“So, now that we’ve both been distracted in a delicious way, how bout we talk?” Jax asks, trailing a finger down my arm. His touch is like little bolts of lightning leaving sparks along its path. The fire outside the tent has started to die down and the crackling of it’s hot embers is surprisingly relaxing. Now I know why some people prefer to listen to the sounds of nature to fall asleep.
“Mmmm…” I feel too good to move. Even though we didn’t have full blown sex, I feel utterly relaxed and at ease.
“Lanie, that’s not an answer.” Jax sits up with a heavy sigh. I know what I must do. I just don’t know if this will make him go running for the woods.
"If you think for one second this God damned piece of paper will keep me away from you, you're sorely mistaken." Those menacing words keep me up at night. I know he will keep his promise to come and find me. My biggest worry is at what cost? Who else will end up hurt for my happiness? I’ve already lost so much. It would kill me to lose someone else.
“Don’t you trust me?” He breaks me from my thoughts.
“Of course I do. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. I would still be locked up in the loft waiting for a safe time to run to the store for more food like I did when I first came here.” Defending myself isn’t something I’m used to. “It’s him I don’t trust.”
“Lanie, I can promise you, he will never get near you again.”
“Then maybe it is time you finally learn a little more about him. Because I can guarantee you one thing. He will find me and when he does…” Jax pulls me into him before I can finish. Even though I know these strong arms are protecting me now, they won’t stand a chance against Frank in the future.
“I just want you to know one thing. Whatever you say to me, won’t change my feelings for you. I’m going to be right here when you finish and I’m going to be right here when he’s finished.”
“You say that like it’s easy.”
“As easy as loving you.”
“Nothing with me is easy.” I tease. This time I do get a chuckle out of him. Feeling the rumble in his chest is soothing. “Thank you, Jax. Thank you for everything.” He doesn’t answer, he doesn’t have to. He holds me a little tighter and that’s all I need. After a long moment of being in the safety of his arms, I slowly pull away. “Where do I start?”
He lays on his side, leaning down on his elbow with his knees bent away from me. I rest my head on his knees as a pillow and get comfortable for what’s to come next.
“Wherever you want.” He rests his hand on my leg and watches me during my inner turmoil. “Babe, it’s okay. You’re safe. Nothing will happen to you. I promise.”
“I met Frank during a huge dinner party with friends. He was a mutual friend of someone that had graduated from college. I had just finished my freshman year and had the world at my fingertips. He noticed me before I did him. It wasn’t until the group went to a club that he finally confronted me. That summer with him, I have to admit, was one of the best summer’s ever. We took things slow at first, getting to know each other and what not. What I didn’t realize was that he was showing me a part of him that wasn’t really him. What he was showing me, was what the rest of the world saw. A self-confident man who was a recent graduate himself and already had a successful job deriving from his internship. He had a steady income, a nice car and lived on his own. What independent woman who’s trying to make it on her own in this world wouldn’t find him a perfect match?”
“Not to mention, he’s good looking.” Jax chimes in. When I give him a glare, he adds, “What? Don’t forget, I got a good look at him at the hospital.”
“This is my story.” I take his hand and begin to play with his fingers. “Yes, he was good looking in the beginning. But now, all I see is a monster. Anyways, it was Thanksgiving when I finally introduced him to my parents. They immediately fell in love with him. I still wanted my freedom, being I was only in my sophomore year at school, but once my parents met Frank, they pushed a relationship on me. By Valentine’s Day, we were engaged. I figured if my parents and sister adored him, then I should too.”
“So, when did the abuse start?” I can hear the hesitation in his voice. I know he wants to know everything, but I can also tell, he’s preparing himself for the worst.
“I’m getting to that.” I answer with a soft voice. “At the end of the year, we went to a frat party. The next day, I woke up with bruises on my arm. He wouldn’t let me out of his site. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom without his presence. At first I thought it was just an accident on his part. Maybe he had been drinking a lot more than I had and didn’t realize his own strength. But when it happened again and again, I knew something was wrong. I also knew I needed to do something about it. But I couldn’t.”
“Why?”
“Threats. I tried telling my parents about it. But they were so in love with him, that whatever I said went in one ear and out the other. In their eyes, Frank walked on clouds.”
“That really fucking sucks. What parent doesn’t listen to their own child? I’m gonna be honest, I’m not sure about meeting them anytime soon. I wouldn’t be responsible for what comes out of my mouth, sorry.”
