiction again.
He was my sanctuary again.
He was my protection again.
Everything was going to be all right.
* * *
After two toe-curling orgasms up against the shower wall, we arrived at a park, three quarters of a mile down the beach from Adam’s house. Worn picnic tables were arranged in a few clusters, the last two still being positioned into place by four large men. Small hunks of driftwood pinned down the checkered red-and-white tablecloths in order to combat the unpredictable wind gusts. My watch confirmed it was still early; most of the town hadn’t arrived yet.
“See? The smart people are home sleeping,” I said.
He looked at me with a serious expression. “I’ve lost two years with you. This person is smart enough to not give up another minute while you’re in town. C’mon.”
In town. My stomach dropped at the thought of leaving Steele Falls behind, of leaving Adam behind.
The sky was a gloomy shade of gray, a much drearier hue on the distant horizon. Calm waves lapped at the shore, making a therapeutic and rhythmic suction sound while they filtered through the sand. Ebb and flow. The water dictated a calm before the storm, and it was supposed to be the worst in over twenty years. I broke my spellbound gaze from the beach and latched back onto reality.
Adam tugged at my fingers, leading me toward the end of the short buffet line. “I’m starving.”
“Hey! Rockwell!” a voice called out from behind us.
I immediately cringed.
“Shit,” Adam muttered.
“See?” I tried to let go of his hand to avoid the impending confrontation, but Adam’s grip tightened. “We could’ve been back at your place, still in the shower. Instead, someone needed carbs...”
Zack walked up to us, his steely eyes locked on mine. “Funeral’s over. Thought you’d have left town by now.”
“Sorry to disappoint you.” I glanced down at my shoes. “Yep. Still here.”
Zack did a double take at our interlaced fingers and raised an eyebrow. “What the hell is this?”
Adam sighed. “Okay. So, here’s what—”
“This goes against the code. Haven’t you heard of bros before hoes?” Zack cut him off. “Did you see the way she assaulted me at your place?”
“It’s not like that.” Adam cleared his throat, redness tinging his cheeks.
“Why bother? Fucking cocktease doesn’t put out anyway,” Zack muttered.
Adam’s jaw clenched as he bit back his anger. “I’m only going to say this once: don’t go there.”
“What’s with you, man?” Zack asked. “You hated her the other night.”
“Remember, a long time ago, when I told you about the girl who wrecked me?”
“That whole reason you wouldn’t let me set you up with Sabina, Christine, Karmin, Hazel, Lainy, Autumn, or those Swedish gymnast twins?” Zack counted on his fingers. “Jesus, Lucy’s been practically begging you to test her humidity for months now. Why settle for,” he glanced toward me and jutted his chin upward, “this?”
I opened my mouth to reply, but Adam squeezed my hand hard to stop me.
“I don’t dip my pen in shared Steele Falls ink. And you didn’t answer me. Do you remember me talking about her?”
“Dude, you were so fucked up that night.” Zack crossed his arms, chuckling in memory.
Adam sighed. “You do remember though?”
“Yeah, you told me about Satan. So?”
“You called me Satan?” I exclaimed. “For fuck’s sake, Adam!”
“Wait. You’re…” Zack’s index finger waggled back and forth between Adam and I. “You two have a history?”
Adam raised our handhold a few inches. “Zack, meet Blue, my…”
I could tell he didn’t know what to call me and pink flooded my cheeks again.
Adam let out a long breath through his nose. “Look, none of this was intended to hurt or mislead you. A long time ago, Blue and I were in—”
Zack rolled his eyes. “Don’t say love, man. Whatever you do, don’t be like some sappy greeting card and say ‘love’.”
“Love,” Adam cemented.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” Zack asked Adam. “Alone?”
Adam puffed out his cheeks and rolled his head until he faced me. “I’ll be back.”
I nodded and watched the two men walk away, gesturing at one another in the distance while Zack shook his head disapprovingly.
I sat down on a piece of driftwood, wondering why Adam wanted to take me to a town-wide event instead of being alone. Zack’s reaction to finding out the truth was less than stellar. With the crowd beginning to grow, we were bound to run in to other people we knew before we could escape.
My body lurched. Someone had clamped onto me from behind. “Hey!”
I glanced over my shoulder. “Hi, ‘Veigh.” Here we go.
“You didn’t come home last night. After you stormed out of The Fill & Spill, I thought maybe you left town without saying goodbye or something.”
“Yeah. Or something.” My eyes flicked up at Adam’s handsome figure as he headed back next to where I stood. I couldn’t help but smile.
Daveigh’s loving expression frosted over when she noticed. “Is the ‘bad news’ the ‘or something’?”
