The fucking baby would not stop screaming.

He screamed in the truck, he screamed when we arrived at the cabin and he was screaming still, hours after we’d arrived.

Like a regretful fool, I was completely unprepared. I stopped at a supermarket on the way, randomly grabbing diapers and baby food from the shelves, only to find out that I’d picked up diapers that were way too small for him.

So, I’d removed the soiled diaper he was wearing and put his pants on without one. So far, so good.

But that crying wouldn’t quit.

Piercing, incessant, relentlessly sending daggers of blinding pain to my brain, it was never ending madness.

I tried feeding him, rocking him, walking him and nothing would make him quiet down.

“Stop your fuckin’ wailing, son!” I shouted, which only served to make him cry louder. He squirmed in my grip, so I finally sat him down. He flung himself to the floor, howling and flailing like a wounded animal.

I stood over him, at a complete loss for how to console him.

I’d tried everything I could think of, but nothing worked.

I had to admit that this was entirely out of my league. I’d been an only child and I grew up fast. I didn’t have a clue how to take care of a kid.

Maybe I’ll keep Lily around for a while after all, I thought. At least until I could hire a few nannies. I wasn’t even sure how many nannies he would need. Six? Eight?

With the amount of energy required to keep up that amount of crying, I figured the more the better. I stared down at him, squirming and quivering on the floor, and felt a surge of pride.

“You’re already a fighter, aren’t you, boy?” I whispered, leaning down to him. He reached up with a tiny fist and hit me square in the eye.

I burst out laughing, holding my eye as I stood up.

“That’s my boy,” I said. “That’s my boy…”

I left him there on the floor, taking a quick inventory of the supplies I had on hand in the kitchen. I hadn’t been there in over a year, and I had no recollection of what I’d left behind. I was hoping for a bottle of whiskey, or three, as I could already tell this was going to be a very long night, and I wasn’t quite sure how I’d make it without a little help.

Unfortunately, I came up empty.

In fact, there was nothing but a bag of beans and a few steaks in the freezer, and not much else. No beer, no booze, not even a little bump of coke.

I’d emptied the place of all the good stuff last time, apparently.

“Well, shit,” I muttered. “Now what?”

I picked Alex up from the floor and walked into the tiny living room of the cabin. I’d furnished it with a few brown leather couches a few years ago and let Lily throw a few of her grandma’s quilts around to cozy it up. But today, it just seemed cold and empty.

Alex cried in my arms, doing his damnedest to escape from my embrace. I let him go and then took the time to start a fire in the wood stove, even though it wasn’t cold yet. Tonight, the temperature would drop to the low fifties and we’d need the heat.

Afterwards, I tried feeding Alex the baby food I’d purchased at the store, a few jars of Gerber’s peas and applesauce. He refused to let the spoon enter his mouth, slapping my hand away every time I approached his face. Finally, I gave up, letting him cry on the couch while I made the bed and opened the curtains.

Still, the place looked sad and sterile and I couldn’t help but wonder if the reason I couldn’t make it seem like a real home was because I never really had one.

Sure, I had homes all over, beautiful masterpieces worth millions of dollars. But none of them had ever been full of love. Maybe in the beginning with Lily, but that was so fleeting, I could barely remember it now.

Maybe I thought that would just happen naturally.

Maybe I thought it was something that came easily, once you signed the papers on a property.

Maybe I thought that once I had my son in my possession, all those things I’d longed so long for would finally arrive.

Love. Family. Happiness.

I’d yearned for that all my life.

Alex cried out again, plopping himself on the floor, as a huge puddle began forming around him.

“Piss! I guess I was wrong,” I muttered, picking him up and heading towards the bathroom.