“You won’t have to worry about that. They’re dead.”
“Oh, shit. I’m sorry. That was out of line.”
“Thanks, it’s okay. I’ll tell you about them in a bit. It wasn’t until after the wedding when things got real serious. I spent most of my honeymoon inside a hotel room with two black eyes because I danced with an old high school friend during our reception. Unfortunately, I ended up in the hospital with a threat to my family if I said anything differently.”
“Hospital?” His face is rigid and the fire in his eyes are filled with rage.
“Yeah. I, um, I fell down the stairs in my apartment when we went to gather the bags for our honeymoon.”
“He pushed you?” My heart hurts thinking about reliving this over again.
“No, not exactly.” I shiver. “He punched me. First in the gut, then in the face. I lost my balance and ended up at the bottom of the concrete staircase. That was the first set of broken bones I received from him.”
“Jesus, Lanie.”
“So, in his defense, I really did fall.”
“With his help.” I can see the anger surging throughout his entire body.
“Yeah. At first, I made excuses for him. I didn't know why I did it. I just did. Maybe I wanted to make it look like we were the perfect couple. With his status, I looked like the perfect trophy wife. Full time student working on a bachelors in business, he looked like he was the all supportive husband who was funding my education, when in reality, my parents had my entire education paid before the end of my freshman year. Anyways, thankfully the bruises were gone by the time we returned from our honeymoon. And when I began my last year of school, he had me so brainwashed that anything that caused bodily harm to myself, was my doing was my fault.”
“No woman ever deserves that. You should know that.”
“I know that now.” I laugh, of course Jax didn’t find it funny. “I did get a break, for a while.”
“How?”
“It was late winter, early spring. He was having me followed, because he didn’t believe my workload was heavy and thought I was having an affair. One day, I ran into a friend and gave him a friendly hug in the middle of the commons on campus. We spoke for, maybe five minutes, if that. Just long enough for a photo to be taken of me hugging my friend.” Remembering this is harder than I thought it would be. Wiping a tear away from my eye before it falls, I decide to continue. “Later that night, he came home a little late, I had dinner ready as usual. He came home with a manila envelope in hand and asked me to open it up. So I did. When I saw what was in it, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was outraged, shocked and embarrassed all at the same time. What kind of person was I married to? Who would have their spouse followed day in and day out? Needless to say, I ended up arguing with him for the first time in my life. Not the most smartest decision, but I couldn’t help myself
“What happened?” At this point, my eyes, filled with tears while I tried to focus on our entwined fingers. He gives my hand a slight squeeze. “Lanie, what happened?”
“He grabbed me by the hair and dunked my face in the dish water I had been doing the dishes in. I struggled, of course, pushing him with all my might. I made a run for the door, but ended up unsuccessful. After a few kicks in the gut and a good beating, I pretty much learned my lesson, so to speak.” I huff a small laugh.
“Anyway, about a week had gone by and I was still in so much pain. I wasn’t feeling well at all. When the bruises were gone, I tried to go to a few classes. The pain was too much for me to stand. I literally had to beg Frank to take me to the hospital. After a few more days, he realized that I wasn’t faking it, he finally took me.”
“Internal injuries, I bet.” He shakes his head.
“Worse. Apparently, I was a few months pregnant. I didn’t know it though. Of course, he didn’t either. Then the doctors asked about the broken ribs. We played it off as a car accident. You know what’ funny? No one ever questioned us about the accident. Frank was so stricken with guilt that he didn’t lay a finger on me until well after graduation. He was so bothered by the death of his unborn child, that he was adamant on me healing properly. He wanted me to be in perfect health both physically and mentally, so he finally treated me the way a wife was supposed to be treated. And for once, even though I was miserable in my marriage, I was actually semi-happy.”
I’m not sure if he’s still with me or lost in some deep thought, but Jax remained quiet for some time before finally speaking. “How can you be miserable and happy at the same time Lanie?”
“I don’t know. All I know is that I saw a glimpse of the old Frank again. The one I initially fell in love with. He was charming, loving and doting. However, I knew one day he would snap back to the Frank I had learned to hate. I just didn’t know when that would happen.” Jax nods, knowing that I wouldn't be here if things were still good. “During this time, I knew that there was no way I ever wanted to have a baby with him. On my six week post mis carriage appointment, I had an IUD inserted, because he would easily find out if I started taking the pill again. And now that he had the thought of having a baby in mind, he was dead set on trying once I was cleared. But I actually told my doctor what was happening and that there was no way I wanted a baby with him. I let him know that it needed to be kept secret, because I feared for my life. He agreed to keeping it between us and thankfully helped me out with the IUD. He also gave me a phone number for a really good attorney that would go out of his way to help me out.”