“Are you two speaking in some weird sister language?” Adam murmured out the side of his mouth.
I stood my ground, Daveigh and I in an epic stare down. “So, what if it is?”
“You’ve hung out with this guy for what? Five days. And all you do is fight. Don’t you listen to a word I say? You’re getting in way over your head.”
“Well, when you know, you know.” I slipped my arms around Adam’s waist.
“When you know, you know what?” Daveigh replayed the words in her head. “Wait. Okay, now I’m confused.”
“I’ll explain it all later when—”
“Shut up! I’m so jelly!” Lucy bounced over. “Did you hook up with the untouchable Steele Falls bachelor?” She crossed her arms and examined my face. “You did! You brought an al dente noodle to your spaghetti house! I can see it in your eyes.”
“I…”
Lucy put her hand up for a high five. “Way to prove me wrong about the vaginal funeral, Brennan. Color me impressed.”
Adam shot me a curious look and a half-chuckle.
“Don’t ask. Please?” I averted my eyes and leaned up toward his ear. “Can we get out of here? Now?”
He nodded toward Zack stewing in the distance. “I think that’s a good idea.”
“‘Veigh, I’ll call you later. Promise!” I shouted over my shoulder.
She didn’t look amused.
Adam and I made our way through the line. We grabbed two paper plates, pancakes, sausages, plastic forks, and bottled water before heading toward his truck.
“You haven’t said much. Are you upset I didn’t tell Daveigh about us? You know, how we have a history?” I asked. “You came right out with it to Zack.”
He continued to walk. “You’ll tell her when you’re ready.”
Ouch.
“It’s not that I’m not ready.”
“Okay,” he said.
I grabbed his bicep and forced him to stop. “Look at me.”
“Blue, I’m fine. You don’t have to explain. I get it. We were under wraps then, and we’re under wraps—”
“No, I don’t think you get it at all. I’m not hiding this. When I tell ‘Veigh about our history, I’ll have to tell her about Tom too. It’ll knock over the giant pedestal she held him on.”
It made sense. We’d spent our relationship hidden, every aspect locked up behind closed doors. Not because we wanted to, but because we had to. He’d brought me out to a public event, in Steele Falls, because nothing forced us to stay a secret. He wanted a first. For us. I felt awful.
His expression softened. “Don’t overwhelm yourself with family. Let today be about you and me. Please?”
I nodded in agreement. “So, where are we going?” I ripped off a piece of pancake and popped it in my mouth, chewing, frowning. Suddenly, I remembered why I quit eating them in years past. They had the consistency of bubble gum and the flavor of old frying oil. “That’s terrible.” I spat the doughy wad into a cluster of tall grass. “You like these?”
“Sure do.” He ripped off a large piece with his mouth and flashed me a wink. “And to answer your first question, it’s a surprise.”
* * *
Late that morning, we pulled off the highway between two horribly mangled pieces of twisted guardrail. The gap opened to a dirt road funneling to a trailhead. Familiar trees loomed, their oversized branches creating a tunnel effect over the roadway. Aside from Adam’s truck, the small parking lot was empty. It was a literal memory lane.
“Remember this place?” He killed the engine.
“I think I forgot to remember it until now.” I hopped out of the truck and looked around, breathing deeply. The scent of fresh pine trees permeated the frigid air. Even in near-freezing temperatures, all of it brought back the warmest memories.
Adam grabbed my hand and we walked along the gravel-covered trail, talking about what we’d been through during our absence from one another. There were no awkward moments. There were no lulls. It was like we’d picked up where we left off. Puffs of steam left our mouths in miniature clouds as we trudged along, every lush color and vibrant hue sending me back in time. The footpath was one of our hideouts and always vacant. It was our spot, somewhere no one could find us.
One hundred yards ahead, there was a wide, circular opening surrounded by giant fir trees. In the middle, an enormous, misshapen boulder created a fork in the path.
I scaled the angular side of it, my hands recalling the location of the footholds and crannies so vividly, like I’d last been there yesterday. My frame settled back onto a flat piece of the stone. It was the perfect spot to look up at the sky through the mess of tangled branches overhead. Threatening clouds moved swiftly, leaving few blips of bluish sky exposed. “This exact spot used to be one of my favorite places.”
“Mine too.” Adam laid down next to me and propped himself up on his side. “But I haven’t been back since you left. I couldn’t do it.”
I studied his face as he brushed my cheek with his thumb, his lips touching mine like a whisper. When he leaned back against the rock, I rested my head on his chest, staring off into the trees.
“And I told you that old Zen proverb,” his voice rumbled as he patted the boulder. “Obstacles don’t block the path—they are the path.”
I closed my eyes. “I forgot about that too.”