“Some good he did. When I met you, you had bruises all over your neck. I know that fucker tried strangling you, Lanie. Anyone with two eyes could see it.”
“What my attorney didn’t realize is how powerful Frank is with his resources. However, once your friend Brad figured out there was a leak to Frank, he came to get me immediately. If it wasn't for him, I'd be dead.”
“I want to kill him. I want to torture him, then kill him.” His hands are now shaking with rage. “I’m confused with something tough. How did you became pregnant. You said you were protected.”
Not being able to answer right away, I move away from him and crawl out of the tent.
“Lanie wait.” He tries to grab me by the arm, but I pull away from him and head towards anywhere I can go to get away from the pain. When I make it to the water’s edge, I try to wipe away the tears. It only took a couple seconds before I hear the breaking of twigs and Jax’s footsteps coming my way. Choosing not to answer him, I continue to look out onto the mirrored lake. The moon is shining bright and lighting up the sky with a glorious array of midnight lights.
“I’m sorry.” He stands next to me. Not touching me, but close enough where I can feel the body heat pouring off of him. I don’t answer, but nod instead. I know he’s staring at me, but I can’t bring myself to look at him right now. “I didn’t realize it would be so hard.”
“It’s not your fault. I didn’t think it would hit me this hard. I really haven’t thought about it until now.”
“I feel like I was a little cold hearted earlier when we found out…”
“Jaxon.” I finally break away from the water and look at him. “Don’t think for a moment that I wanted that child. Do I want babies? Absolutely, but with him? No never. He’s a monster. He’s a horrible human being that drugged his wife one night , because he found out I was using protection. He had someone break into my doctor’s office to look at my records. He’s so crazy, he hired a doctor to come in and remove my IUD while I was unconscious.”
“I would ask if this is a joke, but I already know the answer.”
“You know, after that, I wondered why I felt different. Kind of sore and irritated. He played it off that I had had too much wine to drink that night. It’s rather funny now that I think about it how much he was pushing me to drink so much.” I find a log that looks like it was placed there to sit on and enjoy the glorious view. The sun has set and the stars are glowing on the late like a mirror. He sits beside me when I continue my story. “I’ve never denied him of anything he wanted. If I did, I would end up covering bruises for weeks. I learned that very quickly long ago. Funny thing is, after that night, he seemed to want it more and more. And after each time, I found myself taking the day after pill. What he didn’t know was that I was already in the process of getting away from him. After the death of my parents, I told myself that if I were to stay with him, I would end up like them.”
“Fuck Lanie. Please don’t tell me.” I nod.
“About a year ago after he had beaten me quite badly, I had finally succumbed to the fact that I had enough. He went away on a business trip the following day. Usually he takes me along, but because I was riddled with bruises all over, he was kind enough to leave me home. A few hours after I knew he was in the air, I went to visit my parents. My sister was off to college, so I was able to talk to them.”
“Did they believe you this time?” He’s been hesitant to touch me, so I decide to break the separation and take his hand.
“They did. But it took me taking my top off and showing them the bruises first hand to prove it.”
“So, what happened?”
“At first, my father was livid. My mother began crying immediately. Dad broke a few things out of anger, until he saw my reaction.”
“I know the feeling.” He wraps an arm around me and pulls me in closer to his side.
“He was shocked. So surprised to see his little girl, who was so independent and strong willed, it nearly broke him to see me curled up in a corner hiding from his anger. Anyway, when things finally settled and I had to beg them to keep it quiet for my safety. Little did I know, it was for their safety as well. They helped me find an attorney and immediately began to change some legalities in their will. Since Frank didn’t really know how much my parents were actually worth, it helped getting my inheritance and whatnot sent to an offshore account where he couldn’t touch it even if he tried. Of course I had to beg them to leave the amount Frank did know about so he wouldn't get suspicious.”
“So what happened after that?”
“There was a dinner party a year later. I had already had things set into place, thankfully. My parents and sister were all in attendance. Frank had his eyes on me the whole time too. He was jealous that I was spending so much time that night with my parents instead of by his side. When my sister went to chat with some friends she found, Frank had come over to steal me away. My father had a little too much to drink that night and when Frank took me by the arm in a little more than gentle way, he snapped. Thankfully his outburst was quiet, but it had finally brought light to the subject that they knew what was happening.”
“My dad threatened Frank. Told him that if he ever laid a finger on his little girl again, he would see to it that he wouldn't lift a finger for the rest of his life. A week later, my parents were traveling up north. My sister and I were informed that they never made it. The brakes gave out while driving through the mountains and they ended up going over a cliff. Their bodies were unrecognizable.”
“Jesus.” He holds me tighter. “I’m so sorry.”
“I was so hurt. He almost didn’t know what to do with me. It wasn’t until about a month later, when I had mentioned something about my parents to him. He had finally let it out that he was responsible for the accident. I went crazy. So crazy, that I was the one beating on him. I completely caught him off guard. He was literally at a loss for words and actions. For the first time since he started abusing me, I felt powerful enough to take action for my safety.”
“That’s when you filed?”
“More or less. That's when I decided it was time to do something about it. I stayed with him for a few more months until it would be safe enough for me to leave. I finally told the attorney what was going on and that it was time to take action. I needed to do this in one big swoop or it may have not worked. I also had to make sure Laura was safe. I knew she knew nothing about what was happening with me since she was in school. I also knew I needed to wait until she was through with her grieving process regarding mom and dad. I knew once it all took place, Frank would do everything in his power to stop me. My attorney had made arrangements to meet an agent who specializes in protecting abused women. It took another two months of me playing the perfect wife to make sure I didn’t give anything away. I did absolutely everything I could to please him, except one thing.”
“Sex.” I nod, knowing what he’s planning on asking next. “So how did you manage that?” My fingers, which we're intertwined with his, began to shake. “You know you don’t have to answer.” He pulls me in tighter and kisses the top of my head. His tenderness is breaking me down. The tears begin to fall and end up sobbing uncontrollably. I know what I have to do, and it’s killing me. As my sobbing died down, I continued.
“He had me followed again. Even though I was giving him everything he wanted, he kept wondering why I wasn’t pregnant. So he had me followed. When he finally put two and two together, he realized the days I ran to the drugstore were the days after intercourse. One night, he threw the photos in my face. At that moment, I finally felt strong enough to stand up to him.” I drop my head into my hands and begin to cry again. The pain of knowing what happened is hard to think about, let alone share. Jax doesn’t say anything. I’m not sure if he’s even with me anymore. I wouldn't blame him if he wanted nothing to do with me. Hell, I don’t want anything to do with myself most of the time. My heart is breaking knowing that I might crush him in a few seconds. I do my best to push away the knot in my throat, so I can continue this grueling story.
“When he found out what I was doing, he hit me so hard, I didn’t wake until sometime in the middle of the night.” My heart is pounding so hard, I’m not sure if I can finish. Jax’s gentle hand on my back assures me that I might be able to get this out. He would be the first person I’ve shared this with.
“It’s okay, babe. Take your time. No matter what you have to say, I want you to know that I love you and am here for you.”
“You might not love me after this.”
“Why don’t you let me be make that choice.”
“I was in and out of consciousness. At first I thought it was a nightmare. One that I was constantly waking up in and then praying that I would be brought back to the darkness quickly so I didn’t have to relive the pain over and over again. I can only assume that one of the times I woke up, I began to stir a little, because the next time I woke up, my hands were bound together. The pain, Jaxon. Oh my God, the pain was so horrible.” I started to bawl, letting it all go. “Never in my life have I experienced something so awful. And from my own husband, of all people.” I sit up and look at Jax. The remorse on his face says it all. He knows what happened without me having to say another word. “No.” His eyes close and his face turns pale. “Don’t say any more.” He releases his hold on me and walks over towards the water. This was my fear. Maybe this is why I was afraid to open up to him.
“I’m sorry. I truly am. I told you once, I was broken. And I am. I don’t think that I’ll ever be the same woman I was before I met him.” Pausing a moment. “ I think… I think maybe it’s time for you to take me home. I can be out of your place in no time. I'll call Brad and have him relocate me. Maybe closer to my sister.” I drop my head, turn and head back towards the tent to gather my things. I know it’s not my fault, but I feel so ashamed right now. My heart has officially shattered. Maybe I should have let Frank finish what he started. Lord knows, I’m no good for anyone anymore.
I walk further towards our campsite when I hear Jax calling my name. Knowing it won’t change anything, I ignore him and continue to the site.