“Do you know why I brought you here?” he asked.
I turned my head so I could see his face. “To reenact our first kiss? For the record, it was pretty spot-on.”
“No, that’s not why.” He shook his head. “This rock is where I realized you were the first person to look at me for who I was, instead of trusting the rumors around town. Without knowing it, you’d taken away my pain. For once, someone believed in me, and that felt incredible. But all of that reassurance vanished the moment you left. The proverb I’d lived by became bullshit to me. You’d gone from being my path to being my obstacle.”
I felt my heart sink. “Adam, I’m sorry.”
“I know,” he replied quietly. “And I’m not saying any of this for another apology.”
I tucked my hair behind my ears. “When I got back, hurting you was easier.”
“Easier than what?” He chuckled. “Sneezing with your eyes open?”
“Hurting you was easier,” I paused, “than admitting I was the one who ruined what we had.”
“I guess hurting you was easier for me too.” He wrapped his arms around me in a tight embrace, many minutes passing by while he simply held me. “C’mon. I want to take you somewhere else.”
* * *
“We’re here,” he said, pulling into a parking lot in town.
I blinked back to reality. “Mario’s? But we had the best pancakes this morning, and I’m so full.” I rubbed my stomach and rolled my eyes. “How will I possibly find room for lunch?”
“Humor me,” he replied. “Let’s go.”
Adam walked around to my side of the truck and opened the door to help me out, guiding me toward the entrance with a gentle touch to my low back. Just like last time, nostalgia hit me with blunt force when we walked inside.
The smell of fresh bread.
The warm ambience.
The sensation of it being home.
It was Thursday and the lunch rush had already subsided. Outside of a woman at the salad bar contemplating two types of lettuce, the restaurant was nearly void of customers. Everyone was probably still in a pancake coma.
“Can I help you?” Lyndsie asked as she absentmindedly stacked a pile of glossy menus that’d slid catawampus across the counter.
“Two, please.” Adam laced his fingers through mine.
“Great. I’ll show you to a…” She looked up at us, her mouth making a perfect circle in surprise. “Oh, no. No, no, no. Not on my shift. Huh-uh.”
Adam laughed. “She and I have met our quota of arguing.”
Lyndsie gave us both the stink eye and aimed the point of a cap-less ink pen in my direction. “If you two try to play musical chairs even once today, I’m gonna…”
“We’ll behave. We promise,” Adam said with a laugh.
“All right.” Lyndsie didn’t look convinced or amused while she led us over to the same booth we’d sat at a few days prior. Instead of sitting across from me, Adam slid across the bench next to me and rested his hand on my knee.
“Do you two need a minute to look at the menu or should I poll any vegetables in the kitchen first?” Lyndsie’s irritation was disclosed when she set two glasses of water down harder than necessary.
“We’ll share the lasagna,” Adam said.
“Uh huh.” Lyndsie scooped the menus off the table and walked back to the kitchen.
“What do you think her problem is?” he asked innocently.
I sipped my water. “My money’s still betting on her spitting in our food.”
“We’ll live in blissful ignorance and never know.”
I slouched into the worn cushion of the booth and let out a long breath. “I don’t want to go back to California.”
“Then don’t go,” he murmured in my ear as he rubbed my thigh. “Stay in Steele Falls. With me.”
I rested my head on his shoulder, medicating myself in his warmth.
“Do you know why I brought you here?” he asked.
I smiled. “Because you love Italian food and are coming to grips with your torrid love affair for lasagna?”
He shook his head left and right. “Not even close.”
My tone took a serious turn. “Because this spot is the first place where you told me you loved me?”
“No, but you’re getting warmer. That same night was the first time I realized you were my home. I envisioned us fifty, sixty years from then, gray and wrinkled. Sitting here for an early bird, senior citizen, discounted dinner. There was nothing I was surer of than that being our future. And then you left. My heart shattered, but I still loved you with each jagged piece. And I hated myself for that. For a long time.”
I blinked and looked away.
“I already told you, this date isn’t meant to make you sad. I need to get this off my chest. I’ve had two years, Blue. Two years to form words on how I felt with no one to express them to. You’ve got to understand that.”
“No. I get it,” I replied. “And I deserve it.”
“It’s not about deserving anything.” He scooted closer to me. “I—”
Lyndsie interrupted with a plate of lasagna and two forks. “Need anything else? Crayons? Want me to pick a tune on the jukebox for musical chairs?”
“I think we’re set,” he said.
I poked at the lasagna, having trouble finding my appetite. Adam and I spent the rest of lunch continuing our game of catch up, but I didn’t remember a lot of what he said. I was too busy digesting every word he spoke before our food arrived.